Last night’s ‘Bachelor’ gave us a bit more drama to chew on and spit out. Not only was it Jake’s turn to be in the hot seat to Meet the Fockers on the hometown dates, but also, one bachelorette had to make the agonizing decision to stay or leave before the rose ceremony!
Here are the highlights of those familial and romantic relations…
Big Bazookas, Big Lips, Big Apple
Gia brings Jake to her hometown of New Yaawk! They jump into a boat and cruise at lightning speed down the river, posing all sexy-like in front of the Statue of Liberty and drinking champagne! “I have such a burning desire to get to know Gia’s heart,” says the out-of-place Texan. Gia confides to Jake that she’s been burned by bad boys and young boys, and she needs to know that he’s mature enough to communicate when there’s a problem. The whole time Jake has been staring at her lips, wondering if she’ll ever be able to move them normally again…
After their romantic cruise, Jake meets the Corleone family for dinner and the kiss of death is just around the corner! To avoid all stereotypes, Jake, Gia, and her family–her mom, step dad, step brother, and half brother–all sit down to a meal of spaghetti. The matriarch comes straight out and asks in her heavy Italian accent, “Is he gonna breaka my Gia’s heart?” Jake chokes on his meatball and smiles nervously. Step Dad leans his head back and strokes his goatee as The Godfather score plays in the background. Step Brother (a.k.a. Screech w/Pokemon hair) growls with suspicion.
Jake and Gia’s mom get some one-on-one time so that the Recessive Gene can lie and tell her that her daughter stands out. Then Mother Corleone whisks Gia away to reassure her to take the plunge with Jake.
Gia: “But Ma! It doesn’t matter that I’m a Maxim model, and I got this schnoz, boob, and lip job! He has three other women who are vying for his heart!”
Mother Corleone: “Gia, listen to me. This is your mutha talking to you. I’ve got a gut feeling that he’s in love with you. Besides, look where my gut has taken me and what it’s given you–a step father, a step brother, and a half brother.”
Meanwhile, the Italian dark-haired stallions have encircled the golden boy. “If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs…and even if I have to stab you with the sticky thorns from my pomade head, then I’ll do it…just treat her right,” proclaims Step Brother, who’s gotten hairstyling tips Jersey Shore’s Pauly D.
Trembling with fear–from both Mother Corleone’s tarot card reading and Step Brother’s threats–Jake quickly rushes out with Gia for a romantic walk. They sit on a stoop and make out as yellow cabs whiz by.
I Talk to Dead People
But if the Jakemeister thought that was scary, little did he know what’s awaiting him in Ali’s hometown in Massachusetts!
Thankful that he’s escaped New York in one piece, Mr. Perfect rushes over to Ali and gratefully embraces her, shakes trees, and wishes on autumn leaves. But he soon panics when Ali starts talking about how close she was to her dead granny, how she knows she’s still with her, and that she even had conversations with her about Jake! Then the Cali resident takes him to her granny’s house! She points to a window: “That window right there–she’d always be staring out from it, waiting for me…” Jake and the rest of us tremble in unison as Psycho music jumps into our petrified minds!
Assuming that Jake is merely cold, Ali takes the shaky homeboy back to her mom’s house where he meets the family. At dinner, the mom confesses she had never seen the show and therefore, looked him up online. “I’ve never seen so many freakin’ naked pictures in my life!” she blurts out. But then she composes herself and tries to say something less offensive: “That’s nice you were in a Chuck Norris film…cheers!”
After Jake and Ali’s mom have an intense three-minute conversation, the latter becomes convinced that Jake is a good boy and is ready to marry her daughter. She tells Ali, “I’m with you 100%! I look forward to planning a wedding!”
Perched by a camp fire, The Vienna Hater confesses to the Vienna Lover that she wants to be the one left at the end, and that if he asked her, she’d marry him now. To avoid answering her challenging proposition, Jake seductively takes off his gloves and slobbers all over her nose.
Dancing Machine!
Jet-lagged as all get out, the young Chuck Norris flies off to Oregon to meet Tenley. They meet in a damp forest–a perfect climate for deer ticks, mind you. Never mind that, Tenley dares to get bitten, as long as she can show off her super cute polka-dotted galoshes! Yay!
The pipsqueak-voiced chica sits him down on a nearby bench and asks him an important question to find out if he’s anything like her ex-hubby, whom she despises with all her might.
Tenley: “What part do your parents play in your life? My ex-husband let his family run his life. I need to know that we can be a team and that this is about us.”
Jake: “I run everything by my folks.”
Tenley (to the camera): “Yay! I feel so great that Jake is nothing like my ex-husband!” What da-hellage?!
Lady-in-Denial tests him again–this time, she wants to know if he can appreciate her obsession with dancing (because her ex-hubby sure didn’t, according to her). She takes him to her childhood dance academy and surprises him with a dance she choreographed just for little ‘ole him. He sits uneasily on a stool, and she appears in a sweet ballerina outfit–and then BAM! She slams his eyeballs with a dance medley: 1) FAME! I’m gonna live forevah! 2) Flashdance! What a feeling! 3) Lap dance! 4) And for the finale, a pole suddenly plunges down from the ceiling and a strip tease ensues.
After the dirty dancing, Tenley takes him to meet her family. Her parents are so happy to see how gleeful their daughter is. Mom is brought to tears. They all sit down for dinnner.
Mom: “Sooo…what happened?”
Tenley: “He gave me the first impression rose!”
Dad: “Pass the beans.”
After the meal, Dad (a.k.a. Spock) takes Jake upstairs for a chat. He calmly tells Jake that they had watched him on ‘The Bachelorette’ and that they thought he was a man of integrity, especially when he copied Mesnick and did the balcony cry. He admits that seeing his beloved Tenley go through all the pain of divorce makes him a protective father. Jake reassures him with a smile so wide with pleasure that his face turns as wrinkly as a Shar-Pei.
When Leave-It-to-Beaver gets time with Tenley’s mom, she tells him that although Tenley might have some “emotional spillovers” from her divorce, she’s ready to love again! Hallelujah!
Because Jake feels so Zen around Tenley’s dad, he goes outside and sits on the porch swing for some more man-to-man talk. “Oh, Wise One, I cannot leave without your permission for your daughter’s hand in marriage.” To this, the older man quietly gives the Vulcan sign. It is done.
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