Jake has unleashed a monster–and we’re not talking about the one stuffed in his Wrangler stonewashed faded jeans! In an unprecedented move in Bachelor history, this unassuming, syrupy-sweet Southern boy went maverick on us last night by kicking off four succubi in one show! WHAT DA HELL-AGE?!!! This ain’t no joke, people! Keep your 42-inch flatscreens intact: This here Jake is looking for The One, and he will snip off any rosebud to get to her!
Here are some scintillating highlights from last night’s episode that’ll make your entire being explode…
Home Is Where the RV Is
Chris, with the sliest grin on his face and tears of joy in his eyes, tells the girls their domestic comforts will no longer be in the bunny mansion but rather in two ginormous RVs that’ll be driving up along the California coast. RV #1 houses Ali, Jessie, Kathryn, Ella, and Tenley, while Gia, Corrie, and Ashleigh reluctantly load up with Vienna in RV #2.
Country Boy Meets City Girl
First stop is a vineyard in Santa Ynez–a more natural and serene setting to get wasted. Jake picks Gia for his one-on-one date. Being the New Yorker that she is, the cosmopolitanite dismisses the idea of going L.L. Bean on him and instead, brings out the Big Apple fashionista staples: stilettos and a ginormous handbag. As she gallivants like an emaciated sprite toward Jake and his motorcycle, Vienna exclaims, “Jake’s a Southern boy, Gia’s a New Yorker…I think this is completely out of her element.”
Taking off her heels and running off into the land of grapevines, the rubber-mouthed brunette prompts a game of Hide ‘N’ Seek! Yippie! Her girlish little game sets her off, and she giggles like a billy goat. Jake thinks this is oodles of fun and does cart wheels and round offs until he finds her and captures her in his arms. She pounces and wraps her legs around him. “Holding Gia in my arms in the vineyard when she was all wrapped up around me just kinda feels like the beginning of a fairytale,” he coos. Jake Jr. will toast to that.
The two lovebirds sit down in the grass to drink lots of vino and commiserate about their high school days as rejects. To Jake’s surprise, the lovely Lawwng Island accented Gia was a full-on nerd that bullies loved to mess with, but as she tells her sob story, he empathizes with her by revealing he was labeled “Mr. Dateless” because he was so shy. Her first kiss was from a game of Spin the Bottle, and with that, Jake takes the liberty of easing both their bruised egos by having them play it.
Spin! Spin! Oooh, so nerve wracking! First spin, a peck on the cheek! Goat giggles ensue. Second, a big lip lock. Third, face-sucking fest.
Chinese Babies = Nice Accessory
Although Jake is swaying like a cattail in the wind, he’s still sober enough to keep testing the dark-haired Rapunzel. How? “Move over foie gras and rainbow dragon rolls, I’m gonna make hot dogs and smores and see if this East coast anorexic squirms at camp food!” he cackles. But she already has her mind in the gutter and happily swallows his Oscar Meyer weiner(s). After dinner they cuddle underneath a blankey and intermittently play tonsil hockey. He asks her where she sees this situation going, to which she says she wants to be engaged for awhile, have two kids before she turns 30, and adopt a Chinese baby. (She’s soo international like Angelina.) Oh, and she also declares she wants a pot belly pig, just like George Clooney!
While they’re looking at the stars, girlfriend has an epiphany: She’s not thinking of her hair or makeup! Whaaaat?! And she’s falling for a good boy when all her life she wanted a bad boy! And with those unspoken realizations, Jake gives her a rose!
Sand-Witches
Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna, and Corrie go on a group date with Jake to Pismo Beach. What do they get to do? Dune buggy race in the sand! Ali calls shot gun with Jake, and Vienna rolls her eyes…and they keep rolling and rolling–each in a different direction. The rest of the girls pout, but they soon get over it and off they go! Sand flies everywhere, unearthing angry sand crabs and sand moles that bite the girls in their secret places! (Ticked off that he hasn’t been getting enough air time, Chris Harrison steals a dune buggy and rides in circles with brewsky in hand, cursing them all to go to hell!)
Who’s Inn, Who’s Out?
The dirty felines are taken to an inn where they clean up and have dinner with Jake. He plucks them out one-by-one to see who really has what it takes to carry his seed in their womb. Here are some of his interactions:
Ashleigh – She purrs and intertwines her legs with his, but has nothing to say. He isn’t feeling any chemistry.
Vienna – Acting like the child that she is, Vienna requests that she be the last he speaks to because she thinks she’s special. In reference to why she has a bad reputation among the girls, Jake boldly but nicely proclaims “I think you egg it and bring it on yourself.” Nervously, the Fraggle Rock character pleads, “Can we talk about something else?”
Ali – The mean-spirited bizatch is so caught up in her anger and fear that she asks Jake about the rose ceremony. He shuts her up by indirectly telling her to be in the moment with him.
Tenley – Jake lays his head on her lap to have a better view of her cup size. She tells him about her past and that she’s ready to move on with him. They sweetly suck each other’s faces off, and you can see the genuine chemistry between them. Awwww. Not a big surprise, Jakemeister ends up giving her the rose.
When Two Become None
Ella and Kathryn are the unlucky victims on the two-on-one date. Only one rose will supposedly be distributed, so each nervous cha cha brings their game on the only way they know how: Ella pumps up her hair and her Tennessee boobs up high. And Kathryn clicks on her dentures. Let’s get this show on the road!
At dinner Jake and Ella tittle tattle away about faith and family. Ella says her number one man is her son, Ethan. Kathryn tries to interject with a comment, but the two ignore her–and this is where we see Miss Invisible start to roar!
Finally, Jake takes Kathryn aside so they can finally have their time. The convo proceeds like so:
Jake: “You’re so beautiful. I love your eyes. I’m so attracted to you…”
Kathryn: “Oh, HELL-TO-THE-NO! Where have you been? What am I, your grandmother? Ask me some questions cuz I ain’t getting younger!”
Jake: “Okay, well…how old are you?”
Kathryn: “Let’s go back in, I have to take my blood-pressure meds.”
And with that, Jake decides he’s had enough of the Ella-and-Ethan combo, as well as Kathryn’s ‘tude. He ends up banishing them both and burns the rose!
SORRY, FOLKS, GOTTA CUT YOU OFF HERE! TO READ THE REST OF THE RECAP IN ITS ENTIRETY, CLICK HERE ON Fancast.com!