ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Now that Ali Fedotowsky is playing house and thinking of yellow-themed nuptials with Roberto Martinez, the hunt for the next reality TV dating victim ‘Bachelor’ is on—or maybe we should re-phrase: The hunt to get Chris Lambton to be the next ‘Bachelor’ is on!

But according to inside sources via E! Online, this feat might be wicked hahhd(!) since Lambton has already turned the offer down! “All of our best Bachelors have been hesitant at first,” says a source of the show.

As you’ve probably already guessed, the down-to-earth 33-year-old isn’t crazy about returning to the limelight because he’s all about resuming a “normal life.” However, because producers really think Chris is The One, “they’re hoping they can convince him…This definitely isn’t dead yet,” reveals another source.

Not sure about you guys, but since we’re not completely sold on Mr. Hunky being the next Bach-o, we thought it’d be wise to make a list of pros and cons to sift through our tormented, indecisive feelings.

Here’s what we came up with:

Pros
- He’s what you’d want a Bachelor to be: easy on the eyes, sensitive, level-headed, intelligent—and he loves dogs! Meow.
- He’s got a loving, caring fam.
- He already has a huge following of salivating ladies cheering on his every move.
- He’s the opposite of Jake Pavelka—which means he doesn’t seem to be harboring ulterior motives to play opposite Chuck Norris.
- An ABC wardrobe consultant could finally teach him that wearing Nikes on every occasion is a degradation of the highest fashion order.

Cons
- Hate to say it, but he’s a bit camera shy (Real Translation: The dude’s boring). And how is that good for reality TV?
- He’s married to his family and yaps way too much about them. Not only could that prove to be uncomfortable for the ladies he’s courting, but it also compels some of us viewers to hit the bottle more often than we should.
- He might be way too sensitive for this and decide to marry several of the women just to make sure their feelings aren’t hurt.
- Although he seems like a good guy and fans love him now, there’s room for all that to turn against him once the lonesome ladies at home watch him make potentially dumb choices, let alone make out with a dozen or more bachelorettes.
- What if he keeps looking for rainbows?

Do you want to see Chris back on the tube getting his flirt on? Got any additional items for the lists?

Marc Royce

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Amid televised break-ups, scandals, and unrelenting tabloid gossip, you’d think that almost everyone within the ‘Bachelor’ family would remain single and spawnless forever. Well, okay, that might still be true, but in this case, not so! Drum roll…Former ‘Bachelor’ contestant Melissa Rycroft is preggies!

“It’s the most wonderful surprise in the world,” tells Rycroft to US Weekly. “It’s such a blessing.”

The co-host of the upcoming ‘Bachelor Pad’ says she was initially “in shock” because she and hubby Tye Strickland “weren’t even trying.” But now that reality has set in, the 27-year-old TV personality—who was infamously dumped by ‘Bachelor’ Jason Mesnick last year but then went onto being a fan favorite on ‘Dancing With the Stars’—claims she’s “eating everything in sight” and hopes to have a boy, while daddy-to-be is aiming for a girl.

“Knowing me, I’m going to swell and gain 90 pounds. But it’s not about me anymore!” she says.

Baby Rycroft-Strickland is due in February.

ABC

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Kirk DeWindt may have gotten the shaft from Ali Fedotowsky on ‘The Bachelorette,’ but by the time he interviewed with reporters two weeks ago, the Midwestern blondie was ready to get back in the saddle again. “I’m single and I am now exploring the dating world. It’s flattering: I had a good response and when I’m out and about, people are great. But I’m excited to get back out there, to be honest with you,” he said.

Have you blinked yet? POOF! Kirk has apparently wasted no time at all, as he’s now dating Ali’s former ‘Bachelor’ contestant rival, Jessie Sulidis, who’ll be starring in the upcoming spinoff ‘Bachelor Pad,’ People reports.

You may recognize Jessie from her guest appearance this season as the rat-sniffing sleuth who revealed Justin ‘Rated R’ Rego’s two-timing ways to Ali. (Guess she also knows how to sniff-out former mold spore victims, too)…

“[Kirk and Jessie] met at the ‘Men Tell All’ then went to the afterparty and exchanged numbers — and a kiss,” says an anonymous source. And the Nordic King is said to be going that extra mile for the mousey brunette. “He’s driving up to Canada this weekend to see her so they can get to know each other. Everything is hush-hush right now because they don’t know what will come of it. But he is definitely over Ali!”

High-fives to Kirk and Jessie if they find transnational love. We just hope that she knows about the dead frozen zoo her new beau grew up with.

ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Straight men of America: Have no fear of your turtlenecks! According to ‘Bachelorette’ Ali Fedotowsky, they don’t take away from your love for the ladies…well, at least in ‘Bachelor’ Jake Pavelka’s case.

“Just because he wears really nice turtleneck sweaters does not mean he’s gay!” exclaimed the 25-year-old when she appeared on ‘Lopez Tonight’ earlier this week.

But we can’t help but wonder: What if he wore a pink turtleneck? Our gaydar will stay in hibernation mode until he wears one, but for those on Team Jake-Is-Gay, they can rest assured that they’ll always have a gazillion internet rumors to back up their suspicions.

Regardless of whatever you (and Vienna Girardi) believe, Miss Fedotowsky has said her peace on the subject and is focusing on more important matters, like which yummy hunny to choose from — Roberto Martinez or Chris Lambton? And no worries for her here: These two straight dudes are just really sensitive by nature.

Since we’ve remained quiet on the subject, for well….oh two weeks, we want to know if you think Ali’s assessment on purty boy Jake is correct. We know you’re dying to talk about it again…

Harrison/Getty

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Now that you’ve angrily yanked out the last tuft of hair on your heads (and therefore, are completely bald) from Monday night’s Jake and Vienna Fight Club, I’m sadistically presenting a cumulative report of what everyone — critics, Chris Harrison, and yes, you, the commenters — have been saying about the odious incident in the hopes that you will now start pulling out your eyelashes.

Actually, this post sends warm greetings to confirm what you’ve all been dying to hear and already know: Vienna is bar none the winner of epic round one of what will probably be a long drawn-out war of the words between Lord and Lady D-bag.

Read it and weep…

Chris Harrison
- “My true hope in conducting this interview, however naïve it seems now, was not to solve or fix this relationship, but to find a bit of closure and stop the nasty back-and-forth that will only flame the tabloid stories and crazy Internet reports. Obviously, that’s not what happened, and I apologize to Jake and Vienna for that. Maybe it was just too soon to have that intimate a conversation. It is my sincere hope that Vienna and Jake will find it in their hearts to bury the hatchet and move on peacefully with their lives, wherever that may take them.” (via his blog on EW.com)

- “Jake’s like, ‘I’m not a fame whore,’ she’s like, ‘I’m not in it for the public,’ I’m like, ‘All right then, put your money where your mouth is. Are you done after this?’ I don’t think either of them are. I think both of them, her to a lesser degree, have enjoyed the fame. They both got caught up in it a little bit and I think they both changed a little bit. That can happen to people, you are pulled out of your normal everyday life you’re thrown onto this national stage, and if you’re not careful you get burned by that flame. When we’re doing an interview and he’s talking about his team and his people and lawyer, I’m like, ‘Listen to what you’re saying, no one talks like that.’” (via TV Guide)

Vienna (a.k.a. Brattina)
- “Thank you for all your support. The truth will always prevail. I’m so glad people see what I have been going through. Love you all.” (via Twitter)

Jake (a.k.a. Pure Evil)
- “Thanks everybody! I really appreciate the ongoing support.” (via Twitter)

The Critics
- “At first, it seemed like Jake was the good guy — his girlfriend sold their breakup story to a tabloid, he wanted to save their engagement — until Vienna came out to tell her side. And it turned out that they’re both horrible, fame-seeking liars!” (New York Magazine)

- “Again, I can’t say who, if anyone was telling the truth: only they, God and their publicists know that. But Jake definitely came off worse in the interview, if only because of his oily, smug attempts to project a cool demeanor he must have thought would come off well.” (Time Magazine)

- “There have been Jakes & Viennas for many years now. But there is something spectacularly mutated about them, something so pure and awful in their media ambition, that I think we need to, barring any calls for execution because that isn’t proper, put them in jail for the rest of their lives to serve as a lesson to everyone else.” (Gawker)

- “Jake is a joke in the business and last night’s performance has confirmed it. He thinks he’s going to be the next Tom Cruise, where in reality he is already the next Spencer Pratt. Any chance that he might have had of a career in show business is over. He blew it last night. Making a girl cry on national TV isn’t going to get you any work in this town.” (Casting Director via PopEater)

- “In one corner you had Jake and in the other you had Vienna. Neither scored a knockout, but both were badly injured. But Jake definitely came off worse.” (PR expert Kelly Brady via PopEater)

- “All that said, however, if I had to score tonight’s verbal boxing match, I’d have to give the heavyweight famewhoring belt to Vienna. Let me put it this way: I’m not sure if Vienna was ever “here for the right reasons” — as participants of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise are so fond of saying — but at the very least, during tonight’s interview she was able to recount specific anecdotes of her “life” together with Jake, and point to concrete examples of mistakes that he’d made in their “relationship.” (Entertainment Weekly)

Former Contestants and Other Wannabe Celebs
- “He’s very cold-hearted. He is not the same warm person he came off to be. I talked to girls from his season who said the chemistry really wasn’t there. Jake was constantly turning on the smiles for the cameras. He would ham it up for the cameras and then when they weren’t around the girls had nothing to say to him.” (Deanna Papas via Us Magazine)

- “Jake the fake…so nice to see his true colors.” (Former ‘Bachelor’ contestant Ashley Hunt via Us Magazine)

“I don’t believe a word out of his mouth. He looks so guilty…she’s no angel, but she’s telling the truth.” (Bethenny Frankel via Twitter)

“We definitely made out that weekend and Vienna made it very clear that it was over between her and Jake. I never said she cheated. I said we hooked up and she said they were broken up. I would never do that if she was in a relationship. (ABC actor Gregory Michael on clarifying what he actually said about his makeout moment with Vienna via Us Magazine)

Fancast Commenters (all comments below are unedited!)
- “Jake’s weirdo side grin was enough! What a creep! I just hope Hollywood doesn’t acknowledge him, or better yet, I hope all people don’t give him any attention! I’m glad Vienna did what she did. Take the money and run as far away from him as you can! This will be the last time I talk about Jake the pilot, I mean Jake the psycho!!!!!!!! (Liz)

- “Jake was arrogant, robotic, smug, and not at all believable. Respect needs to be earned Flakey – and with you in your 30s, you should know that. I would have walked months ago but then, I am not 24. I give Vienna credit for hanging in there as long as she did. Vienna should be thanking her lucky stars she got out in one piece. That guy is a true piece of work and needs mental help. Vienna is just young and she will learn. Jake is NEVER going to learn because he believes he is perfect. I think he is a perfect moron.” (Deb)

- “I agree with most of the posters here…Jake is a giant Douche Bag, phony, control freak liar. I actually felt sorry for Vienna and believed everything she said. He could not even handle her using a GPS for Gods sake. What an insecure little punk!” (KristineInJersey)

- “I think jake is right.. i dont agree 100% with his snapping out.. but any guy who has been with a nut job such as vienna would understand what he went through. Just because she talked and cried does not mean she is right. It could all be an act.” (Michael)

- “JAKE-A Legend in his own mind!!!!” (kaye37)

- “Although I found both to be a wee bit on the moronic side, I half to go with Jake (with resevations). I found it completly annoying that Vienna was ALWAYS interrupting Jake. That and the complete drama queen rant at the end made me feel a bit on Jakes side.” (auntieballistic)

- “Who in their right mind would watch these two freaks on TV? Actually, who really cares?” (Larry)

What do you think? Are you on Team Vienna or Team Jake?

ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Jake and Vienna: They (Sure as Hell) Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’
Even Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards would’ve said Daaaamn! at Monday night’s He Said/She said ‘Bachelor Break Up Special’ debacle! But what inquiring minds really wanted to know was: What was up with Jake and Vienna being forced to share that Hobbit-sized couch? Never mind. Tensions were so high, we figured Chris Harrison was about to Krump in Hammer pants just to lighten the mood!

Vienna stole the show not because she was more believable, but rather, she wouldn’t let Fakey Jakey get in a word edgewise, although he did have his share of mean-spirited jabs and one cave man outburst. The She-Man accused him of plenty — of emotional abuse, of being a ‘fame whore,’ and of refusing to bump uglies with her.

“It felt like a relationship when cameras were rolling or we were out on a red carpet, but when we were at home [it was] lonely. I just wanted him to be around me and talk to me and kiss me like a normal relationship,” Vienna said.

Jake, for his part, slammed her for creepin’ around with a no-name ABC actor, continually “undermining” him (she didn’t know what the word meant), selling him out to the tabloids, and throwing tantrums.

“She breaks me down, she undermines me, she’s mean… this is it, right here,” Jake said. He also claimed, “She’s like a tabloid. You get 40 percent of the truth.”

But things got crazy heated when the arguing turned toward more serious subjects like Jake twittering too much, GPS systems being pulled out and thrown, and furniture being moved! And the kicker was when Vienna was about to call the ASPCA on the wannabe actor for demeaning her sickly pooch and sending it back to Florida because of its lack of shart control! Can someone give Jake a “pol-ee-o-graph” test, as Vienna called it, to prove that he’s “the biggest fake liar”?

“I’m so mad at you. I’m disgusted with you,” Jake steamed. “You are a fame whore is what you are,” Vienna threw back.

In the end Vienna ended the outrageous bickering by storming out in tears (because that’s what 10-year-old girls do when they don’t feel like they’re being heard), while Mr. Blondie looked on quietly and generally maintained a Joe Cool demeanor via squinty eyes and thin pursed lips.

“Unfortunately, that’s what one of our arguments looks like,” Jake summed up. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

So here’s the question: Who’s team were you on? (I know, you’re going to say neither, but just play with us for a sec.) And who do you think was more believable? Did Jake’s composure make Vienna’s immature squawking look like the losah?

AP Photo/Matt Sayles

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Now that ‘The Bachelor’s Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi’s I-Hate-You-We’re-Caput-And-You’re-Probably-Gay announcement has transpired, the two star-crossed (and starstruck) lovers have had time to be a bit more strategic on how they might continue torturing us with reasons why their middle school lollipop love went down the Tube. (Considering how this is going, we figure we’ll see them on ‘Judge Judy’ once Jake finishes his 15 on the all-star ‘Bachelor Pad.’)

Here’s the latest-and-the-greatest list of He Said/She Said/Someone Said quotables that will keep you from being productive at work. Take a guess at who’s keeping mum and who’s trying to get naked to help pay the bills…

He Said (via his buddy boys)
- “Jake paid for everything during the relationship. He paid for their apartment, car, credit cards, bills, her flights and travel expenses … Vienna leached off him. Jake rolled out the red carpet in life for Vienna, because, unfortunately, he fell in love–and it has cost him in more ways than one.” (Radar Online)
- “It was not uncommon for Vienna to go into a jealous rage if Jake attracted the attention of a beautiful woman in a room. Why would she feel challenged if she truly thought her fiancé was gay?” (Radar Online)

Our Analysis: The fact that Jakey Boy is keeping mum and not lashing out directly at Madame Googly Eyes is a smart strategy. It makes him seem more dignified than his ex-partner (although that’s not saying much), but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still probably gay and in total denial. Jake, you’re gay, and it’s okay!

She Said
- Jake is a “liar” and a “fame whore.” (US Magazine)
- “I am going to be on the cover of Playboy later this year. ‘The Bachelor’ didn’t pay me a dime, and I ran through my savings living with Jake. I need the money. And I want to do something fun and happy for myself!” (Star Magazine)
- “He goes, ‘Oh, I’m sooo sorry your dog is so spoiled that she can only maintain one relationship at a time. I was just in shock that someone would even say something like that. That was so hurtful.’” (Radar Online)

Our Analysis: Don’t evah come between a Southern bitzatch and her lil bitch (we’re referring to Vienna’s dog, not Jake). It’s not a huge surprise that Miss Pin-up is going after Jake’s character in her spiteful Jungle Girl way. If the tabloids were right about the way she acted in her past relationships, you don’t mess with a girl who’s been cursed with the stalkerazzi gene. All you’ll end up getting is someone desperate for attention — hence, Hooterville and the alleged Playboy ta-ta show.

Someone Said
- “This is the first we’ve heard of Vienna Girardi appearing on the cover of Playboy. We are not in negotiations with her and have not made her an offer.” (Spokesperson for Playboy via ET)
- “I definitely think [Jake] has gay tendencies, not only because of the way he dresses but also because he didn’t want to have sex with a beautiful girl and never really tried with the other girls on the show. Nothing personal, Jake!” (Paul Rosseau from ‘The Bachelorette‘ Season 4 via Radar Online)
- “I think [Jake] has gay potential and definitely gay tendencies.” (Anonymous bachelorette from ‘The Bachelor’ Season 12 via Radar Online)
- “I’m not sure if [Jake] is gay, but it seems he just has no experience with those types of women that are on the show.” (Richard Mathey from ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 4 via Radar Online)
- “I couldn’t tell you if the guy is gay, but I do have one word for you — goober!” (Anonymous bachelor from Jake’s ‘Bachelorette’ season via Radar Online)
“Jake’s a weirdo … I think he’s weird.” (Corrie Adamson (a.k.a. Self-proclaimed Virgin) from Jake’s season via Radar Online)
- “Jake feels Vienna always undermines him and tears him down. They face off about who broke up with whom. Vienna defends herself against allegations of infidelity.” (ABC via People)
- “[Jake and Vienna] acknowledge the love they felt was real. But … their relationship is beyond repair.” (ABC via People)

Our Analysis: Boy, do these people come out of the woodwork to make it known they think Jake’s pretty in pink! Our message: It’s time, Jake. Time to tell the world your favorite color is Rainbow. The tears, the sensitivity, the Leave-It-To-Beaver vernacular, the pastel Eddie Bauer shirts and the occasional ’90s mom jeans you’ve worn all point to the Boy George Club. Don’t drag this out like Ricky Martin. Much love, girlfriend!

Fame is what brought ‘Bachelor’ contestants Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi together, and fame is what tore them apart–or could it have been Jake’s devotion to his two left feet or Vienna’s supposed stalkerazzi tendencies? Who knows? Rumors and allegations are flying like hotcakes, and we don’t which ones to pour the Aunt Jemima on! While their publicist may have asked us to “respect their privacy at this time,” earlier Tuesday morning, it took, oh, just about 15 minutes before the two D-listers began yapping about what made their lust love fizzle.

Here’s a cumulative list of He said/She said/Someone said reasons why their relationship went caput:

He Said
- “I don’t have a comment. I don’t really know what’s going on.” (US Magazine)

- “I’m saddened by the whole thing. Sometimes love just isn’t enough in a relationship.” (TMZ)

- “No matter what happens, Vienna and I will remain friends.” (Us Magazine)

Our Analysis: Fame! I’m gonna live forevah! is the name of the game for Fakey Jakey who wants to look like the good ole boy in search of love when really, he was looking for a few good scripts in Tinseltown. But we were onto him like Tabasco on eggs! You can’t trust a goodie-two-shoes who thinks ‘darn’ is a dirty word and who’s a Chuck Norris thespian.

She Said (and oh, did she evah!)
- “We haven’t been intimate in months now. At first his excuse was that he was fasting. The second excuse was that he didn’t feel like it. And the third excuse was that he said that he felt that I wouldn’t understand that he wants to wait until marriage, even though I told him I’d support him. Then the last excuse was that we fight so much that I push him away. I was like, really — which excuse is it? I literally have been living six months with this guy who won’t be intimate with me!” (Star Magazine)

- “He kisses me only if we’re on a red carpet or if cameras are there. Besides that, I have to ask for a kiss–and if I do he’ll pucker his lips and just peck me. I’m like, that’s how I kiss my grandmother!” (Star Magazine)

- “The accusations of me cheating are completely fabricated. 100% False.” (Vienna’s tweet)

Our Analysis: When you’re dating a homosexual, Vienna darling, you probably won’t get laid as much as you’d like. But we applaud you for your smarts in going to get your hair done at an expensive salon right before you broke it off with your fiancée and holding onto that $50K ring–lack of cash flow in the near future calls for such measures to be taken.

Someone Said
- Vienna was flirtatious and cheated on Jake with ABC Family ‘Greek’ actor Gregory Michael. (‘Bachelor’ show sources)

- “I don’t think [Jake] ever really loved her … I think he picked her because she is a dramatic person and it was good for the ratings. In real life, they never kissed, didn’t have a romantic relationship and he never told her that he loved her.” (Vienna’s stepmom Lisa via TMZ)

- “[Vienna] was kind of stalkerish. She wanted to spend a lot of time with him. Everywhere he would go, she would go. Rehearsals, photo shoots, practice. She was the only significant other there sometimes … it was a little weird.” (‘Dancing With the Stars’ staffer via The Hollywood Gossip)

Our Analysis: We believe it all. The more outlandish the allegation, the truer it probably is. Because in Jake and Vienna’s world, being dishonest about your past, present, and future is the only truth they know, and besides, they’d probably want to go out with a bang! Now if only we can get the two separatists to crash that All-Star reunion show this summer…

You know the drill. Sound off!

But this picture-perfect wedding-to-be–filled with ‘Bachelor’/'Bachelorette’ contestants and even one booted ‘American Idol’ — was made even less ideal with the fickle downpour (a.k.a. tears of the gods) drenching the couple’s outdoor California wedding ceremony AND mind you, that gorgeous Monique Lhuillier dress.

Here are the highlights that’ll inspire you to sign a pre-nup…

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

To convince us of their new blissful life together in Seattle, Molly piggybacks Jason and giggles. Wow. The twosome then goes on to tell us what life’s been like post-Bachelor: how for ten months they’d fly back and forth from Milwaukee to Seattle to keep their nether regions alive and satisfied; how Molly brought femininity to Jason’s already feminine lifestyle; and how the step mom-to-be pretends to get along with Jason’s little son, Ty, by making Betty Crocker brownies secretly laced with poisonous sugar powder–like from that 80s movie, Flowers in the Attic.

Thanks to ABC, we see old clips of them having oodles of fun and even bungee jumping together. BUNGEE JUMPING?! It’s an ‘Ah-ha!’ moment, folks! There’s something about bungee jumping that deludes these contestants to fall in love! (And Jake and Vienna’s coupledom is the ultimate proof in da puddin.)

But before we can scurry off to plan bungee jumping excursions with our Fabios, here comes the old footage we all knew was coming (yawn): Jason breaking up with a teary-eyed Melissa Rycroft!  And then the story of the backlash–haters of Mesnick de Slimeball unite! Not only are we told that the tabloids pounced on Molly the Marsupial and Jason the Ape Man, but apparently, Jason was yelled at by a Pasadena woman! OH NOOO! While Molly narrates this tragic story, Jason is seen sitting on a park bench, squinting his eyes and looking off into the distance–trying to give the impression that a complete thought is passing through his synapsed neurons. If only we had a Celine Dion tune playing in the background…

“Things happen for a reason,” Jason pontificates as he looks back at all the hardships he had to go through to be with his beloved. “She is one piece of badonka donk I cannot lose.”

Updates To Yawn About

To bring on some filler, the cameras give us updates on past Bachelors and Bachelorettes whom we don’t give a flip about anymore.

Jake & Vienna: The man-on-man couple are so aligned with each other that they finish each other’s thoughts! Yippie! “Spend a day with us, we’ll make you throw up!” they laugh. (It doesn’t take a day, buddy boys.)

Jillian & Ed: “Do you want smoothies?” the brunette Canuck asks her hunnie bunny Ed, whose face looks freshly swollen, complemented by his new marine crew cut. He pours creamer into his coffee.

Charlie & Sarah: Kid brother to actor Jerry O’Connell, Charlie the Ogre is quite happy with on-again-off-again love, Sarah. After a year apart, the two have reunited, and it feels so good. All I want to know is: When Charlie speaks, where’s his teeth?

Trista & Ryan: The ancient ‘Bachelor’ couple are the most established of them all, made evident by their two ankle biters. And as most parents of little ones, the two try to convince us they’re happy, but it appears that Ryan is going through post-partum depression.

Wedding Factory Fit for a Network

Although ABC has dominion over all the planning for the big day–from the Neil Lane wedding bands to the Macy’s gift registry (We [heart] you, Martha Stewart kitchen utensils!), at least the producers have been merciful enough to let Jason and Molly pick out their invitations and the flavor of the cake.

And by the by, where’s lispy British celeb wedding planner Colin Cowie when you need him? Well, at least the planner they chose, prissy Jo Gartin, has a British accent. British accents make everything better.

In other news, while Jason is busy getting his back waxed, Molly-pop, sister, and mom skirt off to meet designer Monique Lhuillier, who greets them unenthusiastically as if they’re D-Listers polluting her beautiful store. But never you mind that! Whoosh! In comes a Pretty Woman montage moment of Molly trying on different lily-white gowns. Trying to convince herself this isn’t a doomed relationship, Molly’s mom rocks back and forth in tears and robotically repeats: “It’s going to be a beautiful day, beautiful people, Jason and Molly are going to be beautiful…”

Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties in Vegas

The couple’s wedding parties head out to the City of Sin-licious: Las Vegas! Although Jason secretly gets a lap-dance from his favorite Chippendale (Mr. August, 1995), those blasted ABC video editors deleted the scenes! Instead, to keep the show PG-13, we see Molly and the gals getting their icky poo feet cleaned and manicured and Jason and da boys gambling.

To educate the girls to be even more skanky, an exotic dancer comes into Molly’s suite to teach them how to be bootilicious. The bride-to-be laughs so hysterically that she suddenly looks like the long-lost twin of ‘SNL’s Will Forte.

Dinner time. Jason gets roasted by all the home boys, and although he tries to take it like a man, he has the urge to cry on a balcony whilst sucking his thumb. Meanwhile, Molly’s lady friends are offering naughty advice that make the owl-eyed Midwesterner blush. They giggle like teens and exchange diaphragms as a way of bonding.

As the boys and gals gallivant to separate clubs to ‘Roger Rabbit’ and ‘Hammer’ the night away, Jason wistfully says, “I’m missing Molly.” (Then you ain’t at the right club, man.)

The two finally meet up and hold each other–albeit the whole time Molly keeps her face at bay from Va-Jay Jay’s whiskey-filled breath. “Molly and I are very different…she stands up for everything she believes in,” Jason declares. Couldn’t have said it any better, dude.

Blame It on Da Rain

Blame it on da rain. Yeah. Yeah. But for the wedding planner, that’s just bollocks. Instead, the angry control freak blames the powers-that-be: “If it were me, we’d have a Plan B. We’d be nice and all snuggly and warm inside but that choice wasn’t made,” she snips. (After that comment, ABC cuts her check in half and confiscates her green card.)

Meanwhile, Molly and the pussycat dolls prepare to get beautified by none other than Jessica Simpson hairstylist, Kevin Paves (free hair extensions for all!), and drag queen look-alike makeup artist, Mally Roncal. Molly screams with delight as she emerges with hair bigger than the state of Texas and ten pounds of makeup that’d make Tammy Faye Baker jealous. But wait. That’s not all folks. Those are just door prizes compared to the goodies that are coming their way! While Molly reads the little blue note that Jason has attached to her bouquet, she tosses it aside and screams when she sees her green Payless shoes come in on a silver platter! Then more green shoes for the rest of the ladies! What a bunion-filled celebration! And then there’s jewelry and a trip to the Caribbean for the whole party! (We’re guessing it’s St. Lucia–just a guess.)

The men, on the other hand, are experiencing less frenzy, especially after the overly emotional groom reads the blue note that Molly sends to him. It reads: “My beloved Jason, I can’t wait to send little Ty off to a strict boarding school.”

Wedding Crashers

Because Molly and Jason have no friends, ABC had to pay a slew of former ‘Bachelor’ and ‘Bachelorette’ contestants to fill the seats and endure the cold volatile rain. Coming over to greet Chris, we see a dumbfounded Ryan with his happy slappy wifey, Trista (who apparently got hairstyling tips from ‘Animal Planet’s dog trainer extraordinaire, Victoria Stillwell). And then there are the couples we expected to be there–Ed and Jils, Charlie and Sarah, and even Kiptyn, who was too busy checking out the fellas that he didn’t even stop by to get camera time with Chris. But never did we expect in a thousand years what confronted our eyeballs next…And the oddest WTF couple award goes to: Deanna Papas and Stephen Stagliano (twin brother to Michael Stagliano from last season’s ‘Bachelorette.’) HUH??? We guess she’s trying the Puma thing and prefers Stephen over Michael since he looks less like Vanilla Ice.

But while they’re all yapping up a storm, ACTION SHOT from afar! The encroaching paparazzi are being attacked by ABC-hired bodyguards. One grabs the legs of a tabloid cameraman and violently plays wheelbarrow with him! Jason is up on a balcony, this time crying from laughter and taking pictures of the drama.

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