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Since it took Kim Kardashian a mere 72 days to back out of her marriage with Kris Humphries, we kinda wanted her to back out of the spotlight for at least 72 days — because we’re dying for a break from all this Kardashian Krap-to-strophic drama.

But considering Kimmie’s first love is her career, that’s just silly wishful thinking…

Check out the latest ups and downs in the Kardashian post-divorce announcement soap opera:

Loyalty deserves a self-indulgent kiss from a perfectly bronzed goddess. Thanking her “loyal blog dolls” for being so supportive amid her “divorce crisis” (a.k.a. brain-freeze crisis), Kim offers her “fans” a “generous” gift: a picture of her blowing a kiss. (Uhh, yeah. We think they’d prefer some of that $18 million wedding loot, or—like one commenter notes—some re-gifting from her expensive-arse wedding gifts.)

Source: Vulture.

Kim’s Lawyer Swears Marriage the Real Deal. Celebrified attorney Laura Wasser, who’s usually hush-hush about the legal issues of her A-list clientele, went on the record saying she has no reason to believe that Kim and Kris’ marriage was fake. (Wait. She’s a lawyer…we’re supposed to believe her?)

“Our office did indeed negotiate and prepare a prenup for Ms. Kardashian,” Wasser says. Given what I know regarding that document, it is not plausible that this marriage was a sham.”

She adds that the purported 30-page prenup involved financial issues “that go well into the future,” which, to her, was an indicator that the marriage wasn’t a get-rich-quick scheme.

Source: TMZ.

Kim’s Hairy Situation. Never mind the divorce, Kim’s in the crosshairs of another legal matter: She’s being sued by a hair-removal company called Radiancy. In the lawsuit, the company claims Kim has been misleading the public by making false—and dangerous—statements about the efficacy of a rival hair-removal product by a company called TRIA.

Radiancy points out that Kim went on “The Wendy Williams Show” claiming she uses TRIA’s product “on her entire body,” even though TRIA admits the product isn’t safe to use on the face, neck, ears, and private parts.

In addition, Radiancy states that after becoming its new spokesperson, Kim had only been using the TRIA product for a few weeks before she hastily tweeted she was “loving the results so far.” (The product claims results begin after 90 days.)

Radiancy is requesting that Kim and TRIA stop their false advertising and is seeking moolah for losing business over the matter.

Source: TheWrap.

A Signature Ending. To Kim’s relief, Kris plans on signing divorce papers—with no drama attached.

However, according to onlookers, who recently saw him with friends at NYC’s Serafina’s (one of his fave hangouts with his soon-to-be ex-wife), he was looking like a forlorn, heartbroken giant.

“Kris looked so depressed,” said one source. “He looked like he was going to cry in his pizza, sat at the same table he used to sit with Kim.”

Awww. But perhaps there were just too many onions on his pie…

Sources: Us Weekly & People.

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Kim Kardashian is a taken woman. The 30-year-old uber reality starlet said “I do” to 26-year-old New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries in a wedding Saturday that embodied a trifecta of what the famous family represents: extravagance, celebrity friends, and most of all, endorsement deals.

In fact, The New York Post reports that Kim raked in — not spent — $18 million for publicizing her nuptials. Considering the event has been estimated at a cost of $10 million, it looks like it’s another Kardashian first: Making a huge profit rather than going into debt on what’s supposed to be one of the priciest rites of passage. (Maybe Momager Kris should work for Congress.)

In case you just woke up, here’s a fiscal round-up via the Post on how Kimmie got away with barely paying for the punch bowls:

Payments they received
* $15 million plus profit for four-hour, two-part wedding special on E!
* $2.5 million for exclusive photos with People magazine
* $300,000 for exclusive engagement announcement with People
* $100,000 for exclusive rights to bridal shower with Britain’s OK! mag
* $50,000 to have bachelorette party at Tao in Las Vegas

Stuff they got for free
* $15,000 to $20,000 Hansen’s Bakery wedding cake
* $20,000 Vera Wang wedding dress and fittings
* $40,000 for two more Vera Wang evening dresses
* $400,000 in Perrier Jouet Champagne
* $150,000 in hair and makeup for photo shoots and TV “home video”
* $10,000 in Lehr & Black wedding invitations

Deeply discounted
* $2 million 20.5-carat engagement ring and $1 million wedding bands by jeweler Lorraine Schwartz. The amount they paid for these items hasn’t been revealed, but it’s much less than their worth.

We can’t help but think that somewhere in the deep recesses of her famous-for-being-famous soul, Paris Hilton is whimpering.

E! will air some footage from Kim and Kris’ wedding tonight at 6 p.m/5c. The two-part special, “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event,” will air Oct. 9 and 10.

Rolling Stone

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“Jersey Shore’s” Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi is on the cover of the new issue of Rolling Stone. Question: Has someone at the mag been eating paint chips?

Yes, indeed, the pint-size pouf-head’s stardom has blasted off into another galaxy (actually, we think it created another galaxy), and whether you like it or not, contributing editor Erik Hedegaard delves into how Snook’ems started out as a small town New York party girl aspiring to be a vet tech assistant to the mega-rich reality star that she is.

Because the Orange Oompa Loompa is ever so quotable, we picked out our favorites from the Rolling Stone interview right here:

On Her “Jersey Shore” Audition:
“I was wearing leggings and a fur coat, and I walked in like I was hot sh-t, because I always think I’m hot sh-t, and I had my big pouf, and they were like, ‘What is that?’”

On Why She Thinks She’s So Popular:
“I say what’s on my mind, and I’m real. And I’m tan.”

On Watching Herself on the Tube:
“If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it. Obviously, they’re only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I’m seeing is me drunk and falling down. That’s how I am when I party. But some of the stuff I do is, like, ‘Really, Nicole?’ I look like a freakin’ alcoholic. I’m like, ‘You’re sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.’ I just look like sh-t.”

On Her Aspirations:
“I’d like to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions.”

On How to Avoid the Cameras:
“The only time we’re not on camera is when we’re in the shower, and that’s why we all take three-hour showers, just to get away from it. Another reason is, if you masturbate, you probably only do it in the shower. Otherwise, you’d know that people are looking at you. That’s awkward.”

Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images for IMG

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We were already convinced that Kim Kardashian’s colossal backside buttercups—and her ability to shake them into moneymakers—were the eighth wonder of the world, but when word got out via The Hollywood Reporter that she and the rest of her famous-for-being-famous reality clan grossed a whopping $65 million last year, three words exploded from our mouths: What da hell-age?!?!

Self-proclaimed “momager” Kris Jenner, who takes a 10% cut for her services, explains her family’s fortune in this way: “We’re just this big family with a lot of drama and a lot of issues, and there’s someone here for everyone to relate to.”

And that “relating to” to the masses seems to be the Kardashian manifesto for raking in the dough.

Check out some of the silliest and outrageous ways uncensored reality siblings Kourt, Khloe, and Kim have helped make their fam into an entertainment phenom.

- Tweet-le Dang! Kim charges companies up to $25K per tweet to mention their products on her Twitter page.

- Acc-sexorize. Silly Bandz recently came out with a Kardashian Glam Pack for those who’ve been dying to wear the famous sisters’ lips and bodily curves on their wrists! (Makes no sense to us, but just go with it! The Kardashians did.)

- The Bootylicious in the Flesh. If you want Kim to come to your party, she’ll be happy to stop by—at a fee of $100K – $250K. But that’s just a domestic figure. For those of you who live abroad, she might charge up to $1 mill.

- For Beauty Fiends Who Can’t Google. Lifestyle and beauty book Kardashian Konfidential became an overnight best seller—and why not? With unprecedented beauty tips like slathering Vaseline once a week on ashy feet (thanks, Khlo!) and putting your hands on your hips to make your chunky arms look slimmer (aww, thanks, Kim!), you might just turn into a glamorous Armenian princess yourself!

- Post-Partum Depression…of the tummy that is. After Kourt gave birth to lil Mason, she inked a deal to be the spokesperson for Belly Bandit, a contraption that claims to shrink your post-pregnancy muffin top.

- What Happens in Vegas [Should Never Have Happened] in Vegas. The Mirage is opening the first-ever “celebrity destination” store where you can find products that the Kardashians have endorsed (does that include Vaseline?). Aside from newly incoming beach towels and Kardashian bottled water, visitors will also be given hotel room keys featuring images of the sisters and be able to work the slots with their bronzed-out faces staring right at you! (We’ve officially moved from Cheesy to Creepy Land.)

NBC

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At 10 am on NBC this morning, millions of glutei maximi across America broke out into a guilt-ridden sweat when Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford (KLG) hosted the entire Fourth Hour of “Today” on cycling machines, ellipticals, and treadmills!

With calorie counters strapped to their bulging biceps, the hosts ushered in ‘Lose It With KLG and Hoda’ to help you kick off your New Year’s work out resolutions and never say die! (Also, it was another way for the dynamic duo to compete and antagonize each other.)

Although we were disappointed that Hoda and KLG didn’t down a few glasses of bubbly while working the machines, we went ahead and drank a couple shots on Hoda’s behalf since she was flipping out on the fact she was burning less calories than her shorter sidekick. But Hoda shouldn’t feel so embarrassed; after all, she wasn’t the one wearing a SCRUNCHIE! O.M.G., KLG. O.M.G.

Highlights included watching actor Seth Rogan cycle (and giggle-heave) as he promoted his new movie, The Green Hornet, as well a guest appearance by NBC “Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams during the ladies’ elliptical segment. Stuffing his face with a powdered jelly doughnut (we believe it was strawberry filling), Williams spoketh: “We need to send a message, especially to young people, get these machines and do this—it’s really important.” Then he finished his morning treat and walked off the set. Such class, that man.

In between KLG’s various facial contortions and Hoda’s overly sweaty face, another segment that was notable was when fitness expert Joy Bauer joined the gals for a spin on the cycling machines and offered tips for different diet personalities.

According to Joy’s Commandments, if you’re a…

Multi-tasking Dieter: Pre-plan what you’re gonna eat and prepare convenient go-to light foods. (Do marshmellows count as a light food?)
Commitment-Phobe Dieter: Reward yourself every fourth day with non-food rewards, like Hoda’s new book! Oh, yeah!
Sweets-aholic Dieter: Keep to a 90/10 food strategy, meaning you can devote 10% of your daily diet to a sweet treat. Further translation: You got 150 calories to work with. (Isn’t that like a spoonful of Häagen-Dazs?)

Did you enjoy watching KLG and Hoda sweat it out on your flatscreens today? Did you feel the burn—or was that just your conscience? Chime in!

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

We wondered if Danielle Staub’s new reality hosting gig, succinctly titled ‘Social,’ would quietly disintegrate like the outer ends of her eyebrows, but we were wrong.

Radar Online has just released a clip of the show, which features the freshly fired ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ villainess visiting music producer/recording artist Prince Malik at his sprawling New York estate. Due to the close facial proximity at which Staubzilla chatters with the Prince, we suspect his aviators are super-glued to his face all day for reasons other than trying to look cool … or maybe he’s just secretly blind since he uses a Segway to get around his pad.

As we reported earlier, ‘Social’ is said to be a modernized reinterpretation of ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.’ (And based on what we’ve seen, ‘modernized reinterpretation’ may translate as the ‘New Robin Leach’ attempting to leech off of her subjects.)

“I’m actually in talks with [Prince Malik] and his recording label, so we’re in collaborations and we’re looking forward to a great future together,” said the ‘Real Close’ singer about her new potential Sugar Daddy.

‘Social’ is set to launch early next year.

Do you think Staub-noxious has a hit on her hands? Would you watch? And if you find out which channel WealthTV is on, please let us know—because we have no idea.

Rex USA

So to start things off, I offer you Shana’s “I Want You” (1989). Three words: rocket science lyrics…