‘Bachelor Pad’ Recap: Foolish Games (episode 5)

ABC

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Last night’s mentally and emotionally handicapped episode of ‘Bachelor Pad‘ reveals the kind of mealy-mouthed amateurs we’re dealing with here. Where are the conniving strategic contestants from ‘Big Brother‘ or ‘Survivor‘ when you need ‘em?! If only the half-witted single ladies knew how to think with their steel cajones rather than their easily swayed Cinderella-ey hearts, the Outsiders wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place!

I know what you’re feverishly asking: Who got voted off? Did the Dave-Kovacs-Kiptyn pinky swear stay strong? Did any of the Outsiders survive? And how many words did Melissa Rycroft speak this time?

Let us recount the sordid highlights as we Hoover SteamVac the Fantasy Suite that Kovacs and Lizzy the Lamebrain polluted…

Message in a Bottle
After begging the wardrobe stylist to make him look younger, Chris Harrison arrives on the scene in pride as he struts around in a hot cowboy plaid dress shirt! Yeee haw! Grinning, he tells the remaining four guys and seven gals that it’s time to even up the score: Three girls will be going home now! Bowls of Lucky Charms and Cap ‘n’ Crunch fall to the floor!

The gang’s elimination challenge is to play spin the bottle. Each guys spins it and chooses a girl to partner up with—whoever’s not picked, gets the boot. What a surprise! Jesse B, Kovacs, Dave, and Kiptyn let their Jimmy Deans lead them, and they choose Peyton, Lizzy the Loon, Natalie, and Tenley, respectively.

The rejected (and, well, the least interesting) gals Gwen, Nikki, and Ashley are sent packing. So much for the game plan of not shacking up with someone.

What a Catch
Chris announces that the second challenge, which buys a couple immunity and a date, comes in the form of a watery sac toss! At hearing this, the girls scream and protectively grab their implants and the guys shield their packages! No, silly gooses, it’s merely a water balloon competition!

In the end, Dave and Natalie win!

Dave Knows How to Cry?
To Dave and Natalie’s surprise, a yellow Lamborghini convertible is parked out in front of the mansion waiting for them. Screaming with giddiness, the couple zooms off at warp speed into the sunset! Vroom vroom!!! Dave is driving so fast that Natalie’s weave flies off somewhere on the Pacific Coast Highway, and they run over deer, armadillo, and a few homeless people.

With debris and smashed insects covering their faces, they park their hot ride near the coast and take sexy snapshots alongside it as if they’re shooting to be centerfolds for Chippendales and Hooters calendars.

Once the lovebirds arrive to Molly Malaney and Jason Mesnick’s former love mansion for dinner, they discuss what they’d each do with the prize money. Natalie brings up the subject of wanting to give back to her momma and poppa. Having gulped down too many bottles of Smirnoff Ice on the way over, Dave begins to get emotional as he talks about his irreconcilable relationship with his Daddy-cakes. Suddenly, we understand where his ‘roid rage comes from! Defying Man Code, he allows minuscule droplets to well up in his eyes. Natalie leans on him, and to make himself feel better, he punches her.

In the hot tub, Natalie tries to convince Dave that Kovacs and Lizzy the Lamentable are the biggest threat and should be voted off, but her muscular lover refuses to defy the manly pact that he’s made with his icicle-toothed friend.

Fantasy Suite Gets Violated
Because Kovacs and Lizzy the Lustful have never been on a couple’s date, they decide to get some Action Jackson going on and violate the clean sheets in the fantasy suite. “I want romance!” demands the manipulative faux blond, as they romp around in the sheets. After the dirty deed has been done, Lizzy tells her unrequited love that she feels foolish for offering him her secret place and insinuates she wants him to be more committed. “I love you,” she tells him. He belches and falls asleep.

Could There Be Hope for the Last Outsiders?
After shedding many tears and smudging her unsightly grey eye shadow, Peyton decides to talk strategy to convince Tenley that voting her and Jesse B. off over Kovacs and Liz would be a mistake. Tenley’s sneaky mind does ballerina twirls, and she talks to Kippy, who considers the idea as he busily slices chicken infested with salmonella for everyone to eat.

Strategic vs. Loyal Play
Chris reveals that the voting will be counted individually—not as couples! Kovacs’ teeth fall out from the sudden game change; he knows he and Lizzy the Legume could be ousted! Natalie and Tenley scurry off and whisper scream “Women Code!” as they supposedly scheme to vote the Fantasy Suite violators off.

Jesse B., mustering all the intelligence he can, pulls Kippy Skippy aside and for one brief shining moment, impressively lays down the truth: “Kovacs and Dave won’t separate—you’ll be the next guy because that’s how it’s gonna play out.” Kiptyn looks deep into Jesse B.’s eyes and bats his eyelashes, considering whether or not he should switch teams—both in the game and in real life.

In the end, out of fear that she’ll get another beating from her man, Natalie changes her mind and votes to keep Kovacs and Lizzy the Leech. Peyton and Jesse B. go home! WTF?!!! For those of you rooting for the underdogs, game’s over. This bites.

Highlights from Next Week’s Season Finale
‘Dancing With the Stars’ collide with ‘Bachie Pad’! Dave trades in his masculinity for a cleavage-baring black blouse! The return of Fakey Jakey Pavelka! Nooooo!