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Just as this here recapper was overwhelmed by the tub of babaganoush that she overate while watching last night’s ‘Bachelorette,’ she was just as or even more overwhelmed by the scenic mystical wonder that is Turkey! But alas, the beauty was somewhat tainted by the guilty rat that was finally revealed, and indeedy, things got somewhat slippery (and naked) as the men vied for Ali’s time and attention.
Before I suffer from indigestion, here are some highlights that’ll make you never look at olive oil the same way again…
Tattle Tale
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Our beloved host Chris Harrison with some splendidly scripted news! He sits Ali on the couch to tell her that Jessie from last season’s ‘Bachelor’- you know, the mousey lookin’ one with the ginormous silicone endowments – has some shady but verified info sitting right next to her on her couch!
Turns out Justin has a gf, and her name is Jessica. As she sheds crocodile tears, the brokenhearted Kardashian look-alike confesses to Ali that she and Greaseball #1 have been together for two years, intended to get married, and that he told her he planned to go on the show for the sole purpose of igniting his wrestling career. She goes on to say that he’s been calling her even up ’til now and has been professing his cold-hearted love for her. And get this: Jessica even took the pics for his ABC audition! Awwww. (That makes her Greaseball #2.) They’re perfect for each other!
But the real kicker that reveals why Greaseball #2 is even regurgitating the deceptive plan is that–BAM! He has another honey on the side!
“Sorry…” Chris says to Ali, stifling his laughter. “I’m beyond pissed!” grunts the blond as she storms over to the boys’ pad to hunt down the fibber and do some serious neck jerking and angry Z-snaps.
Rated ‘R’ for Ridiculed
Once she berates Justin in front of all the other homeboys, he immediately moonwalks out and offers an ‘F-you’ to Chris Harrison. “Sit down and talk like a man!” screams Ali-cakes with her signature whiny adolescent voice. The wrestler takes his things and makes like Speedy Gonzales out the door. Ali chases him, but Justin limps away Olympian style, hopscotching over bushes to avoid her and the ever-lingering cameras. After a minute, he comes up with a sensible lie and slowly returns to her, but in the end, his fib-o-meter runs out of mojo. “I gave up my job, I gave up my apartment, I gave up everything to be here! You could’ve just owned up like a man!” she exclaims. “Sorry, Shawty,” Justin says quietly and shuffles away.
Thanks to the some nice editing, a taciturn Justin is seen walking down the Turkish streets as his voice messages to his beloved Jessica are dubbed over to reveal his snake-like transgressions. The prospects of affording diamond-studded Speedos and kneepads are no more.
An Earful
Ty’s one-on-one date with Ali-baba gets steamy as the couple visits a 300-year-old bathhouse. Dressed in picnic table cloths, the two get their lust on as they massage each other – with hot-and-heavy Turkish beats setting the mood. “It’s getting hot in herrrr!” Ali declares. “It sure is, ten-four, good buddy,” agrees the Southern Gent.
At dinner time, we discover our guy Ty don’t like his women working! Unless I heard the long-winded convo wrong, sounds like the tall buck left his wife because she was the c-word: career-oriented. “But I’ve learned from my ways, and I’d support you in whatever you do,” coos the Traditionalist in a reassuring tone. “I’ll just beat your grits a little bit here and there so I can feel like a man and everything will be just dandy, baby doll.”
And with that, Ali gives him a rose, and they dance the night away – she, of course, letting him lead…at least for this one night.
The Oil Spill
Daaang! Who couldn’t help but think that Justin just missed his chance to unleash Rated R on this oily group date and demonstrate some literal slimy butt kicking! Instead Chris, Roberto, Kirk, and Craig R. fill in the spots to bare their olive-oiled rock-hard chests to fight for the woman they love. The prize? Some one-on-one time with the princess, of course!
After easily losing to some greased-up angry Turkish dudes with scary birthmarks, the boys must wrestle each other. Because Craig R. is dying to get some alone time with Ali-jawawat, his desperation empowers his scrawny arms to beat all them bizatches–POW! As the slick lawyer carries away his not-so-enthused blond, the rest of the oily dudes call it a day and decide to play Slip ‘n Slide in the fortress.
Lots of Chatter, No Chemistry
Craig R. and Ali sail to a little island tower for dinner. While the smooth talker fills the silence with effusive compliments and positive affirmations, Little Bo Peep keeps a frozen smile on her face, quietly wondering when the damn baklava will be dished out. There’s no chemistry here, folks, but there are literal fireworks to distract them! If only Grandpappy knew that you can’t compliment your way into a girl’s heart!
Love Bazaar?
Frank’s one-on-one date with Ali takes them through a spice bazaar adventure. Oh the sights and sounds! There’s haggling! Sausages! Chocolates! Aphrodisiacs! Sultan hats! And even belly dancer outfits, one of which Ali shimmies in with delight. And what would their Turkish experience be without getting ripped off by one of those magic carpet dealers? And so it is! Because shopping can make a girl deliriously happy, Miss Giggles starts to believe that Franky is the bestest date in the whole world! Wheeee!
For dinner they walk into a basilica and wade through a cistern onto an elevated platform where sustenance awaits them. The convo happens like so:
Frank: “I miss you, but I’m as insecure as an abused chihuahua. I only want to propose and marry once in my life, my Queen Bee!”
Ali: “I think my relationship with you scares me.”
Frank: “I know. I’m very scary…”
Ali: “I have no control over who falls in love with me.”
Frank: “The reason why I’m single at 30 is because I’ve been too busy writing in iambic pentameter and folding t-shirts at The Gap.”
And with that momentous exchange of words, Ali gives Frank the rose, causing him to twitch with joy.
Senior Citizen Gets Heart-Stricken
Because Ali is an honest chipmunk, she knows who she wants to debud and doesn’t want to waste time getting trashed at another cocktail party. Chris Harrison saunters downstairs and relays the message to the finicky gents that there will be no chatter and bubbly–just a rose killing. The guys tremble in fear, some choking on pistachios.
In the end, Grandpappy Craig R. gets axed. “I just don’t think there was a romantic connection,” Ali blurts out. Before he leaves, he whispers in her ear asking for his converse sneaker key chain back.
Highlights From Future Episodes
Lisbon, Portugal! Horse carriage rides! Meeting the Fockers! Taxidermy! Tahiti! Frank rips Ali’s heart with a secret! Whatever could it beeee?!
