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Now that ‘The Bachelor’s Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi’s I-Hate-You-We’re-Caput-And-You’re-Probably-Gay announcement has transpired, the two star-crossed (and starstruck) lovers have had time to be a bit more strategic on how they might continue torturing us with reasons why their middle school lollipop love went down the Tube. (Considering how this is going, we figure we’ll see them on ‘Judge Judy’ once Jake finishes his 15 on the all-star ‘Bachelor Pad.’)
Here’s the latest-and-the-greatest list of He Said/She Said/Someone Said quotables that will keep you from being productive at work. Take a guess at who’s keeping mum and who’s trying to get naked to help pay the bills…
He Said (via his buddy boys)
- “Jake paid for everything during the relationship. He paid for their apartment, car, credit cards, bills, her flights and travel expenses … Vienna leached off him. Jake rolled out the red carpet in life for Vienna, because, unfortunately, he fell in love–and it has cost him in more ways than one.” (Radar Online)
- “It was not uncommon for Vienna to go into a jealous rage if Jake attracted the attention of a beautiful woman in a room. Why would she feel challenged if she truly thought her fiancé was gay?” (Radar Online)
Our Analysis: The fact that Jakey Boy is keeping mum and not lashing out directly at Madame Googly Eyes is a smart strategy. It makes him seem more dignified than his ex-partner (although that’s not saying much), but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still probably gay and in total denial. Jake, you’re gay, and it’s okay!
She Said
- Jake is a “liar” and a “fame whore.” (US Magazine)
- “I am going to be on the cover of Playboy later this year. ‘The Bachelor’ didn’t pay me a dime, and I ran through my savings living with Jake. I need the money. And I want to do something fun and happy for myself!” (Star Magazine)
- “He goes, ‘Oh, I’m sooo sorry your dog is so spoiled that she can only maintain one relationship at a time. I was just in shock that someone would even say something like that. That was so hurtful.’” (Radar Online)
Our Analysis: Don’t evah come between a Southern bitzatch and her lil bitch (we’re referring to Vienna’s dog, not Jake). It’s not a huge surprise that Miss Pin-up is going after Jake’s character in her spiteful Jungle Girl way. If the tabloids were right about the way she acted in her past relationships, you don’t mess with a girl who’s been cursed with the stalkerazzi gene. All you’ll end up getting is someone desperate for attention — hence, Hooterville and the alleged Playboy ta-ta show.
Someone Said
- “This is the first we’ve heard of Vienna Girardi appearing on the cover of Playboy. We are not in negotiations with her and have not made her an offer.” (Spokesperson for Playboy via ET)
- “I definitely think [Jake] has gay tendencies, not only because of the way he dresses but also because he didn’t want to have sex with a beautiful girl and never really tried with the other girls on the show. Nothing personal, Jake!” (Paul Rosseau from ‘The Bachelorette‘ Season 4 via Radar Online)
- “I think [Jake] has gay potential and definitely gay tendencies.” (Anonymous bachelorette from ‘The Bachelor’ Season 12 via Radar Online)
- “I’m not sure if [Jake] is gay, but it seems he just has no experience with those types of women that are on the show.” (Richard Mathey from ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 4 via Radar Online)
- “I couldn’t tell you if the guy is gay, but I do have one word for you — goober!” (Anonymous bachelor from Jake’s ‘Bachelorette’ season via Radar Online)
“Jake’s a weirdo … I think he’s weird.” (Corrie Adamson (a.k.a. Self-proclaimed Virgin) from Jake’s season via Radar Online)
- “Jake feels Vienna always undermines him and tears him down. They face off about who broke up with whom. Vienna defends herself against allegations of infidelity.” (ABC via People)
- “[Jake and Vienna] acknowledge the love they felt was real. But … their relationship is beyond repair.” (ABC via People)
Our Analysis: Boy, do these people come out of the woodwork to make it known they think Jake’s pretty in pink! Our message: It’s time, Jake. Time to tell the world your favorite color is Rainbow. The tears, the sensitivity, the Leave-It-To-Beaver vernacular, the pastel Eddie Bauer shirts and the occasional ’90s mom jeans you’ve worn all point to the Boy George Club. Don’t drag this out like Ricky Martin. Much love, girlfriend!