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Bentley Who? Despite Ashley Hebert’s familial fisticuffs with her inked-out disapproving big sis, the 26-year-old “Bachelorette” took a “leap of faith” and chose J.P. Rosenbaum to put a ring on it!

Dressed like a slick mamma jamma from “Reservoir Dogs,” the 31-year-old construction manager from New York put it all on the line at the podium of love in Fiji. “I know I told you my biggest fear is falling in love with you and having my heart broken again—and I’m still afraid,” he said as beads of sweat dripped off his butterlicious face. “But I also know to overcome that fear, I have to take a leap of faith. This is my leap of faith,” he concluded as he got down on one knee and asked for her hand in nuptialization.

“I don’t want to be with anyone else but you forever,” Ashley declared and allowed him to slip the Neil Lane sparkly onto her adolescent ring finger.

At the “After the Final Rose” show, a happy J.P. and Ash sat down with Chris Harrison and showed their love for each other with so much P.D.A. that the audience’s hair popped off and they became as bald as J.P.

“We’ve been dying for this moment!” he said referring to them coming out publicly as an engaged couple. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” His itty bitty fiance agreed. “We’re just a team,” she beamed.

However, before the love bombs exploded in the studio, there were F-bombs—those from reject Ben Flajnik in Fiji.

During his interview on “ATFR,” the 26-year-old wine maker from Sonoma Valley re-lived his angry moment of having his heart squashed like diseased grapes. Not surprisingly, he still seemed a little bit agitated at the whole craptastrophe, as indicated by his “Uhh, nice ring” comment when Ashley sat down with him.

However, Benji conceded he learned a lot through their love romp. “I’m a more complete person because of her,” he said as he flicked a piece of his flat-ironed hair back to a designated spot on his forehead.

Speaking of bitterness, what’s the latest with Ashley’s sister Christy and her vehement negative reaction towards J.P.? Apparently, her Grinch heart grew a millimeter or two since their inauspicious meeting in Fiji, and she’s now full of mazel tovs for the couple. “I feel like the biggest jerk ever! Shame on me for being so quick to judge!” she said to J.P. and Ash as they sat angrily staring at her, hoping laser beams would shoot outta their eyes and damage one of her tats. Nonetheless, future bro-in-law and sis-in-law hug it out since the cameras were rolling. Oh, it may have just been me, but I think I saw a little clandestine in-law butt-pinching action from Mr. Clean.

“We just want a humble, normal life,” Ash concludes as the lovebirds reveal they’ll be getting a place of their own in New York after she’s done with dental school and taking a breather just to enjoy being engaged.

Before Chris could wrap up the night by surprising the couple with a trip back to Fiji (he didn’t tell them they’d be staying in Ben’s old suite), he led in by saying he didn’t want the vertically challenged duo to leave empty-handed. “I’m not,” interjected romantico J.P. as he molested Ash’s fingers. The lovelorn audience cooed, downing hard liquor to get through the pain.

That’s it, folks! Thanks for embarking on this “amazing journey” with me. If you’d like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my Facebook page!

ABC

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“I’m ready to walk away with my husband,” Ashley creepily said as she put an end to her six-week love muffin journey in Fiji on the “Bachelorette” season finale. Comparing her two dudes, Miss Anti-Gingivitis described her conundrum as a choice between Effortlessness (Ben F.) vs. Passion (J.P.). Surprisingly, she decided to go with the hot ‘n’ heavy and hairless by choosing the latter, but even more shocking was Benbo’s bitter reaction.

The journey to her happy ending wasn’t without tears and bang-pulling, however, thanks to Ash’s polar opposite—her “rational” Kat Von D look-alike sis Chrystie. The older divorcee brought on the terror with her interrogation and unflinching verdicts, inflaming Ash and J.P. more than the South Pacific rays!

Sip on that pina colada and check out the concise highlights right here:

No Laughing? No Ashley For You!
As Ashley’s family boils in the sun, J.P. arrives and has lunch with the clan. Among her many questions, big sis Chrystie asks Ash if J.P. makes her laugh. The latter replies, “I make myself laugh!” Miss Tats looks unamused and before even talking to J.P., tells her sis that she doesn’t think he’s the one. She adds that Bradonka-donk Womack even brought out Ashby’s goofy side more than this here Baldy from New York. Ashley immediately begins to pull on her hair like a loon and cries out of sorrow.

Keeping It Real
After watching some “L.A. Ink,” Chrystie takes J.P. aside and tells him straight up he’s not right for Ash because he’s an old dawg and probably set in his ways. He feels like a pedophile and gets extra irked when she mentions how happy-go-lucky Ash was with Bradilda.

“So you’re saying if I proposed you’d be unhappy about it?” he asks. She nods. Trying to keep his teeth from sinking into her face, he tells her he’d like her support because she’s a big influence on Ashen Face. “I gotta turn this around quickly,” he says. “I don’t know if there’s anything for you to turn around, though,” she retorts coldly.

Emo vs Rationality
Ash takes Chrystie to a nearby pond so they can dip their pinky toes in the pool, but really, it’s an opportunity for little sis to drown her sister if she doesn’t chill out on the heartless comments.

“It pisses me off because you’re saying everything that’s in my head, and I’m trying to figure it out, but you just come across like you’re being such a b*tch!” cries Ash. She continues: “Why can’t you feel for me for a second? You’re not being my sister and feeling for me—and I feel alone!” Wishing she had a ciggie to ease the pain of hearing her sister’s high-pitched whines, Chrystie tells her to quit being an emotional toddler and to get over herself. “I’m trying to protect you from yourself,” she instructs Ash. Before Little Sis can push her head into the water, the Evil Messenger jumps up and flees to her bungalow.

Puppy Love
Ash warns Ben that her sister is possessed by a demon, so he tries to be extra saintly to win them over. Because Ash is hyper aware of what Chrystie wants, she starts flailing her body like a monkey and does puppy talk to seem like her normal goofball self. After much prodding, she gets Benbo to join her, and he wins the entire family over—including Big Sis—by mimicking a Gremlin.

Mud Butts
On their last date, Ben dresses like rainbow sherbert ice cream. Ash surprises him by taking him to a healing mud bath. They strip and dive into the thick water and rub each other down as bullfrogs jump on and off their heads. Ash goes X-rated and slabs mud onto her jujubes and tells Benji she’d like to reach down south on him. A smile spreads onto his face, and we see his skyscraper teeth.

“I am in love with you,” he finally reveals to her in the evening. They exchange post-dinner saliva, and Ben looks as if he’s sucking on a Flintstone’s Push-Up Pop.

I Hate Your Sister
Dressed in an itsy bitsy bikini that pushes up her lil girls, Ash talks to J.P. on a patio deck overlooking the beach as he nicely implies he wants her sister to choke on a coconut. To help solidify things, he promises to be flexible like a young person and finally confesses that he’s madly in love with her. She latches onto his tongue with joy and then leads him to the shore to get more sun poisoning.

“I get lost in J.P. I get completely infatuated with him,” she coos.

‘Wow.’
“Today is the day I’m gonna propose to Ashley, and she is gonna say ‘yes,’ ” Ben says confidently to the cameras. Before she can speak, he gets down on one knee and proposes. She says ‘peace out.’ “Wow,” Ben blurts out and walks away. She clickety clacks after him and says he’s wonderful.

“What I don’t need you to do is sugarcoat it,” he says. “You can’t leave this on good terms. Good things don’t end unless they end badly. J.P.’s a wonderful guy. I hope you guys have a nice life together,” he states with a tinge of sarcasm in his voice.

In the distance, Chris Harrison is making sand angels and laughing at the clouds as he waits for the winner to arrive.

No Eyebrows, No Problem
Hair is so overrated, and Ashley-cakes proves it by falling for and choosing J.P.!

“I know I told you my biggest fear is falling in love with you and having my heart broken again— and I’m still afraid,” Mr. Clean admits at the podium of love. “But I also know to overcome that fear, I have to take a leap of faith. This is my leap of faith,” he says as his family jewels bounce with terror and joy. Down on one knee, he asks for her hand in matrimonial bliss. She says “Yes!”

He sucks what remains of her upper lip, and they twirl around until they puke themselves. (Somewhere in the dark recesses of the jungle, Chrystie is getting a tattoo of J.P.’s face on her middle finger.)

And they all lived happily ever after!

Thanks, lovebuds, for going on this “most controversial” and “most talked about” season with me. If you’d like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!

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Oh, we’ve never heard this before: On last night’s “Men Tell All” Special,” Chris Harrison described this season’s “Bachelorette” as the “most controversial” and “most talked about”—but we thought he was referring to the fresh perm on top of his head.

But let’s just keep it real, my lecherous lemmings. The night was filled with overall boring civility—no one went bonkers like they did on Brad Woe-Is-Me-Womack’s “Women Tell All.” The only thing that kept things raw and interestingly real was when 1) Ashley walked on stage in all her girly fragility and 2) the fact there was a Grandpa Joe giddily cheering in the audience.

Before the debt-ceiling gets voted on and we still get downgraded to a double A rating, check out the yawn-worthy events right here:

The Tattle Tales of P-Willy. In his eyes, William felt compelled to rat on Ben C. and “protect Ashley” because he thought the latter was making plans to throw his junk around on eHarmony. With his cheeks blown up in fury as if storing nuts for the winter, Ben fights back! “It was purely designed as some undercut!” he retorts with a slight haughty British accent. Nonetheless, Will unapologetically states he’d tattle tale all over again because he was convinced Hamster Cheeks was planning on some major digital get-down. In Ben’s defense, Constantine jumps in saying he knew that Willykins was acting out of desperation because he grew out his yellow fro like a full-on Chia Pet.

William Makes a Genuine Funny. As Chris plays the montage of William dissing Ash at the roast and then eventually getting kicked off the show, the cell phone salesman contorts his face as if needing a dose of Gas-X. “It was a really rough time; I really made an a** of myself.” He admits his way of roasting was a mistake, but apparently, that’s not enough for trainer Nick, who took an extra injection of roids for the show, as indicated by his need to interject and jump out of his seat every five seconds. “Who did you want the Bachelorette to be?” he asks P-Willy. “Why are we here?” Dumbfounded that he’s being questioned by the man with rock-hard boobs, Will slowly replies, “Because none of us can find a girl to date.”

Researching for Love. “For gosh sakes!” giggles Ryan P., as he painfully looks back at his water heater convo with Ash. As he watches the montage that shows him having a break down when she dumps him, the Solar Boy squirms in his seat, jitters with mini-seizures, and begins to sweat like a piggie. Trying to convince bleached-toothed Blake that he was genuine in his pursuit of Ashen Face, Ry-Ry says he read books for love! Three to be exact—one on engagement, one on marriage, and one on just fabulous questions to ask. He claims he even got in touch with his inner-Oprah and kept a journal. As he speaks of his efforts, the guys totally check out, and drunk man Tim looks around desperately for a martini to down. Nevertheless, being the consummate optimist, Ryan ends on a sunny note: “I believe when you’re truly ready the law of attraction will take place and somehow, someway, it’s gonna happen.” By now, Chris Harrison has fallen asleep with his mouth open, saliva dripping onto his tie.

No Disassemble Ames. As Ames robotically adjusts himself on the hot seat, the ladies in the audience tear each other’s weaves out and scream outrageously for their love of nerds. To make them go even more amazeballs, the Harvardite shows off his gentlemanly ways. “My experience with [Ashley], though very, very painful to end, made me a better person. I just want her to be happy now.” Jealous of all the young gals and grannies cooing over him, Chris Harrison quickly changes the subject and tells Ames he sucks at boxing. The host smiles and gives him a gift: the hot pink concussion-inducing boxing gloves! “Those are not to be used—just keep them as a memento of what you gave up for love,” Chris says with a chuckle. “Or if you want, you can put them on and take one free shot at Ryan.” (As the cameras cut to commercial, the producers run over to Ames and oil his joints and make sure his circuits are a go.)

Going Bananas on Bentley. Although the producers begged him to come on the show, Bentley refused because his perm wasn’t camera ready. So what’s the next best thing to do? Bentley Bash! “To look at someone who people are really trying to create a connection with, and he completely trashes it and laughs at it and knowing that [Ashley’s] gonna watch this—it’s a terrible display of humanity,” preaches Blake, who looks like a jackhole himself on the upcoming season of “Bachelor Pad.” Still, he continues: “He’s a narcissist, a liar, and a coward.” The crowd goes wild with support! “Karma is a b*tch, my friend,” adds Mickey, whose lips are nowhere to be found. Being the tough guy that he is, Chris D. tosses in his own smackdown. “I can think of three words to say to him: ‘Go f*ck yourself.’ “ We have four words for Chris D.: Who are you again?

Waahh! Having hoped she could strut in naked, Ashley resorts to the next best option: a tight black, multi-slitted dress! As she saunters onto the stage, the guys salivate as they secretly imagine Emily Maynard wearing it. “What was the lowest part, the toughest part for you?” Chris asks her. Widening her eyes and enunciating and nodding really dramatically in order to fight back the tears, Ashby lets it out. “I think seeing how everybody reacted to everything with Bentley, it’s been really hard.” She adds that “being played on national television,” and “being called an ‘ugly duckling’ ” was more humiliating than the wind blowing her bangs to the side and revealing her globe-like forehead. “The hardest part was seeing how much time I wasted,” she concludes. And to reassure all you haters, Ashley tells Chris that regardless of what happened, she’ll never change her talent of having bad judgment!

The-Three-People-We-Pray-Will-Disappear-From-TV Segment. Ali “Alien Hidden In Her Hair” Fedotowsky, Jason “Eyes Too Close Together” Mesnick, and DeAnna “Bitachy, Sour Puss” Pappas get on stage and share their mutual support for Miss Gullible. Out of all the empathetic words they say to her, Ashley enthusiastically latches onto Ali’s comment about feeling like the everyday girl—not a sexy Bachelorette. (In other words, she’s letting America know she believes she’s homely.) Despite getting flack from the public and from some of the dudes, the Dancing Queen ends the show by launching into a hear-me-roar speech. “Everything that happened and how much criticism I got—it got me to where I’m at right now,” she declares. “And that is the best place I’ve ever been in my life, and I would do it all over again.” (The audience applauds maniacally as they quickly remove the pins from their Ashley voodoo dolls.)

The season finale of the “Bachelorette” airs tomorrow at 8pm EST on ABC.

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Having your heart rejected twice on national television is pretty ego deflating, but leave it to “Bachelorette” contestant Ryan Park, who we could envision having a good time at the DMV, to find the positive in just about any difficult situation.

The 31-year-old solar executive talked to reporters on Thursday about how he felt when Ashley kicked him to the curb for a second time in Fiji, what he thinks of the guys’ annoyance towards his sunny disposition, and the potential of becoming next season’s “Bachelor.”

What was going through your mind when Ashley first let you go in Taiwan?
A lot of things were going through my mind. I was rather surprised. I really didn’t see it coming. After watching it, now I totally understand: I see the connection she has with the remaining bachelors, but I just felt that we needed something more. When she said she didn’t have the passion for me or didn’t feel the spark between us, it was strange to me because I had felt it earlier.

And notice I’m saying I felt it earlier. It doesn’t mean that she necessarily did. And our date was wandering around a temple and performing Tai Chi, which unfortunately wasn’t shown on television, and not really the type of date that’s so hot and steamy. And being our first one-on-one date, I’ll just sum it all up and say that I was shocked.

Are you glad you went to Fiji? Did you get the closure you needed?
You know, I’m glad I did go. When I was let go, I just didn’t really totally understand. I mean now everything really comes clear after seeing her interact with the other guys. But what wasn’t shown on TV is some of the really good interaction that we did have together and some of the really good conversations.

But I’m very happy I went back. And I’m happy I got that closure I needed.

Did you think you had a chance the second time around?
You know when I showed up at her place she was so surprised. It was classic, totally classic. I thought the show did a decent job of capturing that. The energy level was really, really high there, and I did feel that there was a chance. I didn’t feel that there was a great chance. I mean, going out there anyways was somewhat of a long shot.

But I guess I’ll call myself an eternal optimist. It’s just that I see the brighter side of things. And so I thought I have nothing to lose here, and I’m going for it.

Were you in love with Ashley?
No. There are obviously qualities in her that I completely admire and do love about her. But I am not in love with Ashley.

Why do you think some of the guys were irritated with you?
It’s going to come out pretty clearly that they didn’t feel that I was insincere. But at the “Men Tell All,” it all smooths over.

I’m just a happy being, so to speak. And there’s time when you’re sitting around after being cooped up weeks on end and, people get grumpy about being in that situation. But I still maintained a positive demeanor from early in the morning until late in the evening. And, yes, I can see how that can kind of get on some people’s nerves. I definitely learned a lot about myself through that.

I don’t want to call myself unique, but I think it’s just different in that most of the time when you do see someone with a real happy outside, it’s trying to cover up something inside. I definitely don’t blame the guys for thinking that way up front. But those gentlemen that were around much longer realized that the proverbial mask is not coming off of me. That’s just the way I live my life.

Some people have been giving ABC flack for choosing Ashley as the Bachelorette. Do you think Ashley fits the mold?
I believe she was great casting for “The Bachelorette.” What people have to realize is that being the Bachelorette is hard. I mean, so much scrutiny; you have to be on every day, all day long. And I guess whatever flaws a human may have are going to be magnified exponentially.

It’s no secret that Ashley is a normal girl that came from a small town and gets catapulted into the spotlight. It’s no secret that, yes, she has insecurities, and some of her self-confidence can be somewhat low. That’s why whoever ends up with her, whether it be J.P. or Ben, I believe that either one of those gentlemen will help make her feel stronger about herself.

It’s just unfortunate that she’s been attacked so badly for her insecurities and then the elephant in the room—Bentley—preyed on that, unfortunately.

Would you ever consider doing “Bachelor Pad” or the “Bachelor”?
As far as “Bachelor Pad,” no. No offense to the program, I’m looking forward to watching it, but I do not envision myself ever participating in it. Regarding “The Bachelor,” we’ll see. Chris asked me that point blank if I’d do it, and as of right now, I’d just have to say it’s a maybe. For starters, I actually have a real job. Not that past bachelors haven’t, right? But it’s not something I need—it’s not like I’m aspiring to try to go that way.

Who do you think is better for Ashley—J.P. or Ben?
First off, they’re both great guys, but very different guys. You’ve got J.P. who was born and raised as a city boy his whole life. And then you’ve got Ben who’s spent a lot of time growing up in the Napa-Sonoma area and the outdoors and spending time living in San Diego. He’s more of your typical California boy. So both guys are very solid guys that come from different backgrounds.

I can see Ashley with both of them. But after being there and witnessing and watching it, her connection with J.P. is just extraordinary. I just see them resonating so perfectly.

Watch the “Men Tell All” Special this Sunday at 9pm EST, followed by the “Bachelorette” finale on Monday at 8pm EST on ABC.

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The “Bachelorette” embarked on a Fiji adventure that should be described as dramatic and unpredictable considering a few circumstances—a mystery man returned, someone bounced voluntarily, and Ashley got some Action Jackson twice-over in the fantasy suite. However, was it just me or was President Obama’s speech on the debt-ceiling craptastrophe a helluva lot more heart pounding?

Regardless, we got the message loud and clear from both Ashley-Boo and the President: Two must become one to get anything done! Yippie!

Although we have yet to know if American civilization will meet its doom and we’ll be eaten alive by China and India, what we do know is how Miss Shorty turned things around in her favor, so let’s just focus on those dang highlights:

Mystery Man Beams Into Fiji
As Ash adjusts her Playtex 18-hour bra straps in preparation with her date with Benji, she hears a knock! knock! It’s crazy smiley solar boy Ryan P.! Shaking with nervous delight and piggie snorting his way into her room, he tells her he’s returned because he wants a second chance!

“If you regretted anything—if you thought about me at all—I want to spend more time with you so bad! Call me crazy, but when I stepped out in the limo for the first time, there was something there!” he exclaims, hiding the cuts on his arms.

Before she can say an unequivocal “no,” he tells her to think things through and then zips out the door to down a bottle of Robitussin.

Tanning With Titillation
To look fresh for his date with Ashby, Ben F. gets a local to cut his hair via machete. He greets her, and the lovebirds go on a fancy yacht. He strips down into his fluorescent swimming trunks he bought at Target with the help of his mom, and Ash straddles him like an animal, rubbing Ban de Soleil on his grizzly bear chest. They giggle and exchange flirtations in a manner that indicates they were most likely rejects in high school.

To cool off, the duo dive into the clear waters and snorkel to their hearts’ content. They see tropical fish, coral, and the entire cast of Cocoon…

At dinner Ben wears a sheer V-neck long sleeve that manages to make him look both masculine and girly at the same time. Speaking in such a polite and pleasant manner as if taking cues from painter Bob Ross, he marvels at how wonderful their romantic adventures have been thus far. “What else would have to happen?” asks Ash.

“I think one of us would have to come forward and have to fully commit and say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he replies. “My feelings are on my way to that whole ‘I love you thing,’ ” he continues as his neck veins pop out with anxiety. But before that whole ‘I love you thing,’ The Miniature Adult wants to get some yummy time with Benbo and pulls out the invitation that asks him to meet her nether regions—the fantasy suite card! He accepts. She shows him the room that has a sexy view of the pool, so they can fantasize about being two sea lions copulating in dark blue waters. Suddenly, a bulging of sorts occurs, but we will not speak of the location, you dirty-minded ones!

He’s Just Not That Into Her
After being gently shagged by Ben F., Ashley happily runs off to Constantine and surprises him with a helicopter ride! As they zing off into the air, the camera pans down to a beaming figure—it’s Ryan P. down below! Although he considers holding a radio above his head and serenading Ash with Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes,” instead, he defers to calming his nerves by groping algae and counting rocks…

Meanwhile, Constantine is having the time of his life, and thankfully for her, Ashley gets to play a minor role in it! They doggie paddle around a gushing waterfall and eat coconuts on the shore. However, Ash lays down the law and says she learned on the hometown dates that the way he takes forever making important decisions is a reflection of how slow their relationship is going. He smiles at her, but his eyes dreamily drift off to the excitement of the waterfall and how the waves tickle his family jewels.

“Constantine needs a lot more time, and it’s something we just don’t have and that makes me nervous,” Ashen Face confesses to the camera.

At dinner she asks if the Greek God has ever been overcome with emotion because she’s getting tired of his half-arsed response to her. He tells her that loving, kissing, and hugging come naturally but that it’s just not working right now. To add more salt to the wound, he says in an ideal situation, he’d be head over heels with the woman of his choosing. “I don’t have that yet,” he finally concludes. Out of respect, he says…

And now we interrupt this program for President Obama’s national address about the dramatic stalemate of the debt talks and our consideration of moving to China…

“This means the end of the road for me,” Constantine is finally able to say. Ashley-kins says she’s glad he’s honest, but deep down in her secret place, she’s terribly sad. She was really looking forward to her piper getting paid. “What if I end up all alone and all of this was for nothing?” she ponders, as she tosses her diaphragm into the crashing waves.

She’s Just Not That Into Him
After feeling completely rejected, Ash offers the negative energy to Ryan P. “Saying goodbye to you was the hardest goodbye I had,” she confides. However, she tells him she knows she made the right decision because she just wasn’t feeling any passion. Ryan P. frowns but gracefully takes a bow for the second time. Trying to look at the bright side on finding love, he tells the camera in Rain Man-like fashion: “It’ll happen, it’ll happen, it’ll happen, it’ll happen.” He rocks back and forth and starts talking to himself enthusiastically.

It’s Not a Competition
For her date with J.P., Ash takes him on a sea plane! He’s so amazed that the tips of his inner eyebrows go parallel north and remain there for the entire day. They land on their own private island and wade in the water, allowing starfish to suck on their big toes as they chit chat and embrace.

In the evening, the two have dinner in the middle of a jungle. Mr. Clean admits he has a hard time imagining her having feelings for the other guys. To tune him into the latest, Ash tells him that she had to say goodbye to Constantine and that a mystery man returned!

“Did you think Bentley came back?” she asks with laughter. “Yeah!” he joyfully responds and blinking without an eyelash in sight.

Before she hands him the fantasy suite card, she tells him to remember that it’s not a competition and not to hold back. He concurs but still doesn’t have the chutzpah to tell her that he loves her.

After he agrees to pump the pasties with her, she leads him into the boom! boom! room, and they suck each other’s teeth off. She saunters into the bathroom and moments later, emerges wearing black lingerie under a white dress shirt that Chris Harrison personally ironed for her. They do the deed that is dirty beyond description, and there will be no more discussion of it, you lewd weasels!

Faux Rose Ceremony
Because she wants to make sure they don’t pull “a Constantine,” Ash conducts a rose ceremony with the only two dudes who were ever truly into her. No big shocker: Ben and his hair say yes, as do J.P. and his heinous jungle flip flops.

Highlights From Next Episode
Ben F. and J.P. meet Ashley’s family and ruthless Goth sister!

Be sure to check out “The Men Tell All” this Sunday night (July 31) at 9pm EST.

ABC

This interview can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

When Ashley Hebert eliminated charming Ames Brown on Monday night’s “Bachelorette,” poets, romantics, and nerds beat their aching hearts with great disappointment. However, their sorrow turned to joy (and perhaps confusion) when ABC made the recent announcement that the Yale/Columbia/Harvard-educated portfolio manager was going to make his second reality appearance on the upcoming season of “Bachelor Pad,” which airs Monday, August 8.

The 31-year-old chatted with reporters about his experience and the lessons he learned while on the “Bachelorette”— specifically, the emotional devastation he felt when Ashley let him go, what he’s looking for in his future soul mate, and why an uber sophisticated smarty pants like him would choose to be on reality TV. (No offense to reality TV, ahem.)

Let’s start from the beginning. How familiar were you with the “Bachelor” franchise and how did you end up on it?
I have to admit I wasn’t familiar with the show almost at all beforehand. But I was on a business trip in Central Asia in one of the “stans.” I think it was Uzbekistan, and I got an e-mail on the way back from someone in the casting department that said they had found me somehow and would I be interested in it. At that point, I had been single for more than a year, and I was like, why not? So I flew to Los Angeles and followed it up. I don’t know how they find people really, but I’m very grateful that they did.

Take us back to the night Ashley walked you to the limo to say goodbye. We saw you graciously smiling from ear-to-ear, but what were you really feeling?
I think it would be hard to eclipse my level of disappointment that evening. I definitely had a smile on my face, and maybe that was some sort of emotional guard…I can be pretty sure that it was. I didn’t want to make something that was already difficult for Ashley even more difficult. I just wanted to exit as gracefully as possible…and I just didn’t want to be any kind of blight on that. But that was an awful, awful week. I probably got out of the limousine where I did my interview and probably threw up or something like that. It was unbelievable. I have to admit I was totally disconnected in terms of what I was feeling and what was going on.

Now that you’ve been able to watch the hometown dates, did you see any differences between your time with Ashley compared to the other guys’ dates that may have indicated why she sent you home?
I felt like we had a great date, and I think one thing I really picked on, watching the hometown dates, is that my progress with Ashley certainly was a lot slower than the other guys. But I didn’t see that as a negative necessarily. In fact, in many ways, I was trying to take our relationship a little bit slower just because I wanted it to last forever, and I think a lot of times, both watching this show and out of real life, we see a lot of relationships that move super-quick and then expire just as quickly.

We got a sense that your sister may have felt that Ashley wasn’t completely sold on you. When you got back, did they say anything to confirm that, or were they supportive?
They were pretty morose because they knew that I really, really wanted to move on—especially I really wanted to move on to that next week, the first week in Fiji. So they were pretty sad, and I think that’s just because they knew that I was really sad and thought we had a lot of potential.

Do you think Ashley made a big mistake by letting you go?
I don’t know. I know what makes me happy, but I don’t know necessarily what makes her happy.  And I think, generally, she makes pretty good decisions. The guys she kept around until the end are amazing, and so I think that she probably made a good decision in the end.

Do you regret how far you got with her, considering you got your family involved, too?
No, I had a wonderful time dating her. I don’t want to sound trite, but she is amazing. And so, I don’t regret it at all. It was very, very, very painful surrounding that, and for the weeks following our breakup – or whatever that’s called when that happens – and so that was painful. But it is better to have loved and lost, especially in this context.

Some people have wondered why a guy who’s Ivy League educated would consider being on a reality dating show.
I’ve been single for quite a long time—more than a year—and I guess I just believe that love occurs in unexpected places, and it’s even more romantic when it does occur in unexpected places. And for me, it actually did occur on the show, strangely…because I know how painful it was when I learned that it wasn’t going to be fully realized.

Now that you’ve had time to reflect, do you have a better idea of what you’re looking for in that special someone?
I definitely have learned a lot and got a great feeling when I was with Ashley. And that feeling taught me a lot. She’s an exceptional person in so many ways, like really smart and beautiful, and has a lot of combinations of things that are rare to find in the same person. So I’m hoping, obviously, to find somebody who gives me that same great feeling and has those same great things or similar great things together. It was a learning experience, a painful one, physically and emotionally at the end. But if I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I would definitely do it.

Be sure to catch the last few episodes of “The Bachelorette” on Mondays on ABC at 8/7c. And check out Ames bringing on his A-game once again on the “Bachelor Pad,” which busts out its 3-hour premiere on Monday, August 8 at 8/7c.

ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

“I’m ready to find my husband,” Ashley passionately asserted on last night’s “Bachelorette.” But first, it was time to fock it up with The Fockers! The hometown dates gave Ash a sneak peek into the family lives of her four remaining sperm donors and more importantly, a great opportunity to see if any of them were indulgent, thumb-sucking mama’s boys.

Check out how she fared with the Mamas and the Papas right here:

Going Greek
Forgoing volumizing gel spray because he wants her to see him in his most natural state, Constantine greets Ash in his hometown of Cumming, GA! He takes her to his family’s Italian restaurant where they make pizzas and disrespect the prep process by refusing to wear hairnets. “There’s dah-fan-ite chemistry between him and I,” chirps Ash.

They hop over to his house and meet his jolly Grecian father, mother, and lovely sister—who apparently made a wig of Ash’s hair and placed it on her own head. After a dinner full of lamb chops, Constantine’s mother asks if Ash is ready to relocate to Cumming since there’s no way in hell she’d let her baby boy leave the nest. Sensing she’d be killed if she doesn’t comply, Ash tells her she’d move in a heartbeat!

While Constantine’s mother continues her indirect threats masked in Southern charm, father and son have a man-to-man chat. The elder says he doesn’t want Constantine “to be rushed into anything” but that he’d give him his blessing if his son thinks she’s the right person. They exchange more words of encouragement as we quietly compare the gaps in their teeth. Suddenly, the doorbell rings! Whoever could it beee?! The entire Greek nation! Aunties, uncles, elder folk, and ankle biters pour into Constantine’s home and begin to dance around his hideous sunburnt leather couch and tiny cross-dressing poodle! When it’s time for Ash to say goodbye, the whole family watches from the doorway while munching on kebabs and grape leaves as the Gentle Giant and Diminutive One lay their smackers on each other. Opa!

A Heady Romance
Ames welcomes Ashley-Boo to his sprawling ranch estate in Chadds Ford, PA. She meets his mother, as well as his older sister and brother, who, like Ames, carry the genetic facial features of a pug.

When Ames’ sis takes Ash aside to an indoor pool area, she asks the Little Girl what she really feels for her nerderific brother. Ashley admits that their relationship has developed more slowly but that she’s absolutely intrigued by him and wants to know more. However, she also admits that whatever happens, she’s determined to be engaged at the end of the show. Big Sis quietly acknowledges the Dancing Queen’s statement and considers shoving her head in the pool.

Ames takes Ashley-cakes to his favorite place—a garden where magnolias are in bloom! As they enjoy their picnic, he compliments her and allows the sun to beam cancerous rays on his unusually orange forehead. After admitting he was dangerously dorky in grade school, he woos her by telling her about an Italian Renaissance way of being romantic, which asks one “to be romantic as possible but through your ordinary life.” He adds: “There is so much more magic in the ordinary…if you can have romantic things come from inside you.” They kiss like 5th graders, and the magnolia tree shrivels up and dies. Immediately after, Ames brings on more of the poetic charm by treating her to a horse-drawn carriage ride, fitted with drivers who are dressed like extras from The Great Gatsby. “This could be a storybook romance,” lies Ashley.

Ben Gets So Emotional, Baby!
With all the emotional courage that his hair can muster, Ben F. opens his heart up to Ashley in Sonoma, CA. He takes her to his winery, and he lets her sample his pesticide, GMO-filled fermented creations. As raindrops plop onto their J. Crew wardrobe, the two sit down and shiver their J. Lo’s off on a front porch. He tells her he doesn’t bring a lot of women home and that in fact, she’s only the second girl he’s introduced to his mom. (What he doesn’t tell her is that the first girl he brought home was when he was in the 3rd grade.) “It’s serious, and [my sister and mom] have to like you…it needs to work…otherwise, it just doesn’t work for me,” he gently threatens. “Now I’m really nervaas,” Ashley giggles.

The Neanderthal introduces her to the two main ladies in his life, but we become greatly distracted and agitated by his younger sister’s pearls. Little Sis takes bro aside and asks if he can see himself getting engaged to Ashen-Face. He confides to Pearls that being with the dental queen is “effortless” and he has “no problem proposing.”

However, the real emotions come out when Benji talks to his mama. “I think [dad] would be proud of you,” she tells her son. Tears well up in his eyeballs. His curls droop. Oh, the catharsis!

Rink A-Dink-Dink
J.P. builds up a sweat when he takes Ashley to a roller rink in Roslyn, NY! As they chortle and slip on the old, crusty rent-a-skates, the two unknowingly catch a bad case of toe fungus. But who cares?! They’re having the time of their lives! The disco balls starts rotating, and REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” permeates the air!

As they hold hands and skate in circles, J.P. secretly passes gas and falls to the floor. The DJ keels over and the music stops. While the producers attend to the DJ, the lovely couple eat in the center of the rink, and Baldy Boy tells her that his mother, father, and brother are his world. He also adds that she’d be the fifth girl he’s brought home. “How are you so sure about us?” Ashley asks. “I’m on such a high with you!” he replies and says he’s willing to risk getting his heart broken. As they gaze romantically into each other’s eyes, a distant figure that turns out to be Chris Harrison is doing figure eights in the background.

Over a splendid carb-filled dinner of lasagna, Ash gets acquainted with J.P.’s family and observes that his brother was the lucky one to receive the full-on eyebrow hair gene. While the brothers go off and talk about J.P.’s fears and willingness to propose, Ash and Mom chat it up. The latter confesses she’s “so scared” that her son’s heart will be broken again. “I’m smitten by your son,” Ashley tells his mom to get her hopes up.

More embarrassing than her treacherous white-button sweater, Mom pulls out her son’s bar mitzvah picture, which looks more like a Big Bopper teen poster. The photo is a testament to Kirk Cameron hair and the fact that J.P. is most likely related to actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Nerd Out
Back in L.A., Ash easily decides whose heart she’ll de-bud. With not a tear in her eye, she banishes Ames’ love circuitry! As usual, the Harvardite looks bewildered and cocks his head to the side as if he cannot compute that he’s become extinct. “I’ve fallen in love with somebody who clearly didn’t fall in love with me,” he says in the limo. “I was really excited to see what was going to happen between the two of us, and that’s something I’ll never get to know.” And we’ll never get to know if he truly had a set of bottom teeth.

Highlights From Upcoming Episodes
Fiji! Matching beach outfits! Ben F’s new haircut! A Mystery Man returns! Ash’s inked-out sister disapproves! Ash cries and calls her a bizatch! Things are getting real fo reals!

ABC

This interview can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

On this past Monday’s episode of the “Bachelorette,” the ever-conservative Lucas Daniels was forced to wear a shimmering gold dress…and was then eliminated right before hometown dates. What a humiliating way to shoot down a Texas cowboy!

The 30-year-old oilfield equipment distributor talked to reporters about how he felt about his elimination, Bentley’s surprise visit to Hong Kong, and what women would have to drink if Ryan P. ever became the “Bachelor.”

Were you surprised that you were eliminated?
I felt very confident going into [the rose ceremony]. I was already prepared to take her home, and I was prepared to say, “Hey, mom and dad, here’s Ashley.” So I was shocked; I wasn’t quite sure what she didn’t see in me versus Ames. But she made great decisions pretty much throughout…but I was bummed out. I was kind of shocked at the end.

What do you think may have gone wrong?
Some of our beliefs, our family—stuff like that. I think we were just really opposite. I’m very, very traditional. I’m conservative, and she is just kind of the other side and that’s fine. Opposites attract…I was surprised that she didn’t keep me around honestly. I didn’t see it coming, but if that was her decision, then I respected that.

We know you were one of the guys who was outwardly disappointed with Ashley when she admitted that Bentley was in Hong Kong. Did you at all emotionally check out with her after that?
I thought we finally made a connection on our date. I thought everything was kind of behind her and then, yes, when she tells all of us that she fell for him, it was just kind of a gut shot. I didn’t emotionally check out, but it really put a damper in kind of the way I was feeling about her at that time. I’ve never had somebody do that before, especially after a date, but I was still checked in.

What did you learn from this experience?
Well, one thing I learned is how to really open up and talk about my feelings because I’ve never talked about my feelings like that in a long, long time. I’ve always said what’s on my mind since I was small, but this just really gets you in touch with your feelings and just helps you open up. I think she deserved that.

Now that you’re able to watch the show, what’s the one thing that surprised you?
Probably the most—and it’s kind of the same thing everybody has been talking about—but it is Bentley. I didn’t really see that in him, of treating somebody like that. I guess it’s the way I was raised. You just don’t treat somebody like that, so it really shocked me.

Do you think you would’ve survived as a couple if Ashley took you all the way to the end?
I think it would have been an uphill battle. I really believe everything happens for a reason, so I think it was probably a good thing I was sent home. I would have still given it a shot if she wanted to come to my home town, but yes, it probably would have been pretty tough. I mean, we were pretty different.

Why were you guys so annoyed with Ryan?
He wasn’t a bad guy—he was just too much. We were exhausted because he was just through the roof the entire show.

Rumors are going around that he might be a contender for next season’s “Bachelor.” Any thoughts?
I guess [he] would be a decent Bachelor. Those women better be very, very energetic and have a lot of Red Bull. But anyway I think a perfect candidate in my mind just because he was a very good friend of mine is Ben F. I think he’s wonderful. We got really close, he and Constantine. We’re all good buds on the show, and I think he’d be a great candidate.

Who do you think is good for Ashley?
If I had to pick—Ben F. I think they have the most fun together.

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays on ABC at 8/9c.

ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Since ABC offered a “Bachelor Updates” special, America politely waited to hear Emily Maynard spill the deets on why her and Bradonka-donk Womack’s fairytale romance zapped off into reality TV oblivion. But after host Chris Harrison ended his 20-minute interview with the sniffling single mama, the only thing that we were able to take away is this: We have enough close up shots of the Southern Doll’s creamy foundation, Geena Davis-like overbite, and non-existent tears to last us a lifetime. Oh, and we’re still waiting for that personality to show up. The rest is lost on us.

“I’ll always be in love with Brad,” the 25-year-old confessed to an unfazed albeit sweaty Chris Harrison. “Not a day will go by that I don’t regret how things have turned out and wished things were different.”

Trembling with heartbreak throughout her conversation but never managing to shed a tear, Emily added that she’d never say anything bad about the 39-year-old “gentleman” and that he’d always be part of her life.

“I realized that maybe my ‘want’ for it to work out…overshadowed the actual reality of the relationship,” she said. “I didn’t doubt that we loved each other; I just doubted he was still going to want to be with me.”

Describing the split as her “worst nightmare” and “heartbreaking,” Emily also admitted no one was as disappointed as her. Apparently, the veteran love host sitting across from her felt pretty let down, too.

“I believed Brad and Emily would work,” Chris recently told People. “I knew the interview was going to be very difficult for her and for me.”

He continued: “I want people to know she was very reluctant to come on. Because of all of the media attention, all the tabloids, all the paparazzi and this insatiable appetite for information on the relationship, she kind of bit the bullet and was the one to step forward, and it was incredibly brave of her to speak up all by herself.”

Ah yes, to add to the many unanswered topics, Bradilda was nowhere to be found, but according to Emmie-cakes, he gave her his blessing.

So how does the Northy Cackeylackian want to move forward now that she’s gotten all that ambiguity off of her chest and left it on us to ponder? She says she wants to focus on being a mom.

Pardon us for saying, but isn’t her focus on becoming the next Bachelorette?

ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Ashley surprisingly revealed moments of clarity on last night’s “Bachelorette” as she and her six remaining girly men rollicked about in Taipei, Taiwan. Not only did she end up being decisive on the two hearts she ended up obliterating, but she also made no bones about her prerequisites: 1) She needed to feel a Nicholas Sparks Notebook-type connection with the men of her choosing. 2) They had to be delish eye-candy.

Hey, who could blame the chick for being a cutthroat grasshoppa this go round? After all, she knew that the next time she’d see her four remaining bachelors, it’d be Focker time (a.k.a. hometown dates)!

In keeping with Ash’s determination to find “the whole package,” let’s see if the dudes’ packages held up:

Flying High
With no pressure to hand out roses on her three one-on-one dates, Ashley gleefully starts her love-fest off with big-boned Constantine and takes him on a train ride to a small village. As the train chugs faster and faster, the two find themselves going through a dark tunnel. Suddenly, POOF! They’re both wearing round spectacles and capes—they’ve arrived at Hogwarts! Oops! Wrong adventure…

After getting back on the right track, the two finally get off at Ping-Shi where the locals are having a lantern festival. Ash explains to Constantine that they must write out their “love wishes” on a giant lantern and then let it fly away. As the budding lovebirds giggle their way through their little project, the lantern seller suspiciously watches their every move to make sure those jokers pay him. Later a dog walks by and pees on their lantern (I’m not joking).

At dinnertime, Constantine tells Ash he has a large crazy family. She tells him she’s down with large and crazy and likes that he’s not too eager with her. Although he acknowledges their relationship is developing slowly, he thinks things should be organic. “You can’t force it, you can’t speed it up, you can’t slow it down…what a powerful emotion love is!” he explains, hoping she doesn’t see how much he’s not into her.

To end their date, they take their stained lantern and let it float high into the sky. More lanterns fly next to theirs and eventually collide with it, burning it to a crisp. The smell of dog urine permeates the night, and they both collapse on the stone ground.

The Overnighter
For her second date, Ashley-Boo takes Ben F. on a national park exploration via moped! They zoom off and coo at the millions of rocks and trees, while Ben utters affectionate nerd-isms with his nasally monotone voice.

“I’m falling in love with Ashley,” he secretly tells the camera. The two talk about his family, and he later confides that riding on the moped inspired him to keep his love motor running for her. With the greatest affection, Ash stares longingly at the unusually large space between his nose and upper lip and then they peck like middle schoolers til dawn.

The next morning, the dudes realize Ben hasn’t come home! J.P.’s so furious he refuses to brush his teeth and hopes to have a breathy talk with Ben as soon as he walks through the door. Once the Geico Caveman arrives, he reassures all of the boys that his dangly parts remained in their usual place. “It’s a total mind f**k,” sneers a jealous J.P., rushing past the brunette with the lovely bed-head curls.

Say Cheese!
For the group date—which has a rose up for grabs—the Dancing Queen forces Lucas, Ames, and J.P. to explore the tradition of taking Asian-inspired wedding photos. Two words: Cheese Louise.

Feeling emasculated, Lucas comes out from behind the dressing room curtain in what looks like a tight gold dress, resembling a bad mamma-jamma of the Shaolin. Being a sport in all things pink, Ames pops out in a ruffly blush-tinged dress shirt tacked onto a sparkly “Saturday Night Fever” ensemble with albatross feathers sticking out of the pocket kerchief. Sensing his sourpuss state, the Taiwanese photogs are merciful to J.P. and simply dress him in a tux, but the baldy boy still remains discouraged, especially when seeing Lucas and Ames exchange saliva with the bride.

At dinner Lucas tells Ash he wasn’t digging his gold dress, Ames shows off his grade school pics while wearing noticeably loud brick-red pants, and finally, J.P. whines his way into getting the coveted rose! Mazel tov!

Solar Eclipse of the Heart
Wearing her second back-baring bra-less top, Ash hugs Ryan P. at a giant square, while Taiwanese locals stare at them as if they’re a disease. The two walk into a temple and see people holding incense, chanting, and bobbing their heads back and forth. The sensory overload excites Ryan so much that he almost purposely lights himself on fire via burning incense. To get him to focus, Ash leads him to the Matchmaking God and tells him they must throw a set of small bricks onto the floor and if they turn up on opposite sides, then their wish will come true. The bricks land on the same side. But being the consummate optimist, Ryan shakes it off, and the two decide to climb up a million stairs to watch people do Tai Chi from a distance. She listens to him yap about the meditative practice and feels her ovaries shrinking.

As they sit down to gorge on dim sum and admire the koi and the birdies, Sunshine Boy spouts off curse words like “Shush!” and “Oh my gosh!” along with smiles that are full-on dork. Feeling emotionally confused, Ash prompts him to talk dirty to her, so he starts chirping about water heaters…her mind drifts and she begins dreaming of a sweaty Constantine in a Chippendale’s outfit. Soon after, her face starts to tremble, and she blurts out the cold hard truth—she’s just not that into him! He’s flabbergasted. The sun hides behind the clouds, and he walks away—in his revolutionary pink dress shirt from Lands’ End.

“I’m shocked,” he says with tears welling up in his baby blues. “I don’t want to be alone. I want to share this life with someone.” He doesn’t understand what these dark emotions are flooding into his happy system. He thinks he’s going to die. The camera follows him as he walks the majority of the way back to the hotel (since it’s the eco-friendly thing to do).

To Hell With the Cowboy!
Now that Ash is feeling energized from her rejection of Solar Buns, she continues her rosebud-cutting rampage and decides not to have a cocktail party. The final victim? Lucas, the Lovelorn Texas Ranger. He bows out like the Southern Gent that he is and struts down the walkway of shame. As she watches him, she notices a sliver of the gold dress he claimed to hate peekabooing from one of his pant legs.

No matter. She begins to sob, feeling the weight of the world on her forehead. “Maybe I’m not cut out for this!”

Highlights From Next Episode
Hometown dates! Ice skating! Making personal pan pizzas! Going Greek! Opa!