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Nothing could’ve topped the drama of last Thursday’s ‘Real Housewives of New York City’ when Kelly had a major psychological hemorrhage, so it’s no surprise that what happened in the Caribbean didn’t stay in the Caribbean. Regardless of how you feel about what went down, you gotta hand it to Ramona–her choice of destination was an ironic tell-tale sign of her very tall friend: No matter what the circumstances, Kelly’s an island unto herself. And on this one-woman island, she’s even managed to create her own cryptic contradictory language.
Case in point–earlier this week, Miss Bensimon told New York Magazine that she didn’t have a “nervous breakdown” but rather a “nervous breakthrough.” Unfortunately, she follows that statement with the WTF Kelly-ism of the week: “I’m completely honest, I have a ton of integrity. The minute I walk into the room, I create…this stagnant frenetic energy.” Stagnant frenetic energy? DOH! If only she learned her lesson with the lemons.
Anyway, before we really digress like Kelly, let’s talk about a couple of the mini dramas worth mentioning from last night’s episode.
Oy Vey and Blotch Marks
After Kelly escapes the island earlier that morning, the rest of the ladies exhale and enjoy their last day with yoga, swimming, and alas, a mani and pedi. But then guess who schleps through the door? Jill Z! The calming quiet of the moment is suddenly spliced by her New Yawk accent; everybody’s sunny bunions freeze! Alex is ready to blotch with fear and despair. “We’ve had enough drama,” she says shivering. (With her face turning ghostly white, we believe for a moment that she might just turn into that vampire Kelly claims she saw!) Jill looks around wondering why everyone isn’t pretending to be happy to see her. Nobody says a word, except for an unamused Ramona, who just says she has no freakin’ idea what to think of Jill’s “surprise” visit.
Embarrassed that she doesn’t get a glowing reception, the redhead leaves the premises, and soon after, Ramona follows her with many apologies and tries to use Alex’s I’m-going-to-puke-and-cry expression as the reason she wasn’t initially jazzed to see her.
Blah blah. No significant drama, but Jill’s perturbed that Ramona seems to be siding with her guests and not with Missy Moo, who thinks their 15-year friendship should take precedence over the other three. (Interestingly, Jill didn’t think so much of her and Ramona’s long history when she dissed the latter’s invitation to come to the party in the first place. But hey, that’s just the way the lady jives.)
Dinner and a Case of Dementia
Jill invites the Countess, Jen Gilbert, and Kelly to a ladies’ luncheon to have an opportunity to talk trash about the island gals. When Kelly arrives, she again is incoherent about the drama that occurred at sea but manages to enunciate so emphatically that the ladies become momentarily hypnotized by her bleached teeth and overpowering mandibles.
Kelly attempts to substantiate her victim status by telling the table that she was being threatened nonstop, starting with the ladies’ need to gossip. Then she says that Bethenny was trying to convince her to sleep around, which prompted her to call the brunette a “ho bag.” The Countess arches an eyebrow at such an unlady-like response. “Ho bag?! Like who says that these days?” she asks rhetorically. (Uhhh, we’re not sayin nuttin.) Of course, Kelly wouldn’t be Kelly if she didn’t continue the agonizing attack of Bethenny’s culinary reputation. However, the ladies indirectly tell her to shut it by claiming that they all knew the latter had skills.
But the kicker comes when the Amazonian alleges that Bethenny was preying on her at every moment and had supposedly admitted she was trying to run a smear campaign against her! She might as well have said that Bethenny was trying to force-feed her hermit crabs at dinner–either way, in Kelly’s eyes, the stories are all real and true! But hold onto your jellybeans because that’s not all, folks! Kelly makes a point of eating her beloved confectionery treats during the confrontation and having to come back with them in order to “police” the girls. By now, LuAnn and Jill can’t take the nonsense and the jokes jump outta their mouths. “She’s 12!” laughs LuAnn. “What? You afraid they’d steal your jellybeans?” Jill asks, chuckling to herself.
Meanwhile, Jen’s been staring at Kelly as if she’d been watching a horror flick in 3-D. Before another marble putters out of Kelly’s paranoid, delusional head, the new Housewife interjects with some words of wisdom. “There are usually three sides to a story: there’s mine, there is yours, and there is the truth,” she forthrightly says. Unfortunately, Jen darling, in this case, there’s only one side.
The End Is Near!
We’ve got only one more week for this nonsense to last! Do you think Kelly will ever stop being kooky around Bethenny? Better yet, are you ready to see whether or not Jill will be able to salvage her relationship with her former BFF? Tell us your thoughts!
