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You have gnashed your teeth, laughed, and cried (occasionally out of misery) — and some of you have even sworn on your mother’s good name you’d never watch another season of ‘The Bachelor’ again. Before tonight’s sure-to-be-memorable season finale, let’s come together one last time to look back at all the life lessons we’ve learned from the cast of characters this past uproarious season.
Here they are in no particular order:
-If your best acting break was starring in a Chuck Norris TV show (we’re looking at you ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’), be prepared for that embarrassing information to get out. Hide while you still can. (Thanks, Jake!)
-Don’t play hard to get in a dating competition and deny you’re playing hard to get: You’ll end up looking pretty lame. (Thanks, Elizabeth!)
-If you’ve been married twice before the age of 23, have a big uncontrollable yapper, and the only women you’re able to get along with is your step mom and half sister, then maybe you shouldn’t put yourself in a situation in which you have to live in a house full of ladies who are vying to marry the same man. Things might turn out kind of ugly. (Thanks, Vienna!)
-If your every day vernacular includes the words ‘golly,’ ‘gee,’ ‘journey,’ and ‘co-pilot,’ then maybe you should stick to watching “Leave It to Beaver” and reading Archie comic books instead of falling in love with four women at the same time. (Thanks, Jake!)
-If you’ve had lots of plastic surgery done and plan on going on television, you better be secure enough with everyone finding out and jabbing at the parts that don’t move. (Thanks, Gia!)
-If you’ve just come out of a really twisted relationship, slow down: Wait for at least a couple years before you try to get back in the saddle again. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself mentioning your ex over and over again…and doing ballerina twirls that make everyone uncomfortable. (Thanks, Tenley!)
-If you’re a virgin who doesn’t like to pursue men, then maybe you’d be better off registering on eHarmony than trying out for a TV show that has fantasy suite episodes and more-than-willing men who prefer sampling the selection before making a decision. (Thanks, Corrie!)
-If your mom did things with pasties in the past and now sells boiled peanuts on a Florida highway, you might not want to try being a public personality. (Thanks, Vienna!)
-Read the fine print on your leave-of-absence forms so you clearly know whether or not your employer will let you take a month off to appear on a TV show. (Then, let us know who your employer is so we can apply for jobs there.) (Thanks, Ali!)
-When your jerk predecessor has cried over a balcony, you shouldn’t repeat the same histrionics because that’s just plain cheese. (Thanks, Jake!)
-If you tend to be naturally scary, cry at a drop of dime, and are obsessed with getting hitched and producing mini-me’s of yourself so your grandma and mom will be happy, then please call 1-800-HELP. (Thanks, Michelle!)
-When you go out of your way to warn an unrequited love that one of her remaining suitors is just out to be famous, you should be a bit more receptive when someone tries to warn you about the same thing. (Thanks, Jake!)
And finally….
-When you’re looking to get fame and fortune off your good looks, stay away from shady married producers; that way, you won’t have to become a blatant liar and look foolish…plus, those amateur private sex tapes of yours won’t surface…well, never mind. They probably would either way. (Thanks, Rozlyn!)
