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Since it took Kim Kardashian a mere 72 days to back out of her marriage with Kris Humphries, we kinda wanted her to back out of the spotlight for at least 72 days — because we’re dying for a break from all this Kardashian Krap-to-strophic drama.

But considering Kimmie’s first love is her career, that’s just silly wishful thinking…

Check out the latest ups and downs in the Kardashian post-divorce announcement soap opera:

Loyalty deserves a self-indulgent kiss from a perfectly bronzed goddess. Thanking her “loyal blog dolls” for being so supportive amid her “divorce crisis” (a.k.a. brain-freeze crisis), Kim offers her “fans” a “generous” gift: a picture of her blowing a kiss. (Uhh, yeah. We think they’d prefer some of that $18 million wedding loot, or—like one commenter notes—some re-gifting from her expensive-arse wedding gifts.)

Source: Vulture.

Kim’s Lawyer Swears Marriage the Real Deal. Celebrified attorney Laura Wasser, who’s usually hush-hush about the legal issues of her A-list clientele, went on the record saying she has no reason to believe that Kim and Kris’ marriage was fake. (Wait. She’s a lawyer…we’re supposed to believe her?)

“Our office did indeed negotiate and prepare a prenup for Ms. Kardashian,” Wasser says. Given what I know regarding that document, it is not plausible that this marriage was a sham.”

She adds that the purported 30-page prenup involved financial issues “that go well into the future,” which, to her, was an indicator that the marriage wasn’t a get-rich-quick scheme.

Source: TMZ.

Kim’s Hairy Situation. Never mind the divorce, Kim’s in the crosshairs of another legal matter: She’s being sued by a hair-removal company called Radiancy. In the lawsuit, the company claims Kim has been misleading the public by making false—and dangerous—statements about the efficacy of a rival hair-removal product by a company called TRIA.

Radiancy points out that Kim went on “The Wendy Williams Show” claiming she uses TRIA’s product “on her entire body,” even though TRIA admits the product isn’t safe to use on the face, neck, ears, and private parts.

In addition, Radiancy states that after becoming its new spokesperson, Kim had only been using the TRIA product for a few weeks before she hastily tweeted she was “loving the results so far.” (The product claims results begin after 90 days.)

Radiancy is requesting that Kim and TRIA stop their false advertising and is seeking moolah for losing business over the matter.

Source: TheWrap.

A Signature Ending. To Kim’s relief, Kris plans on signing divorce papers—with no drama attached.

However, according to onlookers, who recently saw him with friends at NYC’s Serafina’s (one of his fave hangouts with his soon-to-be ex-wife), he was looking like a forlorn, heartbroken giant.

“Kris looked so depressed,” said one source. “He looked like he was going to cry in his pizza, sat at the same table he used to sit with Kim.”

Awww. But perhaps there were just too many onions on his pie…

Sources: Us Weekly & People.

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Earth-shattering breaking news: Kim Kardashian is attempting to be private.

As much as you guys were jonesing for a two-part Kardashian divorce confessional, the Armenian princess has given the hand to E!, saying she will not discuss or allow cameras to shoot her admiring her expensive wedding gifts fighting or crying with soon-to-be ex Kris Humphries or any other semblance of real emotions because, hey, this is a reality show after all, people.

According to TMZ, Kim has decided she’ll hold off shooting “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” until the beginning of next year and will only superficially acknowledge the dissolution of her 72-day marriage.

Considering she’s been “The Butt” of late-night jokes, is being accused of cashing in on a fake marriage by the ‘bloids, and has gotten majorly riffed on by SNL this past Saturday, it looks like the 31-year-old is getting the “reality check” of her life. And for once, it isn’t the kind she can spend.

Bravo

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“If you feel unattractive it makes it so much worse,” Rachel Zoe said about her impending labor on Tuesday’s  “Rachel Zoe Project.” “If I’m gonna be a mess, I’m gonna be a glamorous mess.”

And so she was. Last night’s baby eppy was, like, literally ba.na.nas as Rach physically (and fashionably) prepared to give birth to Baby Skyler “Peanut” Berman. As much as she had originally wanted to “give birth to Chanel,” we so wanted to see the little guy pop out with daddy Roger’s meticulously styled metro hair.

To celebrate Rach and Rog’s fashion-forward addition, here’s a look back at Rach’s inventory list of pre-Peanut prerequisites. They’re so major, we’re dying:

- A variety of Chanel and vintage Halston sweaters for the icky hospital stay.

- A hot pair of Brian Atwood boots to focus on while spread eagle in the stirrups.

- A vicious anti-videographer stance. (Never let ‘em see you sweat, biatches, especially when you’re in labor.)

- What Rog calls a “push present” (a.k.a. a gift to congratulate you for grunting and pushing the babe out): a GINORMOUS 10-carat cushion-cut diamond ring from Neil Lane. (Kim Kardash, eat your heart out.)

- A bottle of Perrier Sparkling Natural Mineral Water—room temp.

- A moment of silence to hairspray and fluff hair before going to the hospital.

- Have your underlings call the hot gay guy you just fired (i.e. Jeremiah) to set up the nursery. And do it at the last minute to make it uber stressful because that’s just the way it’s done in the world of Zoe.

- Set up Peanut’s closet with several pairs of baby Gucci shoes and this year’s AllSaints fall collection.

Best Quotes:
- “This b–ch can handle anything.” (Bestie Joey on Rachel and her impending delivery)

- “He has a better wardrobe than I do, and he’s not even out of the vagina yet.” (Jeremiah on Peanut Berman)

- “I’ve never loved anything like this in my life, and he hasn’t even spoken yet.” (Rachel, after giving birth to Peanut Berman)

E!

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The last act of “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” ended the way every Kardashian show ends: happily ever after! Yippie! But Kim and Kris’ road to “I Do”—ensconced with diamond headpieces and shaved mustaches—wasn’t a pretty one. There was infighting, resentment, last name considerations (would Kim change her name to Kim Humph-Kardash?), bittersweet daddy revelations, and million dollar decisions to be spent and made, baby!

Check out how Kim and Kris went from choking each other to nuptial-luscious kisses:

Khloé tells Mom Kris about her and Humph-Barf’s fight at the engagement party and that Kimmie disinvited her to the wedding. “I f–ked up by being too honest,” she says regretfully. “You can never be too honest, Khloe,” assures Mom Kris. “As long as you don’t tell me I’m fat.”

Regardless, the youngest Kardashian says she won’t be going to the bachelorette party and forces Mom and Bruce to go to a sex shop to buy a bunch of blow up dolls for Kim’s “penis party” in Vegas.

Meanwhile Kim takes a trip out to see Kris in his hometown in Minnesota. After they discuss how jealous Khloé must be over their engagement and elaborately endorsed wedding, the bride-to-be decides to clean out the green creatures growing in her man’s heinous discolored toe nails by giving him a pedi. As she massages his feet and hairy gorilla legs, he stares at her with intensity and squeaks a big one. She giggles and immediately faints from fart inhalation.

After a quick return to L.A., the lovebirds get ready to hop back on a plane for their bachelorette and bachelor parties in Vegas. When the ladies get on their private jet, Kim tells Kourtney that she’s angry and offended that Khloé isn’t coming.

But surprise! When they get to the hotel, Khlo pops out in front of them and jiggles her sister’s udders as a way of making peace! With a snap of a finger, everything’s back to normal!

At the bridal party, Kim tells her A-list guests that she plans on changing her last name to Humphries, which makes Momager’s freshly tightened jowls drop a few inches. She pulls her daughter into her office and tells her giving up her illustrious Kardashian name would be a ridonk business move. “Don’t do this to me at my shower…you are so selfish,” declares Kim. “Britney Spears didn’t change her name!” argues Mom Kris.

To prove her point, the elder Kardashian designs marketing posters, showing Kim what her brand would look like with Humphries as her new moniker: introducing the Hump Rope! Hump Perfume! And Hump Drinks!

Kim gets the point and decides not to change her name. However, she knows conservative Humphy-Dumphy won’t be happy with the news. “Me think you family make decisions for you!” he grunts when she spills the beans. He adds: “You’re 30 years old—grow up.”

Taken aback by his silverback ways, Kim retaliates and calls him a Midwest hillbilly. He puts her in her place and says she better check herself, considering it was just four years ago that she was selling clothes at a boutique (yes, Kris, and a year or so before that, there was “The Tape” she made with her then-boyfriend Ray J)…but we won’t go there.

At the rehearsal dinner, tension between K-I and K-II is at an all-time high—so much so that the Jolly Green Giant decides to grow a pimp daddy mustache in defiance. “This is all I feel like I have left is my mustache,” he says. “I hate him,” she says to her friends with a frozen smile. However, the Bickersons’ anger subsides when Kris’ friend goes up on stage to share how the two started dating and falling in lust love.

In memory of her father, Kim decides to cut out hearts from one of his old shirts and sew them into her three wedding dresses. Bruce comes over and drops off her dad’s shirts, and she breaks out into tears and has a poignant epiphany that lasts for a few seconds. Amid major ugly cry, she realizes the materialism of her wedding is nothing compared to the immaterial—the memory and love of her father. Good-natured Bruce comforts her in his usual high-pitched voice, and the two hug it out.

“You were crying, baby. You’ve never done that around me,” Kris says after Bruce leaves. “You don’t know a whole half of my life,” Kimmie yelps as tears dissolve the pancake bronzer off her face. “I want my dad here!”

Realizing he doesn’t really know a lot about his future wife (and why would he, since he’s known her for, oh, 10 minutes), Humph-Cake lets go of his resentment about her not taking his name. “Maybe for now she should keep her last name and at least always have that part of him,” he says about the memory of her father. (He resolves not to bicker with her until he sees the restraining prenup conditions.)

The day of Kim and Kris’ wedding finally arrives! “This is more than I could have ever dreamed of,” Kim says as she looks around the Santa Barbara estate that has been transformed into an elaborate double-stuffed Oreo cookie.

As celeb guests begin to file in, The Humph-Groom sweats it out—his mustache twitching, his heart racing, and his legs exploding into mini-seizures.

Mom walks down the aisle and proudly shows off her obsession with bow ties by wearing a brontosaurus-sized bow on her white dress, along with her new tight neck. In the only unscripted moment of the show, ring-bearer Mason waddles towards Kourt, and she picks him up and almost falls flat on her face.

Now trumpets, please! Donning her diamond headpiece that makes her look like an Arabian princess, Kimmie traipses down the aisle with “Here Comes the Bride” playing in the background. Everyone claps. The couple exchanges vows, and the bride falls more in love with her younger man as she realizes he shaved his pimp’d-out mustachio after all! Once they exchange rings and are announced husband and wife, Cap’n Hump kneels 10 feet to the floor to kiss his bride!

“Baby, you’re my wife now!” he says as the new couple walks down the aisle and gets attacked by white rose petals hurled by Dina and Lindsay Lohan.

“How weird is that?” the new Mrs. Kris Humphries exclaims.

Weird, indeed.

If you’re diggin’ my Kardashian coverage and would like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!

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The “epic” reality TV event of the decade finally arrived last night with part one of “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding,” although if you considered the amount of time allotted for Momager Kris’ neck-lift, it could’ve been called “Kris’ Fairytale Lift-Off.”

While Kim kept busy preparing her dream wedding to turn out as flawlessly as her foundation bronzer, Kourt and Khloé kept their eyebrows raised on their giant brother-in-law-to-be, Kris Humphries, who wanted to ensure his mouthy, chest-thumping ways would remain intact amid the powerful influx of Armenian estrogen he was marrying into…but of course, ball-busting Khloé was going to challenge his manhood—and motivations—all the way to the bank.

The result? A triple ‘K’ Kaper: Khloé + Kris H. = Klash!

Before we alliterate any more and start talking in Kardashian turtle-mode fashion, check out the highlights below:

Because Kim thinks her collagen and ovaries are at their tipping point, she announces to the Klan that she and Humph-Cake are going to have their wedding in three months. As Kim and her beloved Skyscraper lounge about with everyone in the backyard, the latter demands for some champagne, but Khloé shuts him down as she sips on her own glass of bubbly.

“This isn’t about you, Khloé, so zip it up! Lock it up!” Kris H. barks. To keep things cool, the ever-chill Kourt offers her future bro-in-law a drink (laced with Arsenic), but Khlo decides the night should end with a monster analogy.

“Hey, Frankie, cheers,” she says to Humph-Dawg. “You know why I call you, Frankie? Because you remind me of a glimpse of Frankenstein.” The two continue exchanging swipes, and Kris “jokes” around by saying the only person he hates in Kim’s family is Khloé.

As nuptial preparations are under way, Mom Kris’ first thought is to her sagging jowls and decides they need a pullin’ back. On the day of her surgery, she brings her friend Pastor Brad to the house to pray for the death of her original turkey gobbler while she breaks out into nervous sobs.

Unfortunately for us, Mom Kris allows us to see her in the surgery room, looking half-dead with her mouth open as docs literally peel off her face, tinker around with her yellow chin fat that looks like spring couscous from the Whole Foods buffet, and later, moan like a mummy. We no likey. We pukey.

Meanwhile, Kourt, Scott, Kim, and Humph-Butt meet up at Khloé’s house to hang out and annoy each other. As they chat about Mom’s surgery, the NBA Neanderthal equates her post-surgery look to a tight-faced alien and wastes no time digging into Khloé, suggesting she have a Botox line. Khloé shoots back and asks Kris if he’s packing STDs underneath his jungle bits. After their umpteenth tiff, she begins to question his intentions. “Kim has so many amazing things, and Kris has nothing to lose,” she says to the camera. “If he marries Kim and gets a divorce—he has everything to gain.”

Regardless, Khloé hosts the duo’s engagement party at her house, and she and Kourt offer a snarky toast to their future Redwood-in-law, who’s getting tired of all the sisterly hatin.’ Later, he comes up to Khloé to bury the hatchet but hears her talking smack about him to a friend. He confronts her, and she confronts him right back.

“I’m hoping your intentions are pure,” she says. “Wow, I’m gonna kill this girl,” he mutters to himself. “How dare you question someone’s marriage.” To retaliate, he asks her what her intentions were when she married Lamar, who seems to be oblivious to the in-fighting and focuses his energy on his bowel movements and squeaking out some gas from his bootie tooch.

While Chubba-Wubba Rob battles out his eating addiction and deals with the fam making fat-jokes (mind you, this is pre-”Dancing With the Stars” pudge), Kim tries to cool the tension between her and Humph-Humph by pretending to give him some control over their wedding planning. She takes him to her dream “I Do” location in Santa Barbara, and fortunately for her, he ends up loving it.

“I just don’t want to end up being Scott and Bruce and ending up living life in the passenger seat,” he tells her. Fat chance, buddy boy.

When Kris drives back with Kim, he finally reveals his and Khlo’s tussle at the engagement party. Kim gets irate, (meaning she starts talking at a faster pace, which is equivalent to a normal pace for us). “That’s not okay; I’m definitely confronting her!” she says.

When Kimmie-kins dishes it to Khloé, the latter tells her that Kris is constantly disrespectful and that she’s only repeating what everyone in the family is quietly saying behind his back. Kim walks off in a huff, saying everyone can bite her chunky J-Lo for all she cares.

“So you don’t want me at your wedding?!” asks Khloé.

“No, I don’t!” Kim screams—and slams the door.

Fairytale Fail so far…

If you’re diggin’ my Kardashian coverage and would like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!

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Mark Wahlberg is the mack daddy of entertainment genre-hopping. He gave us ‘Good Vibrations’ in the hip-hop realm, became every girl’s six-pack, brief-wearing fantasy as a Calvin Klein model, has achieved A-list props as an Academy Award nominated actor, and has successfully worked behind the scenes as executive producer for TV hits like “Entourage” and “Boardwalk Empire.”

So what is the 40-year-old dynamo scheming up now? According to E! Online, Mark could have some major beef with reality TV.

At a recent charity function for the L.A. Harbor Boys & Girls Club, the tough guy revealed that he and his brothers are considering a jump into reality TV to promote their high-end burger establishment, Wahlburgers.

However, Mark doesn’t see himself parading in front of the cameras. “Maybe I’ll be the ‘Charlie’s Angels’ of reality TV,” he said. “You’ll hear my voice. But obviously it’s something that we’d want to control in every aspect and produce and make sure that we were doing something really quality.”

But don’t worry, Marky Mark fans—even if his burgers and fries falter like The Funky Bunch, the entrepreneur’s got an additional onslaught of enterprises that’ll keep his familial empire afloat.

“We are interested at some point or another doing our own clothing line in the future,” he said. “As well as a health and wellness business that will help people first and foremost feel good, exercise, eat right and then look good…Eighty-five percent of the population doesn’t exercise and eat right, and you want to be able to push them in the direction of extending their lifespan and living healthy lives.”

Hmmm…cheeseburgers and the pursuit of health wrapped up in a Boston accent. We hope Andy Samberg’s thinking what we’re thinking: new Mark Wahlberg skit on “SNL,” baby!

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Kim Kardashian is a taken woman. The 30-year-old uber reality starlet said “I do” to 26-year-old New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries in a wedding Saturday that embodied a trifecta of what the famous family represents: extravagance, celebrity friends, and most of all, endorsement deals.

In fact, The New York Post reports that Kim raked in — not spent — $18 million for publicizing her nuptials. Considering the event has been estimated at a cost of $10 million, it looks like it’s another Kardashian first: Making a huge profit rather than going into debt on what’s supposed to be one of the priciest rites of passage. (Maybe Momager Kris should work for Congress.)

In case you just woke up, here’s a fiscal round-up via the Post on how Kimmie got away with barely paying for the punch bowls:

Payments they received
* $15 million plus profit for four-hour, two-part wedding special on E!
* $2.5 million for exclusive photos with People magazine
* $300,000 for exclusive engagement announcement with People
* $100,000 for exclusive rights to bridal shower with Britain’s OK! mag
* $50,000 to have bachelorette party at Tao in Las Vegas

Stuff they got for free
* $15,000 to $20,000 Hansen’s Bakery wedding cake
* $20,000 Vera Wang wedding dress and fittings
* $40,000 for two more Vera Wang evening dresses
* $400,000 in Perrier Jouet Champagne
* $150,000 in hair and makeup for photo shoots and TV “home video”
* $10,000 in Lehr & Black wedding invitations

Deeply discounted
* $2 million 20.5-carat engagement ring and $1 million wedding bands by jeweler Lorraine Schwartz. The amount they paid for these items hasn’t been revealed, but it’s much less than their worth.

We can’t help but think that somewhere in the deep recesses of her famous-for-being-famous soul, Paris Hilton is whimpering.

E! will air some footage from Kim and Kris’ wedding tonight at 6 p.m/5c. The two-part special, “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event,” will air Oct. 9 and 10.

Harpo

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Wednesday, May 25th at 5pm EST = The O-pacalypse. After 25 glorious years of being entertained, empowered, and educated, “The Oprah Winfrey Show” will come to an end…and we will wander in daytime TV purgatory to no end. Katie Couric, will you try to save us?

As much as you’ve been Oprah’d out lately, here’s another fine read for you to become overwhelmed with suffering and emotion—we call it the Harpo Syndrome…

In honor of and dedication to the iconic Miss O, here are 10 reasons we’ll forever miss her:

Gayle and Oprah – Oprah taught us that the litmus test for being true BFFs is when people start spreading rumors that you’re gay. We’ll miss these two peas-in-a-pod, their inside jokes, their trips together, and Gayle’s cool and non-jealous attitude—just how a best friend should be. Awww.

The Oprah Lip Sync & Dance – Whether she was going goo goo for Gaga or getting teary-eyed for Whitney, Oprah made her arm swaying, head boppin’, and lip syncing a tradition in her concert segments. And who could ever forget Oprah letting out her inner Tina—even donning the legendary singer’s shaggy mane—and shaking her bon bon with the diva on stage? “You’re Simply the Best…better than all the rest!”

The OMGahh Giveaways - “You get a car! You get a car! And you get a car!” Oprah redefined what it meant to get Talk Show Swag, bringing her audience (and you for not being there) to mass hysteria and tears! We’re also thankful that she didn’t forget us bucket eaters…as if you had forgotten about those KFC coupons.

The Oprah Yell - If you don’t know what we’re talking about, then you’re not a true Oprah disciple. Miss O made it fun to bellow out greetings as if breaking out into song: “Come on ouuuuuuttt!” as well as famous people’s names “Julia Roberrrrrrts!”

The Ugly Cry - You know how it goes: Your face contorts like you’re constipated, your nostrils flare, and your mouth’s agape and shaking uncontrollably. We all do it, but Miss O made it famous and demonstrated it a-plenty—most notably when she reunited with her grade school teacher and that famous surprise meeting with Mary Tyler Moore. (But we actually think she looks cute doing it).

Monumental Interviews - Aside from Babs Walters, Oprah was the only person who could leverage interviews with: the intimidating Madonna, the uber shy Michael Jackson, the gay and HIV-positive Greg Louganis, the questionably sober Whitney Houston, the sexually abused Mackenzie Phillips, the incomparable Sidney Poitier, and the couch-jumping Tom Cruise—to name just a few—and get these usually guarded stars to reveal their deepest, darkest secrest.

The Oprah Book Club – With Oprah’s blessing, she made reading red hot again and gave bookworms a platform to have intellectually and emotionally stimulating conversations on a national scale. From Toni Morrison to the more controversial Jonathan Franzen and James Frey—she not only celebrated these authors’ award-winning works, but she also brought to light their humanity…and well, hiccups.

Spiritual Enlightenment – Another of many Oprah firsts, the Queen of Gab made the traditionally taboo subject of spirituality something comfortable to talk about, question, and explore publicly. We watched her make the terms “Ego” and “Centered” part of our everyday vernacular—well, in the least Jenny McCarthy’s. And who could forget waking up to Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth Webcast Series? For those with a propensity for psychic energy and flying saucers, she even tapped into the mind of the brilliant Shirley MacLaine.

Making Her Friends Famous – We like Oprah the Host, and Oprah the Pay-It-Forward Business Woman. Just ask her buddies Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, and Rachel Ray. Their obscenely successful talk shows means one thing: She owns their souls! Mwah hahahaha. We’ll miss Oprah inviting them as pop-in guests on her show, especially Dr. Oz and all of his bowel movement convos.

Empowering Women - From her lifelong battle with weight and dieting, to her shows about physical and sexual abuse, to her fun-filled makeovers, to introducing us to the unforgivably fit Bob Green—she made us rediscover our mojo and the freedom in forgiving others and ourselves—even when we’ve been guilty of those fudge brownie sundae-filled nights.

Toby Canham/Astrid Stawiarz/Joe Corrigan/Getty Images

Mommies. The word alone makes you think of sunshine, Campbell’s Soup, and Snuggle fabric softener, doesn’t it? Now insert “Reality TV” before “mommies” and what thoughts come up then? Wait a minute—don’t tell us. It’s probably better that way.

We all know moms come in different shapes and sizes and sanity levels, so for Mother’s Day, we thought you’d like to be taken to the wild side and celebrate the most outrageous Reality TV Mamas on The Tube today.

Check out the maternal lessons we’ve learned from these lovely ladies:

Bethenny Frankel – “Bethenny Ever After”
Being a late bloomer in motherhood and professional success gives you license to juggle a lot of balls—and say the word “balls” a lot. When you become a NY Times Bestselling author, land a multi-million dollar deal selling a low-calorie girly margarita mix, and snag a cheesy gig to ice skate on TV all in a span of a few years, massive breakdowns are inevitable. That’s okay, though, you have enough money to pay for therapy and even have your sessions broadcast on cable TV, too.

NeNe Leakes – “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” “Celebrity Apprentice”
The name of the game is tough love, son. If your deadbeat child is seemingly taking advantage of all the hard-earned money you’ve worked for, kick him out and lash him with endless verbal grenades! That’ll teach him! Other ways to show you’re in charge and in control: Shout insults before thinking! Flash your plastic surgery badge with pride! And always carry around your “street game” because you never know when you might need to whoop somebody’s ass! Gotta protect Numero Uno, biatches!

Christina Aguilera – “The Voice”
Getting a divorce, fluctuating in weight, and having the po-po stop you for being an inebriated zombie with your new boy toy—well, since those are all kind of prereqs for being a true diva—you’re forgiven. And when your next gig entails 15 million pairs of eyes watch you pick yourself back up, jump into the judge’s seat to help people follow their dreams, and give a network a much-needed prime-time hit, you’ve hit a high note! Everybody loves a comeback story, right?

Joan Rivers – “Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?”
Being a comedic legend (and a walking ad for extreme plastic surgery) can be a curse sometimes, especially when it makes your only child feel so talentless and insecure. Awww. So how do you remedy such a power-struggle of a relationship? Be your normal overbearing self and move in with your daughter, tell her whom she should marry, how she should raise her kid, and try to get her to pose for a porn video for kicks. That’ll really help her get over her mommy issues.

Cindy Barshop – “Real Housewives of New York City”
You can have it all and keep your secrets, thank you very much. For the tough, downtown business woman who’s so over waiting for Mr. Right, go ahead and pull out your cash for that in-vitro, pop out twins in your 40s, and keep the baby daddy’s identity a secret! Why the hell not? It’s your life and you play by your own rules.

Alexis Bellino – “Real Housewives of Orange County”
Giving props to the Man Upstairs while busily worshiping your husband, running after your children (so they don’t disturb daddy), embarking on a clothing line venture because you have nothing better to do, and acting ferociously entitled make for the best co-dependent Mommy ever!

Kris Jenner – “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”
When you have a lot of children and they all happen to look dark and mysterious, then it’s time to sell them off to Hollywood, become their “Momager,” and make millions! Just about any endorsement will do, and the key is to take advantage of your daughters’ junk—upstairs and downstairs! It’s a great way to live vicariously through their fame and to party and act their age. Yippie!!!

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If you were to ask “Real Housewives of Atlanta” star NeNe Leakes how she feels about her “Celebrity Apprentice” cast mate Star Jones, don’t expect her to respond with her cryptic “Bloop! Bloop!” exclamation. Honey chile, she’s got a lot more to say than that!

“She is bossy, she is manipulative, conniving,” Leakes states on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” which airs on Wednesday. “And I’m not even being funny. I think that is real. I honestly think that is who she is.”

Although the reality star claims she came onto Donald Trump’s show “with no preconceived notions” of Miss Jones, she thinks her nemesis was full on judging her with a capital ‘J.’

“I think she had preconceived notions of who she thought I was just from watching me on the ‘Housewives,’” she tells Ellen. “I think she thought I was going to come in and take over. I tried to get to know her. Some people are difficult to get to know. She’s not easiest person to get to know. She is a disaster.”

Unlike NeNe, Star’s been trying to hold back on slamming her uncensored teammate. Recently, she released a statement to Life & Style, saying she didn’t want her purpose of raising money for charity on the show to be “reduced to a cliché where black women attack one another for publicity’s sake….”

So how does The Don feel about this epic battle between the divas? Earlier today, while visiting the ladies on “The View,” Donald Trump confessed that frankly, he loves it.

“NeNe is tough, and so is Star,” he says. “They go at each other; it’s unbelievable. It makes Omarosa look like a very kind, sweet woman.”

Catch the NeNe-Star Slam-A-Thon on “Celebrity Apprentice” this Sunday on NBC at 8/7c.