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Lawdy, lawd. I don’t know about ya’ll, but my all-natural deodorant went into overdrive and my Orville Redenbacher popcorn disappeared like jumpin jack flash after watching Jake and Vienna go at it like two male hamsters in a cage! But more of that later….
Thanks to those two nuts, Ali got less air time with her fab five in Lisbon, Portugal–but that’s okay, too, since she brought on an almost equal amount of annoyance and stress to our flatscreens with her insecurities and anxiety over picking the right dudes for the upcoming Meet the Fockers dates.
Without further ado, here are some highlights from Monday’s ‘Bachelorette’ that’ll make you thankful you’re not biting off your fingernails over five guys or breaking off your bromance on national TV….
Oh, But He Is That Good
Although there’s less pressure on Ali since she doesn’t have to give out roses on any of the dates, Miss Over Thinker still manages to freak out and look like she needs a bottle of Pepto throughout the whole trip.
With Oooh, Roberto! Ali admits there’s ‘passionate chemistry’ between them, but she’s still afraid he’s still too perfecto for her and wonders if he can be ‘goofy.’ To ease her worry, the soft-spoken Latin Lover takes to the streets on their one-on-one date and makes fart faces and jump kicks in the air (allowing his perfectly gelled hair to move a millimeter to the left) while she snaps away on her camera. Then he starts moving his hips and playing tonsil hockey with her on the streets as many a passerby unfortunately takes notice and consequently, upchuck the salted crustaceans they had earlier for lunch.
The two lovebirds take a trip up to a castle as the sun sets, and it’s here that Roberto reassures her that he and his perfect family accept imperfect lovers. “I always felt like Roberto was too good to be true, but I realize he’s just that good,” Ali coos.
Three Little Monkeys
Apparently Ali’s two-on-date with Frank and Ty was so awkward from start to finish that the ABC editors decided to make cuts here (since we only see the three’s dinnertime scenes) to squeeze in Jake and Vienna’s biatch slapping…
“Is there any wine?” Ali frantically asks to dull the deafening silence among the three. Just as Frank considers reciting Hamlet’s ‘To be, or not to be’ soliloquy in a pink leotard to impress the distracted blond, she dashes off to get some alone time with Ty. Their convo proceeds like so:
Ali: “What would your mom think of me? You know I’m more of a worker…”
Ty: “No worries, baby. I’ll support you in your little temporary ‘work’ endeavors, and then we’ll get you fat and pregnant, so you can quit your job and be my housewife. Yee hawwww!”
And then there’s her convo with Frankfurter…
Ali: “What’s your family like?”
Frank: “I’m so close to my family that we inbreed. We’re gonna have so much fun when you come to my house, but I must confess…I, I live with my mommy and daddy.”
Ali: “Awww. Does your mommy wash your wittle undies for you?”
Frank: “Let’s live in a tree together–like monkeys. I’ll pick the fleas out of your hair and eat them.”
Ali: “I’m afraid of you…”
The two make out as Frank beats his chest with delight.
Comforting Canary
By the time Ali goes on a date with Kirk, the level of discomfort on her face looks as if apocalyptic bowel movements are churning devilishly within her. It’s only until dinnertime that she begins to open up, especially when Kirk pleads with her to keep it real.
Ali: “I tend to question people instead of accepting them. Say we get together at the end of this–I’m worried I won’t be good enough one day.”
Kirk: “You keep eating them oatmeal cream pies, and we’ll see if I start offering hepatitis to someone else. But never you mind that–I’m not falling in love with the idea of you. I genuinely care about you. Call me crazy, but after my sickness, I realized I’m deserving of love, of you, of happiness. In fact I’m deserving of all the lady love I can get. And I deserve these beautiful blond eyelashes that blend into my skin tone.”
And with that confident declaration by the Nordic King, Ali pulls him in and they blend into one blond, shining moment.
Shifty Is As Shifty Does
Good ole shifty, jittery Chris L. mopeds around (at turtle speed) with Ali at the start of his one-on-one date until they arrive at a cliff. Although we’re distracted by the gal’s horrid dye job, Chris begins to let his guard down and discuss his love and feelings for his mom. His opening up is a relief to Ali, as she’s been having her doubts that they could go beyond buddyhood.
The two arrive at a winery and sit to chat–and guess what?! Chris talks about his fam for the zillionth time! But instead of feeling the usual torture of his mi-familia-numero-uno monlogues, our neurons get zapped when he pulls out a sparkly from his pocket! He tells a surprised Ali-cat that he wanted to wait til he was ready to give her the silver tennis bracelet, which, of course, indirectly links back to his mom. She lets him clasp it on her as she ooohs and ahhhs, while devising a plan to sell it on Ebay.
Southern Boy, Git on Home, Ya Hear?
In the end, Ali gives Ty the boot–out of fear of getting a whoopin and living in a little house on the prairie. She walks him out sans umbrella, as the rain falls and makes Ty’s Jheri curls look even curlier. He tries to quietly enter the limo, but his shoulders keep getting in the way. He turns back and ruthlessly tells her she had “many faults” and that he’s “disappointed” that she rejected the Confederacy and pre-Women’s Lib mores.
As the limo finally leaves with the debudded Southerner in it, Chris Harrison yanks the ginormous bottom-lipped chickadee out of the rain and scolds her for getting her little Rainbow Brite number drenched.
Highlights From Future Episodes
Kirk’s dad stuffs animals! Roberto in a baseball uniform! Roberto’s dad doubtful of his son’s happiness! Frank battles his demons!
