[Cue Swan Song]. And. So. It. Is. The island of St. Lucia will not only be remembered for its breathtaking valleys and sparkling blue waters, but now it will be forever associated with ‘Bachelor’ Jake’s love bomb. A love bomb that inspired a whole nation of TV viewers–even Ole Granny–to want to toke it up to ease the pain. To phrase it in Jake’s vernacular: Gosh, what a difficult decision and amazing, magical journey we’ve been on. Gee, that maverick sure did follow his heart!
So who did he pick? You must suffer through reading my recap to find out!
In the mean time, here are the highlights that’ll make you want to fry your epidermis in a dirty tanning bed…
Family Matters
Dressed pretty in pink, Jake walks into a bungalow to greet his very blond family, who have giddyapped all the way from Texas to help him make the decision that will ruin his life forever. The genetic code of characters are: The Mother Queen (a.k.a. Eternal Stink Eye), Daddy-cakes (a.k.a. Emo), Blond Bro (a.k.a. Jake’s Siamese Twin), Ginger Bro (a.k.a. Rick Astley II), Sister-in-Law I (a.k.a. Miss Piggy), Sister-in-Law II (a.k.a. Miss Wannabe Hipster).
The vulnerable Boy Toy thanks all of them for being there and says he needs “a second set of eyes” to help him see Tenley and Vienna as clear as clear can be. Giving the second biggest stink-eye of the trip (the champion stink-eye we’ll get to later), Jake’s mom interjects in reference to Vienna: “Is that the girl everyone hated? Because there’s something to that.” Jake reluctantly concurs and goes ahead and splatters his guts out about the pin-up girl’s faults. The monologue lasts a couple hours.
The Crying Game
Tenley’s the first up to meet the Pavelka clan. Her big toe barely steps through the door when Daddy Jimbo’s eyes start streaming down with tears. Tenley sits down with the eagerly accepting family and says the same spiel about how Character! and Values! made her fall in love with the pilot. They all coo. Daddy’s shirt is drenched from Niagra Falls pouring down from his eye sockets, while Tenley comforts him by saying that her “family is [also] very emotional.” Jimbo, looking like he’s ripe and ready to be in a senior wet t-shirt contest, replies in a heavy Southern accent: “Well, you gonna fit right in, woman.” Yeee-haw!
Mom and Tenley have some time together, and the former tells the helium-voiced chickadee that it’s important that the women in the family get along because they are the “glue” that holds everything together. Thus, she asks the dancing queen how she deals with feline conflict. Completely avoiding the question, Tenley responds like she normally does to everything else: She chokes up and confides that her wicked ex-hubby dashed her Disney happily-ever-after dreams into tiny little pieces. Nonetheless, Mom and Tenley bond and more crying ensues.
After all the emotional interactions and empty Kleenex boxes–with the exception of the dumbfounded brothers who are too busy eating their mango salads to give a flip–everyone agrees that Tenley is the Golden Egg that is worthy of carrying the Pavelka genetic code.
But Jake pulls his mom aside and reveals he’s afraid that he hasn’t been crazy enough with Miss Perfect. Queen Mother bops him upside the head to reprimand him and then collects herself: “Just show her your goofy side, boy! Didn’t I raise you right?”
Taking his mother’s advice, he converses with Tenley for ten seconds and then exclaims it’s way too hot for chit-chat. ZOOM! He’s off and jumps into the pool with his clothes on! Tenley, thinking she’s spotted The Little Mermaid in the shimmering chlorinated waters, follows suit and dives in. And in one of the freakiest moments in the segment, the brothers, having awoken from their food coma, decide to cannon ball in with the kissing couple. There’s a big wet group hug and Jake’s shirt magically comes off. POOF!
“That other girl better be sumpin’ sumpin’ because Tenley is corn huskin’ perfect!” Jake’s Mom snaps.
Vienna Meets the Resistance
Feeling guilty about revealing all of Vienna’s issues, Jake nervously introduces the mammoth-toothed faux blond to his skeptical family. “I come from a very small town in Florida, where most of us are in-bred and exchange crocodile teeth for currency,” shares the Floridian native proudly. To confirm that the young ‘un lacks culture, Sister-in-Law I asks if she’s done any traveling outside of The Sunshine State. That’s when Vienna says she went road-tripping with losahs (i.e. the other bachelorettes) and that they hated her from the beginning. Champion Stink-Eye emerges!, but the former Hooters waitress is too busy laughing like a reject to notice.
At lunch Jake’s mom pushes the topic, asking if she got along with any of the other contestants. Vienna attempts to do a comedic pause, then rolls (one) of her eyeballs and laughs in a heaving fit. Sister-in-Law II tells the camera she thinks the 23-year-old is a bit “confrontational,” while Sister-in-Law I boldly states to Vienna’s face that she’s “very different” from Tenley. “Yeah, I’m not a robot,” she retorts. Red laser beams come out of the family’s eyes as they attempt to swallow their fried red snapper rather than barfing it out on Miss Big Mouth’s face. Mom abruptly gets up and tells her lovestruck son that it’s time for a walk.
Their chat proceeds like so:
Mom: “This girl is socially challenged. Not only does she make ape sounds at random times, I worry about her not getting along with the girls. Can’t you see her poking at her sisters-in-law? I just want you to look down the road…”
Jake: “I’m feeling defensive. Please leave my boyfriend–I mean girlfriend–alone.”
Additionally, the brothers add to Jake’s fears…
Ginger Bro: “I kinda worry about the brutal honesty thing…I think it’s an immature defense mechanism.”
Jake: “She may not be as mature as Tenley, but what I sees is them Double D’s!”
While Daddy-cakes excuses himself and uncontrollably sobs in a fetal position on a nearby hammock, the sisters-in-law and eventually the Queen Mother start softening up to Vienna when she tells them she brings out Jake’s wild side and that she can’t see her life without him. But the Mom keeps it real with her possible daughter-in-law by saying she has concerns about how she gets along with females. She also asks her what she’s going to do when Jake’s flying the friendly skies. “Well, I’ve got you all,” the naive girl says–finally coming up with a decent answer. “Right answer!” approves the matriarch, “Oh, and sorry for wanting to kick your donkey butt to the curb!”
Mud Slide
Jake takes Vienna on a sulfur springs excursion for their Last Chance Date. Owwww, it’s gettin’ hot in herrr! Although the She-Man is afraid the sulphur will sizzle away at her silicone, he reassures her that it’s safe and gives her a banana to calm her down. They first begin by mudding up each other’s bodies and get so into it that they reenact that famous Predator vs. Arnold Scharzenegger scene–Vienna, of course, being The Predator. They’re feeling all sexy-like with Vienna writing the words “I love you” on Jake’s torso. “I’m so physically attracted to Vienna…I can’t let the fact she’s the perfect husband for me to cloud my vision,” he discloses.
Back at the bungalow, the backwoods girl offers Jake a letter of love and her promise ring that her father had gotten out of a Cracker Jack box. They arm wrestle and then call it a night.
Diving into Dumb Waters
Jake takes Tenley on a diving adventure and they sail away on a charter boat. They snorkel and play with the beautiful fishies in the sea. Before the boat driver can entertain the thought of zooming off without them, the two climb back on board and cuddle in the burning Caribbean sun. They start turning burnt orange. But oh no! Bad news! Jake looks distant! Tenley’s reject meter goes off immediately, and she asks what’s wrong.
Jake: “I’m just tired.”
Tenley [giggling]: “Am I too much to handle?”
Jake: “In my past relationships, I always looked for physical chemistry, but there’s wasn’t any emotional chemistry. Now with you, it’s the opposite. Are you concerned that our physical chemistry ain’t as hot as our emotional?”
Tenley: “What?! You tell me this NOW?! I think we have heat, but you don’t think we do?”
Jake: “It’s building slowly.”
Tenley: “That’s the way I think it’s supposed to be, you buffoon!”
And at that, she angrily does the Electric Slide back to her room.
Distraught but acting as easy breezy as she can, Tenley invites an embarrassed Jake into her bungalow a few hours later. Under the sugar coated words of ‘Let’s have fun tonight!,’ she says she’ll be more than ready to hear an explanation to his verbal gaffe. He thanks her for not despising him and closing up. “Thank you for sharing,” she robotically states, “I needed to hear those wonderful affirmations. They remind me of encouraging words that I read in my self-help books all the time. Now, little boy, let’s discuss how I can be further condescending to you.”
Because Tenley is insecure that she lacks sex appeal, she tells Jake to have a drink of champagne in her bed. She hands him a cheesy memento of pics of the two of them together and proceeds to play tonsil hockey with the distracted bachelor. He gets through it by imagining man-on-man kissing with Vienna.
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