‘The Bachelorette’ Season Premiere Recap: It’s Peacock Time!

ABC

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We have to admit: The drama-o-meter of last night’s premiere of ‘The Bachelorette’ paled in comparison to Jillian Harris’ season opener. Unlike the latter’s houseful of Man Code-conscious chest-beating brutes, most of Ali’s potential boy toys seemed to be of the sensitive type–you know, the kind of guys who’d curl up on the couch with you and watch a chick flick and play toesies under the table. To each her own!

Besides the unfamiliar scent of metrosexuality in the house, these newest bachelors also shook their tail feathers like no other. From paper-made roses, back flips, cubic zirconium faux engagement rings, ukulele playing, and even a homemade scrapbook–these dudes were desperate to show Ali their goods and services.

Before we start scaring you with any more details, here are some noteworthy highlights that’ll make you want to sing like Aaron Neville.

First Impressions Worth Mentioning
Frank: We like guys who are really exuberant and happy–just not the ones who take speed for kicks. That’s okay, we’ll let Frank pass since he’s the only dude sporting dark-rimmed glasses on the show, which means he’s got that cool nerdy thing going on. Plus, we like that he left his posh finance job to move to Paris and write screenplays. Brownie points for living on the edge!

Justin (a.k.a. ‘Rated R’): We’ve got to hand it to the entertainment wrestler: He’s workin’ the sympathy card with his broken ankle and crutches. Too bad when he opens his mouth, he gives off a car salesman vibe. When the boys hear about his occupation, they immediately sniff a Wes Hayden in the mix and think his passion belongs in Losah-ville.

Kasey: Is it just us or does this dude sound like Kermit the Frog? All we know for sure is that his silky smooth skin and uber tight face would make Joan Rivers jealous.

Roberto: Wanted: Single Non-White Male. You got it! Let’s hear it for the only minority in da house! When this Latin Lover opens his mouth, it’s as delish as watching syrup fall onto a plate of hotcakes! Oooh, Rrrroberto!

Chris L: Who wouldn’t love a genuinely sincere guy who moves back home to attend to his ailing mom? Two extra snaps for his deep, masculine vocal chords and baby blues.

Craig M: The Dirty Blond McDreamy. This Canuck is your prime-time narcissist who apparently spends lots of time (and pleasure) volumizing his perfectly coiffed mane. If there were ever an infomercial for male Bumpits, he’d be the spokesperson.

Jonathan: The Weatherman. We thought all weatherman were gay, tall, and full of themselves. I guess he’s an exception to all of these…well, except for the last part.

Hunter: The ukulele stint to get Ali’s attention was clever and funny, but we’re thinking this internet account exec would be better off being in a William Dafoe look-alike contest.

Three’s a Crowd
We have to give it up to Craig M., The Weatherman, and Justin/Rated R for giving us a glimpse of karate chopping to come.

Don’t hate Craig because (he thinks) he’s beautiful. We’re guessing that too many chemicals from his hair products seeped into his brain because he was on a mission to take down everybody’s game, especially those with Doppler Radar! Oh yes, Craig scolded the little Weatherman for being self-centered and not allowing him or Ali to get a word in edge-wise, causing The Weatherman’s temper to swirl like a maddening tornado! But before he could make it hail, the Dirty Blond McDreamy moved onto his next victim, Justin/Rated R.

Once word got out that Justin was an entertainment wrestler, the majority of the guys immediately smelled a rat and poked fun at him, and Craig was the ring leader, making mocking gestures of Justin putting Ali in a headlock.

Best Quote of the Night
Kyle (a.k.a. Mountain Man) on the First Impression Rose: “If I eat it, I can take it into my soul forever and nobody else can have it.”

Second Best Quote of the Night
Craig M. on seeing Ali for the first time: “Wow, I’m so happy you’re not Vienna!”

The $64,000 Question of the Night
What was up with Ali’s shoulders gravitating towards her ears all night? We’re guessing she didn’t want to have a Tara Reid moment in her black dress, if you know what we mean.

Tokens Matter, Dammit!
There can only be one winner for The First Impression Rose. And if you guys caught Ali’s one-on-one with Mr. Rico Suave, then you saw her eyes checking out the cultural goods! There was so much frenetic energy jumping out of her eyeballs, it looked like somebody was about to have a hot flash! More salsa dancing with Oooh, Roberto!, please! The token minority was the rose champion of the night! Whoo hoo!

It’s My [Name] in a Box!
Chris Harrison delivered the news that the bachelors must choose the shadiest character in the room and place their votes in a big black box. Because the host didn’t want to ruin his manicure, he brought in the same giant production assistant dude who helped kick out Rozlyn from last season to deliver it.

Not a huge surprise, the guys ended up choosing Justin, but he managed to give Ali a heartsy headlock–figuratively, of course–and she ended up not kicking him out of the ring.

The Rosebuds
Here’s the list of the 15 leftover rosebuddies:
Jesse; Ty; Craig R; Tyler B; Frank; Steve; Chris L.; Kirk; John C.; Chris N.; Chris H.; Hunter; Craig M.; Jonathan; and Kasey.

Highlights from Future Episodes
Tug of war! Ali hugs half-naked boys! A concert with the Barenaked Ladies! Iceland! Portugal! Turkey! Tahiti! More wrangling with Justin! The Weatherman and Dirty Blond McDreamy cat fight! Kasey is as scary as Michelle Kujawa (with a bandaged wrist to prove it)! Ali blasts the mystery Wes Hayden in the group!

What did you guys think of the premiere? Who gave you the first impression tingles, and who should Ali dump?