Marc Royce

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Amid televised break-ups, scandals, and unrelenting tabloid gossip, you’d think that almost everyone within the ‘Bachelor’ family would remain single and spawnless forever. Well, okay, that might still be true, but in this case, not so! Drum roll…Former ‘Bachelor’ contestant Melissa Rycroft is preggies!

“It’s the most wonderful surprise in the world,” tells Rycroft to US Weekly. “It’s such a blessing.”

The co-host of the upcoming ‘Bachelor Pad’ says she was initially “in shock” because she and hubby Tye Strickland “weren’t even trying.” But now that reality has set in, the 27-year-old TV personality—who was infamously dumped by ‘Bachelor’ Jason Mesnick last year but then went onto being a fan favorite on ‘Dancing With the Stars’—claims she’s “eating everything in sight” and hopes to have a boy, while daddy-to-be is aiming for a girl.

“Knowing me, I’m going to swell and gain 90 pounds. But it’s not about me anymore!” she says.

Baby Rycroft-Strickland is due in February.

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

If Scott Disick is a pastel-lovin’ narcissist psycho—as we’ve been seeing more evidence of in ‘Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami’—then what exactly does that make his Baby Mama, who seems to make a bad habit of taking him back?

“It’s a whole different world now that I have a child,” Scott told People this past weekend. “And, yes, I have grown up quite a bit.”

Oh really, Mr. Pink in Paisley? Considering that you’re boozing it up til 6 in the morn with your homeboys every night, Khloé believing ‘you have murder in your eyes,’ and your own woman guessing your blood type is Patron — we beg to differ.

In this week’s upcoming Kardashian installment, which is appropriately entitled ‘Man in the Mirror,’ expect to see a ballistic Scott fist-pumping bathroom glass when Kourt threatens to kick him out unless he gets professional help for his bubbly lovin’ ways! For those of you who are squeamish—Beware! There Will Be Blood!

So does Kourtney take him back for the umpteenth time? Well, sure sounds like it, as evidenced by her recent joint interview with her Bad Boy.

“[Scott's] doing fantastic [as a father],” she said. “I love watching him with Mason.” She also added that he’s not only “very loving and sensitive” but that he’s also “obviously not a monster.”

What do you think? Is Scott fit to be a daddy or should he join the ‘bad-dad’ monstrosity of Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin?

‘Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami’ airs on Sundays at 10pm on E!

ABC

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My half-eaten burrito with Louisiana hot sauce was more filling than last night’s ‘Bachelorette: Men Tell All’ show. It was quite literally like being forced to watch the entire season rolled into two hours, with interview quotes you’ve already read online upchucked verbatim from the rejected bachies’ pie-holes.

The deluge of boredom that emanated through our screens made Justin ‘Rated R’ Rego, Craig M, and Frankensheister Neuschaefer’s absence all the more mentally taxing, and for one brief hallucinatory moment we feared that the long-lost three had been abducted by aliens and the only thing that could bring them back was Kasey’s heartfelt Backstreet Boy ditty.

Because there is nothing new to recount, let us give Pabst blue ribbons to the following victims who at least injected a few seconds of life before rigor mortis set into our gaping mouths:

Second Life
Chris N. (a.k.a. The Phantom), having rolled in a tub of spicy pumpkin juice to look exceptionally orange right before coming on the show, apparently exorcised the mute demon hiding in his mouth and replaced it with a demon of a brash sailor! His mouth was going on bleep! bleep! overdrive as he cursed and mocked Rated R, revealing a full set of pearly whites we never imagined he had. With great bravado, the former Silent One mimicked the wrestler’s gimmicky ways by revealing an underlying shirt that read ‘The Phantom,’ but we couldn’t help but be distracted by his perfectly horizontally cut bangs that we’re used to seeing on kindie-gartners. Hmmm…we kinda like the frozen-faced Chris N. better.

Dumbest Quote Twice Over
Chris N. on Rated R: “He self-promoted himself!”

Most Improved in Looks
The Audience. The cameras gave much love to the audience, which consisted no longer of Mary Kay consultants with too much Neutrogena tanning spray on like seasons before—but rather of nicely coiffed cougars with halter tops, two minorities who were paid to diversify the audience, and even a few men, who indicated their heterosexuality by the look of misery strewn across their faces.

Same Jacket, Different Color
Who knew that the Weatherman’s white 80s ‘Members Only’ jacket we saw earlier in the season was a reversible H&M black patent leather get-up? Oh, by the by, was it me or was he wearing Revlon blush in Desert Sahara?

Best Entertainer of the Night
Kasey! His new tune for Ali was epic — it was like watching the forces of 98 Degrees, New Kids on the Block, All-4-One, and The Backstreet Boys explode into one vibrato-laden Kermit. Still half-frozen from being abandoned on the mountain caps of Iceland, Kasey stayed true to Numero Uno by staying off his meds and saying ‘guard and protect your heart’ a couple hundred times. The tattoo was just icing on the cake. He da man!

Best Cheesy Quote
Kasey: “Ali had a lot of bad memories — she had a bad memory with Frank and with Justin. I don’t want to be a bad memory in everyone’s mind; I want to be a good memory in everyone’s heart.”

Best Hair Extensions
When tattletale Jessie Sulidis scurried to the hot seat to tell her story about how she ratted out Rated R, we couldn’t help but wonder how her hair extensions managed to possess more volume than her brain.

Most Boring Personality
Captain Kirk. You’d think growing up with a daddy who loves to mount dead furry creatures (that doesn’t sound right) and with a mommy who wears headgear at night would make a guy interesting, but in this case, nope. But hey! That might be why Kirky and Jessie are reportedly giving each other bedroom eyes.

Top Yapper
Repeating — and at times embellishing — the same smack he said about Rated R from previous interviews, Craig R. yapped the night away, trying to show off some Man Code in a sea of metrosexuality. But all he essentially revealed was a full set of fangs that horrifically resembled those of Penny the Clown in Stephen King’s ‘It!’ (Just ‘Google Image’ it if you don’t know what I’m taking about.) In the meantime: Ahhhhh!

Sluttiest Moment #1
We enjoyed watching Chris Harrison’s Phil Donahue moment as he dove into the audience and up a couple steps with mic in hand to a long-maned brunette who was on the verge of showing off her best lecherous stink eye to Craig R.: “Would you resolve issues with Justin in an oil wrestling match? And can I be your cheerleader?” We’d rather her just do the stink eye and stop speaking.

Best Halloween Costume
Trick or treat? When Ali pranced out in a body-hugging disco ball along with that bird’s nest in her hair, we knew she was poisonous eye candy for the hungry wittle boys across the way!

Sluttiest Moment #2
Preview for the ‘Bachelor Pad’!

Until next week’s Final Rose, I bid you farewell, my ABC-watching fiends!

ABC

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Kirk DeWindt may have gotten the shaft from Ali Fedotowsky on ‘The Bachelorette,’ but by the time he interviewed with reporters two weeks ago, the Midwestern blondie was ready to get back in the saddle again. “I’m single and I am now exploring the dating world. It’s flattering: I had a good response and when I’m out and about, people are great. But I’m excited to get back out there, to be honest with you,” he said.

Have you blinked yet? POOF! Kirk has apparently wasted no time at all, as he’s now dating Ali’s former ‘Bachelor’ contestant rival, Jessie Sulidis, who’ll be starring in the upcoming spinoff ‘Bachelor Pad,’ People reports.

You may recognize Jessie from her guest appearance this season as the rat-sniffing sleuth who revealed Justin ‘Rated R’ Rego’s two-timing ways to Ali. (Guess she also knows how to sniff-out former mold spore victims, too)…

“[Kirk and Jessie] met at the ‘Men Tell All’ then went to the afterparty and exchanged numbers — and a kiss,” says an anonymous source. And the Nordic King is said to be going that extra mile for the mousey brunette. “He’s driving up to Canada this weekend to see her so they can get to know each other. Everything is hush-hush right now because they don’t know what will come of it. But he is definitely over Ali!”

High-fives to Kirk and Jessie if they find transnational love. We just hope that she knows about the dead frozen zoo her new beau grew up with.

ABC

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Straight men of America: Have no fear of your turtlenecks! According to ‘Bachelorette’ Ali Fedotowsky, they don’t take away from your love for the ladies…well, at least in ‘Bachelor’ Jake Pavelka’s case.

“Just because he wears really nice turtleneck sweaters does not mean he’s gay!” exclaimed the 25-year-old when she appeared on ‘Lopez Tonight’ earlier this week.

But we can’t help but wonder: What if he wore a pink turtleneck? Our gaydar will stay in hibernation mode until he wears one, but for those on Team Jake-Is-Gay, they can rest assured that they’ll always have a gazillion internet rumors to back up their suspicions.

Regardless of whatever you (and Vienna Girardi) believe, Miss Fedotowsky has said her peace on the subject and is focusing on more important matters, like which yummy hunny to choose from — Roberto Martinez or Chris Lambton? And no worries for her here: These two straight dudes are just really sensitive by nature.

Since we’ve remained quiet on the subject, for well….oh two weeks, we want to know if you think Ali’s assessment on purty boy Jake is correct. We know you’re dying to talk about it again…

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

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Last night’s ‘Bachelorette’ was definitely a soap opera: there was beauty(!), romance(!), and a lover’s betrayal(!). And it was the betrayal that served as the ultimate buzzkill for Ali Fedotowsky’s growing mojo at finding a hubby.

We caught up with Miss Sunshine to get into the nitty gritty about how she feels about Frank Neuschaefer’s naughty act and what the truth is behind all those tabloid rumors.

Did you watch the show last night? What was it like seeing what you went through with Frank?
I absolutely did. It was hard—it was really hard. I felt like I almost relived it a little bit. Of course, I got hundreds of texts from family and friends…and I was like, ‘Thanks! I could’ve used the support three months ago!’ But right now I’m really happy and moved on, and even though it was emotional to watch, I shut the TV off at the end of the night and smiled and thought, ‘Thank God he left!’ I’m so much better off for it…and everything happens for a reason.”

Are you still angry with him? Do you think he’s worse than Justin?
I think that Justin’s intentions were worse, but I actually think what Frank did and the effect he had on me was much worse. It’s hard to say who is the bigger villain. I don’t have any ill feelings towards Frank — I only have positive things to say about him. But I do think Frank came on the show knowing he wanted to come home to his girlfriend, and I don’t really think she was an ‘ex’ as much as he said she was. I feel a little angry he stayed as long as he did. He kept saying ‘I wanted to figure out ‘Was it you? or Was it her?’ And I was thinking, ‘Frank, you are not the Bachelor! I’m the one trying to figure out ‘Is it him? or Is it him?’ I feel like he did what was best for him in the end, but he did it at my expense.”

Do you think fame played a part in him staying on the show as long as he did?
That’s a hard question. To be frank — no pun intended — yes, I do. He said in one of his things, ‘When I make it to the final four that is one thing—now it’s the final three!’ I’m thinking why are you looking at this in numbers? You should be here to be number one! Why are you looking at it as getting farther in the competition?”

What can we expect from the Men Tell All show next week?
Girls can dish some drama, but guys can dish it out, too! I don’t know what’s going to be shown yet, but I think they’re gonna pull out some pretty funny stuff.

There have been so many differing tabloid reports about what happens in the end — some say you’re engaged while others are saying you’re devastated. What do you have to say about them? Are there any that you can tell us that are flat-out lies?
The one that says I’m ‘devastated’ is a flat-out lie because I’m very happy right now! I’ve seen [one report] that says I’m heartbroken and alone [but] I am definitely not unhappy! I’m feeling very good about where I am in my life right now, and I feel good about the decision I’ve made.”

If you could do the process all over again, is there anything you’d change?
Definitely not. Maybe if I ate a little healthier [laughs] I did not eat healthy in that three-month long trip! But in terms of the decisions I made and the things that I did, I really would not do anything differently.”

ABC

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With my Tahitian Noni juice in hand, I toasted last night’s episode of ‘The Bachelorette’ to poor broken-hearted Ali-cakes. For last night was not just an ordinary boring installment of her hunt for the right man, but rather, it revealed the harsh realities of finding love — not only amid a jungle of insincere fame whores — but also with emotionally handicapped ones like Frankensheister. Could his deeds be as bad or worse than Rated R’s?

While this Tahitian experience was supposed to be a paradisiacal dream—both visually and physically (hello, overnight dates!) for the love-hungry Giggle Princess—it became a cesspool of betrayal of the highest retail fashion order!

Before my body explodes with Noni juice, let us recap this Paradise Lost!

Saved By the Bell–Chicago Style!
What happens when you find yourself experiencing a late quarter-life crisis along with a heinous case of PMS? You mutate into Frank.

Drunk with confusion and emotions exploding like great balls of fire, our dear Frankenberry takes a visit to his beloved and mysterious ex-gf, Nicole, to see if his nether regions still flutter for her. He walks through what looks like a college dorm and out peeps a super young brunette. “Like, what is going on?” she blurts out Valley Girl-style.

Once we get a closer look at Lady Love, we realize who the bespectacled Master of Disaster is in love with: Alas! It’s Screech with a flat-ironed wig on!

Frank: “I’ve been seeing another babe.”
Nicole (takes out her retainer): “Like, I hate the idea of you falling deeper for someone than myself.”
Frank: “I wanted to see if my feelings would change this late in the game because I like to create emotional craptastrophe…I wanted to see if we had the spark that we had before.”
Nicole: “Without you I’m not happy…you complete me. You need to come home and kiss my elongated nostrils, like, forever and ever.”
Frank (to the camera): “I’m gonna live happily ever with Screech! But first I must break Ali’s heart and get a tan in Tahiti!”

Cha Cha Cha!
Not only is Ali excited about being in the breathtaking sapphire waters of Tahiti, but she’s also looking forward to snagging some luscious STDs with her metrosexualities on the overnight dates! Act Uno: It’s time with Oooh, Roberto!

The lovely pair jump into–what else?–a helicopter(!) and land on a heart-shaped lagoon to frolic in the waters in scantily clad swimwear. While they’re busy sucking each other’s faces off, the camera pans over the crystal-studded ocean, and there, off in the distance, we see the most beautiful sight ever: Chris Harrison snorkeling with the producers…

At dinnertime, Ali—excited that it’s THE NIGHT with Roberto—dresses up in a mini bubble dress with clam-like cups suctioning her womanly endowments for her lover to salivate over. They talk about nothing and then suddenly she gets serious.

Ali: “I get nervous, too.”
Roberto: “I got something to tell you because I don’t know when I’ll see you again…and it’s going to take a long time for me to say this because I want to drag this out on national TV…because all that matters is that I keep you on your toes begging for more…okay, I’ll just come out and say it: I’m falling in love with you…”
[Slobbering ensues]
Ali: “I have something for you.”
Roberto: “Whatever could it be?”
Ali: “It’s from Chris Harrison. He wants to know if he can join us for some Action Jackson!”
Roberto: “Si, my orange Señorita!”

And with that, the two hungry lovers wade through shallow water to reach a mosquito-infested luxury suite, seductively clad with IKEA 100 thread count duvet covers. They strip down—and what we cannot speak of takes place…

Oyster of a Relationship
Off Chris L. and Ali go on a catamaran adventure! They exchange seashell necklaces and bask in the sunlight, discussing Chris’ obsession with his family while intermittently slurping each other’s faces, like wicked-hard. The two Mass. natives jump into the water and reach the shore, which suddenly prompts Ali to go on a killing spree, tearing apart oysters she doesn’t intend to eat! Chris L. calms her down by showing her shiny pearls that he’s found inside the mouths of her victims. “The pearls remind me of my relationship with Chris…it took some time to grow and has now become something beautiful and slimy,” she coos.

Because she knows she’s going to pick Roberto in the end, Ali decides to dress down in an outfit she bought from a Chico’s catalog. She takes Chris to dinner and they get drunk on pink girly tropical drinks. Yet even getting his buzz on, Chris still manages to talk about his family.

Ali: “If you could change anything from this trip, what would it be?”
Chris: “Spend more time with my family.”

Pitying before she ultimately rejects him, Ali invites the spastic mush pot back to “Fantasy Suite 54.” Apparently, ‘Try Before You Buy Return” is gal pal’s motto. Love Injection takes place, but we shall not speak of it! Blast your dirty minds!

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
“I’m in one of the most beautiful places in the world…and I’m one of the ugliest souls in it,” proclaims Frank (well, at least the first part) as he sails to Ali’s bungalow where he will admit his dirty, twisted deed.

Because he’s a child and needs some parental direction, Frankenstein first goes to Chris Harrison and confesses his emotionally schizophrenic self-absorbed journey at having discovered his resurrected love for his Midwest Valley Girl. Stifling his laughter and donning the most serious face he can muster, the host tells the freak he must be upfront with Ali. The bone-chilling convo happens like so:

Frank: “Ali, we need to talk.”
[Tears already streaming down her face like Niagara Falls]
Frank: “We’ve had a great connection…but there was something that was holding me back…basically, it was unresolved feelings for men an ex-gf. It was only until the hometown date that I had to deal with my feelings. The second I saw Nicole, all of these ‘Saved By the Bell’ memories flooded my mind. Ali, I’m sorry.”
Ali (voice getting whiner and higher): “If you were having all these feelings about her, why didn’t you say something to me?! I just cannot believe this, right before we were gonna boom shaka laka!
[Frank weeps with regret.]
Frank: “If I would’ve taken my meds sooner, I would’ve told you sooner. I didn’t want to leave–I was falling in love with you…plus, I knew the deeper we got, the better my next screenplay would be!”
Ali: “It was so selfish of you to have done this! I gave up everything to be here!”
Frank: “I gave up everything to be here, too…”
Ali (shooting back): “I gave up FACEBOOK, you bumlicka–you gave up the Gap!”

And with that, the two star-crossed lovers hug goodbye…while somewhere in podunk Canada, Rated R is throwing his popcorn up in the air and laughing his heiny off…

Floral Acceptance
Now that Ali feels thoroughly humiliated and rejected by her number one man, she’s on a rampage to make sure her last two lovebuds make a conscious decision to accept her petals. She tells Roberto and Chris that Frank has left for personal reasons and that she knows he’s a manipulative Neanderthal.

The two happy men accept their roses, while we notice Oooh, Roberto! acting a bit more giddy since he knows Chris L. doesn’t stand a chance to his irresistible John Travolta-dimpled chin. Ali tells them they will meet her Fockers in Bora Bora!

Highlights from Next Episode
The Men Tell All! Poofaunt Craig M! Strung-out Lil Weatherman! Inked Kasey! Slimy Rated R! Frog-faced Frank! Fight! Fight! Fight!

ABC

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Reality dating show rumors. They’re delish for ratings but not for the contestants, and for ‘Bachelorette’ Ali Fedotowsky, the gossip ish has hit the fan. The questions is: Which rumor is true, dadgummit? Here are a few juicy stories that’ll get your BS meter swaying…

Last Wednesday, InTouch Weekly reports through sources that Ali’s “devastated” by the outcome of the show and is betrayed not only by Frank Neuschaefer but also Roberto Martinez and Chris Lambton! What the FFFFF?!

While we already know that Frankenstein supposedly waddles back into the arms of his ex, Nicole Caruso, what we didn’t know is this: Oooh Roberto! had allegedly been dating a gal named Gabrielle Ortiz for a few months when–according to her–he suddenly “disappeared.” Next thing she knows he’s salsa dancing with Ali on ‘The Bachelorette!’ “I just wanted to slap him in the face. He’s just a really good liar,” she says.

And what about that syrupy sweet mama-lovin’ Chris L? Apparently, he’s not as shy as he makes out. While the Massachusetts boy may love to eat crabs, sources claim he might just have them–in his undies! “He goes to the same two bars most nights and is not shy about taking different girls home with him. It’s not just one girl. It’s multiple girls,” claims an insider.

Interestingly, a couple days later, People.com complements the story by quoting Ali as saying she was well aware of the “strong possibility” that she’d finish the show without a sparkly. End of story, right? Wrong-o.

On the very same day, UsMagazine.com makes a claim that Ali is not only “confident” in her decision but that in fact she’s engaged and eager to step out with her husband-to-be!

So who should we believe?! Well, just in case the truth ends up being that Miss Putty Tat is single, broken-hearted, jobless, and homeless, we thought of 10 imagined (i.e. comical) ways Ali could move forward and fill that gaping hole in her heart:

10. Get a puppy and eat some chocolate.
9. Become part of Patti Stanger’s harem and find love on Bravo’s ‘Millionaire Matchmaker.’ Or become a millionaire and let Patti get to pimpin’.
8. Move to LA and get a job as an account manager at eHarmony—surely, Ali would find a larger pool of exceptionally sensitive men to choose from—with a thousand compatibility questions to back her up.
7. Join a food co-op and hook up with a granola hippie–hey, at least she’d know he’d probably be the last person who’d sell his soul to a reality dating show.
6. Return to San Fran, resume her job at Facebook, and make it her personal mission to destroy Justin and Frank’s profiles.
5. Move to Chicago, get a swanky pad with newly single ‘Bachelorette’ Jillian Harris, and go to town like it’s Sex in the City.
4. Move to Chicago, get a swanky pad with newly single bachelor Ed Swiderski, and go to town like he *is* Sex in the City.
3. Embark on an Eat, Pray, Love adventure…but be careful with the Eat part.
2. Go lesbian.
1. Enlist as Al Gore’s personal massage therapist.

So which stories do you believe? Care to add to our list?

ABC

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Throughout this season of ‘The Bachelorette,’ we knew Kirk DeWindt as the blond dude with the hard bod whose buttery lips spread smoothly over Ali Fedotowsky’s…and caused the likes of Frank Neuschaefer to twitch like a muscle spasm. But after last Monday’s hometown dates, those images were but a distant memory once we discovered that he’s the son of a father who finds joy in stuffing Fluffy the Cat and of a mother whom we hoped had the option of getting Invisalign.

While we’ll never know if Kirky’s unique family dynamic contributed to Ali’s decision to bump him off the list, at least we know he’s willing to speak to reporters about his experience at almost finding love.

About Ali being introduced to the basement of death:
“I was a little nervous to see her reaction. But you know, for me, it’s normal because I grew up around it. People think it’s strange, but I’d given her fair warning. She knew what she was getting into—and I know she’s kind of a ‘roll-with-the-punches’ kind of girl.”

About moving on from the mold spore drama and getting serious about his love life:
“I was sick for quite a while and so I was just kind of focused on myself. I didn’t really have a whole lot to give because I was worried about my own health. So, as I started feeling better, I started to realize that I actually had something to give, and I was ready to take that step forward. I think developing a real relationship with Ali was one of the first times I’d done that since I knew I was healthy enough to actually move forward with my life, if that makes sense.”

About who he thinks is the man for Ali:
“In the back of my mind, I’d always thought it was Frank who would be best—obviously, I’ve seen the previews like everybody else, so that has changed my mind on that…

Frank is probably the definition of quirky, and he’s a bit neurotic in a great way. And I think that those were qualities that Ali was looking for—in my personal opinion, that Frank would be the most quirky, and kind of, maybe a little off the beaten path… I feel like maybe Chris and Roberto, they’re more of the safe bet and Frank, not so much.”

About the idea of being the next Bachelor:
“I would definitely entertain the thought of being the next Bachelor. It’s a lot to get into [but] a great opportunity as well.”

About whether or not he believes you can find love on the show:
“It’s kind of like this strange version of speed dating where she’s out with other people, so that makes it more stressful. But it’s very organic. And obviously besides the date being set up, everything happens at it is. I think real relationships are formed, and I think I would attest to that. I would imagine if I continued on the journey, it would just have gotten stronger. So, I do believe that you can actually build a real relationship out of the show.”

Bravo

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Now that we’ve been thoroughly edu-muh-cated on the thug-style approach to resolving a conflict on the ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ weave-pulling episode, it made us ponder who would win in an all-out battle: New York or New Jersey? Well, it depends. If the ladies were competing at a game of Scrabble, it’s probably safe to put your bets on the Big Apple. But if we’re dealing with a verbal smackdown or a mud wrestling contest, things get a little murky.

To make things fair, we’ve pulled out the main troublemakers from each show, divided them into groups, and put them in a ring.

Here is what we discovered in our scientific investigation:

The Mother Hens
Jill Zarin vs. Caroline Manzo

Caroline’s Muscle: “Let me tell you something about my family: We are thick as thieves,” says ‘Mommy Salami’ who dishes out a good deal of similar tough phrases that scare the bejesus out of you and make you think you’re gonna get capped. Don’t ever speak a bad word about this matriarch’s friends or family–or she will cut you off faster than you can say ‘Danielle Staub.’

Jill’s Muscle: The fellow redhead is all about family and friendship, but if you disrespect her in any way, she will make your life a living hell (ahem, Bethenny) by talking smack behind your back and trying to pit others against you. If you get up in her grill, expect to feel the wrath of her Lawwwng Island temper!

Winner: Both of these ladies have oodles of similarities, but we think Caroline gets the trophy in this match. Why? Because she’s the real deal, and the more real you are, the harder the blow! Unlike her NYC counterpart, her toughness seems to come from a place of wisdom, and she doesn’t exploit her new-found fame. Add the fact that she just lost 20 lbs, this lady has the energy and strength to TKO your heiny if you ruffle her feathers!

The Victims
Kelly Bensimon vs. Danielle Staub

Kelly’s Muscle: Her ability to enunciate so emphatically with her Steven Tyler-sized mouth hypnotizes you into thinking she’s saying something substantial, but once you realize it’s psycho babble, POOF! You still lose because she immediately resorts to weapon #2: The Al Sharpton! (It’s an equivalent to making fun of yo mama.)

Danielle’s Muscle: Her face. Those cheeks that cut like a knife and her sleepy Cruella de Vil eyes will make you tremble. Take her to the point of no return and the Goodfella’s Jersey accent busts out like a flash flood, along with gnarling turned-in lips that reveal fierce beaver capped teeth!

Winner: While both have mouths that can make your ears explode, Danielle would win in this match. Kelly has a history of attacking and then taking off like a scared Pomeranian–and while this past Monday’s episode shows Danielle uncharacteristically hiding behind stone walls, she still has that time bomb-ticking vicious killer instinct about her. Beware!

The Aggressors
Bethenny Frankel vs. Teresa Giudice

Bethenny’s Muscle: Her fierce Scorpio-stinging tongue and temper! You push her buttons (i.e. call her a ‘cook,’ ‘ho bag’ or mention ‘lemons’), and she’s off like a cheetah is to a gazelle on your behind! Do not mess with this Skinny Girl–she doesn’t care if you’re six feet tall. She’ll bite!

Teresa’s Muscle: She’s from Paterson, NJ, biatches. Underneath that sweet demeanor and two-inch tall forehead is a sensitive girl who doesn’t like to be reminded that she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. You make her look like an idiot or worse–throw out the word ‘foreclosure’–and she will toss over tables like a magic trick gone bad and tornado through like the Tasmanian Devil wrapped in a chinchilla shrug!

Winner: This is a really hard one. The difference between these two divas is where their rage comes from. Bethenny’s toughness is a byproduct of a jacked up childhood. Teresa’s anger is from being raised in the hood and failing Civility 101…and well, a lot of academic junior high courses. If we had to pick, we might just have to give the ribbon to Teresa. Her ability to go from sweet to ballistic in a nanosecond is enough to categorize her as a dangerous wild chimp.