ABC

Do you believe in Belize? Benjina does! Ben takes his remaining six women to the Central American country in the hopes of finding four of them to go on hometown dates with! Unfortunately, despite the warnings of some of the ladies, Ben ends up letting his love loins do the deciding!

Relieved that all of the one-on-one dates don’t have the make-or-break roses attached to them, Lindzi gets to enjoy her entire date with Ben! He takes her on a helicopter ride that gives them tangled fros and tells her they’re going to jump from the helicopter down into a watery grave called the blue hole! They passionately kiss one more time just in case they die and then take the plunge! Although a great white keeps his mouth open in hopes of getting a bite of one of their chicken thighs, the poor shark misses and retreats towards Chris Harrison, who’s tanning buck naked while doing downward dog on a piece of drift wood.

For dinner, Ben and Lindzi sit near the ocean on hard wooden boards that leave permanent impressions on their badonka donks. With his robotic voice, Ben asks her if she’s ready for him to meet her parents, and she predictably says yes. To cheeseball it out, the Geico Caveman suggests that they write a story about each other and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper that—unbeknownst to him—was used as a Kleenex by one of the ABC interns an hour ago. Despite it being gooberlicious, Ben folds the paper into a glass bottle and tosses it out to sea as the couple dip their feet in the water. Despite Lindz having coral-colored hammertoes from years of running barefoot alongside horses, Ben’s entranced with her cuteness and proceeds to gulp down her bottom lip…along with the pimple at the corner of her mouth that she refuses to put ProActive on.

For his next date, Ben takes Emily on a bike ride into town and gives condescending glances to the locals. They drink coconuts, play basketball, and force merchants to give them jewelry at half price. But stomachs are beginning to grumble! Ben and Em walk over to the local lobster mutilator and begs him for a couple sea creatures for dinner. The mutilator refuses and tells them that if they’re gonna eat lobster, they’re gonna have to catch ‘em themselves!

And with that, the duo dives into the water, and after some mishaps, (like lobsters almost clamping off Ben’s left family jewel), they finally get their live catch! Meanwhile, some of Courtney’s 6-inch long eyebrow hairs turn gray at the thought of Ben’s tongue having lusty seizures in Emily’s mouth…

But unfortunately for the rest of the girls, Courtney gets the final individual date. When she leaves the hotel to meet Ben, a collective sound of throw-up fills the air. No matter, Ben takes his Maneater to a Mayan temple, and after walking up countless temple stairs to find a nice shadeless area where they can develop melanoma, Courtney begins to complain about not feeling special enough and threatens to not take him to meet her parents. Ben freaks out and begins to compliment her profusely. They continue to climb to the top of the temple as the heat beats down on them and thus, develop a major case of swamp ass. Regardless, because she knows she’s manipulated him fully, Courtney happily says she’s found the spark again with him and makes him the happiest nerd in the world!

At dinner she tells Ben she’s ready to bring him home to her parents but then quickly wastes no time in dissing the other women, saying they’re superficial, boring, and unimpressive. For a split second, his brain and conscience begin to work together, and he wonders if she’s Rosemary’s Baby.

Early in the morning, Ben wakes up Rachel, Nicki, and Kacie B. for their group date, which has a rose up for grabs! Shocked at being woken up by their Romeo, their retainers pop out of their mouths! They rush to shave their pits and legs and slip into their bikinis!

Ben takes them on a catamaran and tells them they’re going shark diving! Kacie and Nicki scream with delight, while Rachel freaks out and wins Ben’s attention.

The girls plop into the water amid countless sharks, but the dangerous creatures swim away for dear life as bubbles rage out of Ben’s swimming trunks…

At lunch, he decides to turn to the least heavily chested girl out of pity and chooses Kacie as the rose winner—a guarantee of meeting her folks, whom we assume are also advanced baton twirlers! All three girls agree they want him to be happy and then diplomatically warn Ben about Courtney.

Fresh from getting orange from his tanning-in-the-nude exploits, Chris H. confidently moonwalks into the cocktail party to reveal there won’t be one! Ben knows which two girls he wants to reject!

When he walks in, he pulls Courtney aside and asks if she’s really there for him. She says yes and proceeds to act like a shy toddler. Because his package wants her package, Benjaboo immediately know what he’s going to do: He gives her a rose!

The two ladies he rejects is Emily (because she’s smarter than him) and Rachel (because he can no longer tolerate her bangs competing with his).

Highlights From Next Episode
Time to meet the Fockers! Unseemly straddling! Mom Fockers with men’s haircuts! Disapproving Dad Fockers!

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ABC

Ben takes the ladies out to Panama City, Panama, where the buildings are shaped like glass-filled va-jay-jays! Besides hoping his 8th grade haircut grows out, Ben surprises everyone with a date!

First up, Kacie B. They land on a stranded island, and Ben gets in touch with his inner Neanderthal and machetes a coconut imagining it’s J.P. Rosenbaum’s head. At dinner Kacie B. confesses she used to be bulimic and anorexic in high school, which compels Ben to feed her the rose. She’s so excited, she decides to celebrate by throwing her head into the nearest toilet.

On the group date, Ben takes the girls on the river, and they visit half-naked village people. The village women distribute beaded bras to the ladies to place over their bikini tops, but Courtney decides to reveal her Satanic areolae, which happen to be bright red with horns. Ben shows up in a loin cloth…the wind blows, and a few of his curly nether region hairs fly into the girls’ faces.

The villagers give them melted bat droppings to drink and allow them to paint each other’s bacne (back acne). Everyone is forced to dance barefoot while leeches suck on their big toes.

At dinner, while Ben is stealing grapes from the hotel’s garden for his vineyard, Emily apologizes to Courtney, but the latter says she’ll never forgive the anti-fungal PhD student. Ben comes over amid the negative tension and decides he’s ultimately in the mood for creepy face-hiding: He offers Lindzi the rose!

The dreaded two-on-one is between Blakeley and Rachel. Ben takes them salsa dancing, and the two ladies battle it out with their best hip-shaking and pelvic thrusts! Overly confident Blakeley smiles wide as she wraps her orange stick leg around Ben…he stares at her and sees his entire body’s reflection in her skyscraper teeth.

At dinner Rachel keeps it honest, but Blakeley thinks that her having an “I-love-gorilla-men” epiphany is enough to rock Ben’s world. To add to the cheese factor, she pulls the journal card and shows him her skills in using magic markers.

In the end, he gives Rachel the rose, and a shocked Blakeley gallops off! He runs after her and explains he can’t date a cocktail waitress who sometimes looks like a Sagittarius (half horse, half man).

Because he has something against Paris Hilton look-alikes, Chris Harrison stops by the ladies’ pad and confronts Kasey S. He tells her he’s discovered she’s still in love with her ex, but she says she can’t go back to him because he won’t put a ring on it. The host takes her to Ben, and she explains that although she’s still in love with her ex, she wants the white picket fence and a Neil Lane sparkly, which he’s willing to offer her. Ben’s nostril flares in disgust, and he orders her to go home. With the cameras panned inches away from her face, Kasey does a massive ugly cry that shows she even went through the trouble of bleaching her teeth more than Jessica Simpson. While Chris H. hugs her really tight so she can’t see he’s about laugh his heiny off, the producers order Ben to go out and do a balcony pose.

During cocktail time, prudish Jamie decides to get raunchy to avoid Ben from dissing her horrible eyeshadow techniques and dwelling on her linebacker trapezoids. She starts purring bedroom talk and suddenly straddles Benjina and stuffs her tongue down his esophagus. She then tries to be an instructional guide to kissing, and because Ben knows he pecks like a 5th grader, he’s thoroughly insulted but pretends to have a sense of humor.

In the end, Ben rejects Miss Instructional Kissing Guide, and she cries off her glittery eyeshadow.

Highlights For Next Episode
Belize! Coral-colored hammer toes! The girls warn Ben about Courtney!

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ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Last night’s “Bachelor” was full of emotional mountains and valleys as the gang took off to Park City, Utah, into the breathtaking great outdoors.

But the scenic landscape gave way to fuglified cat scratching as Courtney’s manipulative ways to snag Ben began to make eyeballs roll and jealous tempers boil—most notably from epidemiologist Emily. (And let’s just say she got enough angry material for a second gangsta rap to be well underway!)

Check out how things got dirty right quick:   

Silence Is Golden Blond
For his first individual date, Ben takes Rachel on a canoe and picnic date in the mountains! He paddles across the river, and the two blankly smile at each other as the sun sets and the mosquitoes swarm around them in a throng of celebration. After Benjina dives in for an unnatural kiss, they end up on the other side of the lake staring at each other again with nothing to say; instead of conversation, Rachel lets her diamond nose ring twinkle in the sunlight to communicate how much she likes Ben.

At dinner, the two keep staring at each other in silence until Ben tries to force Rach to open up. To distract him but at the same pretending to be vulnerable, she talks about having a rough time opening up while not having to actually open up. Ben falls for it while admiring her bangs and then gives her the rose. They go outside and roast marshmallows and burn their tongues, which gives Rachel another excuse for not talking to him.

Something Smells Fishy
Jamie, Kasey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney are summoned by Sir Ben-ja-lot to accompany him on a group date.

Riding on a horse and letting the wind flow through his extra-conditioned hair, Ben reminds the girls of a hunk on the cover of a trashy romantic novel…while I think he simply looks like Melissa Rivers with shorter hair.

They all jump on horses and ride over to their next activity: fly fishing! The girls are forced to wear the appropriate baggy attire, albeit looking like long lost members of the 90s hip hop group Bell Biv Devoe.

As the rest of the girls dumbly focus on catching fish, strategizing Court shimmies her way into getting alone time with Ben. Lindzi notices the two going off together and decides to infiltrate their good time, which forces the lip-eating brunette to resort to Plan B.

When no one’s looking, Courtney gives a quick wink, and from a distance, we see Chris Harrison giving her a thumbs up while releasing fish in her vicinity. Moments later, she exclaims she’s caught a fishie! Lindzi looks on with disappointment and proceeds to hide her face in her hair like she always does. Ben frolics to help Court with her catch, while the girls decide how they might be able to smash the fish in her face later on.

Wittle Samantha Gets a Permanent Time Out
At dinner Ben wears flip flops. I repeat: Ben wears flip flops. And coincidentally, the girls lose their appetite at the same time.

Nicki tells Ben how thankful she is about being on group dates. Moments later, Samantha interrupts the two and complains about being on group dates and not on any one-on-ones. Turned off by her juvenile tantrum, Ben decides to talk to her like a baby since she’s acting like one. He tells her that she’s been super emotional on all the group outings and that he questions her motivations. As she sits there stunned (looking like SNL’s Cherry Oteri), he reams into her and says he continues putting her on group dates because her actions seem like she’s not taking the process seriously and that he’s watching her like a hawk. Suddenly, The Hawk decides she’s gotta go. He kicks her to the curb, and she’s forced to leave!

Ben takes Courtney aside, and she essentially reiterates Samantha’s message: She’s not feeling special. Immediately, Ben’s package droops in dismay, and instead of telling her to hit the road like he did with Sam-Sam, he quickly offers her the rose. The girls go cross-eyed in disbelief, and Blakeley’s teeth fall out.

Falling in the Deep
Ben asks Jennifer (a.k.a. The Best Kisser in Da House) to be his second one-on-one date. He takes her to a deep crater full of water and tells her they are going to drop into it in search of a shortcut to China.

Shivering, Jen repels down with Ben, and because he secretly needs to go to the bathroom, he decides to unhook the rope asap—SPLASH! They fall into the water. As they backstroke side by side, Jen feels something warm on the side of her body but tells herself it’s just a warm current. (Ben’s eyes nervously dart side to side.) As a distraction, he makes out with her, and they doggie paddle with joy.

At dinner their convo gets interrupted by a major downpour, and they reluctantly flee from their carnivorous plates of Filet Mignon. Regardless, Ben gives her the rose and then takes her to a Clay Walker concert. She laughs all night long, and Ben dances with her…wishing he were prancing around with Courtney…

Winning!—Unfortunately
Cocktail time! Among all the girls, Emily becomes most annoyed with Courtney’s hypocrisy and wants to warn Ben. Without thinking it through, Em tells Ben that Court is bad news. He flares his nostrils in denial and warns her not to focus on other people.

She goes back inside with her tail between her legs but continues to confide in the girls that Courtney is Satan with long-haired eyebrows.

Kasey S., who apparently is the only worshipper of the model, goes off and tells her about Emily’s gripes and how she talked to Ben about her fake ways. Courtney freaks out and shows her anger by contorting her mouth east and west and sucking on her own lips like a baby’s binkie.

“I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows in the middle of the night,” says Courtney to Kasey S.

Later on that night, Courtney decides to get under Em’s skin. She chuckles at her and then attacks her in front of the other girls. Emily shoots back saying she’s acting like a child, but Court retorts that she’s the child and that it was in bad taste to have talked smack about her to Ben. “Winning!” exclaims Courtney as she walks away. Emily runs off to cry out her inner nerd, fearing that Benji-vicious will wipe her out like antibacterial gel does to a germ!

Bi-licious Goes Home
In the end, Ben scares Emily by giving her the final rose but gives Monica the boot. The Peg Bundy look-alike kisses him goodbye but not before telling him to slap a wet one on Blakeley for her.

Highlights From Next Episode
Puerto Rico! Emily and Courtney go at it again! Courtney takes Ben skinny-dipping in the middle of the night so they could compare who’s got the bigger manhood! Whaat?!!!

A FAREWELL NOTE:
I just wanted to send out a heartfelt thank you to those of you who’ve supported my crazy takes on various reality TV shows over the past couple years at XfinityTV. Your kind words and laughter have meant the world to me, and every sleep deprivation headache I’ve gotten was absolutely worth it!

Unfortunately, this will be my final recap of the “Bachelor” for XfinityTV since I’ve decided to take an editorial position at another company—but I’ll still be writing! Feel free to “like” me on Facebook so we can continue to ride on the same pop culture crazy train together. – eudie

Lifetime

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Even though “Project Runway” just finished its ninth season, last night’s spinoff “Project Runway All Stars” revealed it still had a few new challenges up its sleeve: Enter oink couture. Contestants were challenged to create a flamboyant cocktail dress for none other than her Muppet Highness Miss Piggy to help promote her new movie “The Muppets.”

Along with Georgina Chapman and host Angela Lindvall, guest judges Eric Daman and the Muppet Diva herself took the All Stars to task with their creations—and you better believe they took dressing Miss Piggy very seriously.

“I feel like I really do understand Miss Piggy,” said designer Austin Scarlett. “I feel that in many ways we’re kindred spirits. I myself like to pepper my conversation with little French phrases the same way Miss Piggy does. Sometimes I refer to myself as moi.”

After the designs strutted down the runway, Miss Piggy had many fashion-forward questions and comments such as, “Can you hula hoop in that dress?” and “I love that dress. It looks like a present…a present for Kermie!”

But like any true diva, the blushing Muppet had to balance her lady-like behavior with at least one karate-chopping tantrum, and this time, it was aimed at fellow guest judge Eric Daman who kept poking fun at her ears. “Hi-yahh!!!” she screamed, slamming her hoof into Eric’s chest. “Stop it with all the pet remarks!!!”

In the end, designer Michael Costello took Miss Piggy’s breath away with his dark sophisticated strapless one piece adorned with an exaggerated bow and top hat—yes, the one that looked like a present for Kermie.

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ABC

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“The Bachelor” wasn’t a cake walk this past Monday night. Not only were there scary heights to climb in San Fran but also pancake butts were getting bruised whilst skiing, and there was crying and fainting of North Korea-Kim Jung Il-ian proportions! And the biggest whopper of them all was when a mystery girl showed up at the last minute to try to woo Benjina’s heart at the cocktail party! Hint: She drains blood for a living!

Check out the deathly sequence of events right here:

Over the Top
Ben takes Epidemiologist Emily on his first one-on-one date in San Fran! Even though they’re both extremely afraid of heights, he tells her they’re both climbing to the top of Bay Bridge!

To ease them in for their dizzying trek, the instructor tells them it’s quite possible they could die on reality TV. The two are given colorful gender-identifying hard hats—blue and pink—and as they look at the climb before them, the potential lovers regret not wearing diapers. As they trudge higher and higher, Emily panics! To comfort her, Ben sucks on her lips, and although she wants to toss antibacterial in her mouth, Em decides to release her fears by screaming! Against all odds, the two finally make it to the top, despite Chris Harrison having to bring two new pairs of pants for them, along with some baby wipes.

They go to dinner, and the night lights allow Ben to show off his shimmering lip gloss (must be a metro thing). Em tells him of her horrible online dating experiences, and they exchange unmemorable niceties that makes us fall asleep with our mouths open. We wake up to find him giving her the rose, and he proceeds to peck her continuously. Suddenly, fireworks explode—not just in Benjaboo’s pants!—but also in the sky! Oh my! The girls scream with envy back at the hotel and decide to put millions of germs on Emily’s pillow.

Butt Skiing in the Summer
Ben takes Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erica, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Elyse, and Kasey S. snowskiing in the city!

Instead of mountains, Ben shows the girls a man-made snow hill in the middle of a disgruntled neighborhood! The girls strip down into their bikinis that they all happen to be wearing, and the cameras capture various-sized badonka donks and cottage cheese thighs zooming down the snowy runway! Yeehawww! Collisions and screaming and mooning abound!

At dinner, Kacie B. tortures herself by watching Benji-Poo make out with other girls. She pulls him aside, and to shut up her complaining, he makes out with her, too. He talks to Blakeley, and she confides that all the ladies hate her but her teeth distract him. Suddenly, Brittney—whom he requested his last individual date with—suddenly appears with her luggage in tow to break up the party! She tells him she’s thought a long and hard 15 minutes but realized she’s just not that into him. He looks at her uncomfortably as if passing some painful gas, but being the gentleman that he is, walks her out to the cab. Guess Grandma Sheryl was more into Ben’s man pasties than her granddaughter.

Ben returns to the dinner party, and trying to shake off his injured ego, gives the rose to nose-ringed Rachel.

Gravel Voice Wins the Last Date
The next morning Ben awakes to the smell of horse manure and takes it as a sign: Lindzi will be his replacement date! At night they hop on a trolley and eat trans-fat ice cream and drive through Chinatown. Next stop: City Hall! They walk through the dark echoey building with flashlights, and suddenly, a band emerges lip-syncing the night away! The lovebirds dance and eat each other’s mouths with delight!

After paying the band with ice cream cone crumbs, the two take off to an underground speakeasy. It’s there that Lindzi tells Ben she was horrifically dumped via text. She continues speaking, but her voice reminds Ben too much like that kid’s from “The Shining,” and it kinda freaks him out. Before he can scream “Redrum! Redrum!,” Chris H. scolds him from behind the cameras, and Ben quickly hands her the rose!

Legs of Death Threatens the Self-Esteem of the Entire Group
A mystery girl drives on the highway to the cocktail party…all we know for now is that she sounds like a Valley Girl and drives stick shift…

Suddenly, she pulls up, and we discover it’s Mortician Shawntel from Brad’s season! She decides to instill fear into the hearts of the other girls by being dead-set (pun intended) on winning Ben’s heart!

She walks through the room, and the rest of the girls begin to hop out of their thongs screaming “Who’s that girl?!” and “What’s happening?!” When Shawntel and her legs of death stand before Ben, he curses in shock and the waves in his TRESemmé hair fall flat.

Giving them no privacy, the girls crowd around the two as if they’re about to pounce on the interloper! Elyse, who apparently had a demon lodged in her throat, blurts out “Who is sheee?!!!”

Trying to look as cute as ever by squinting her eyes repeatedly, Shawntel tells Ben she believes they had made a connection (based on clandestine chats they had in the recent past off-camera). She tells him she’ll be at the rose ceremony, and he just stares at her thighs dumbfounded. Quickly, he introduces her to the group and walks off, knowing that she might get killed.

Within no time, the ladies begin to attack her. “You don’t know Ben!” Elyse screams. Shawntel tells the angry ladies nicely that if they don’t like her they’re just insecure biatches. And insecure indeed they were—even Bottom Lip-Eating Courtney begins to cry! Yahooo!

The Dangling Rose
Ben offers the first rose to Courtney; she hesitates but then accepts it—but not without calling Shawntel “What’s-Her-Butt” before she walks off. The other roses go to Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Kasey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, Samantha, and…the final rose goes to…WAIT! Erica suddenly falls to the floor (probably because she realizes she’s one of the butter faces of the group but everyone blames Shawntel instead).

After Erica gets fanned, Ben makes a speech about how wonderful the last three girls are and then decides to give the final rose to NOBODY! Shawntel, Erica, and Monica go home! THUD! Erica falls to the floor again! Jaclyn quacks off and cries her brains out! Ben walks Shawntel out and explains that although he likes her luscious gams and cherubic face, he didn’t think it was fair to the girls for her to be there. She stares at him with disappointment and rigamortis sets in her heart.

Highlights From Next Episode
Park City, Utah! Kissing in elevators! Falling butt first in caverns! Courtney acts like a jerk towards Emily and makes her cry!

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Bravo

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Maybe it was the crystal blue Hawaiian waters, the smell of coconuts amid a flirty breeze, or perhaps it was the cottage cheese-defying ways of Brandi’s bikini-clad bum that made relationships change course on last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Whatever it was, boy, were we surprised!

From Paul and Adrienne’s passionate spark of yummy-time love to Lisa’s embrace of Brandi and her potty mouth, everyone was beginning to put their guard down and nuzzle up to each other during Mauricio’s paradisaical b-day getaway…but not so much with late arrivals Kim and new man Ken.

Once the oddball couple arrived, Mauricio and Kyle wasted no time in unleashing their frustrations on Kim, whose mind was clearly in some dark corner of the pharmacy department at Walgreen’s. Although they were trying to get her to deal with her issues, Kim held onto her “gay mastiff” Ken for cover and dodged their truthiness bullets!

Check out how not to be high on life:

After a long plane ride of drooling and over-medication, Kim finally arrives with her juicy-headed man Ken. They saunter in late and take their seats alongside everyone for an outdoor dinner. Mauricio and Kyle ask Kim why they got to Hawaii so dang late, and Kim lies, claiming Ken—who’s retired—had to work. This makes her bro-in-law and sis annoyed, so Mauricio decides to push the situation by asking more questions, which agitates Kim. Kyle looks at her older half-comatose sis and says what she’s claiming is “bullsh*t.” Immediately after, Mauricio asks Kyle for a kiss, and Kim mocks them mimicking their gestures with a high-pitched whiny voice. In turn, Kyle gives her the Michael Douglas look of death.

Later in the evening, romance is in the air for the most unromantic couple Paul and Adrienne! Paul makes a toast to his wife, and after much prompting by the gang, she gives him a bit of tongue action…and we all died a little inside.

Kim gets in the mood and starts talking dirty to Ken, which grosses out Kyle so much that she gets teary-eyed. Mauricio decides to get under the weird couple’s skin and makes another toast about being honest and true to oneself. Kim blurts out: “There’s nothing to fess up with, Maurice!” (Yes, when you’re medicated, you can misuse prepositions.) Everyone downs their wine nervously, knowing that the reason why she was tardy for the party was because she was playing predator to her medicine cabinet back at home.

The next morning, everyone’s waiting for Kim and Ken so they can go on their catamaran adventure. Kyle and Lisa bang on Kim’s door and once the couple finally opens the door, they blame their alarm for not going off. Frustrated, Kyle makes the executive decision to leave the two slackers behind.

At the dock Ken and Kim realize the group’s already taken off, so they return to the hotel to eat breakfast and talk about Ken’s irritated red eyeball. Ken also threatens that he’ll attack anyone if they disrespect Kim again! She looks at him and then carries an almost incoherent conversation with her eyes closed and her voice slurring. Match made in heaven if you ask us.

Back in Beverly Hills, Taylor visits her only remaining friend Dana since the rest of the community is afraid they’ll be sued if they even dare to glance at her lip implants. The emaciated blond shows off her new bangs and begins to cry about how much she tried to save her marriage. Dana reassures her that the rest of the ladies will welcome her back into their clique in no time and that she’ll still be able to be on TV.

After Lisa adoringly examines Brandi’s dimple-less bum on the catamaran, the gang freshens up and heads out to the Four Seasons for the umpteenth Mauricio birthday-themed dinner party. Kim arrives with Ken and repeatedly reassures the ladies that it was fate that they didn’t go with them. “Everything happens for a reason,” she exclaims, while everyone rolls their eyes.

Paul, Adrienne, and Kim decide to take a stroll around the grounds and talk niceties about Ken, but because Ken’s on the defensive and is insecure that he looks like Gargamel from the Smurfs, he walks up to Paul and Adrienne and aggressively accuses them of talking smack about him. The stubby couple tell him on the contrary, but Adrienne’s so turned off by his accusations that she gives him the “I-want-to-kickbox-your-head-in” look for the rest of the night.

Once everyone gets seated for dinner, Kyle is ready to rumble. Angry at how rude and selfish Kim and Ken have been throughout the whole trip, she starts out by telling Kim that they missed out on everything. Kim brushes her off, but Mauricio chimes in that it’s a “surreal birthday dinner”—like in a bad way because Kim and Ken have messed it up.

In an attempt to get Kim to realize she’s in need of major rehab, Kyle yells across the table, rhetorically asking how she could’ve missed two planes and kept everyone waiting and waiting. “It’s not going to be dropped…you can laugh and try to blow it off…” says Kyle. Finally, Gargamel loses his juice head. “We don’t care,” he interjects in his nasal tone. Kyle jerks her neck around in anger. The two get up to leave, while Kyle blurts out, “Don’t expect their aren’t repercussions to your actions.”

The gang commences with their meal, and along with Lisa, Brandi tells Kyle to leave Kim be since she’s not ready to be helped. She also points out that it’s obvious that Ken-head is enabling Kim.

Kyle tears up. “I don’t know how to ignore the elephant in the room and act like there’s nothing wrong!”

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ABC

This article can also be found on XfinityTV.com.

Boring Benji got a hair-raising jolt of excitement on last night’s “Bachelor” when he discovered girl-on-girl hatin’ was already in full effect!

Although he had assumed bringing 18 ladies to his hometown of Sonoma Valley would be a peaceful grape-plucking experience for all, a sexually aggressive set of horse dentures (a.k.a. Blakeley) and an unnerving two-faced narcissist (a.k.a. Courtney) began to unleash their negative energy and taint the rest of the princesses’ dreamy hopes of scoring wifey points with their beloved Prince Ben-ja-boo!

Twirling Around Town
Ben chooses giggly Kacie B. (and her killah bedroom eyeballs!) as his first date! They go to the local town and play the piano together and buy Kermit lunch boxes at a toy store. Kacie runs back to the store and purchases a mystery gift—tada!—it’s a rundown used baton! She tells Ben she used to be a baton twirler when she was a kid and shows him her twirling skills. Womp womp.

The duo go to dinner and discuss how they’re both hopeless romantics. As we observe more of Kacie B., the more we realize she has an uncanny ability to contort her mouth in interesting shapes, along with the unfortunate curse of sounding less and less intelligent. But Ben-diddy is whipped! At the sight of her snaggle tooth, he gives her the covetous rose.

They walk over to a theatre, and he surprises her with something way too intimate and cheesebally for a first date: home videos of the two of them when they were both babies. The two laugh when they see Ben’s baby bum—before it had hair—but when Ben sees and hears his father, he gets teary-eyed. To distract and cheer him up, Chris Harrison pops up a row behind them and whisper screams to Kacie to get-tuh twirlin’!

Performances That Deserve the Slow Clap
Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nikki, and Jaclyn are summoned on a group date with Ben-ji-licious.

To show that he’s ready to copulate and be a good-natured family man, Ben forces the girls to perform with him in a play written by the local elementary and middle school kids. The lil playwrights get the ladies to audition and ask them to do really unsexy things like snort like a piggie, sneer like a weasel, and act like a knuckle-dragging orangutan.

Once the ladies hop into their ginormous animal costumes, locals enter the theatre to watch the performance, aptly entitled “Prince Pinot of Bachelorville.” In the middle of the play, Ben strips off his sheep costume to show his man breasts and six pack, and everyone—especially the husbands—scream with delight!

In the evening, Ben brings the gang back to their Sonoma mansion to drink, eat, and tittle-tattle, but the gals waste no time in vying for the rose! Blakeley vocalizes how much she wants it and puts enough white powder underneath her eyes to scare the girls so she can steal Ben for a spell! She takes him to the swimming pool, and they lasciviously exchange saliva: It becomes the ultimate skyscraper-to-skyscraper toothed showdown!

The rest of the ladies snarl in disgust and call Blakeley “Fakely Blakeley,” but apparently, Ben and Ben Jr. are believers! To the ladies’ horror, Ben hands Blakeley the rose!

Strike a Pose…More Like Strike a Poser
Right after Courtney unnerves some of the ladies with her underhanded I’m-hotter-than-you comments, Ben zooms off with her to the redwood forests for his second individual date.

But he’s not alone! He brings his Jack Russell Terrier named Scotch. As the trio walk through the forests, Scotch attempts to sniff Courtney’s crotch to see if she’s worthy of his master, but she’s too tall…and he’s too short. Nonetheless, he howls for help as he senses this chick’s a bad apple.

In the evening, the couple wade through Children of the Corn crops and arrive at a beautiful dinner setting. Ben delves into his yawn-worthy past, while she poses and eats her bottom lip. When he asks what her baggage is, she tells him something generic about not finding the right lover, along with being picky and having trust issues. They kiss, and she leaves her eyes open (sign of a maneater). After much smooching, Ben’s package pulsates with passion, and he gives her the rose. “Courtney does make me think big cajones big picture,” he says.

As they continue kissing on a tree swing, Chris Harrison can be seen from a distance going ballistic as Scotch is tearing up his J. Crew pants…

Nobody Puts Blakeley in a Corner (Sike!)
Cocktail party time! Samantha, who wishes she could shove Blakeley in horse manure, tries to get one-on-one time with Ben, but Blakeley starts the night off on the wrong boob (again) by stealing him away from her! Infuriated, Sammy stomps back down to the party and incites another Blakeley verbal smackdown among the women. But the hatin’ is just getting warmed up! The ladies’ get their thongs up in a bunch when they see the aggressive cocktail waitress repeatedly stealing Ben from other girls throughout the night!

While a tornado of doom encircles her, Ben grabs Jenna to examine the level of Fatal Attraction he’s dealing with…and his discovery makes him flare his sizable nostrils like excitable butterfly wings! As he lets her speak, all Jenna can manage to say is that she’s a lot like a man. Before she can change the transgender subject to livelier revelations—like she’s Alanis Morrisette’s long-lost twin sister—Mallard Duck Jaclyn steals Ben from her! Jenna walks straight into a bedroom, wraps herself under a Martha Stewart blanket, and chokes on her gushing tears.

Because the girls refuse to stop cursing Blakeley, the tall brunette quietly takes off into a room full of suitcases and squats in a corner pretending to cry…only, the cameramen know what she’s really doing: To cope with her anger, she’s secretly playing Angry Birds on her smartphone.

To his surprise, Ben discovers the drama and finds Blakeley in the corner. She quickly slips her phone in between her bazookas and pretends to look hurt and traumatized.

Rosebuds
And the remaining roses go to: Jennifer, Emily, Elise, Jaclyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Kasey S., Samantha, Monica, Jamie, and Brittney.

As for the diaries of the departed? The notable Jenna walks up to the camera and sobs and hugs herself…the show’s psychologist sets his team in motion to charge at her with a strait jacket if she begins to shake her head and pull out her over-processed hair.

Highlights From Next Episode
San Fran! Brittney’s big announcement! Mystery ex-gf resurrects to mess with the ladies’ heads! A non-important contestant faints!

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Bravo

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Last night’s return of  “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” continued where the latest drama ended: at Kyle’s marshmallow land white party. Despite all of the hubbub that Taylor and Russell’s epic dis-invite stirred up, our hearts did feel some peace at knowing that Kyle and Mauricio invited Fatburger back to their annual event.

But the party didn’t end there! Days later, the filthy rich gang decided to take off to Hawaii for one last lavish hurrah for Maurcio’s birthday. From there it ended up being Brandi’s Xanax and bikini party, which as a whole involved lots of tipsiness, cleavage, flirting, “truck driver’s mouth,” and a barely-there bikini.

But at long last, Taylor stole the show right at the final moment with her big announcement via Lisa’s Blackberry that she was leaving Russell.

Check out the sequence of events that made this episode a major case of Paradise Lost:

Let’s start out by saying: Awkward limo ride home. As Russell and Taylor leave the white party, Russell tries to turn the sour mood into honeymoon bliss when he suggests he and Tay-Tay party it up in Vegas; she just pooches her lips. Soon after, she tells him that he shouldn’t have sent the threatening email to Camille but still claims her cement-faced friend exaggerated. Russell takes it even further by saying Camille outright lied, but Taylor tells the cameras her true feelings by raising her eyebrows. “It was not a lie,” she says in a voice over.

Meanwhile, the ladies are back at the party scream-talking about what just went down, reiterating their confusion, and secretly enjoying hearing themselves talk. “We all want to support Taylor; we all want to believe she’s telling the truth, but nobody in this room knows that! And I’m not defending Russell because God forbid he did do something, but what if God forbid he didn’t?!” howls Kyle. Dana defends Taylor saying she believes she’s telling the truth…but nobody cares about her opinion.

Although the Taylor-Russell saga was a nice distraction, the attention turns back to fumbling Kim and her new beau Ken, who’s desperately hunting for her on the dance floor while shoving his entire fist in his mouth in search of something stuck in his teeth. So sexy. When he finally finds her, the two bust-a-move under the pink lights, and Kyle looks over while her face turns green. “I think she’s full of it,” says Kyle to the cameras.

Days later, the gang—sans Tay-Tay and Russell and Dana—are all at the airport waiting for a plane to fly out to Hawaii. Of course, Kim is also a no-show but not for the usual self-medicated reasons, but rather, her license is expired and she can’t seem to find her passport. Kyle considers adopting Brandi as her new sis.

Taylor goes to her therapist alone and tells him the fiasco that went down at Kyle’s white party. Annoyed that the couple didn’t discuss their problems but instead avoided talking about it for the rest of the night, the therapist seems to encourage her to leave Russell so much so that we almost envision him with imaginary pom poms. Tay admits that Russell’s email to Camille was bullying on his part, and she gets teary-eyed realizing what she must do.

Back in Paradise, Brandi’s fear of flying causes her to down some Xanax, and she’s high on life for the rest of the day—and that includes her naughty mouth. On the bus ride over to their hotel, she starts blurting out that Ken and Lisa don’t seem to get any action and then proceeds to talk about “c–ks” and “douchebags.” She adds that although she’s trying to set Camille up with this hot guy she knows, he unfortunately wants to buy a red Ferrari, which to her translates as him having a small package. Adrienne interjects, saying that her brother has a red Ferrari and he’s in no way small…and we just try to pretend we didn’t hear that last part since we’re not sure why Adrienne would have the 4-1-1 on her grown bro’s endowments.

Later that night, the crew all meet up in Kyle’s suite and tipsy Brandi (along with her set of bulging twins) decide to flirt with Lisa’s hubby Ken since his hair and low buttoned-down shirt remind her of her Duran Duran days. “Bloody hell, I’m gonna have to put out tonight,” laughs a half-annoyed Lisa. Brandi ends the night by saying that the other Ken (Kim’s boyfriend) looks like a “gay bull mastiff.” The ladies scoff at her, thinking her comment is totally inappropriate and offensive to gay bull mastiffs.

The next morning, after Brandi and Camille finish their porn poses as they lay out on the sun and get sprayed with cold water by a Hawaiian attendee, Lisa and Ken meet up with them and are shocked by how teensie Brandi’s bikini is. Lisa simply calls it “butt floss.”

As everyone waddles out to the beach where Kyle and Mauricio are lounging about, Kyle confides to Lisa that Kim’s continued delay is just ridiculous. But before they can continue ragging on the loopy gal and her gay bull mastiff boyfriend, ring! ring! ring! Tay calls her lordship Lisa, and the Brit puts her on speakerphone for all to hear. “My marriage is over,” Taylor declares. Lisa’s false eyelashes almost fall out. “There will be no fighting; the locks will be changed,” the skinny blond continues. “Honest to God…I feel so at peace.”

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ABC

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Hair fetishists, lesbians, and Grandma Sheryls everywhere were overjoyed when the season premiere of the “Bachelor” finally arrived last night.

Looking perfectly coiffed and reserved, Ben was introduced to his 25 potential juicy lollipops and discovered that even in the show’s 16th season, there were still a few surprises up the producers and the contestants’ sleeves—namely in the form of a senior citizen, a grand My Little Pony entrance, two “lesbian cream puffs,” and a PhD student who tapped into her inner 50 cent.

But while the novelties piqued our interest (and then made us swallow our barf seconds later), the conventional contestant stereotypes dominated more than all the weaves, spray tans, and teeth whitening systems you could imagine combined!

Check out how Ben-bo recovered post-Ashley and laugh your heinys off at the old and new contestant categories we uncovered:

The Grapes of Wrath
After Ben gets the emotional beat down from bang-pulling Ashley in Fiji, he decides to flee to his beloved San Fran to focus his wounded angry heart on producing superior polyphenols, letting Jennifer Love Hewitt drool over him to boost his ego, and to work on his tan and medium-sized biceps.

As his lovely montage commences, we discover his ardent love for multi-colored plaid shirts and not smiling for the camera, as well as the shocking reality that his forehead is smaller than we remembered.

And now we turn over to the ladies….

The Conventional Types
Category Hillbilly: There’s usually some country in the bunch, but Amber T. takes it to another level of podunk. She not only rifles it up in Nebraska but is determined to get Ben to eat cow testicles with her. We hope Benji  is in the habit of carrying Tabasco in his man purse.

Category Cray-Cray: Move over Michelle Kujawa and Slim Fast Melissa Schreiber, Jenna the Blogger is in da mansion! “The Overanalyst” wastes no time in expressing her emo instability and paranoia to Ben, and quickly finds an arch enemy in Monica, who is a questionable lesbianiac Peg Bundy look-alike.

Category Divorcée: Texas Nicki fits the naive peppy wittle girl who gets married at a super young age, gets divorced, thinks it’s a big deal in revealing it, and is looking to have another wedding of her dreams! Yeehaww! Sucker for love!

Category She-Man: Interesting and full of zest, Lyndsie J. is an international, cultured lady who likes to wear kimonos and show off her multi-lingual capabilities. Unfortunately, she looks like a dude…and her butt chin doesn’t help her chances. But we give her a thumbs up for her spirit and her British accent!

Category Narcissist: Courtney the Model knows she’s gorge but doesn’t realize her ego and her incessant need to tilt her head to the side as if posing bring her down a few notches…but Ben and his package are entranced..for the time being.

Category Single Mom: And you wonder where this story is gonna go. Shawn is a single mom and will keep her kid a secret for the time being. Once she makes the big reveal to Ben, we figure he’ll most likely reject her—judging the fact that single mommies don’t fare well on this show, and Benji’s gravitating toward the brunettes anyway. Plus, he just doesn’t seem like he’s looking for complicated love. The end.

Notable New Types
Category Gotcha(!): Out of desperation to toss in a surprise (and perhaps having received secret payments from Poligrip ad execs), producers mislead us to believe 72-year-old granny Sheryl wants Ben’s young, virile cajones. But nope—GOTCHA, girlfriends! She’s actually there on behalf of her hamster-cheeked granddaughter Brittney.

Category Nerd-Gangsta Rapper: Although Ben-jina looks on awkwardly as epidemiologist Emily squeezes hand sanitizer in her hands to greet her potential sperm donor, she redeems herself (slightly) when she raps about her PhD studies on diseases, vitamins, quarantine, and cleanliness. We give her bonus points for offering hand movements with lots of flava.

Category Neigh-Neigh: Equestrian Lindzi C. rides in as the final girl—on a horse, of course! Avoiding the animal’s behind just in case of hay plops, Ben quickly brings his lady down to the cobblestone and the two embrace. He secretly forgives her for smelling like her four-legged friend.

Category (Faux?) Bi or Lesbian: Maybe it’s just an act, but Monica puts the moves on Blakeley, and the two are coined “lesbian cream puffs.” Me thinks it’s just another ploy of the producers to spice things up this season. Womp womp.

Quote of the Night
“I love grandmas.” – Ben

Ben’s Degradation
Once the cocktail party’s in full swing, the ladies compromise Ben’s integrity in the following ways: They force him to wear floral Kentucky derby hats, play soccer, do manic push-ups, and pummel his mouth with candy while blindfolded. He voluntarily joins in on a honky-tonk dance with them but only because it gives him an opportunity to check out any potential dragon feet.

Crazy, Meet “Lesbian”
Jenna has beef with free-wheeling Monica, who apparently likes to mess with the nervous, crazy types. The blogger aggressively confronts the hearty blond on why she’s there if she claims she’s not into Ben. Monica cackles in her face and then shortly thereafter cuddles with skyscraper-toothed Blakeley. The two “lovers” lay on the couch in their pageant dresses, and Monica proceeds to whisper sweet-nothings in Blakeley’s ear. “You are in my life forever…you’re beautiful…and you know that,” she coos.

Later on, Jenna confronts Monica again and demands to know why the blond doesn’t like her. “I don’t know you,” Monica says with a mocking smile. She continues: “Don’t make it something that it’s not…you’re a girl, you’re here. We’re on the same terms.”

But instead of chillaxing, Jenna ups the ante by going Tampax on her. “Yeah, maybe we can share a tampon some time,” she bites back. Astounded by her remark, Monica chuckles and simply walks away. Jenna cries and runs to the bathroom to have a massive freak-fest meltdown. Before she gets there, Chris Harrison dives in like an invisible ninja and removes all the razor blades from the medicine cabinet…

First Impression Rose Goes to…
Horse-lady Lindzi C. for her memorable entrance and her genuine good-natured self. Gravel voices are kinda cool.

Best Effort of the Night
Trying his darndest not to behave like his sappy, earnest Bachelor predecessors, Ben wins a Pabst Blue Ribbon for going the anti-cheeseball route. But he still reminds us of the Geico Caveman…and he totally acts like he’s a Canuck.

And the Roses Go to:
Jamie, Rachel, Blakeley, Emily, Kacie B., Casey S., Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elise, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica, and Jenna(?!).

Highlights From This Season
Mountains! Beaches! Molesting sharks! Frenching! Stripper straddling! Girl fights! Mystery ex-gf walks in with killer Stair Climber legs! Mega perms! Buck-naked swimming! Panic attacks in pageant gowns! A girl having second thoughts?!

If you’re enjoying my “Bachelor” coverage and would like to follow my other musings, please feel free to like my new Facebook page!

Evans Vestal Ward/BRAVO

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It was a tale of litigation, drug-induced selective memory, and swollen melon heads on last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” And in the middle of all of it was hostess with the mostess Kyle and her annual white party. Oooh weee!

While many of Kyle’s unnamed guests were gleefully shimmying about in their Fantasy Island haute couture, the matriarch was having heart palpitations as she prepared to: 1) “disinvite” Tay-Tay and Russell (due to the latter’s habit of threatening to sue everyone for slander); 2) cut off Kim’s unending juvenile tirade against Brandi; and 3) avoid Kim’s new beau Ken, who was essentially unavoidable, considering his head was the size of an unusually large and juicy melon.

Check out how friendships stayed sour and went sour:

Pretending to be busy with work, Paul sits in his office—looking extra nostrilly—as he tinkers with his fax machine and waits for Adrienne to come in to tell him some bad news. When she enters the room, she tells him that Russell apparently emailed Camille and threatened to sue her for accusing him of abusing his big-mouthed wifey at Lisa’s tea party.

Sensing that this is becoming a developing trend of Russell’s, the Lioness relays her fears about the possibility of him suing all of the Housewives since Taylor has told them each at different times that he’s been abusive. “Friends don’t threaten to sue friends,” she says.

Adrienne then calls Kyle and tells her the entire situation, which makes Kyle want to run to her fridge for a jumbo-sized bottle of Imodium A-D. Although the hostess attempts to get a hold of Tay-Tay, the blond toothpick is M.I.A. Adrienne reassures Kyle that she and Paul will come, but that they’ll be out the door if things get nutty. She also adds that Taylor’s responsible for putting them in this awkward situation. Preach it, girl.

As the party gets underway, Kim and Ken eventually show up, and eyebrows raise—like, not in a good way. As per usual, Dana pops out of nowhere—sporting major 90s high school yearbook hair—and decides to show a funny pic of her and Brandi. Kim flips out when Dana mentions B’s name and threatens to break the chick’s other leg if she even catches a glimpse of her.

Moments later, cut to Kim going off on Brandi…

Standing next to her “Celeb Rehab” reality friend Jen, Brandi calmly stands in front of Kim, who’s barking at her like an annoying chihuahua. “Don’t even apologize! I won’t even accept your apology!” screams the high-on-meds-not-life blondie.

Trying to ease the high octane moment, Brandi doesn’t fight back, but Kim won’t stop swinging her pony tail and pointing her finger in B’s face! (All the while Ken and Jen just stare at each other, wondering which of them has a worse case of Ed Zachary Disease (just Google it).

“Are you kidding me?” says Brandi as Kim accuses her of being at fault for everything that went down between them. “Are you kidding meee?” mocks Kim. “It’s a shame that a pretty girl like you has a truck driver mouth!”

“I do have a truck driver mouth,” agrees Brandi. “I say the F-word all the time.” As Brandi proceeds to spray the room with F-bombs, Kyle finally interjects. Kim walks off in a huff and attempts to get her daughter to help fight off the Tall One, while the tall blond just shakes her head with pity.

When Russell and Tay’s limo finally arrives, the temporarily happy couple traipse up Kyle’s walkway, only to be stopped by Kyle, Mauricio, Adrienne, Paul, and Lisa. With tears and snot running down Kyle’s face, she can hardly say anything intelligible, so Paul takes the reigns.

He confronts Russell on his threatening email to Camille and tells him it was totally inappropriate. (Of course, Taylor feigns ignorance on the specifics of Russell’s email.) No matter, Adrienne steps in for mumbling Kyle and says she thinks it’s not a good time for all of them to be under one roof, especially considering Camille’s lawyers are advising her to avoid Russell and Tay at all costs.

“So what do you recommend?” asks Russell. “You guys should go,” replies Paul. With lips pooching out a foot from her face, Taylor grabs Russell’s hand and angrily storms off to their limo, as Kyle cries and attempts to talk to them. Everyone else follows.

Trying to lessen the drama that she created, Taylor claims Camille had blurted out “an exaggerated version” of what she told her, but Adrienne isn’t buying Tay’s new version of the story and sticks up for Camille.

After much back and forth, Russell ends the pointless and embarrassing conversation. “Just let us go,” he says calmly.

As Lisa watches the limo zoom off, she looks at Ken with exhaustion. “It’s a mess, it’s just a bloody mess,” she proclaims.

She’s bloody right.

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