The Jake vs. Vienna Smackdown: Results Are In! Guess Who Won?

Harrison/Getty

This article can also be found on Fancast.com.

Now that you’ve angrily yanked out the last tuft of hair on your heads (and therefore, are completely bald) from Monday night’s Jake and Vienna Fight Club, I’m sadistically presenting a cumulative report of what everyone — critics, Chris Harrison, and yes, you, the commenters — have been saying about the odious incident in the hopes that you will now start pulling out your eyelashes.

Actually, this post sends warm greetings to confirm what you’ve all been dying to hear and already know: Vienna is bar none the winner of epic round one of what will probably be a long drawn-out war of the words between Lord and Lady D-bag.

Read it and weep…

Chris Harrison
- “My true hope in conducting this interview, however naïve it seems now, was not to solve or fix this relationship, but to find a bit of closure and stop the nasty back-and-forth that will only flame the tabloid stories and crazy Internet reports. Obviously, that’s not what happened, and I apologize to Jake and Vienna for that. Maybe it was just too soon to have that intimate a conversation. It is my sincere hope that Vienna and Jake will find it in their hearts to bury the hatchet and move on peacefully with their lives, wherever that may take them.” (via his blog on EW.com)

- “Jake’s like, ‘I’m not a fame whore,’ she’s like, ‘I’m not in it for the public,’ I’m like, ‘All right then, put your money where your mouth is. Are you done after this?’ I don’t think either of them are. I think both of them, her to a lesser degree, have enjoyed the fame. They both got caught up in it a little bit and I think they both changed a little bit. That can happen to people, you are pulled out of your normal everyday life you’re thrown onto this national stage, and if you’re not careful you get burned by that flame. When we’re doing an interview and he’s talking about his team and his people and lawyer, I’m like, ‘Listen to what you’re saying, no one talks like that.’” (via TV Guide)

Vienna (a.k.a. Brattina)
- “Thank you for all your support. The truth will always prevail. I’m so glad people see what I have been going through. Love you all.” (via Twitter)

Jake (a.k.a. Pure Evil)
- “Thanks everybody! I really appreciate the ongoing support.” (via Twitter)

The Critics
- “At first, it seemed like Jake was the good guy — his girlfriend sold their breakup story to a tabloid, he wanted to save their engagement — until Vienna came out to tell her side. And it turned out that they’re both horrible, fame-seeking liars!” (New York Magazine)

- “Again, I can’t say who, if anyone was telling the truth: only they, God and their publicists know that. But Jake definitely came off worse in the interview, if only because of his oily, smug attempts to project a cool demeanor he must have thought would come off well.” (Time Magazine)

- “There have been Jakes & Viennas for many years now. But there is something spectacularly mutated about them, something so pure and awful in their media ambition, that I think we need to, barring any calls for execution because that isn’t proper, put them in jail for the rest of their lives to serve as a lesson to everyone else.” (Gawker)

- “Jake is a joke in the business and last night’s performance has confirmed it. He thinks he’s going to be the next Tom Cruise, where in reality he is already the next Spencer Pratt. Any chance that he might have had of a career in show business is over. He blew it last night. Making a girl cry on national TV isn’t going to get you any work in this town.” (Casting Director via PopEater)

- “In one corner you had Jake and in the other you had Vienna. Neither scored a knockout, but both were badly injured. But Jake definitely came off worse.” (PR expert Kelly Brady via PopEater)

- “All that said, however, if I had to score tonight’s verbal boxing match, I’d have to give the heavyweight famewhoring belt to Vienna. Let me put it this way: I’m not sure if Vienna was ever “here for the right reasons” — as participants of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise are so fond of saying — but at the very least, during tonight’s interview she was able to recount specific anecdotes of her “life” together with Jake, and point to concrete examples of mistakes that he’d made in their “relationship.” (Entertainment Weekly)

Former Contestants and Other Wannabe Celebs
- “He’s very cold-hearted. He is not the same warm person he came off to be. I talked to girls from his season who said the chemistry really wasn’t there. Jake was constantly turning on the smiles for the cameras. He would ham it up for the cameras and then when they weren’t around the girls had nothing to say to him.” (Deanna Papas via Us Magazine)

- “Jake the fake…so nice to see his true colors.” (Former ‘Bachelor’ contestant Ashley Hunt via Us Magazine)

“I don’t believe a word out of his mouth. He looks so guilty…she’s no angel, but she’s telling the truth.” (Bethenny Frankel via Twitter)

“We definitely made out that weekend and Vienna made it very clear that it was over between her and Jake. I never said she cheated. I said we hooked up and she said they were broken up. I would never do that if she was in a relationship. (ABC actor Gregory Michael on clarifying what he actually said about his makeout moment with Vienna via Us Magazine)

Fancast Commenters (all comments below are unedited!)
- “Jake’s weirdo side grin was enough! What a creep! I just hope Hollywood doesn’t acknowledge him, or better yet, I hope all people don’t give him any attention! I’m glad Vienna did what she did. Take the money and run as far away from him as you can! This will be the last time I talk about Jake the pilot, I mean Jake the psycho!!!!!!!! (Liz)

- “Jake was arrogant, robotic, smug, and not at all believable. Respect needs to be earned Flakey – and with you in your 30s, you should know that. I would have walked months ago but then, I am not 24. I give Vienna credit for hanging in there as long as she did. Vienna should be thanking her lucky stars she got out in one piece. That guy is a true piece of work and needs mental help. Vienna is just young and she will learn. Jake is NEVER going to learn because he believes he is perfect. I think he is a perfect moron.” (Deb)

- “I agree with most of the posters here…Jake is a giant Douche Bag, phony, control freak liar. I actually felt sorry for Vienna and believed everything she said. He could not even handle her using a GPS for Gods sake. What an insecure little punk!” (KristineInJersey)

- “I think jake is right.. i dont agree 100% with his snapping out.. but any guy who has been with a nut job such as vienna would understand what he went through. Just because she talked and cried does not mean she is right. It could all be an act.” (Michael)

- “JAKE-A Legend in his own mind!!!!” (kaye37)

- “Although I found both to be a wee bit on the moronic side, I half to go with Jake (with resevations). I found it completly annoying that Vienna was ALWAYS interrupting Jake. That and the complete drama queen rant at the end made me feel a bit on Jakes side.” (auntieballistic)

- “Who in their right mind would watch these two freaks on TV? Actually, who really cares?” (Larry)

What do you think? Are you on Team Vienna or Team Jake?