‘The Bachelorette’ TV Recap: Ali’s Trouble In Paradise (episode 9)

ABC

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With my Tahitian Noni juice in hand, I toasted last night’s episode of ‘The Bachelorette’ to poor broken-hearted Ali-cakes. For last night was not just an ordinary boring installment of her hunt for the right man, but rather, it revealed the harsh realities of finding love — not only amid a jungle of insincere fame whores — but also with emotionally handicapped ones like Frankensheister. Could his deeds be as bad or worse than Rated R’s?

While this Tahitian experience was supposed to be a paradisiacal dream—both visually and physically (hello, overnight dates!) for the love-hungry Giggle Princess—it became a cesspool of betrayal of the highest retail fashion order!

Before my body explodes with Noni juice, let us recap this Paradise Lost!

Saved By the Bell–Chicago Style!
What happens when you find yourself experiencing a late quarter-life crisis along with a heinous case of PMS? You mutate into Frank.

Drunk with confusion and emotions exploding like great balls of fire, our dear Frankenberry takes a visit to his beloved and mysterious ex-gf, Nicole, to see if his nether regions still flutter for her. He walks through what looks like a college dorm and out peeps a super young brunette. “Like, what is going on?” she blurts out Valley Girl-style.

Once we get a closer look at Lady Love, we realize who the bespectacled Master of Disaster is in love with: Alas! It’s Screech with a flat-ironed wig on!

Frank: “I’ve been seeing another babe.”
Nicole (takes out her retainer): “Like, I hate the idea of you falling deeper for someone than myself.”
Frank: “I wanted to see if my feelings would change this late in the game because I like to create emotional craptastrophe…I wanted to see if we had the spark that we had before.”
Nicole: “Without you I’m not happy…you complete me. You need to come home and kiss my elongated nostrils, like, forever and ever.”
Frank (to the camera): “I’m gonna live happily ever with Screech! But first I must break Ali’s heart and get a tan in Tahiti!”

Cha Cha Cha!
Not only is Ali excited about being in the breathtaking sapphire waters of Tahiti, but she’s also looking forward to snagging some luscious STDs with her metrosexualities on the overnight dates! Act Uno: It’s time with Oooh, Roberto!

The lovely pair jump into–what else?–a helicopter(!) and land on a heart-shaped lagoon to frolic in the waters in scantily clad swimwear. While they’re busy sucking each other’s faces off, the camera pans over the crystal-studded ocean, and there, off in the distance, we see the most beautiful sight ever: Chris Harrison snorkeling with the producers…

At dinnertime, Ali—excited that it’s THE NIGHT with Roberto—dresses up in a mini bubble dress with clam-like cups suctioning her womanly endowments for her lover to salivate over. They talk about nothing and then suddenly she gets serious.

Ali: “I get nervous, too.”
Roberto: “I got something to tell you because I don’t know when I’ll see you again…and it’s going to take a long time for me to say this because I want to drag this out on national TV…because all that matters is that I keep you on your toes begging for more…okay, I’ll just come out and say it: I’m falling in love with you…”
[Slobbering ensues]
Ali: “I have something for you.”
Roberto: “Whatever could it be?”
Ali: “It’s from Chris Harrison. He wants to know if he can join us for some Action Jackson!”
Roberto: “Si, my orange Señorita!”

And with that, the two hungry lovers wade through shallow water to reach a mosquito-infested luxury suite, seductively clad with IKEA 100 thread count duvet covers. They strip down—and what we cannot speak of takes place…

Oyster of a Relationship
Off Chris L. and Ali go on a catamaran adventure! They exchange seashell necklaces and bask in the sunlight, discussing Chris’ obsession with his family while intermittently slurping each other’s faces, like wicked-hard. The two Mass. natives jump into the water and reach the shore, which suddenly prompts Ali to go on a killing spree, tearing apart oysters she doesn’t intend to eat! Chris L. calms her down by showing her shiny pearls that he’s found inside the mouths of her victims. “The pearls remind me of my relationship with Chris…it took some time to grow and has now become something beautiful and slimy,” she coos.

Because she knows she’s going to pick Roberto in the end, Ali decides to dress down in an outfit she bought from a Chico’s catalog. She takes Chris to dinner and they get drunk on pink girly tropical drinks. Yet even getting his buzz on, Chris still manages to talk about his family.

Ali: “If you could change anything from this trip, what would it be?”
Chris: “Spend more time with my family.”

Pitying before she ultimately rejects him, Ali invites the spastic mush pot back to “Fantasy Suite 54.” Apparently, ‘Try Before You Buy Return” is gal pal’s motto. Love Injection takes place, but we shall not speak of it! Blast your dirty minds!

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
“I’m in one of the most beautiful places in the world…and I’m one of the ugliest souls in it,” proclaims Frank (well, at least the first part) as he sails to Ali’s bungalow where he will admit his dirty, twisted deed.

Because he’s a child and needs some parental direction, Frankenstein first goes to Chris Harrison and confesses his emotionally schizophrenic self-absorbed journey at having discovered his resurrected love for his Midwest Valley Girl. Stifling his laughter and donning the most serious face he can muster, the host tells the freak he must be upfront with Ali. The bone-chilling convo happens like so:

Frank: “Ali, we need to talk.”
[Tears already streaming down her face like Niagara Falls]
Frank: “We’ve had a great connection…but there was something that was holding me back…basically, it was unresolved feelings for men an ex-gf. It was only until the hometown date that I had to deal with my feelings. The second I saw Nicole, all of these ‘Saved By the Bell’ memories flooded my mind. Ali, I’m sorry.”
Ali (voice getting whiner and higher): “If you were having all these feelings about her, why didn’t you say something to me?! I just cannot believe this, right before we were gonna boom shaka laka!
[Frank weeps with regret.]
Frank: “If I would’ve taken my meds sooner, I would’ve told you sooner. I didn’t want to leave–I was falling in love with you…plus, I knew the deeper we got, the better my next screenplay would be!”
Ali: “It was so selfish of you to have done this! I gave up everything to be here!”
Frank: “I gave up everything to be here, too…”
Ali (shooting back): “I gave up FACEBOOK, you bumlicka–you gave up the Gap!”

And with that, the two star-crossed lovers hug goodbye…while somewhere in podunk Canada, Rated R is throwing his popcorn up in the air and laughing his heiny off…

Floral Acceptance
Now that Ali feels thoroughly humiliated and rejected by her number one man, she’s on a rampage to make sure her last two lovebuds make a conscious decision to accept her petals. She tells Roberto and Chris that Frank has left for personal reasons and that she knows he’s a manipulative Neanderthal.

The two happy men accept their roses, while we notice Oooh, Roberto! acting a bit more giddy since he knows Chris L. doesn’t stand a chance to his irresistible John Travolta-dimpled chin. Ali tells them they will meet her Fockers in Bora Bora!

Highlights from Next Episode
The Men Tell All! Poofaunt Craig M! Strung-out Lil Weatherman! Inked Kasey! Slimy Rated R! Frog-faced Frank! Fight! Fight! Fight!