Stephen Boitano/Bravo
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Having enslaved my weary eyes to last night’s ‘Real Housewives of DC’ eppy, I discovered two important facts: 1) Before the Gate-crashing incident, the Salahis were already making it a habit of sneaking into high-profile events. 2) I want to wake up in colorful adult footsie pajamas and eat Lynda’s maple-flavored sizzling bacon. Aside from that, I must also note an unexpected cutesy factor that warmed my Grinch heart: The Hello Kitty love shared between Ebong and Lynda. It’s so buttery-licious that if I were to see them at it again, I know that my pinky toes would explode.
But I must remain strong! I must carry forth the plan of pooh-poohing this season for you and reporting the Superbug bacterial infection that are the Salahis for your viewing pleasure!
Here are the highlights that’ll make you want to thank your mother for not cursing your existence:
Project Runaway
Stacie reveals to her sorority sisters that the reason why she has satiny mocha skin is because her birth mother is WHITE—like the hardcore kind from Germany! They gasp! And apparently, Stacie is being kept as a big secret: Her birth mom hasn’t revealed to her current hubby or kids that she had a love child! If that weren’t bad enough, Miss Secretive Mom won’t tell Stacie who her biological pop is—except that he’s Nigerian and that they made her into a beautiful embryo back in their Peace Corps days. My guess: This is a no-brainer. Stacie’s Nigerian father is Seal, and her German mother is Heidi Klum. End of story.
Heard It Through the Grapevine
Although Lynda disses the Salahi’s invitation to go grape stomping at their vineyard, Stacie, Jason, Mary, Cat, and Jason the Stylist all decide to hop in a limo and discover what Red Thompson Seedless Grapes from Costco feel like between their jacked up toes. Toe jam, here we come!
But before they can experience Welch’s ecstasy, Jason the Colorist—who is best remembered for his blond eyelashes and missing teeth—delineates another desperate crooked social climbing story about their wine hosts. Basically, the Salahis told Jason that they had tickets for him to come along with them to the Black Congressional Caucus Dinner, but essentially, they ended up sneaking in and trying to steal seats! Once the Secret Service found the perps and escorted them to the curb, Jason discovered the tenacious two had returned and slithered into the VIP section!
Mama Say Knock You Out!
Tareq calls Stacie’s cell to give the traveling caravan specific instructions on where to drive up since his mother has suddenly arrived with ‘Dateline’s Chris Hansen to catch a familial predator! (We find out Mama Salahi had sued Tareq over the family vineyard.) Wow. When your own mama doesn’t like you, you know you’ve got ISSUES.
By now, everyone’s fidgeting in their expensive Underoos. “Is it safe to come there?’ asks Cat. The phone goes dead! Eeek! Eeek! Eeek! Psycho!
Whistle Blower
Puzzled by seeing body doubles from the flick ‘Men in Black’ roaming around the Salahis’ vineyard, all the guests arrive trying to keep mum—except for the Brit, of course, who calls out the couple on their shadiness! “Isn’t it bizarre to have so much security in the middle of nowhere?” she asks. Catty Cat and Tareq begin to have testy exchanges, especially when he tells her she’ll be blowing the whistle to get the grape stomping going. “Are you telling me I’m blowing the whistle or are you asking me?” she fires back. After she calls him a “control freak,” she refuses to participate.
Seeing the major tension rising, Michaele—who’s holding onto a tree because a soft wind is blowing—repeats Cat’s sarcastic mantra: “Let’s just love everybody!” Michaele’s assistant backs her blond mistress up and slams one on the Brit: “It’s better than being b-tches to everybody!”
Daaang. And they’re sober!
Dishing at Dinner
Since Cat and Jason the Colorist skeedaddle before dinner, the Salahis have license to talk smack about them, as well as Lynda. The others bring up the Caucus Dinner fiasco, and then to distract them from their illegal shenanigans, Michaele breaks loose and accuses Mary (as well as the absentees Cat and Lynda) about badmouthing her. “I don’t talk about people in negative ways!” lies Mary. Back and forth they go! “I don’t have an eating disorder! Why would Lynda say something like that?!” screams Michaele. (Quickly, she excuses herself and throws up in a corner.) As Tareq watches Mary agitating his Bony Property, he loses his appetite by his sixth helping of Angus Beef Steak and proceeds to stew. Oh, he’ll get his revenge on you, Mother Mary!
