TV Recap: ‘The Bachelorette: Men Tell All’ (Except Frank & Rated R)

ABC

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My half-eaten burrito with Louisiana hot sauce was more filling than last night’s ‘Bachelorette: Men Tell All’ show. It was quite literally like being forced to watch the entire season rolled into two hours, with interview quotes you’ve already read online upchucked verbatim from the rejected bachies’ pie-holes.

The deluge of boredom that emanated through our screens made Justin ‘Rated R’ Rego, Craig M, and Frankensheister Neuschaefer’s absence all the more mentally taxing, and for one brief hallucinatory moment we feared that the long-lost three had been abducted by aliens and the only thing that could bring them back was Kasey’s heartfelt Backstreet Boy ditty.

Because there is nothing new to recount, let us give Pabst blue ribbons to the following victims who at least injected a few seconds of life before rigor mortis set into our gaping mouths:

Second Life
Chris N. (a.k.a. The Phantom), having rolled in a tub of spicy pumpkin juice to look exceptionally orange right before coming on the show, apparently exorcised the mute demon hiding in his mouth and replaced it with a demon of a brash sailor! His mouth was going on bleep! bleep! overdrive as he cursed and mocked Rated R, revealing a full set of pearly whites we never imagined he had. With great bravado, the former Silent One mimicked the wrestler’s gimmicky ways by revealing an underlying shirt that read ‘The Phantom,’ but we couldn’t help but be distracted by his perfectly horizontally cut bangs that we’re used to seeing on kindie-gartners. Hmmm…we kinda like the frozen-faced Chris N. better.

Dumbest Quote Twice Over
Chris N. on Rated R: “He self-promoted himself!”

Most Improved in Looks
The Audience. The cameras gave much love to the audience, which consisted no longer of Mary Kay consultants with too much Neutrogena tanning spray on like seasons before—but rather of nicely coiffed cougars with halter tops, two minorities who were paid to diversify the audience, and even a few men, who indicated their heterosexuality by the look of misery strewn across their faces.

Same Jacket, Different Color
Who knew that the Weatherman’s white 80s ‘Members Only’ jacket we saw earlier in the season was a reversible H&M black patent leather get-up? Oh, by the by, was it me or was he wearing Revlon blush in Desert Sahara?

Best Entertainer of the Night
Kasey! His new tune for Ali was epic — it was like watching the forces of 98 Degrees, New Kids on the Block, All-4-One, and The Backstreet Boys explode into one vibrato-laden Kermit. Still half-frozen from being abandoned on the mountain caps of Iceland, Kasey stayed true to Numero Uno by staying off his meds and saying ‘guard and protect your heart’ a couple hundred times. The tattoo was just icing on the cake. He da man!

Best Cheesy Quote
Kasey: “Ali had a lot of bad memories — she had a bad memory with Frank and with Justin. I don’t want to be a bad memory in everyone’s mind; I want to be a good memory in everyone’s heart.”

Best Hair Extensions
When tattletale Jessie Sulidis scurried to the hot seat to tell her story about how she ratted out Rated R, we couldn’t help but wonder how her hair extensions managed to possess more volume than her brain.

Most Boring Personality
Captain Kirk. You’d think growing up with a daddy who loves to mount dead furry creatures (that doesn’t sound right) and with a mommy who wears headgear at night would make a guy interesting, but in this case, nope. But hey! That might be why Kirky and Jessie are reportedly giving each other bedroom eyes.

Top Yapper
Repeating — and at times embellishing — the same smack he said about Rated R from previous interviews, Craig R. yapped the night away, trying to show off some Man Code in a sea of metrosexuality. But all he essentially revealed was a full set of fangs that horrifically resembled those of Penny the Clown in Stephen King’s ‘It!’ (Just ‘Google Image’ it if you don’t know what I’m taking about.) In the meantime: Ahhhhh!

Sluttiest Moment #1
We enjoyed watching Chris Harrison’s Phil Donahue moment as he dove into the audience and up a couple steps with mic in hand to a long-maned brunette who was on the verge of showing off her best lecherous stink eye to Craig R.: “Would you resolve issues with Justin in an oil wrestling match? And can I be your cheerleader?” We’d rather her just do the stink eye and stop speaking.

Best Halloween Costume
Trick or treat? When Ali pranced out in a body-hugging disco ball along with that bird’s nest in her hair, we knew she was poisonous eye candy for the hungry wittle boys across the way!

Sluttiest Moment #2
Preview for the ‘Bachelor Pad’!

Until next week’s Final Rose, I bid you farewell, my ABC-watching fiends!