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Monday night’s final 90-minute installment of the “Real Housewives of New York City” reunion was just another hotbed of rich ladies gone certifiable. The Brunettes and Blonds found no common ground to foster civility—not even on Louis Vuitton shoes! Of course, the gal who got ganged up on the most was poor Supermodel McCord. Don’t hate her because she’s beautiful, people.

The ladies fought about everything under the sun—from drinking to effeminate tweeting hubbies to toe porn! Thankfully, amid all of the vicious negative energy, there was some comic relief via Ramona Coaster, who kept flailing her arms as if in postmodern dance, laughing at things that weren’t meant to be funny, and sliding off the couch like a kindie-gartner.

Check out the highlights of the lowlights right here:

Music Vid vs Toe Canoodling—Which Is More Embarrassing? Playing with fire, Ramona tells the vicious pack that her daughter Avery vehemently disapproved of her being a part of LuLu Bell’s second music video because the first one was too cougarlicious. At hearing this, the Countess scrunches up her face with frustration and asks Ramotional: “She’s not embarrassed by her father getting a massage on national television?” Her Highness also points out the couple’s embarrassing toe jam session. To get under Ramona’s skin, Jill grabs Kelly’s giant foot and reenacts the scene in an orgasmic sorta way. (Jill, get sanitizer quick!) Ramona smiles gleefully as she watches their antics with a plan to cut off their big toes after the show.

Some Girls Never Change. Has Jill changed from being the gossipy, backstabbing pre-adolescent clown from seasons prior to a rehabilitated dignified adult? That was the question (that we already knew the freakin’ answer to). As the montage of clips rolls, we watch the Lawwng Islander talking smack about Alex’s plebian status on the societal scale, whispering that Cindy is practically a granny to her toddler twins, and preaching on how Sonja ought to handle her bankruptcy—all interlaced with self-proclamations of being a new and very nice person! “No one can change 100%, but I’m honest, caring, and I’m loyal,” the Red-Head defends. “If I say things to be blunt, sometimes that’s just the way I am. But I don’t do it with a mean intention.” She continues saying that the difference between her and Ramona is that the latter deliberately tries to hurt people. As for her elitist comment toward Alex’s social climbing, she quickly apologizes, but the Supermodel is having none of it! “If I were trying to socialize above myself, I would stay the hell away from all of you because you’re a liability!” the Blond shouts as fuschia lipstick stains her choppers. In comes the second drug accusation of the reunion from 4th grade Kelly: “Excuse me, Miss McCord, are you smoking craaack?!” the Skyscraper screams. Ignoring Kelly, Andy high-fives the Brooklyn mom via his gleaming eyeballs.

Take a Drink—Take Ten. Although the ladies and viewers alike tell Ramona she’s got Pinot problems spewing from her Botox’d pores, she scoffs it off and hides her shakes. After Andy reads an excerpt from Jill’s blog about her frenemy’s need to be inebriated in social settings, the Blond gets personal. “You know what Jill, I really respect you, I think you’re a fabulous woman,” she lies. “I know at times you had problems—you went to AA—you had an alcoholic problem. Just because you did, doesn’t mean I do,” she says. Jill looks at her as if she’s gone bananas. “I’ve never had a drink my whole life,” Miss Bangs defends. Fed up with the ongoing alcoholic accusations, Ramona gets theatrical—off-Broadway style! “If I’m a functioning alcoholic, may I do it for the next 50 years cause thank you, God! I’ve never been happier! Thank you! I love it! I love it!” she exclaims kissing the sky and outstretching her arms.

Simon Says (Too Much). Jill tells Vampire Teeth McCord she doesn’t like her hubby’s propensity to meddle in her affairs, his cyber bullying, and especially his “Watch out!” threat to her at Cindy’s va-jay-jay launch party. LuLu adds that the whole “C U Next Tuesday” comment to her was startlingly uncouth. With defensive guppy eyes, mouth agape, and nostrils flaring, the Supermodel lashes out that they all had it coming! (Behind the stage curtain, Simonette cheers his Beard on as he gets his nails done.)

A Class Act. Offended by LuAnn’s Herman Muenster shoes comment, Alex slams the hypocritical She-Man with all her might: “You’re being obnoxious by speaking over me! This is what you do all the time! You need to take a chapter out of your own book and be quiet and let people speak! Don’t hold yourself as the person who schools everybody else when you can’t follow your own lessons!” The Brunette’s neck thickens with Hulk rage, and she immediately retaliates by continuing her tirade on Alex’s fuglified shoes as well as her S&M dress. (Kelly the Court Jester jumps in to help the Queen.) “Do you take any responsibility?” Andy asks LuAnn about her veil of arrogance. “If it seems to be condescending, that’s not where I’m coming from,” she says.

Thug You! After seeing the barrage of insults Miss Elegance threw onto Alex throughout the season, the latter announces she’s completely right for calling her “a thug in a cocktail dress.” In fact, the Blond says, she’s made ‘A-Thug-in-a-Cocktail-Dress’ t-shirts and plans on giving LuAnn two! Ramona cackles and claps with delight because Nerdie Lady successfully makes a funny!

Henna Hallucinations. Once Andy mentions the estrogen-overload Moroccan adventure, the squawking goes ballistic, and like always, Alex finds herself in the thick of it. Explaining why she allowed Kelly to control her blotch-filled breakdown after she ruined the henna tattoo session, the Blond confesses she didn’t want her tall frenemy to have a “St. John’s meltdown” and self-medicate by pummeling jellybeans in her mouth. “You’re weird! You’re not a nice person!” Kelly concludes to Alex. Suddenly, Ramona breaks the mood by standing up, pulling her dress sky high, and delivering a baby furiously rubbing her thighs. Apparently, Pinot overload brings on the itchies.

That’s it, ladies! Thanks for enduring this Pinot Polar, bankruptcy-filled, face-juicing, Chic C’est La Vie, camel bopping ride with me! If you’d like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!

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Part Uno of the “Real Housewives of New York City” reunion was simply bonkers—a full-on Battle of Menopausal Nasty-Cakes. The ladies brought on their most un-lady like A-game to the table, and drove host Andy Cohen so crazy with their screaming and talking over each other that he literally had to tell them to shut their flippin’ pie holes! What the heck were the gals thinking trying to play with a gay man’s inner diva?

During the 90-minute high-octane verbal diarrhea fest, we were tortured with Alex’s continual constipated expressions of distress (the fuchsia color lipstick didn’t help, either) and were also surprised at Cindy’s degree of vicious barking at everyone and anyone that made her feel low on the pecking order.

As for appearances, we applaud Jill Z. her for her new closely cropped haircut that makes her look like a bloodhound, LuAnn’s need to show the world that Alopecia has struck her eyelashes, and Ramona’s unbecoming 90s hair. But in all fairness, we actually really dug the cobalt blue heels on Kelly’s giant feet.

With that, let’s get this nutty show on the road:

Splotching Isn’t Nice. Kelly tells Andy that when Alex breaks out into red splotches it’s tremendously offense. Why? Because Kelly claims she’s the nicest person in the whole wide world, and in fact, according to her, Cosmo rated her as one of the top five nicest celebrities! To her defense, Alex (and her foot-long cleavage) tells Miss Jelly Belly she never gets to speak her mind completely and that her splotching pops up when she doesn’t want to be attacked. “You think I’m inauthentic—if I could act this, I’d have an Academy Award!” howls the Supermodel. After a moment of silence, Kelly answers in her low-strung voice: “That’s not a good line.”

Emily Post, Set ‘Em Straight! After Jill spreads more rumors about the rumors that Ramona’s hubby Mario is swinging his naughty bits around the Upper East Side, she attacks both her and Alex for wearing cream at the Hamptons wedding. “I think it’s a lot ruder to call someone a f**king b*tch at the wedding than it is to wear cream,” Alex retorts. [Cue in the rude]: “By the way, you are a f**king b*tch,” slams Jill.

The Memory of Bethenny Lives On. Calling Jill out as a serial liar, Ramonational sets it to her straight by revealing the Lawwng Islander’s biggest fib: when she denied she tried to get the ladies not to film with Bethenny because she didn’t want to help boost the SkinnyGirl’s career. “You always lie, and then when you get caught, then you admit it!” the Blondie exclaims. Jill thumps back. “You were in the whole thing with me! You wanted us to never make up! [Ramona] was jealous of my relationship with Bethenny! You ambushed me!” she declares. Ramona looks at her frenemy with pity. “You don’t know what the difference is between TV and reality, and I feel sorry for you. You’re delusional!”

Andy Can’t Take It Anymore! “He’s a great man, and I’m very lucky,” says Ramona about hubby Mario. “I wish you had a great husband like mine cause I know you don’t. Get a life, Loser!” she says to Jill. “Lowww life,” the Red-Head retorts in her best high school comeback. Fed up and annoyed that he can’t get a word in, Andy brings on the sass. “Shut up! Shut-up!” he yelps. “You guys are acting like beasts today!”

The Vajonya and Ramonia. “Some people call [Sonja and Ramona] ridiculous; I call them Ramonia,” Andy says with a sparkly grin. When the discussion steers towards Sonja’s sometimes inappropriate attire, Kelly jumps in saying she was insulted and hurt by Miss Morgan flashing her “vajonya” at the toaster oven cookbook photo shoot. “You were hurt?” asks Andy amused. “Sonja, was your vagina rude to Kelly?” (I don’t know about you, but wasn’t Sonja’s cottage cheese butt incident more painful to the eyes?)

Does Cindy Need to Get Laid? Although Ramona and Cindy are still sorta friends, the ladies definitely don’t see eye-to-eye on Cindy’s bro Howie conjuring up the memory of Ramona Coaster’s recently deceased friend by way of smoking his cigars and supposedly wearing his clothes. (Howie’s dating the widow.) Returning to the uncomfortable Hamptons incident, Ramona throws out the first punch. “He was wearing a dead man’s suit to the wedding!” she screams. Cindy defends her bro. “You are on crack,” she says. When Alex tries to nudge her way into the battle, the Downtown Gal tells her to shut her trap. “Well, you just lighten up!” Alex shoots back. “Maybe you need to get laid, seriously!” The Blond begins to give off her usual dorkified laugh because she thinks she’s made a funny, but Cindy goes right back at her and imitates her giggly heaving. “What are you, a lap dog?!” she asks maliciously.

The Anti-Breakfast Club. Long story short, Cindy says Sonja knew that she’d be making a business call during her breakfast date with her, but Sonja flatly denies being informed. After some back-and-forth squawking that apparently makes Cindy feel she’s being crapped on by elitists, the Brunette shoots up out of her seat and screeches, “Don’t tell me what to dooo!” Because Alex wants another chance at being degraded, she screams her way into the fight and says that Cindy’s actions were pathetic. “I designed a whole store while we were filming—you never saw me get in the way of that!” the Blond says. But because Cindy’s veneers are popping off from anger, Kelly tag teams and takes on the McCord for her. “You designed a whole store, and you have the same business as Cindy?! Are you highhh?!!” the Giant retorts. The Brunettes cackle with delight. “Oh my lord, this is exhausting,” Andy sighs.

The Blows Get Low. To end Part One of the reunion, Ramona goes off on LuAnna’s “weekend mom” status and recent divorce to the Count. “LuAnn is very condescending, and she always makes it [that] her life is perfect. And now that she is divorced, we can talk about the fact that she had a very open marriage…and for you to insinuate my marriage isn’t good,” Ramona says. While the Countess vehemently denies she’s ever said anything negative about Mario’s possible unfaithful canoodling, Ramona takes it the lowest of the low and brings up LuLu’s daughter as a critique of the latter’s “barely-there” parental status. “Why has your daughter transferred four times in four years?!” Miss Pinot Polar asks. Irate that the kids are being dragged into the ruckus, Jill flips out: “Leave LuAnn alone! Leave her children alone—or you’re gonna to deal with meee!” Ramona blinks with curiosity as if she’s just seen an infuriated muppet with 70s hair.

The second 90-minute installment of the “Real Housewives of New York City” explodes on Bravo on Sunday, August 1 at 10pm EST.

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On Thursday night’s season finale of “Real Housewives of NYC,” we had to ponder some serious questions that frightened the bejesus out of us, such as: 1) Could Ramona be preggers and possibly pass along her genetic code of Crazy Eyes to her unborn child? 2) Would we be able to survive another season hearing Alex’s dork laugh that sounds like she’s choking on air? 3) Did LuAnn’s infantile-toothed producer hypnotize Natalie Cole to get her to sing with his favorite She-Man? And finally: 4) Would LuAnn ever realize that the only people who actually dig her music is the tranny community?

If you want to attempt to find the answers to these difficult questions, check out the cat-clawing highlights below:

Best Frenemies Forevah
After producers shove Prozac down Sonja and Cindy’s throats, the two decide to meet at a plant store to make amends for the umpteenth time. Without wasting a moment, the ladies dive into the hellish breakfast date ordeal that left Sonja fuming over Cindy taking a business call (and stringing her uninvited assistant along) amid her lovely display of crumpets and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spread.

Sonja tells the Downtown Gal that things would’ve been as smooth as Cindy’s self-proclaimed hairless va-jay-jay if she just simply excused herself. “Maybe you want me in the call as a business woman,” suggests Sonja haughtily. “I didn’t get where I am because I fell off a potato truck, okay?” Getting sick of her shenanigans, Cindy tersely replies, “Stay focused.” The Blondie continues her tirade until Cindy’s veneers fall out and her hair begins to recede.

To shoot back, the Vajeweling Queen tells Miss Bankruptcy that perhaps she can learn a thing or two from that business call and that it’s bad manners to have disrespected her assistant. After some more squawking from both sides, Cindy gets fed up and walks off in a huff. “I’m done with you…this is bullsh*t.”

Poor Baby
To accentuate the possibility that she’s carrying a zygote in her Benjamin Button womb, Ramona struts into Sonja’s apartment sans makeup and acts really woozy. Suddenly, she busts open her jacket to show off her swollen melons and insinuates she’s got that fertilized feeling again! “Are you pregnant?” asks Sonja. “Holy sh*t!” she adds when Ramotional confides she thinks she might be indeed!

L-O-V-E Boat
LuAnn and French lover Jacques celebrate their one-year anniversary with a yacht party, and the ladies come dressed to impress! While Alex prances around in blinding hot pink shorts that should only belong in a Jem and the Holograms cartoon, Sonja and Ramona saunter in together both wearing long, slinky leopard gowns that scream more “Cougar” than anything.

To steal The Countess’ thunder, Ramona decides to tell Mario at the party that she might be preggers! Mario freaks out with incredulous laughter, as sweat beads begin to trickle down into his underoos. He repeatedly exclaims that it can’t be possible (especially since he secretly recalls giving all of his love juice to a number of ladies on the Upper West Side in the past month).

But for the Leopard Twins, anything is possible! They scurry off into a bathroom, and Sonja pulls out a preggie stick. Waiting in line for nature’s call, Jill gets annoyed that the blondies are being secretive and giggly, but she starts picking up what’s going on since Ramona’s been downing Pellegrino.

“At this age—mid 50s—when you miss your period, it’s not because you’re pregnant, it’s because menopause is knocking at the door,” says Jill to the camera. (And in the end, the Lawwng Islander was right. Ramona was entering the new world of impending hot flashes and unruly chin hair.)

Out of Tune, Better Auto-Tuned
To surprise Jacques and show off how classy she is, LuLu brings out Natalie Cole, whom we believe she most likely drugged in order to get the legend to sing with her. They begin to belt out the ever-famous Nat King Cole “L-O-V-E” song, and no shocker, Lulubell’s scratchy testosterone chords are way off-key. But Jacques doesn’t notice. With adoration for his one and only She-Man, he sways dreamily, letting his amazing Tony Danza hair shine in the light, along with his eager dachshund face.

The night closes with LuAnn making a toast to her lady friends in front of the Statue of Liberty. With a glass of champagne in her hand, she professes that even though some of them may have been late for Moroccan dinner, refused to be in her embarrassing music video, and that Alex McCord exists—hey, they’re all still “like family” to her!

And with that, the ladies tack a toothy smile onto their faces as they slowly begin to wrap their heads around memorizing their scripts for the dog-eat-dog reunion—with the exception of Kelly. Cause, ya know, she’s more of an improv actor.

Catch ‘Part 1’ of the reunion on Monday, July 25 at 10pm EST. ‘Part 2’ airs Monday, August 1 at 10pm EST.

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Last night on the “Real Housewives of NYC,” there was nothing chic about the fallout from the making of LuAnn’s “Chic C’est La Vie” music video. Considering Kelly and Jill were the only two nutty souls who agreed to lollygag around in Atlantic City with Cruella de Vil, the episode essentially should’ve been called “Crapping on the Countess,” thanks to Ramotional and Supermodel McCord.

Could their verbal scourge be a testament to the powerful forces of karma, considering LuAnn’s bullying adventure in Morocco? Read on, girlfriends, read on…

Burning Off Steam
Ramona and Sonja trollop to the gym to work off their chunka monkas while re-visiting their favorite pastimes: 1) disingenuously praising each other ad nauseum until they develop more lip lines and 2) talking smack about one of the gals—this time the victim being LuAnn and her classy new music video.

“She was kind of provocative on the bed with all those men around her,” Ramona says, referring to LuAnn’s original tranny-loving “Money Can’t Buy You Class” oeuvre. After telling Sonja that she thinks Miss Lulu is a latchkey-kid supporting “weekend mom,” she confides she just can’t imagine participating in her music porno video because it would set a bad example for daughter Avery.

“Kids talk and doing a video, that’s forever, that’s gonna be out there on the Internet forever,” the Ramona Coaster warns. (Never mind Turtle Dance, Pinot Polarity, Crazy Eyes, massaging the man boobs and toe jam of her half-naked hubby…and well, being on a reality show.)

The C-Word
The other substantial attack on Her Royal Highness is made from none other than Alex and her wife Simonette….

With Simon’s bro and Aussie friend acting as stone props in the background, Simon prompts Alex to get the grill aflaming for his favorite edible undertaking: devouring weiners. While they sit around the witch cauldron, the odd couple gossips about the She-Man’s incessant need to throw around the C-word (i.e. class, not that other C-word) and Alex’s decision not to partake in her silly musical shenanigans.

“If she were doing a gangsta rap, or a ballad about love, or singing show tunes, I would be there…I [just] don’t like the message [of the video],” Miss Vampire Teeth says, along with more priceless verbal smackdowns.

She adds: “I have a problem with her condescending air of teaching the little people how to behave when she doesn’t know how to behave herself.”

And another: “It just bothers me when people act like such wannabes…Number one, you don’t go around throwing your title around—and it’s not even something that’s from her family.” (We casually learn that, like true royalty, Alex came from an inbred family that owned three homes and made its riches from the oil fields of Kansas.)

And here’s one more fiery slam for old time’s sake: “I don’t think she’s ever gotten the memo that to use the word (“class”) is to prove it doesn’t apply to you.” BAM! Alex, cool down, girl, you are making it hot in herrr!!!

With none of the Housewives around to cut off or overpower the Brooklynite’s words of wisdom, the Supermodel finally has her vengeance! C’est bonn, c’est bonn!

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Oh, Twitterverse! How you try rich socialites’ souls! (Well, at least when you’re in the hands of displaced House-queen Simon McCord.)

On Thursday night’s “Real Housewives of NYC,” Jill, LuAnn, and Kelly drove themselves into hot flashes when they slammed Alex’s hubby’s purported “cyber-bullying” (a.k.a. “mean-tweeting”) of them.

Check out how Mr. Eye Bags created estrogen mayhem with 140 characters or less:

I Got a Bone to Pick With You, Biatch
Deprived of his cancer sticks and angry no man has volunteered to vajewel his naughty bits at Cindy’s bikini wax party, Simon saunters over and tells Jill they need to talk—over lunch. Why? Because Mr. Freckles is still ticked about her past treatment of his beloved beard, Alex.

Right after they agree to get together, Kelly grabs Jill and embarks on a scream-spitting tirade on why the heck a married man would ask a married woman out to lunch! Influenced by Kelly’s freaky reaction, the red-head scurries over to Simonette and says the lunch date is off.

“Watch out!” says Simon, as a “hashtag” flashes mischievously before his eyes.

When Kelly hears what she considers his Twitter “cyber-bullying” threat to Jill, she aggressively marches over to him to get him to talk things out with the Lawwng Islander. Turned off by her Steven Tyler-like choppers in his grill, he looks at her wickedly and says he’ll have some special tweets for her bony arse real soon. #Ruh-roh. (Kelly’s head spins with anxiety, flooded with the images of tye-dye jellybeans.) She gallops off like a rabid animal to LuAnn and Jill, ranting about how Simon plans to “mean-tweet” her.

“What man has time to cyber-bully another woman?!” Kelly later exclaims at Jill’s house, adding her favorite words “weird!” and “odd!” to describe him. (Girlfriend’s major flaw is that she assumes Simon’s the opposite gender.)

Tall Order of Voodoo
In order to practice the art of making other people feel more psychotic than she is, Kelly invites Alex to lunch to test out her skills. Before the squinty-eyed blond can make her signature “O” shape to her mouth, the Queen of Anti- Mean-Tweeting and Systematical Bullying ignites into her monologue:

“We’re all concerned,” she starts out, referring to Simon’s Mean Girl ways. “It really hurts my feelings…it’s odd. I don’t want to fight with you.” [Alex tries to speak; Kelly stops her after one syllable.]

“I don’t really want to discuss this anymore,” shouts the bi-polar Jolly Green Giant, as her happy circuit malfunctions. “I’m always sticking up for youuu!”

“You have no idea who I am, and I don’t think you have any desire to know who I am,” calmly states Alex. “That’s a passive aggressive thing to do, when you say you want to ‘check in.’ You are railroading over me with what you think is wrong with me…” [She starts blotching.]

At the sight of Alex’s outbreak, Kelly’s stress hormones go into overdrive, and she immediately cuts off the Brooklynite. “Can you stop being red? It’s bothering me now,” she says, as she tries to think of something happy—like the pancake she plans on eating—to keep her teeth from exploding onto the table.

“Then stop attacking me,” interjects Alex.

“I’m gonna let you get iced out, you’re gonna ice yourself out,” vindictively remarks the Crazy One.

Come on now, Alex! First, you let the Countess threaten you and now tween-monger Kelly? Where’s your inner-Simon inner-diva at?!

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Drag queen music lovers, this one’s for you, biatches! With the help of her faux-hawk’d towhead music producer, Countess LuAnn de Lesseps has produced another remarkable gender-bending single called “Chic C’est La Vie.” (And you better believe the sophistication is off the charts when you start using French words!)

Unfortunately, creating the music video wasn’t without drama. According to PopEater, The Countess invited all of her fellow “Real Housewives” cast members to participate, but only Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon were game.

“It was very disappointing that the other ladies wouldn’t be part of it,” said LuAnn at a Life & Style mag party. The other girls didn’t come; they didn’t think it was appropriate. I didn’t want anyone to feel like they were being excluded so I invited everyone. And let’s face it, I sing about them in the song.”

She continued: “They said it was not the right image they wanted to portray, and I was like ‘Excuse me, not the right image?’ Who goes out without their panties, another rubs her husbands naked chest on the show, please.”

For those of you who still tirelessly pole dance to The Countess’ first hit, “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” you’re in for a delightful treat! Not only will you hear her talk-sing and use the word “elegance” again and again throughout her new track, but she also brings it with a fiercely sizzling Cruella De Vil look!

Like RuPaul says, there’s only one thing left to say: ‘Con-drag-u-lations,’ Countess!

Check out the piping hot goods right here:

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It was a battle between Her Highness and Her Nerddom on last night’s “Real Housewives of NYC.” The question is, dahrrrlings—whoever did win? Was it The Countess, with her new-found spite? (We blame the growing testosterone raging in her system—don’t judge—you don’t know what it feels like to turn masculine with age!) Or was it Alex, with her new-found “voice” (i.e. desperation to stay relevant)? We’re not sure if there was a more stress-inducing moment than watching these two squawking over each other (although the scene where Simon squeezes Alex’s lingerie-laden fleshless glutes was a close second).

Check out how the broads got to brawling:

Elitists Have No Respect for Dorks
The Countess agrees to meet up with Alex over cappuccinos, believing that the latter is planing to apologize for causing Henna-Gate in Morocco. But before Alex can open her mouth to reveal her chubby teeth, LuAnn’s aggression ignites!

“I can’t possibly guess what you might want to discuss with me that makes you unhappy,” Her Highness says with Sasha Fierceness glinting in her tiny eyes.

Ignoring the adam’s apple that’s popping out of her frenemy’s dwarfed neck, Alex tells her she was legitimately concerned about how she was treating Ramona on the trip. LuAnn simply replies that Alex doesn’t need to be Ramotional’s “watchdog” and that she really needs to “get a life.”

“You’re doing it right now, you’re not even listening to me…if we’re going to be friends, you need to listen,” demands Alex, who’s starting to squint her eyes with equal divaliciousness. After Lady She-Man tells the blond to stay out of her business, calls her a “bully,” and wonders why she just won’t apologize, the Brooklynite bites back saying she’s “delusional.” What the ffff?! How dare she say that to Royalty! The Countess hunkers down and slimes Vaseline on her face—oh, she’s ready to play drrrty! Time to insult girlfriend’s shoes!

LuAnn: “You come after me in the house…in your Herman Muenster shoes…”
Alex [lips tighten and disappear]: “They’re Louis Vuitton shoes…”
LuAnn [throws her head back]: “Well, even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.”
Alex [mwah-ha-ha-ing sarcastically]: “Wow, that is so rude. This is why I’ve never approached you before.”
LuAnn [getting ready to leave]: “Don’t take this literally, but don’t forget what happens to the messenger, okay? Get a life.”

LuAnn triumphantly struts out of the restaurant, leaving Alex staring into her empty cup—with abhorrent cappuccino breath.

Our advice to Alex: If you want to fight with Delusionals, then you have to be delusional (and not just with your modeling career).

Our advice to LuAnn: Take your own advice—elegance is learned, ya habibi! And it looks like you haven’t learned it, Miss Thang.

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Heart palpitations! Heart palpitations! Ramona Singer wasn’t the only one in need of an aortic valve replacement when she donned her “Crazy Eyes” and attacked Jill Zarin on Thursday night’s “Real Housewives of NYC”—we did, too! (And that’s even without mentioning Sonja Morgan’s cottage cheese-laden J-Lo booty flash earlier in the episode…but that’s another story).

So what the heckety heck happened? Here’s the short of it:

Jennifer, the Hamptons Bride—who’s sportin’ a young Candy Spelling look—decides to tattle-tale to Ramona that Jill had kinda ruined her once-in-a-lifetime moment on two fronts: 1) By complaining about Alex and Simon being at the wedding 2) And asking how she could ever be friends with Ramona. Ruh-roh.

Needless to say, at hearing this, Ramona flips out and immediately commits self-mutilation by letting her bangs stab her Crazy Eyes and self-medicates by gulping down her Pinot, which she keeps faithfully in one hand.

At her bubbly launch, the blond business woman, looking heinously possessed by fermented white grapes, nervously pulls Jill aside and goes on the attack! Her jumpy eyelashes, neck jerking, and lips-sticking-to-her-teeth do the emoting.

So what does the redheaded Lawwng Islander do? She chooses a “reformed” approach in dealing with conflict: She immediately denies Ramona’s accusations and throws the blame on some unidentified drunk arse wife who was also at the wedding.

“Oh my gosh!” Ramona screams at Jill in disbelief. “[Jennifer] told me you almost made her cry!”

By now Jill is ticked off beyond belief, and as if in slo-mo, we watch her thin out her lips in preparation to say her favorite line: “Just cuz you say it, it doesn’t make it true!” She continues her Lawwng Island fury: “You always put your foot in your mouth at the wrong time! You have no class—at your own party you attack me!” Damn, where’s the Oscar for this woman?

After confronting Jennifer and basically telling her that she’s a liar, Jill returns to the party and confronts Ramona again, who continues her neck-jerking, hair-swishing, and yodel-screaming — all the while managing not to spill one lick of her special glass of Juicy Juice. As her animated eyes look aimlessly about, the inebriated blond confesses she’s been suppressing three years worth of anger over Jill talking smack behind her back!

“Ramona, you’re outta control,” Jill tells her calmly, implying she’s got a major Pinot-Polar problem. “You need help.” She walks out like a hero.

But heroes breakdown, too. Having felt “ambushed” yet again by the psycho blond, Jill flees to her car where the Countess is waiting to comfort her like a proper lady friend would do. “She did it to me again!” ugly cries Jill. “I can’t do this anymore! She’s such an evil b-tch!” She begins to pluck out gifts from her purse and tells the Countess to return them to Ramona. (We can’t clearly see what the gifts are, but to us, they look like a packaged donut and a prickly massage ball.) “I’m never talking to her again—I’m done!” screams the redhead with tears streaming down her newly juiced-up face.

Meanwhile, Ramona’s going ballistic recounting Jill’s gossipy ways to Jennifer, who’s secretly thinking how thankful she is for not regularly associating with these mid-life reality TV freaks.

“It’s wrong, it’s evil, it’s toxic—and now I’m never gonna be friends with her anymore! How bout that?!” asserts the Ramona Coaster, reminding us that there’s a haughty middle schooler still burning inside all of us.

Lesson from last night? Recovering Mean Girl Fibber + Pinot-Polar-Induced Paranoia = All Kinds of Crazy.

Don’t ever go there, ladies. It ain’t pretty.

Toby Canham/Astrid Stawiarz/Joe Corrigan/Getty Images

Mommies. The word alone makes you think of sunshine, Campbell’s Soup, and Snuggle fabric softener, doesn’t it? Now insert “Reality TV” before “mommies” and what thoughts come up then? Wait a minute—don’t tell us. It’s probably better that way.

We all know moms come in different shapes and sizes and sanity levels, so for Mother’s Day, we thought you’d like to be taken to the wild side and celebrate the most outrageous Reality TV Mamas on The Tube today.

Check out the maternal lessons we’ve learned from these lovely ladies:

Bethenny Frankel – “Bethenny Ever After”
Being a late bloomer in motherhood and professional success gives you license to juggle a lot of balls—and say the word “balls” a lot. When you become a NY Times Bestselling author, land a multi-million dollar deal selling a low-calorie girly margarita mix, and snag a cheesy gig to ice skate on TV all in a span of a few years, massive breakdowns are inevitable. That’s okay, though, you have enough money to pay for therapy and even have your sessions broadcast on cable TV, too.

NeNe Leakes – “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” “Celebrity Apprentice”
The name of the game is tough love, son. If your deadbeat child is seemingly taking advantage of all the hard-earned money you’ve worked for, kick him out and lash him with endless verbal grenades! That’ll teach him! Other ways to show you’re in charge and in control: Shout insults before thinking! Flash your plastic surgery badge with pride! And always carry around your “street game” because you never know when you might need to whoop somebody’s ass! Gotta protect Numero Uno, biatches!

Christina Aguilera – “The Voice”
Getting a divorce, fluctuating in weight, and having the po-po stop you for being an inebriated zombie with your new boy toy—well, since those are all kind of prereqs for being a true diva—you’re forgiven. And when your next gig entails 15 million pairs of eyes watch you pick yourself back up, jump into the judge’s seat to help people follow their dreams, and give a network a much-needed prime-time hit, you’ve hit a high note! Everybody loves a comeback story, right?

Joan Rivers – “Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?”
Being a comedic legend (and a walking ad for extreme plastic surgery) can be a curse sometimes, especially when it makes your only child feel so talentless and insecure. Awww. So how do you remedy such a power-struggle of a relationship? Be your normal overbearing self and move in with your daughter, tell her whom she should marry, how she should raise her kid, and try to get her to pose for a porn video for kicks. That’ll really help her get over her mommy issues.

Cindy Barshop – “Real Housewives of New York City”
You can have it all and keep your secrets, thank you very much. For the tough, downtown business woman who’s so over waiting for Mr. Right, go ahead and pull out your cash for that in-vitro, pop out twins in your 40s, and keep the baby daddy’s identity a secret! Why the hell not? It’s your life and you play by your own rules.

Alexis Bellino – “Real Housewives of Orange County”
Giving props to the Man Upstairs while busily worshiping your husband, running after your children (so they don’t disturb daddy), embarking on a clothing line venture because you have nothing better to do, and acting ferociously entitled make for the best co-dependent Mommy ever!

Kris Jenner – “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”
When you have a lot of children and they all happen to look dark and mysterious, then it’s time to sell them off to Hollywood, become their “Momager,” and make millions! Just about any endorsement will do, and the key is to take advantage of your daughters’ junk—upstairs and downstairs! It’s a great way to live vicariously through their fame and to party and act their age. Yippie!!!

Bravo

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

The Countess (Dahling!) said it best when describing her “friend” Ramona Singer: She’s “Pinot-Polar.” You never know which side you’re gonna get.

On last night’s “Real Housewives of NYC,” Ramona demonstrated that her infamous Crazy Eyes aren’t just for the catwalk—she uses them in every social situation, along with a forceful enunciation of every word that spills out of her mouth as if she’s practicing an advanced level of facial exercise.

Check out the tsunami of Ramotionalisms that went down last night:

LuAnn Dahling invites the ladies to her house in the Hamptons, and before she’s able to savor her high-class guacamole and shrimp cocktails, Ramona walks in frazzled (Crazy Eyes in full effect) from her traffic-filled trip from Manhattan and randomly begins to insult her host’s mothering skills. Of course, The Countess is agitated and tells the cameras that she finds her blond guest acting barbarically “low class.”

The next day, as the gals are walking their dogs for charity, Ramona confides to LuAnn about her embarrassing situation at the Hamptons wedding where she started potty-mouthing Cindy Barshop’s brother, Howie, for acting—in her opinion—rude and disrespectful to the memory of her late best friend, whose wife is now dating Howie. As she’s describing the situation, she begins to hyperventilate and then explodes into tears. Being the classy cheri that LuAnn is, she tries to comfort her by giving advice on how to deal with him at Cindy’s birthday party, all the while feeling like she’s talking to an amnesiac freak who’s apparently forgotten all the heaping insults she threw at her the night before.

When The Ramona Coaster arrives at Cindy’s party, she’s alarmed that she can’t find her Pinot. After incessantly demanding her white fermented grapes and almost giving Cindy a heart attack for it, she careens over to Kelly, who—aside from making sand angels at the beach to avoid all sense of reality—also uses kids to shield herself from very bad things (i.e. the sight of Miss Turtle Dance).

Flabbergasted as to why Kelly’s acting as if she’s “Freddy Krueger,” what does Ramona do to remedy the situation? She gets up in the giant’s grill. As Kelly and Cindy discuss an upcoming brunch that Ramona is clearly not invited to, the blond clandestinely hides her demonic eyes behind her shades before she ravages her skittish prey!

“So thanks for inviting me—I invite you to everything, Kelly. I extend myself,” says Ramona with the nastiest sarcastic ‘tude she can muster. (The flip of her hair manages to make the situation even more nasty-cakes!)

Oh, but the Ramoniac’s not done wreaking havoc. She whirls on over to Howie and aggressively confronts him in an attempt to “clear the air.” But just like Jelly Bean Kelly, Howie avoids her like the plague. Before The Tasmanian Devil has a meltdown in front of Cindy and Howie’s fragile 85-year-old pappy, Cindy leaps into the madness and pulls her psycho friend aside, screaming “Absolutely not!”

“Okay, okay, okay…” replies Ramona, sounding like Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon. “Look my hands are shaking,” she says to an unsympathetic Cindy, as she lifts her trembling digits and bursts into tears for a second time. Having pulled up her shades off her face, Ramona reveals she’s not wearing any make-up—which seemingly makes her look even more mental.

In the end, Cindy calms her frenzied guest by holding her close and like a parent to a child, distracts her by having Miss Pinot-Polar concentrate on the dreadful veggie dip lying on the picnic table. In an attempt to be obedient, Ramona dives into the dip convo with the Patti Smith look-alike while secretly hoping her favorite bubbly is nearby to ease the pain.

Can someone get her a damn Pinot already?