Because ABC spent way too much moolah last season flying ‘Bachelorette’ Jillian Harris to Spain and Hawaii, the network decided on last night’s ‘Bachelor’ to keep it on the cheap and fly Jake and the leading ladies to the Caribbean island of St. Lucia–where they could eat bananas and sand crabs for dinner. No matter, there was enough fun in the sun and juicy fantasy suite festivities to last a whole two hours!
However, amid Fantasy Island, there still lurked a determined predator via cell phone by the name of Ali Fedotowsky, and by jiminy crickets, she wanted her man back!
Here are the treasure trove of highlights that’ll make your body swell like a blowfish….
Island Heat, Island Beats
For his first date, Jake takes to the streets with Gia. Because he thinks she’s a high maintenance city girl, he drags her out to the local marketplace as a test to see if she can mesh in with the locals, as he confidently believes–with his Texan blond roots–he can so easily do. With a nice foreshadowing of the fantasy suite, the lovebirds each grab a coconut and take flirty sips from their straws. (Earlier that day, Chris Harrison, disguised as a Rastafarian, ran into the same coconut juice vendor and bought some medicinal herbs to pass the time.)
To the country boy’s surprise, Gia’s having the time of her life, especially when she allows Jake to do all the cheesy tourist spending. To match his wannabe-hip-islander necklace, Jake buys her a similar one and wraps it around her neck. But before he notices she’s slipped it off–BOOM DIDDY BOOM! The hot beats of a local’s djembe sets the Long Islander off, prompting her legs to move and groove naturally–the only part of her body that can. As she’s looking totally in her element, our eyes proceed to assess Jake’s dancing…and that is when slowly, our half-eaten spicy jerk chicken falls out of our mouths and onto the floor. White men just can’t dance.
Lovin’ Up on a Billy Goat
The atmosphere for dinner is an ominous one–with tall citronella candles lighting shadows along huge rocks–reminding us of that horrid scene of Piggy’s demise from Lord of the Flies! But alas, Gia to the rescue! She washes away our scary thoughts with her jazzy flapper costume. Jake’s kahonas twitch with glee at the sight of her, and they proceed to have more verbal exchanges than the model’s used to, which gives the poor girl a headache.
Jake: “Nobody else exists right now. You’re so drop-dead gorgeous, but you also surprise me cause you’re very deep.”
Gia: (adjusts her Dolce and Gabbana headband and starts texting on her Blackberry)
Jake: “I’ll take care of you. I’m looking for someone who’ll make my dreams theirs, and their dreams mine.”
Gia: “Was that, like, a really long haiku or something? (goat giggles) It’s amazing you know what you want. I’ve never met a guy who can say half of what you just said. You know how to put together complex sentences!” (nervously goat giggles)
Then they swing together on a hammock and have each other’s mouths for dessert, causing Jake to deflate her upper lip. He hands her the fantasy suite card, and she eagerly accepts because she knows that even though saying love-filled words are a challenge for her, pumpin’ da pasties is her specialty!
The honorable Bachelor leads her into his lion’s den full of rose petals to be dishonorable! They enjoy each other in a bubble bath, and suddenly, Reid and Jillian pop out from under the bubbles and join in on their flirty banter. We cannot speak of what happens next…
Quiz Show
Fresh off his Maxim fantasy with Gia, Jake’s conscience feels dirty, and he tries to repent with conservative and angelic Tenley. He grabs the happy sprite, throws her into a helicopter, and off they go! Without thinking, he points her to all the places he’s been so far and accidentally adds: “Oh, and that’s the place where Gia and I bumped uglies!” Yikes! But thankfully, Tenley was too busy doing isometrics to make her guns and calves look even bigger that she only saw Jake smack his hand over his mouth.
Jake lands them on top of a plantation, and the blonds hike over to a nearby rain forest and have a picnic. Suddenly, Tenley takes the reins and issues her 101 post-divorce questions and pontifications that are meant to make Jake feel small and inexperienced.
Tenley: “How will you pursue me in the outside world, Little Man?”
Jake: “I get lots of free skymiles. We can travel the world!”
Tenley: “The simplest things make me feel on top of the world. Your character is what makes you who you are. If I make a commitment, I stick to it.”
Jake: “Me, too. I’ll never cheat on my wife because I’m scared she’ll withhold her secret place from me to punish me…but I know you wouldn’t do that to me, would you?”
Private Dancers
As the sunny pair’s date continues with dinner, Tenley is anxious about playing sleepover with a giddy Jake–mostly because she doesn’t want him and all of America to think she’s a loosey-goosey in such matters. “My ex-husband is the only person I ever spent the night with–and it’s not something I just do,” she emphasizes. In contrast, Jake’s all revved up to get his piper paid, as he notes that the fantasy suite moves “the relationship forward.”
But Tenley is bent on making a few points. “Firstly, I’m so grateful you’re giving me this opportunity despite my past, but I can put it to rest. I have grown, learned, and I have so much love to give…and (reiterating what her psychologist told her during her hypnosis sessions) I’m meant to be loved! Oh, and I’m really falling in love with you.”
And with that, Jake sweeps her off her feet and starts slow dancing with her, dipping the dreamy girl every so often when he doesn’t want her to see him rolling his eyes.
With deft skill, he twirls her all the way to his bungalow, where the same old rose petals from last night’s love romp cover the floor. He shows her the various rooms and almost screams like a girl when he sees Gia’s pearl-beaded bikini laying in the tub. He quickly slobbers on Tenley’s face and takes her to another part of the suite. The dirty deed is done behind closed doors, and we refuse to divulge such details…Chris, on the other hand…
Arrgh, Let’s Mate, Matey!
Having experienced the freshman boom shaka laka with Tenley, Jake is ready to feel gross and naughty again. And who could make him feel filthier than Vienna?
The two jump onto an official Pirates of the Caribbean pirate ship (golly, thanks, Disney!) and sail off to the great unknown. Vienna (a.k.a. The Skeksis Vulture from The Dark Crystal) wows us with a repeat of her turquoise bikini with ruffles in tow. Aside from a strange licking attempt (maybe that’s the way her daddy taught her to greet), she proceeds to do normal things like placing an eye patch on Jake and calling him One-Eyed Willy, climbing up the mainmast like an ape, and walking the plank–secretly hoping that her true love, Sloth from The Goonies, would save her.
The lovers swim to shore, and as they roll around in the sand, the viewers at home discover that the bad girl’s got a revealing tattoo etched into her hip! If you were to look closely, it read: “My real name is Bud.”
The masculine couple sit down for a romantic dinner, but Jake wants to make sure that his attraction isn’t purely sexual. He asks her questions about marriage, and she responds to him with all the answers he wants to hear. Then he goes buck whacky and asks her what kind of wedding ring she desires, and not surprisingly, Little Miss Priss says she’s looking for a princess cut sparkly. But Jake keeps things spicy by admitting that he’s in love with Gia and Tenley, too. Then silence. Crickets chirp. Out of sheer desperation and a competitive spirit, Vienna goes in for the emotionally manipulative kill.
Vienna: “I can’t picture not being with you. I can’t go back to my podunk trailer and you not being with me. When I’m not with you, you’re all I think about…well, next to my daddy. But, whatever about that–I’ve fallen in love with you!”
Jake: “You’re in love with me?” (smiling prune face appears) “Gee, golly, willikers! I love your brutal honesty!”
And with that, Jakey takes Daddy’s Girl into the forbidden zone. Before Action Jackson occurs, Vienna seduces him with a white lingerie one piece. She closes the double doors so the cameras can’t see what she’s about to do: She’s removing her bandages to reveal her manhood! Ahhhh!!!
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