Some of ya’ll have been complaining about the show being fake, but make no mistake: Jake was karate-chopping the eccentric va-jay-jays off with no mercy last night! And that is as real as it gets! The blond He-Man’s emotional I.Q. was a lot higher than we had imagined, and with less smiling and more no-nonsense confrontation, he’s revealed how dead serious he is to put a Zale’s diamond ring on a gal’s finger and impregnate her with his spawn!
Here are some of the juicy highlights to keep you wanting more…
Talking (and Jumping) Man-to-Man
Vienna (a.k.a. She-Man #1) wins the first one-on-one date with Jake. As the girls puke inside their mouths at the announcement, the blond revels in their negative reaction, cackling and letting her eyeballs go all crazy-like. “I like crazy dates…and Vienna is definitely the woman to do it with,” says Mr. Ignoramus as he rides off with her to a potential suicide cliff. Although we were hoping we’d see some Thelma and Louise action or that at least he’d push the Has-Way-Too-Many-Teeth gal off to see if she could fly, a helicopter appears and whisks them away to a bridge to go bungee jumping! Boing! Boing!
Ironically, Jake is afraid of heights, and on the way to the site, he’s looking like he could use some serious Pepto (the Cherry-flavored kind) before deciding to take the plunge with a transsexual. But before we see them take off, Jake gets philosophical on us: He wants them to both overcome their fears! “I can’t be strong 100% of the time. I need to know I have someone I can rely on and draw strength from if needed,” he pontificates. What he’s really trying to say is that he wants a strong man to hold him during tough times. Don’t we all, Jake…don’t we all.
With racing hearts and goose bumps popping like popcorn, the tied-up couple jump, looking like a giant sushi roll falling to their death! Yeeeehawww! Discombobulated and bobbing upside down, Jake takes advantage of his mental confusion and kisses Vienna. And that, ladies and germs, is what a near-death experience does to you!
Dinnertime with Daddy
Not only does Jake admit he needs someone to be strong, but he also says he’s looking for someone who’s nurturing–like a father-figure–and who can provide that kind of comfort more than Vienna? After a couple lip locks, they head out to the hot tub where she sports a bikini bottom with ruffles to hide the family jewels. Mistaking masculinity for maturity, Jake gives Vienna a rose!
When the girls see her come in with immunity, mouths drop to the floor. As they listen to her unabashedly divulge on the couple’s intimate moments, the girls collectively–albeit secretively–decide she needs to be beaten in the middle of the night, Cali girl gangsta style.
Funny Bunnies
Jake gets to take his group date–which consists of Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn, and Michelle–to Jon Lovitz’s Comedy Club at Universal City! Gee, thanks Disney! Lovitz walks in and much to the chagrin of the girls, tells them they’ll be providing the stand-up for Jake and a live audience of strangers. Pee in the panties commences. The girls are freaking out and Ashleigh even cries. How can they make a funny?!
Here are the notables:
Tenley – Does a split to show off her camel toe.
Elizabeth – Surprises Jake by being a potty mouth.
Michelle – Perplexes everyone by comparing Jake’s boys to coconuts and her cha-cha to a golf hole in need of some one-on-one time. Ewww.
Corrie – Imitates all the girls and lays it in with a catty impersonation of Vienna that makes Jake frown, while the girls bust out with laughter.
Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead
Jake brings the group to another rooftop party and thinks it’s going to be a fun, casual night. But he’s wrong. The PMS is in overdrive and a couple of the ladies want to slap some sense into him about Vienna. Tenley pulls him away and finally confesses she was once married but the dude cheated on her. Normal estrogen-overload moment for Jake. No biggie. But then Ashleigh and Ali get to chat with him and let him know that Vienna isn’t part of the girls’ club. Jake arches an eyebrow, and now we start to see the mojo being sucked out of him.
Ali, who is starting to emerge as a catty rabble-rouser, tells Michelle she needs to be open with the girls. How does Michelle respond? “I am here for love–not for any of you high school acting Heathers! I am here to get married! My mom wants grandchildren–my ovaries are crying for some sustenance!” Elizabeth’s response to her: “She doesn’t need a husband; she needs a therapist first.”
Michelle snags Jake away and lays on the marriage schpeel with the usual odd pauses and slow-talking serial killer behavior. The expression on his face tells us he’s panicking and wants to rock in a dark corner somewhere. But before he can make a move, she goes schizo on him and suddenly asks to kiss him. He reluctantly obliges, and their lips lock for a while. She flips out and basically tells him the kiss sucked and then threatens to leave! Jake pauses for half a millisecond and then agrees that the crazy bizatch should go since this is her second attempt at leaving anyway. Not surprisingly, Michelle acts like she’s completely taken aback and claims he’s kicked her to the curb. But Jake, being the kind gentleman that he is, escorts her down the elevator and into a cab, all the while carrying a stun gun in his Hanes undies–just in case she decides to pull out a butcher knife.
Exhausted and determined not to play Mr. Polite tonight, he sends all the gossip girls home sans the rose because they sucked his soul out with all their complaining pie-holes. “Oooh, what integrity! What strength to make such a decision! We worship him to infinity and beyyyond!” they respond.
SORRY, FOLKS, GOTTA CUT YOU OFF HERE! TO READ THE REST OF THE RECAP IN ITS ENTIRETY, CLICK HERE ON Fancast.com!
