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[Cue Antonio Banderas' voice uno momento]: Money was what they already had. But fame is what changed everything.
Ahh, yes, ladies and gay men of America–that was essentially the theme of last night’s ‘Real Housewives of NYC‘ Reunion. In other words: Friendships fall apart when you’re being a boob to other boobs on the tube.
Even though there appeared to be two separate teams on each side of the room–Team Dumb and Team Dumber (you guess which is the latter)–the ladies were all one in the same. Underneath the big hair, five-inch stilettos, Botox, and Miss USA evening gowns, there lurked a maddening cry for help, a hunger to be heard, dammit! Too bad when each Housewife roared, everyone else plugged their ears–everyone except for our hostess with the mostess, Andy Cohen, who was so overwhelmed with the divalicious attitudes he wanted to turn straight for a moment.
Before we get lost in Jill’s fro, here are some deep observations about each Housewife in Round 1’s epic stand-off…
The Alex
I’ve coined a new term; I’m calling it ‘The Alex.’ Definition: Finding your cajones. Kudos to the once mealymouthed blondie who’s only way of rebelling was to show her blotch marks. Yippie! Alex 2.0 has finally found her voice! And so what if she almost pulled a Britney by way of a crotch shot–you can’t keep this Housewife down!
“Ask me what I’m thinking, and I’ll tell you,” says the vampire with her new set of ginormous bleached fangs. Oh, and did she ever. With great poise, she confronts Jill’s three years of meanness–from making fun of her hubby, insulting her parenting, and calling her ugly. “You’re a coward,” the redhead says. “And we’re not friends, so who cares?”
But Alex doesn’t stop there. Without flinching, she tells the Countess she’s a hypocrite and that she better shut her trap and wait her turn to speak because there’s a new Nordic boss in town. The Countess arches an eyebrow with disgust, and to keep her cool, hums her song to herself.
The Ramona Coaster
So what if Ramona made crazy eyes down the runway, attacked LuAnn about her party…and Bethenny on the Brooklyn Bridge…and Kelly’s pea brain…and Jill’s Kodak moment! Hey, to her credit, at least she can do the turtle dance in a drunken stupor and manage to avoid getting hepatitis from her smooch with the Hooters dude. This is what renewal is all about in her (wide-open) eyes, baby!
But does the 50-something-year-old regret any of her Ramona moments? She admits that if she could take back any, it’d be her slam on Beth. Of course, this enrages Kelly so much that at this point, her mouth pulls out from the rest of her face (we’ve seen this feat before in the movie ‘Aliens’) and her entire set of teeth jump out.
Kelly: “Oh, what about you calling me stupid?”
Ramona: “I call my daughter stupid sometimes.”
Kelly: “Don’t call your daughter stupid.”
Ramona: “I don’t really…I was just giving you an example to make you feel better.”
Boo yah! Ramona wins.
Bethenny: The AK-47
While we’re busy watching a butt-kissing montage of Bethenny’s perfect life (i.e. plug for her new show), the camera takes a peek at Jill, who’s wistfully looking at her former BFF, as if she lost her favorite ice skating trophy.
As Jill secretly draws figure 8’s with her finger in the air, the tearful atmosphere is broken by the whole “media whore” comment. As Bethenny and Alex ask for proof of Kelly’s undying psychotic belief that B tried to damage her in the press, her easily overwhelmed brain searches frantically for words other than ‘lemons’ and ’satchels of gold.’
Kelly: “I don’t know!…I’m over It!”
Alex: “We all are.”
Kelly [emphatically]: “No, I am.”
Who’s tired of hearing this fruitless Bethenny and Kelly debacle? It’s like watching a human trying to debate with an emaciated chimp. Or, according to one viewer, an AK-47 going after a fly. Of course, at hearing this, Kelly, the consummate victim, agrees that she is indeed a fly and proceeds to pout and act like a brooding teenager.
Jill: A Change Will Do You Good
Jill’s tired of hearing the truth about her character, people! And so she cries and screams about how she’s sick of talking about her and B’s fight. According to her, she’s just an innocent “New York b@#$%.” But Miss Get-a-Hobby tells it to her straight: “We were close friends. The show took you over. When the s#@t hit the fan for you, that’s when you started getting sympathetic. You’ve become more superficial.”
Jill pleads to B that she has changed and says she misses her. Waterfalls commence. The bouffant deflates. She gets up and walks out.
With this dramatic exit, Kelly let’s her impulses explode one last time to attack Alex and claim that while the fame has affected everyone, it has especially done a number on Miss Vampire. At this point, we were hoping to see Alex go Brooklyn gangsta on Kelly, but unfortunately, it didn’t happen. That’s okay, by the looks of ‘Part 2′ of the reunion, B shoots down the giant, which makes her stomp off the set to discuss with her multiple personalities what her next move should be to exact revenge. Plus, we see that Ramona (and her hair) lose their cool and flip out on Team Dumber. Fun, fun.
So what did y’all think? Have you had enough of the Housewives or do you want to see some butts kicked? Can you believe there are three parts to this mess?!
