ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Last night’s “Bachelor” was full of emotional mountains and valleys as the gang took off to Park City, Utah, into the breathtaking great outdoors.

But the scenic landscape gave way to fuglified cat scratching as Courtney’s manipulative ways to snag Ben began to make eyeballs roll and jealous tempers boil—most notably from epidemiologist Emily. (And let’s just say she got enough angry material for a second gangsta rap to be well underway!)

Check out how things got dirty right quick:   

Silence Is Golden Blond
For his first individual date, Ben takes Rachel on a canoe and picnic date in the mountains! He paddles across the river, and the two blankly smile at each other as the sun sets and the mosquitoes swarm around them in a throng of celebration. After Benjina dives in for an unnatural kiss, they end up on the other side of the lake staring at each other again with nothing to say; instead of conversation, Rachel lets her diamond nose ring twinkle in the sunlight to communicate how much she likes Ben.

At dinner, the two keep staring at each other in silence until Ben tries to force Rach to open up. To distract him but at the same pretending to be vulnerable, she talks about having a rough time opening up while not having to actually open up. Ben falls for it while admiring her bangs and then gives her the rose. They go outside and roast marshmallows and burn their tongues, which gives Rachel another excuse for not talking to him.

Something Smells Fishy
Jamie, Kasey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney are summoned by Sir Ben-ja-lot to accompany him on a group date.

Riding on a horse and letting the wind flow through his extra-conditioned hair, Ben reminds the girls of a hunk on the cover of a trashy romantic novel…while I think he simply looks like Melissa Rivers with shorter hair.

They all jump on horses and ride over to their next activity: fly fishing! The girls are forced to wear the appropriate baggy attire, albeit looking like long lost members of the 90s hip hop group Bell Biv Devoe.

As the rest of the girls dumbly focus on catching fish, strategizing Court shimmies her way into getting alone time with Ben. Lindzi notices the two going off together and decides to infiltrate their good time, which forces the lip-eating brunette to resort to Plan B.

When no one’s looking, Courtney gives a quick wink, and from a distance, we see Chris Harrison giving her a thumbs up while releasing fish in her vicinity. Moments later, she exclaims she’s caught a fishie! Lindzi looks on with disappointment and proceeds to hide her face in her hair like she always does. Ben frolics to help Court with her catch, while the girls decide how they might be able to smash the fish in her face later on.

Wittle Samantha Gets a Permanent Time Out
At dinner Ben wears flip flops. I repeat: Ben wears flip flops. And coincidentally, the girls lose their appetite at the same time.

Nicki tells Ben how thankful she is about being on group dates. Moments later, Samantha interrupts the two and complains about being on group dates and not on any one-on-ones. Turned off by her juvenile tantrum, Ben decides to talk to her like a baby since she’s acting like one. He tells her that she’s been super emotional on all the group outings and that he questions her motivations. As she sits there stunned (looking like SNL’s Cherry Oteri), he reams into her and says he continues putting her on group dates because her actions seem like she’s not taking the process seriously and that he’s watching her like a hawk. Suddenly, The Hawk decides she’s gotta go. He kicks her to the curb, and she’s forced to leave!

Ben takes Courtney aside, and she essentially reiterates Samantha’s message: She’s not feeling special. Immediately, Ben’s package droops in dismay, and instead of telling her to hit the road like he did with Sam-Sam, he quickly offers her the rose. The girls go cross-eyed in disbelief, and Blakeley’s teeth fall out.

Falling in the Deep
Ben asks Jennifer (a.k.a. The Best Kisser in Da House) to be his second one-on-one date. He takes her to a deep crater full of water and tells her they are going to drop into it in search of a shortcut to China.

Shivering, Jen repels down with Ben, and because he secretly needs to go to the bathroom, he decides to unhook the rope asap—SPLASH! They fall into the water. As they backstroke side by side, Jen feels something warm on the side of her body but tells herself it’s just a warm current. (Ben’s eyes nervously dart side to side.) As a distraction, he makes out with her, and they doggie paddle with joy.

At dinner their convo gets interrupted by a major downpour, and they reluctantly flee from their carnivorous plates of Filet Mignon. Regardless, Ben gives her the rose and then takes her to a Clay Walker concert. She laughs all night long, and Ben dances with her…wishing he were prancing around with Courtney…

Winning!—Unfortunately
Cocktail time! Among all the girls, Emily becomes most annoyed with Courtney’s hypocrisy and wants to warn Ben. Without thinking it through, Em tells Ben that Court is bad news. He flares his nostrils in denial and warns her not to focus on other people.

She goes back inside with her tail between her legs but continues to confide in the girls that Courtney is Satan with long-haired eyebrows.

Kasey S., who apparently is the only worshipper of the model, goes off and tells her about Emily’s gripes and how she talked to Ben about her fake ways. Courtney freaks out and shows her anger by contorting her mouth east and west and sucking on her own lips like a baby’s binkie.

“I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows in the middle of the night,” says Courtney to Kasey S.

Later on that night, Courtney decides to get under Em’s skin. She chuckles at her and then attacks her in front of the other girls. Emily shoots back saying she’s acting like a child, but Court retorts that she’s the child and that it was in bad taste to have talked smack about her to Ben. “Winning!” exclaims Courtney as she walks away. Emily runs off to cry out her inner nerd, fearing that Benji-vicious will wipe her out like antibacterial gel does to a germ!

Bi-licious Goes Home
In the end, Ben scares Emily by giving her the final rose but gives Monica the boot. The Peg Bundy look-alike kisses him goodbye but not before telling him to slap a wet one on Blakeley for her.

Highlights From Next Episode
Puerto Rico! Emily and Courtney go at it again! Courtney takes Ben skinny-dipping in the middle of the night so they could compare who’s got the bigger manhood! Whaat?!!!

A FAREWELL NOTE:
I just wanted to send out a heartfelt thank you to those of you who’ve supported my crazy takes on various reality TV shows over the past couple years at XfinityTV. Your kind words and laughter have meant the world to me, and every sleep deprivation headache I’ve gotten was absolutely worth it!

Unfortunately, this will be my final recap of the “Bachelor” for XfinityTV since I’ve decided to take an editorial position at another company—but I’ll still be writing! Feel free to “like” me on Facebook so we can continue to ride on the same pop culture crazy train together. – eudie

ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

“The Bachelor” wasn’t a cake walk this past Monday night. Not only were there scary heights to climb in San Fran but also pancake butts were getting bruised whilst skiing, and there was crying and fainting of North Korea-Kim Jung Il-ian proportions! And the biggest whopper of them all was when a mystery girl showed up at the last minute to try to woo Benjina’s heart at the cocktail party! Hint: She drains blood for a living!

Check out the deathly sequence of events right here:

Over the Top
Ben takes Epidemiologist Emily on his first one-on-one date in San Fran! Even though they’re both extremely afraid of heights, he tells her they’re both climbing to the top of Bay Bridge!

To ease them in for their dizzying trek, the instructor tells them it’s quite possible they could die on reality TV. The two are given colorful gender-identifying hard hats—blue and pink—and as they look at the climb before them, the potential lovers regret not wearing diapers. As they trudge higher and higher, Emily panics! To comfort her, Ben sucks on her lips, and although she wants to toss antibacterial in her mouth, Em decides to release her fears by screaming! Against all odds, the two finally make it to the top, despite Chris Harrison having to bring two new pairs of pants for them, along with some baby wipes.

They go to dinner, and the night lights allow Ben to show off his shimmering lip gloss (must be a metro thing). Em tells him of her horrible online dating experiences, and they exchange unmemorable niceties that makes us fall asleep with our mouths open. We wake up to find him giving her the rose, and he proceeds to peck her continuously. Suddenly, fireworks explode—not just in Benjaboo’s pants!—but also in the sky! Oh my! The girls scream with envy back at the hotel and decide to put millions of germs on Emily’s pillow.

Butt Skiing in the Summer
Ben takes Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erica, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Elyse, and Kasey S. snowskiing in the city!

Instead of mountains, Ben shows the girls a man-made snow hill in the middle of a disgruntled neighborhood! The girls strip down into their bikinis that they all happen to be wearing, and the cameras capture various-sized badonka donks and cottage cheese thighs zooming down the snowy runway! Yeehawww! Collisions and screaming and mooning abound!

At dinner, Kacie B. tortures herself by watching Benji-Poo make out with other girls. She pulls him aside, and to shut up her complaining, he makes out with her, too. He talks to Blakeley, and she confides that all the ladies hate her but her teeth distract him. Suddenly, Brittney—whom he requested his last individual date with—suddenly appears with her luggage in tow to break up the party! She tells him she’s thought a long and hard 15 minutes but realized she’s just not that into him. He looks at her uncomfortably as if passing some painful gas, but being the gentleman that he is, walks her out to the cab. Guess Grandma Sheryl was more into Ben’s man pasties than her granddaughter.

Ben returns to the dinner party, and trying to shake off his injured ego, gives the rose to nose-ringed Rachel.

Gravel Voice Wins the Last Date
The next morning Ben awakes to the smell of horse manure and takes it as a sign: Lindzi will be his replacement date! At night they hop on a trolley and eat trans-fat ice cream and drive through Chinatown. Next stop: City Hall! They walk through the dark echoey building with flashlights, and suddenly, a band emerges lip-syncing the night away! The lovebirds dance and eat each other’s mouths with delight!

After paying the band with ice cream cone crumbs, the two take off to an underground speakeasy. It’s there that Lindzi tells Ben she was horrifically dumped via text. She continues speaking, but her voice reminds Ben too much like that kid’s from “The Shining,” and it kinda freaks him out. Before he can scream “Redrum! Redrum!,” Chris H. scolds him from behind the cameras, and Ben quickly hands her the rose!

Legs of Death Threatens the Self-Esteem of the Entire Group
A mystery girl drives on the highway to the cocktail party…all we know for now is that she sounds like a Valley Girl and drives stick shift…

Suddenly, she pulls up, and we discover it’s Mortician Shawntel from Brad’s season! She decides to instill fear into the hearts of the other girls by being dead-set (pun intended) on winning Ben’s heart!

She walks through the room, and the rest of the girls begin to hop out of their thongs screaming “Who’s that girl?!” and “What’s happening?!” When Shawntel and her legs of death stand before Ben, he curses in shock and the waves in his TRESemmé hair fall flat.

Giving them no privacy, the girls crowd around the two as if they’re about to pounce on the interloper! Elyse, who apparently had a demon lodged in her throat, blurts out “Who is sheee?!!!”

Trying to look as cute as ever by squinting her eyes repeatedly, Shawntel tells Ben she believes they had made a connection (based on clandestine chats they had in the recent past off-camera). She tells him she’ll be at the rose ceremony, and he just stares at her thighs dumbfounded. Quickly, he introduces her to the group and walks off, knowing that she might get killed.

Within no time, the ladies begin to attack her. “You don’t know Ben!” Elyse screams. Shawntel tells the angry ladies nicely that if they don’t like her they’re just insecure biatches. And insecure indeed they were—even Bottom Lip-Eating Courtney begins to cry! Yahooo!

The Dangling Rose
Ben offers the first rose to Courtney; she hesitates but then accepts it—but not without calling Shawntel “What’s-Her-Butt” before she walks off. The other roses go to Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Kasey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, Samantha, and…the final rose goes to…WAIT! Erica suddenly falls to the floor (probably because she realizes she’s one of the butter faces of the group but everyone blames Shawntel instead).

After Erica gets fanned, Ben makes a speech about how wonderful the last three girls are and then decides to give the final rose to NOBODY! Shawntel, Erica, and Monica go home! THUD! Erica falls to the floor again! Jaclyn quacks off and cries her brains out! Ben walks Shawntel out and explains that although he likes her luscious gams and cherubic face, he didn’t think it was fair to the girls for her to be there. She stares at him with disappointment and rigamortis sets in her heart.

Highlights From Next Episode
Park City, Utah! Kissing in elevators! Falling butt first in caverns! Courtney acts like a jerk towards Emily and makes her cry!

Wanna hear more? “Like” me on Facebook to follow my TV coverage!

ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Boring Benji got a hair-raising jolt of excitement on last night’s “Bachelor” when he discovered girl-on-girl hatin’ was already in full effect!

Although he had assumed bringing 18 ladies to his hometown of Sonoma Valley would be a peaceful grape-plucking experience for all, a sexually aggressive set of horse dentures (a.k.a. Blakeley) and an unnerving two-faced narcissist (a.k.a. Courtney) began to unleash their negative energy and taint the rest of the princesses’ dreamy hopes of scoring wifey points with their beloved Prince Ben-ja-boo!

Twirling Around Town
Ben chooses giggly Kacie B. (and her killah bedroom eyeballs!) as his first date! They go to the local town and play the piano together and buy Kermit lunch boxes at a toy store. Kacie runs back to the store and purchases a mystery gift—tada!—it’s a rundown used baton! She tells Ben she used to be a baton twirler when she was a kid and shows him her twirling skills. Womp womp.

The duo go to dinner and discuss how they’re both hopeless romantics. As we observe more of Kacie B., the more we realize she has an uncanny ability to contort her mouth in interesting shapes, along with the unfortunate curse of sounding less and less intelligent. But Ben-diddy is whipped! At the sight of her snaggle tooth, he gives her the covetous rose.

They walk over to a theatre, and he surprises her with something way too intimate and cheesebally for a first date: home videos of the two of them when they were both babies. The two laugh when they see Ben’s baby bum—before it had hair—but when Ben sees and hears his father, he gets teary-eyed. To distract and cheer him up, Chris Harrison pops up a row behind them and whisper screams to Kacie to get-tuh twirlin’!

Performances That Deserve the Slow Clap
Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nikki, and Jaclyn are summoned on a group date with Ben-ji-licious.

To show that he’s ready to copulate and be a good-natured family man, Ben forces the girls to perform with him in a play written by the local elementary and middle school kids. The lil playwrights get the ladies to audition and ask them to do really unsexy things like snort like a piggie, sneer like a weasel, and act like a knuckle-dragging orangutan.

Once the ladies hop into their ginormous animal costumes, locals enter the theatre to watch the performance, aptly entitled “Prince Pinot of Bachelorville.” In the middle of the play, Ben strips off his sheep costume to show his man breasts and six pack, and everyone—especially the husbands—scream with delight!

In the evening, Ben brings the gang back to their Sonoma mansion to drink, eat, and tittle-tattle, but the gals waste no time in vying for the rose! Blakeley vocalizes how much she wants it and puts enough white powder underneath her eyes to scare the girls so she can steal Ben for a spell! She takes him to the swimming pool, and they lasciviously exchange saliva: It becomes the ultimate skyscraper-to-skyscraper toothed showdown!

The rest of the ladies snarl in disgust and call Blakeley “Fakely Blakeley,” but apparently, Ben and Ben Jr. are believers! To the ladies’ horror, Ben hands Blakeley the rose!

Strike a Pose…More Like Strike a Poser
Right after Courtney unnerves some of the ladies with her underhanded I’m-hotter-than-you comments, Ben zooms off with her to the redwood forests for his second individual date.

But he’s not alone! He brings his Jack Russell Terrier named Scotch. As the trio walk through the forests, Scotch attempts to sniff Courtney’s crotch to see if she’s worthy of his master, but she’s too tall…and he’s too short. Nonetheless, he howls for help as he senses this chick’s a bad apple.

In the evening, the couple wade through Children of the Corn crops and arrive at a beautiful dinner setting. Ben delves into his yawn-worthy past, while she poses and eats her bottom lip. When he asks what her baggage is, she tells him something generic about not finding the right lover, along with being picky and having trust issues. They kiss, and she leaves her eyes open (sign of a maneater). After much smooching, Ben’s package pulsates with passion, and he gives her the rose. “Courtney does make me think big cajones big picture,” he says.

As they continue kissing on a tree swing, Chris Harrison can be seen from a distance going ballistic as Scotch is tearing up his J. Crew pants…

Nobody Puts Blakeley in a Corner (Sike!)
Cocktail party time! Samantha, who wishes she could shove Blakeley in horse manure, tries to get one-on-one time with Ben, but Blakeley starts the night off on the wrong boob (again) by stealing him away from her! Infuriated, Sammy stomps back down to the party and incites another Blakeley verbal smackdown among the women. But the hatin’ is just getting warmed up! The ladies’ get their thongs up in a bunch when they see the aggressive cocktail waitress repeatedly stealing Ben from other girls throughout the night!

While a tornado of doom encircles her, Ben grabs Jenna to examine the level of Fatal Attraction he’s dealing with…and his discovery makes him flare his sizable nostrils like excitable butterfly wings! As he lets her speak, all Jenna can manage to say is that she’s a lot like a man. Before she can change the transgender subject to livelier revelations—like she’s Alanis Morrisette’s long-lost twin sister—Mallard Duck Jaclyn steals Ben from her! Jenna walks straight into a bedroom, wraps herself under a Martha Stewart blanket, and chokes on her gushing tears.

Because the girls refuse to stop cursing Blakeley, the tall brunette quietly takes off into a room full of suitcases and squats in a corner pretending to cry…only, the cameramen know what she’s really doing: To cope with her anger, she’s secretly playing Angry Birds on her smartphone.

To his surprise, Ben discovers the drama and finds Blakeley in the corner. She quickly slips her phone in between her bazookas and pretends to look hurt and traumatized.

Rosebuds
And the remaining roses go to: Jennifer, Emily, Elise, Jaclyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Kasey S., Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Brittney.

As for the diaries of the departed? The notable Jenna walks up to the camera and sobs and hugs herself…the show’s psychologist sets his team in motion to charge at her with a strait jacket if she begins to shake her head and pull out her over-processed hair.

Highlights From Next Episode
San Fran! Brittney’s big announcement! Mystery ex-gf resurrects to mess with the ladies’ heads! A non-important contestant faints!

Wanna hear more? “Like” me on Facebook to follow my TV coverage!

ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Hair fetishists, lesbians, and Grandma Sheryls everywhere were overjoyed when the season premiere of the “Bachelor” finally arrived last night.

Looking perfectly coiffed and reserved, Ben was introduced to his 25 potential juicy lollipops and discovered that even in the show’s 16th season, there were still a few surprises up the producers and the contestants’ sleeves—namely in the form of a senior citizen, a grand My Little Pony entrance, two “lesbian cream puffs,” and a PhD student who tapped into her inner 50 cent.

But while the novelties piqued our interest (and then made us swallow our barf seconds later), the conventional contestant stereotypes dominated more than all the weaves, spray tans, and teeth whitening systems you could imagine combined!

Check out how Ben-bo recovered post-Ashley and laugh your heinys off at the old and new contestant categories we uncovered:

The Grapes of Wrath
After Ben gets the emotional beat down from bang-pulling Ashley in Fiji, he decides to flee to his beloved San Fran to focus his wounded angry heart on producing superior polyphenols, letting Jennifer Love Hewitt drool over him to boost his ego, and to work on his tan and medium-sized biceps.

As his lovely montage commences, we discover his ardent love for multi-colored plaid shirts and not smiling for the camera, as well as the shocking reality that his forehead is smaller than we remembered.

And now we turn over to the ladies….

The Conventional Types
Category Hillbilly: There’s usually some country in the bunch, but Amber T. takes it to another level of podunk. She not only rifles it up in Nebraska but is determined to get Ben to eat cow testicles with her. We hope Benji  is in the habit of carrying Tabasco in his man purse.

Category Cray-Cray: Move over Michelle Kujawa and Slim Fast Melissa Schreiber, Jenna the Blogger is in da mansion! “The Overanalyst” wastes no time in expressing her emo instability and paranoia to Ben, and quickly finds an arch enemy in Monica, who is a questionable lesbianiac Peg Bundy look-alike.

Category Divorcée: Texas Nicki fits the naive peppy wittle girl who gets married at a super young age, gets divorced, thinks it’s a big deal in revealing it, and is looking to have another wedding of her dreams! Yeehaww! Sucker for love!

Category She-Man: Interesting and full of zest, Lyndsie J. is an international, cultured lady who likes to wear kimonos and show off her multi-lingual capabilities. Unfortunately, she looks like a dude…and her butt chin doesn’t help her chances. But we give her a thumbs up for her spirit and her British accent!

Category Narcissist: Courtney the Model knows she’s gorge but doesn’t realize her ego and her incessant need to tilt her head to the side as if posing bring her down a few notches…but Ben and his package are entranced..for the time being.

Category Single Mom: And you wonder where this story is gonna go. Shawn is a single mom and will keep her kid a secret for the time being. Once she makes the big reveal to Ben, we figure he’ll most likely reject her—judging the fact that single mommies don’t fare well on this show, and Benji’s gravitating toward the brunettes anyway. Plus, he just doesn’t seem like he’s looking for complicated love. The end.

Notable New Types
Category Gotcha(!): Out of desperation to toss in a surprise (and perhaps having received secret payments from Poligrip ad execs), producers mislead us to believe 72-year-old granny Sheryl wants Ben’s young, virile cajones. But nope—GOTCHA, girlfriends! She’s actually there on behalf of her hamster-cheeked granddaughter Brittney.

Category Nerd-Gangsta Rapper: Although Ben-jina looks on awkwardly as epidemiologist Emily squeezes hand sanitizer in her hands to greet her potential sperm donor, she redeems herself (slightly) when she raps about her PhD studies on diseases, vitamins, quarantine, and cleanliness. We give her bonus points for offering hand movements with lots of flava.

Category Neigh-Neigh: Equestrian Lindzi C. rides in as the final girl—on a horse, of course! Avoiding the animal’s behind just in case of hay plops, Ben quickly brings his lady down to the cobblestone and the two embrace. He secretly forgives her for smelling like her four-legged friend.

Category (Faux?) Bi or Lesbian: Maybe it’s just an act, but Monica puts the moves on Blakeley, and the two are coined “lesbian cream puffs.” Me thinks it’s just another ploy of the producers to spice things up this season. Womp womp.

Quote of the Night
“I love grandmas.” – Ben

Ben’s Degradation
Once the cocktail party’s in full swing, the ladies compromise Ben’s integrity in the following ways: They force him to wear floral Kentucky derby hats, play soccer, do manic push-ups, and pummel his mouth with candy while blindfolded. He voluntarily joins in on a honky-tonk dance with them but only because it gives him an opportunity to check out any potential dragon feet.

Crazy, Meet “Lesbian”
Jenna has beef with free-wheeling Monica, who apparently likes to mess with the nervous, crazy types. The blogger aggressively confronts the hearty blond on why she’s there if she claims she’s not into Ben. Monica cackles in her face and then shortly thereafter cuddles with skyscraper-toothed Blakeley. The two “lovers” lay on the couch in their pageant dresses, and Monica proceeds to whisper sweet-nothings in Blakeley’s ear. “You are in my life forever…you’re beautiful…and you know that,” she coos.

Later on, Jenna confronts Monica again and demands to know why the blond doesn’t like her. “I don’t know you,” Monica says with a mocking smile. She continues: “Don’t make it something that it’s not…you’re a girl, you’re here. We’re on the same terms.”

But instead of chillaxing, Jenna ups the ante by going Tampax on her. “Yeah, maybe we can share a tampon some time,” she bites back. Astounded by her remark, Monica chuckles and simply walks away. Jenna cries and runs to the bathroom to have a massive freak-fest meltdown. Before she gets there, Chris Harrison dives in like an invisible ninja and removes all the razor blades from the medicine cabinet…

First Impression Rose Goes to…
Horse-lady Lindzi C. for her memorable entrance and her genuine good-natured self. Gravel voices are kinda cool.

Best Effort of the Night
Trying his darndest not to behave like his sappy, earnest Bachelor predecessors, Ben wins a Pabst Blue Ribbon for going the anti-cheeseball route. But he still reminds us of the Geico Caveman…and he totally acts like he’s a Canuck.

And the Roses Go to:
Jamie, Rachel, Blakeley, Emily, Kacie B., Casey S., Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elise, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica, and Jenna(?!).

Highlights From This Season
Mountains! Beaches! Molesting sharks! Frenching! Stripper straddling! Girl fights! Mystery ex-gf walks in with killer Stair Climber legs! Mega perms! Buck-naked swimming! Panic attacks in pageant gowns! A girl having second thoughts?!

If you’re enjoying my “Bachelor” coverage and would like to follow my other musings, please feel free to like my new Facebook page!

ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Since ABC offered a “Bachelor Updates” special, America politely waited to hear Emily Maynard spill the deets on why her and Bradonka-donk Womack’s fairytale romance zapped off into reality TV oblivion. But after host Chris Harrison ended his 20-minute interview with the sniffling single mama, the only thing that we were able to take away is this: We have enough close up shots of the Southern Doll’s creamy foundation, Geena Davis-like overbite, and non-existent tears to last us a lifetime. Oh, and we’re still waiting for that personality to show up. The rest is lost on us.

“I’ll always be in love with Brad,” the 25-year-old confessed to an unfazed albeit sweaty Chris Harrison. “Not a day will go by that I don’t regret how things have turned out and wished things were different.”

Trembling with heartbreak throughout her conversation but never managing to shed a tear, Emily added that she’d never say anything bad about the 39-year-old “gentleman” and that he’d always be part of her life.

“I realized that maybe my ‘want’ for it to work out…overshadowed the actual reality of the relationship,” she said. “I didn’t doubt that we loved each other; I just doubted he was still going to want to be with me.”

Describing the split as her “worst nightmare” and “heartbreaking,” Emily also admitted no one was as disappointed as her. Apparently, the veteran love host sitting across from her felt pretty let down, too.

“I believed Brad and Emily would work,” Chris recently told People. “I knew the interview was going to be very difficult for her and for me.”

He continued: “I want people to know she was very reluctant to come on. Because of all of the media attention, all the tabloids, all the paparazzi and this insatiable appetite for information on the relationship, she kind of bit the bullet and was the one to step forward, and it was incredibly brave of her to speak up all by herself.”

Ah yes, to add to the many unanswered topics, Bradilda was nowhere to be found, but according to Emmie-cakes, he gave her his blessing.

So how does the Northy Cackeylackian want to move forward now that she’s gotten all that ambiguity off of her chest and left it on us to ponder? She says she wants to focus on being a mom.

Pardon us for saying, but isn’t her focus on becoming the next Bachelorette?

ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Although “Bachelor” Brad Womack and Emily Maynard told the world on Monday night’s “After the Final Rose” show that they’re committed to making their “roller coaster” of a relationship work, tabloid rumors are already swirling that the two have gone Splitsville.

“Emily is not able to forgive Brad for what she considers cheating week-after-week with other girls,” an insider producer told PopEater. “It’s always hard sending the couple back into reality after they have been living in paradise, but no one in the history of the show has had as hard a time adjusting as Emily. After we taped the ‘After the Rose,’ it was clear to everyone that this one was not going to work.”

However, host Chris Harrison begged to differ. Chatting on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on Tuesday, he kept things real. “It’s been extremely hard,” he said. “They’ve had some knock down, drag out fights.”

But, he insisted that “they are doing as good as they ever have. They are extremely happy. The good thing is they are really trying to make it work.”

On a conference call with reporters a few hours later, Chris was a little more blunt (and actually, a bit teed off, if you ask us), stating that the tabloids were printing “BS” by running trashy cover stories using grossly unreliable sources just to help their failing magazines sales. Ouch, Chris, that’ll hurt ‘em.

As for the recessive-gene’d couple? They’re purposely avoiding the limelight, although they did release a short statement with Braddy-cakes speaking on their behalf:

“At long last, Emily and I can be open to the world and each other about our relationship.  Though we are madly in love, it has been a bumpy couple of months for us and our priority right now is to focus on our relationship. We hope that you can respect our privacy as we return to normalcy and begin our off-screen lives together.”

Our two words of advice: Couples therapy.

ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Mattel collectors all around America rejoice! Barbie and Ken have united on ABC! Following his Southern roots right down to his achy breaky heart, “Bachelor” Brad Womack took “a leap of faith” Monday tonight and proposed to 24-year-old North Cackey-lackian Emily Maynard! “Shut up!” you say in disbelief. We will—because we’re flippin’ speechless!

“You’re the one, Em,” he declared standing at the podium of love amid the breathtaking oceanic backdrop of Cape Town, South Africa. “You’re my once-in-a-lifetime. Please give me your forever.”

And that she did. Dressed in a champagne-hued gown, Emily accepted the Neil Lane sparkly, and the two lovingly embraced with tears in their eyes.

Speaking of tears, it seems “first runner-up” (our nice way of saying reject), Chantal O’Brien might not be shedding as many these days. While being interviewed by Chris Harrison on Monday’s “After The Final Rose,” Chantal confessed she found her dream guy after returning from “The Bachelor,” and the two are “very happy” together.

But unlike Chantal’s happy ending, Brad and Emily surprised everyone by revealing their love story hasn’t been all roses. On “ATFR” Brad told Chris that their relationship has been a “roller coaster” since the show ended and that the blond lovebirds actually took some time apart at one point. However, he reassured the gasping audience that the engagement is back on like Donkey Kong and that he’s more in love with Emily than he’s ever been.

As for the Southern Belle, besides the issues of dealing with her fiancee’s bad temper and the excruciating Monday nights when she had to watch him passionately make out with other girls, she revealed another huge gripe. “If he fell in love [with me] pretty early, there should be some things that were saved for just me,” she told Chris, seemingly alluding to Brad’s romp-arounds on the fantasy suite dates.

Regardless of their problems, the couple declared that they’re still madly in love with each other and that their wedding is still absolutely happening…just not now.

As we try to collect the pieces of brain that have splattered all over our HD flatscreens from last night’s season finale of “The Bachie,” here are some bulleted highlights for your literary pleasure:

• We are sad to report that with the ending of Braddy-cakes’ season, we will no longer be able to take bets on how many times he can manage to say “My God!” and “No doubt about it, buddy” in one single eppy.

• With a V-shaped vein throbbing out of his forehead, Brad breaks down in immense, heaving ugly cries at the sight of his mom, twin bro (yummay!), younger bro (aww, poor guy), and sisters-in-law in South Africa. He even flees to the balcony!

• Looking plushy as ever, Chantal O. meets the fam and impresses them with her usual confident, spirited self. However, we were too busy measuring the girth of her arms to tell you the details of their convo, but everyone seemed to be happy.

• In preparation for Emily’s meeting with the Texan clan, the producers make a huge pot of coffee to prevent anyone from zonking out from her somber demeanor. However, she steals their hearts when she reveals her tragic love story and the crumb snatcher it produced. Extra bonus points ensue when Brad-dilda’s quintessentially styled Southern mama—dressed in animal print and donning French manicured nails—joins her son in the ugly-cry fest at hearing Emmy call him “her angel.”

• Before rejecting her and committing to his new life of ennui and predictability with Em, he takes Chantal on one last date, swimming with the sharkies! As they scream underwater at the sight of Jaws swishing a few inches away from them in their shark cage, Chris Harrison whisper-screams at his interns up on deck to break the lock of the cage so that their sharp-toothed friend could nuzzle up to his admirers. Unfortunately, his interns push the wrong button, and the unknowing couple get safely pulled back.

• Sporting the cowboy boot look (that really should’ve gone away three years ago) Emmy meets up with Brad-gelina for their last date, and they take a helicopter ride to the Cape of Good Hope. Once there, she repeatedly asks if he’s really ready to be a Brad-Dad, and he avoids answering her by digging his elongated big toes into his flip flops.

• In the evening, He-Man pours his heart out and tells Em he’s ready to be a father to her little diva child, but she squashes his Southern pride by questioning him and hammering in the tough reality of child rearing. Imploding in rage, he starts sweating like a piggie. “My head absolutely sabotages my heart,” Em says with regret as he walks away in defeat.

• “Today is the day; it’s going to be a fairy tale ending,” declares Chantal as she struts to the podium of love. One minute later, Brad tells her she’s not delish enough for his liking and walks her back to the limo of rejection. She unleashes her signature Niagara Falls.

• After reciting the cheesiest lines that we would’ve imagined only Jake Pavelka was capable of, Brad-Diddy gets on one knee and proposes to his young Dolly Parton. With hardly a tear in her eye (because she expected to win this whole time), Em kisses him and accepts the expensive ring that he didn’t pay a dime for. “You’ve made me really really happy,” she says in her monotone voice.

Well, that about does it for this season’s most Ambien-filled installment of “The Bachelor!” Stay tuned for the geriatric revival on May 23rd as Ashley Hebert sashays in as the new “Bachelorette!”

Ya’ll come back, ya hear?!

ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

It’s about that time again, “Bachelor” fanatics! This coming Monday on ABC (8/7c) Brad Womack must choose which lady he’ll run away from first he’ll be walking down that honky-tonk aisle with in Texas—will it be Chantal ‘Munchy Munch’ O’Brien or Emily ‘Dolly Parton’ Maynard?

We weigh the pros and cons of each lovely lady:

CHANTAL O.
Pros
- She’s a sassy-cake. Not as abrasive as Michelle Money—although she was the infamous slapper—she’s got just enough spunk that’ll keep Brad-dubious interested.
- At 28 she’s “only” a decade younger than Brad. Hopefully, that translates into a little bit more maturity. (Remember Em is only 24.)
- Brad likes her family. Out of all the families, Woe-Is-Me-Womack seemed to mesh the best with Chantal’s fam and the fact that he and her self-made millionaire pops have similar backgrounds (i.e. bad daddy issues) was icing on the cake.
- She’s open. She took the chance and told the emotionally insecure He-Man that she loved him. For a man who’s normally, as Brad puts it, “a closed-off individual,” her communicativeness will make their budding relationship much easier to deal with.
- She doesn’t have a traumatic love life nor does she have a child. If deep down inside Brad just wants to produce and raise his own genetic code of ankle biters, then she’s the better choice.
- She comes from money, money, money, money! Brad can get arrested as many times as he wants now! His sugar mama will pay his way outta the clink! Someone better get a pre-nup…

Cons
- She’s an emotional roller coaster. We’ve seen the tears and her fussy fusses, and neither we nor Brad want to deal with her hormonal tantrums! Waaah!
- She’s an emotional muncher. Let’s just keep it real: Girlfriend suddenly made us scratch our heads when it was evident that she was downing some extra ding dongs. She better be careful—looking at Brad and his muscular man boobs, he doesn’t look like the type who would tolerate a woman letting herself go.

EMILY M.
Pros
- She’s a real-life Barbie. And since Brad looks like a Ken Doll, they’d be the perfect Mattel duo!
- She’s classy. Her quiet confidence might give stability to Brad’s inner wild-child.
- She’s got a kid. Brad said he always wanted kids and seemed to take to ‘lil Ricki well. If he wanted a family unit asap, he’d already have one with Em.

Cons
- She can be a total robot. It’s hard to read someone who’s only emotional response to anything is “Shut up!”
- She’s got a kid. Having a five-year-old might prove too much for a man who’s still trying to find his inner Oprah.
- She’s got a traumatic past love life. The fact that Em’s one and only soul mate died is crazy-hard to compete with, and Brad-dilda knows he’ll be compared to him forevahhhh!
- She’s so sweet it’s pretty dang boring. Her gentle spirit might not be challenging enough for the Take ‘em Down Texan.
- She’s super young. At 24, she’s one of the youngest contestants to be on this season. The 14-year difference between her and Brad might not seem obvious now, but once the cameras turn off, it might be another story. Some say age is just a number, but come on, people! It’s 14 stinkin’ years we’re talking about here!

Our pick: Chantal O.! She’s got the right combo of personality, spunk, and great family that’ll balance out B-Diddy! (And we know she’ll slap him silly if he falls outta line! Yeehaw!)

The season finale of the “Bachelor” airs Monday on ABC at 8/7c.

ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Monday’s “Bachelor: Women Tell All” special was full of tears and unspeakable tan jobs! There was headache-inducing anger (mostly towards Maniacal Michelle), less closure, and unresolved questions that left gaping holes in the ladies’ embittered Grinch hearts. But one thing was for sure – no other host worked his hair like Chris Harrison last night. And for that, we worship him and his pomade forever more…

Check out the firestorm and the fire starters right here:

Of Mice and One She-Man
No one knew why the casting directors had made such an unconscionable decision to mix extreme levels of estrogen (Melissa) and testosterone (Raichel) under one roof, and from the WTF coverage on last night’s show, it looks like, unfortunately, we never will…

Acting a little calmer because she decided to indulge in a Slim Fast shake instead of eating her usual crackers and water, Melissa takes the hot seat to act like the victim—again. “I genuinely do not feel I initiated any conflict whatsoever,” she says as a tuft of her hair quietly falls to the ground.

Enraged at hearing this, Raichel guzzles down her ‘roid shake and interjects. “You were poisonous, you were toxic, you were frantic, you were frazzled, and you were freaking everyone out, and you ruined my chances with the Bachelor!” she exclaimed, cracking her bulging knuckles as a warning to her neurotic nemesis.

Because dorky people feel empowered in a room where they feel safe, Jackie confidently jumps into the catfight. “It’s your fault!” she screams at Raichel. “Brad didn’t want to be with you because you acted a fool (and because your calves are bigger than his)!”

Applause! Applause! One point for nerds everywhere!

Getting a Taste of Her Own Medicine
Before Michelle can bat an evil fake eyelash, the girls jump on her like a gang initiation gone wild! One contestant calls her “two-faced,” another says her “true colors came out,” and Jackie gets a bad case of arachnophobia, equating the Mean Girl to a spider because she’s “creepy and everybody’s afraid of you.”

Surprisingly, instead of getting rabid apes to attack the angry ladies, Michelle goes into deep convulsions! And no, it’s not an exorcism (good guess!)—rather, it’s a downpour of tears!

“I was here for the right reasons! I left my daughter! I’m easily misunderstood!” Michelle peeps out amid her nose-swelling and ugly cries. Chris comforts her, but Stacey—the Massachusetts bartender with the bad schnoz job—jumps in to toss salt into her already vulnerable, open wounds by implying she’s a bad mother! Chris tells the ladies to chillax, but because she’s gone deaf (as is apparent by her scream-talking throughout the show), Jackie slips in a “You’re shady!” comment to Michelle. Suddenly, the hair stylist goes into a seizure, filled with goobery sorrow. She-Devils sometimes needs Kleenex, too.

Who’s That Girl?
Having puffed her face with a pound of bronzer and dunking her hair in dark bacon grease, Ashley H. manages to look eligible for Social Security bennies. She hops into the hot seat and admits feeling so much regret for being so insecure and wasting Braddy Cat’s time! Waaah!

“I hate to break it to you, but you were in love,” declares Chris with great satisfaction, as he watches Ash wince in pain.

Score!
After Brad pops out and acts boringly gracious and complimentary to all the lady losers in the room, he and Chris giggle and squeal as they show us that “The Bachelor” franchise isn’t just about contestants exchanging venereal diseases in front of millions of people, but it’s also about philanthropy. A montage reveals the two donating hot water to a needy South African preschool and Chris making some of the lil’ tykes cry as he viciously steals the ball in what is supposed to be an innocent game of soccer.

Trying to quickly change the subject and end things on a high note, Chris asks Brad how he feels about his secret lover. “I fall more and more in love with her every day, buddy,” Bradzilla says as his face swells up with emotion…and from eating too many salty pistachios in the green room.

“Well, we ain’t doing this again,” Chris jokes with a kind smile on his face. Thinking they’ve gone to commercial break, he angrily snaps his fingers and a stylist tumbles onto the stage and fluffs his hair.

Next Week on the Season Finale of “The Bachelor”:
Heart attack! Shark attack! Will the lucky girl be She-Eats-A-Lot-Lately Chantal O. or the Young Dolly Parton Emmy-Em?!

ABC

This interview can also be found on Fancast.com.

On last Monday’s episode of “The Bachelor,” the communication between Brad Womack and Ashley Hebert got lost in the jungles of South Africa, and he regretfully gave her the boot. It seemed clearer—at least to him—that the the two’s life goals were figuratively and literally miles a part: He was all about running business in Austin, and she was about running drills in people’s teeth—somewhere other than Austin.

The ambitious 26-year-old dental student from Philly talks about her regrets, how she feels about Brad taking her out of the running, and how her next man better take care of his teeth.

Do you respect Brad for not putting you through the rose ceremony?
Oh absolutely, yes. I have a whole new respect for him. I left really heartbroken, but after seeing that, I think it kind of helped me put a little bit of closure and solidified what kind of relationship we had, which was one that was full of respect and mutual admiration.

Considering your 12-year age difference, do you think you and Brad were just in different places in life?
I think there was a lot of miscommunication between Brad and I. I’m certainly at an age where I feel like I am ready to settle down, and I am ready to, you know, kind of enjoy the finer things in life. But I really think it was a lack of communication. I have to admit that throughout the whole process, I went into it not really expecting to feel as strongly as I did, and I think I guarded myself. So I definitely learned a lot from that and hope I can move forward and not make that mistake again.

When the cameras turned off, what did you guys discuss during the fantasy date night?
Oh gosh. Brad and I talked about a lot of things. I feel like we should have talked about the important questions that we touched upon at dinner, but we just continued on with a really fun, light relationship, and I think that’s where things went wrong. We had the opportunity to kind of talk about the more serious things…we both opted to take the light route again. I didn’t answer all the questions like he needed. He didn’t answer all the questions that I had, so I think in the end, we ran out of time and that night was just the demise of our relationship.

When Brad told you he believed you’d be in the final two before your bad date in South Africa, did that make you feel better or worse?
Ugh, it absolutely made me feel worse. When I left, the one question I had was, Will he regret this? Is it something that he thought twice about, or is this that he’s really confident? So to hear him say that he thought from the beginning that I was going to be one of the two people, it confirmed what we had in my mind, and it made it harder to live with the regret of being so closed off. It was definitely a lot harder to hear that.

Do you think it would’ve mattered if your date came before Emily’s?
You know, I actually do. I think that since I was directly after Emily, he was done for. I think that he fell for her. He knew what was going to happen, and I think part of the downfall of that date had to do with him falling in love with her directly, right before. So I do think it played a role, but then again, I think he had stronger feelings for both Chantal and Emily, stronger than what he felt for me. So I don’t know if it would have changed the end result, but I certainly think the quality of our date would have been a little bit better.

Who do you think is the best match for Brad?
It changes from week to week. I thought Chantal O. until last episode, and now I’m a little bit more apt to say that he’s falling in love with Emily. So in terms of what I think Brad wants out of life and in a relationship, I think Emily’s probably a better match, but I love him and Chantal together. I love the way they complement each other well, and they bring out kind of like this playfulness that I really like to see.

In a nutshell, what exactly do you think wasn’t working in your relationship with Brad?
I say this in the most respectful way: I think Brad was really looking for somebody to fit into his life in Austin and kind of like not skip a beat. And for me, I think I’m looking for somebody to create a life with. I’m not looking for anyone to fit into my life; I want to start a new life with somebody. And I want them to be open and open to trying a new location and a little bit more. Look, I’m still young. I’m looking for a little bit of excitement, and I think for him, he’s been through everything that he’s been through, and he wants to just settle into his life and I want to settle up into mine.

Do you regret not saying the L-word to him?
I’ll tell you this: When I was there, I personally didn’t feel like I was ready to say I love you. I think love means so many different things to so many different people, and I just couldn’t say that I was in love with him…I think I was falling in love with him, but I couldn’t say it to him. I don’t know if it was because I was guarded, but what I can say is that when I got home, I realized that I did love him. But at that point, it was too late. What was done was done; what was said was not that.

Would you consider being the next “Bachelorette” or go on “Bachelor Pad”?
I don’t think I would be as happy about “Bachelor Pad,” but if they asked me to do the “Bachelorette,” I would definitely consider it. I feel like the process worked for me once, and I would be so excited to do it.

Turning to your promising career as a dentist, are good teeth a requirement for someone you’re dating?
You know what? I like good teeth, but I don’t like perfect teeth. I like something that’s a little bit off, so like a little bit of a rotation here, maybe a little bit of a chip here. I don’t like perfection, but there has to be good oral hygiene. That’s my only requirement.

Catch “The Bachelor’s” Women Tell All show this Monday on ABC at 8/7c.