‘The Bachelorette’ TV Recap: The Musical! (episode 4)

ABC

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Could you feel the love in last night’s ‘Bachelorette‘? Ali and the gang pack their bags to go on a whirlwind world tour, and their first stop is the Big Apple. Not only did Ali get serenaded via ‘The Lion King’ on Broadway, but she also got some boytastic tone deaf ditties by a few homies in da house–melodies and lyrics that were so jacked up that we’d rather have watched a loop of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” music vid for the entire remainder of the show.

As the competition gets fiercer, many questions arise. Like: Who is the biggest nutjob? Kasey, Frank, or the Weatherman? Oh, and who da hellage is Chris N?! The cameras only give the mystery man two seconds of face-time, and he always manages to look gaunt and dumbfounded.

Before we start singing some New Kids on the Block songs, here are some highlights that’ll make you lose your voice, just like Ali…

Poetry in Motion?
To be blunt: Kasey’s drippy promises of love belong in a Spanish soap opera, and yes, even if he’s speaking English, let’s keep the dang subtitles (if you know what I mean). Chris L. gets it right when he compares Kasey’s feelings for Ali as “unicorn love.” To prove my point, check out his serial killah love quotes:

Kasey: “So many emotions are coming through my mind and my body right now; I want to feel a lot of them.”
Kasey: ”Ali’s a cocoon and now she’s expanded out into a beautiful butterfly, open for love.”
Kasey [To Ali]: “I choose you. I’m here to guard and protect your heart.”
Ali: “I feel like you’re reading a story.”
Kasey: “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay awhile.”

If you’re choking on a cheese puff, be sure to get the Heimlich on what I’m about to tell you: Kasey doesn’t just utter ridonculous sappy words–he sings them. The two have a ‘Night at the Museum’ moment at the Natural History Museum, and it’s here where Cassanova goes Backstreet on her, but it translates more like that creepy Enigma track “I Love You…I’ll Kill You.”

Ali shutters in horror and turns to gaze at a statue of a Neanderthal, wishing she had asked it on a one-on-one rather than Mr. Looney Tunes. She ends up telling Kasey that he’s being a total freak-fest and kills a little more of his sanity by not giving him a rose. However, she breaks the rules and tells him he can stay! Nooo! Killah! Killah!

The Lion Queens
Group date! Ali takes the bachelors out to ‘The Lion King’ on Broadway in Times Square. To make a long story short, the metrosexuals end up gettin’ jiggy wit it in tight spandex and singing parts of ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight?’

Roberto wins Ali’s heart by singing directly to her. Because the Tony Award-winning director thinks the Latin Lover is muy caliente, he picks him as the winner to star in the show with Miss Buttercup! (Really, we figure he just wants to see Roberto’s goodies in that body-hugging diaper get-up.)

The rest of the tortured boys must watch the two lovebirds hang on dangling wires and intertwine their bodies like vines to tree branches. The Weatherman bangs his head into the wall. Frank joins him. Then the two look at each other and bang their heads together.

Once the performance is over and Roberto and Ali take a bow, the audience throws cabbage and lettuce–supplied by Chris Harrison–at their heads and demand they get their money back. (Okay, so that didn’t happen but had the audience known two amateurs from a cheesy dating show were screwing up their Broadway experience, that’s how it would’ve gone down!)

At dinner time, it’s clear that Ali is sick as a dog. The Weatherman tries to edge in for a little bit of convo but gets dissed by grandpappy Craig R. While the guys are vying for a few minutes with the Princess, Kirk pretends to care about her health and tells her to call it a night. Before he takes her up to her room to make out with her, Miss Laryngitis tells the eager beavers there will be no rose love tonight because she’s too drunk on NyQuil. The Weatherman begins to pull his hair out and mime out his desperation.

Family Ties
Because Ali’s battle with the phlegm continues, her one-on-one with birthday boy Chris L. ends up being in her suite. The happy-go-lucky chappy brings over soup and flowers, and they talk about his mom. His buttery goodness is too much to watch and all this opening up about his family and love for his mom makes me feel like reenacting Sally Field’s major break down scene from Steel Magnolias.

Not too much to say about this date night, other than they end up going out to dinner once Ali-cakes feels better and hop around like bunnies in heat on a rooftop to a Joshua Radin performance with gospel choir on-hand. Face-sucking ensues. Hallelujah!

What a Putty Tat
Amber alert! Kasey is nowhere to be found at the Playgirl suite. Where is he? He scurries off to a seedy area to prove to Ali, the boys, and America that his obsessive behavior and serial killah instincts are for real: He gets inked! Running on his theme of guarding Ali’s heart, he gets a tattoo on his wrist of a heart protected by a shield. Get this: The shield is made up of 11 stones, which represent the 11 remaining bachelors. OMG. Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Womp womp.

Stunt Men
Cocktail time! Desperate times call for desperate measures. The Weatherman steals Ty’s guitar and starts singing Babyface love ballads to the unimpressed Blondie, who’s basically had enough of shorty’s insecurities.

Because Justin is sick of being the only liar in the house, he calls out Kasey’s claim that he accidentally burned his wrist and went to the hospital. In response, Kermit stares at the wrestler ad infinitum, hoping that his eyes could shoot out laser beams to burn the smirk off his accuser’s face! To avoid Justin stealing his thunder, Mr. Emo decides to gather all the boys together to show off his tat with pride. Ty tries to stifle his laughter and keeps his ears from flapping. Chris N. stares off confusingly like he usually does. Craig R. walks out to look for the bottom half of his dentures. All the guys conclude Kasey’s certifiable.

Surprisingly, Kasey doesn’t end up showing his stunt to Ali just yet. We figure he’s waiting to be alone with her in a dark room with knife in hand.

Roseless Toads
The two losahs who end up going home are Jesse and the Weatherman. Jesse’s response: “I can’t wait to get home to my dogs.” And the little guy? Of course, hot tears fall and confusion sets in. Poor dude. His love forecast sucks.

Highlights From Next Episode
Iceland! Volcanoes erupt (and you know which ones we’re talking about, suckers)! Kirk needs to get a secret off of his chest! (He’s got crabs?!) Frank’s twitching even more! Kasey’s tattoo saga! Ali’s quote: ”The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal!” Someone call 9-1-1!