ABC
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Last night’s ‘Bachelor Pad’ was no fun and games as the house had to play The Truthiness Game and scar the fragile self-esteems of mostly the yellow-haired lasses! Some couples rose, while other love alliances fell apart, thanks to a little too much nose-picking and mixing of champagne and Grey Goose!
Let us traipse through the highlights before Wes and Dave body-slam each other and Armageddon engulfs the Playboy/Playgirl Pad!
Survey Says!
After having filled out individual surveys about their roommates the night before, the house comes to find out that they have to reveal their brutally honest answers in a group setting for their next competition! Noooo! But the twist is that everyone must guess how the majority voted on each question to win points, the immunity rose, and an individual date! Brace yourselves—fee-wings will be hurt!
- Who is the most shallow? The group votes: Elizabeth and Krisily. Correct answer: Elizabeth!
“I don’t know what shallow really means,” argues Elizabeth. (Yeah, that’s everyone’s point, Lizzy the Lame.)
- Who is the dumbest? The group votes: Natalie. Correct answer: Gwen!
Everyone looks down at the ground ashamed of themselves. Gwen—not knowing why everyone looks downcast—commences the difficult task of writing her name on her writing pad.
After a few more questions, Twinkle-Toed Tenley beats out all the girls!
Now for the guys’ turn…
- Who will be a bridesmaid but never a bride? (Real translation: Who is the house skank?) The men vote: Natalie! Correct answer: Natalie! “But [marriage is] my ultimate goal in life,” wimpers the blond as she feels a burning sensation in her secret place.
- Who is the biggest jerk in the group? The men vote: Dave and Wes. Correct answer: Wes! Horns emerge from the cowboy’s head as he plots to take Mr. Buff down. You don’t mess with Lucifer, Gorilla Man!
But the game comes down to Jesse B and Kovacs…and here’s the tie breaker!
- Who has the worst boob job? All the girls gasp and desperately sheild their silicone with their hands! Without hesitation, Jesse B scribbles hard and fast. Trickles of sweat stream down Kovacs’ vampire teeth as he believes everyone voted for Lizzy’s man-made lumps! Jesse B shows his answer: Elizabeth! “Hand it over!” laughs the Bonehead to Chris Harrison on the immunity rose. Kovacs chickens out and writes down Krisily. Jesse B wins!
Lizzy and Natalie walk away and sob in separate corners of the house as the rest of the house cackles on their backs! Mwah hahahaha!
Elfin Love
What a surprise: Tenley picks Kippy Skippy to do ballerina twirls with her in a Catalina Island adventure! During the day, the elfin couple deny their fear of heights since ABC forces them to go zip gliding. We watch in horror as mysterious streams of Mountain Dew tinkle in mid-air!
At dinner yet another shocker: Tenley gives Mr. Eyelashes the immunity rose! Although the Princess fears going to the fantasy suite with him (remember: Jake wasn’t impressed with her junior high moves in bed), she’s had enough Bacardi Breezers to find her inner sexy and off they go! “Tonight is going to take Kiptyn and I’s relationship to the next level,” she says as she hides her Make-out Handbook in her Cinderella suitcase.
Booger-Picking Lil Brother
Jesse B chooses Peyton since he’s already familiar with pumping her country bumpkin pasties. They go on an airplane ride and do flips, and the little boy comes out of him! Once at dinner, Mr. Hollow Head immediately gives the immunity rose to Miss Lisps who makes the grave mistake of making one too many martinis for him…
As Peyton gazes romantically into his eyes, he returns the affection by unleashing a monstrous burp that turns her face green. “Your eyes are awesome…that’s the only reason why you’re on this date tonight!” he snorts. Before she can shake the grossness out of him, her young lover takes his index finger and sticks it up her hawkish nostril! WTF?! We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt: Perhaps there were some greenies up in there. What could’ve been a shoe-in for his Piper to Get Paid at the fantasy suite turns into disaster, and Peyton asks to go straight back to the house!
Last Words
After much scheming, it all came down to this. And the Losahs are: Wes and Krisily! Any their parting words?
Krisily (in her signature abrasive smoker’s voice): “I wish very good luck to anyone who is not Kovacs, Kiptyn, Elizabeth, and Tenley because they’re gonna be the final four because they’re impossible to break because no one has the guts to break them up!”
Wes (already planning a trip to New York): “I had a helluva time. Thanks. Later!”
Smoker and Satan take to their limos and ride off into twilight…whoever will have the steel cajones to annihilate the power couples?! Tell me who, dagummit!
