Well, the long-awaited hoochie mama mystery…solved? The dialogue between Chris Harrison and Rozlyn Papa on last night’s episode didn’t necessarily bring clarity, but I think it’s safe to say that although there may not have been any home runs, there had to have been at least some first base action going on between Miss Blond Ambition and Producer-That-Got-Fired.
Regardless, at least we didn’t have to rely solely on that scrumdidlyumptious segment of the show to be entertained. There were plenty of moments and characters to inspire your half-digested Hot Pockets to hurl onto the floor, so let me bring it right here, right now!
Click-Clash
For the first group date, Mr. Leave-It-to-Beaver (with his shirt unbuttoned one button too much) takes Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina, and Ashleigh to the rooftop of the Shangri La Hotel. When they all get up there, Jake introduces them to Fierceness by the name of Howe, a mysterious man adorned in an immaculate suit who sports one earring…and one face-lift. He reveals he’s the InStyle Fashion Director and that Jakey and all the gals are going to have a photo shoot! Yippie!!!
Once Christina hears this, she frantically rummages through her purse for some Imodium AD. Apparently, the jellybean monster’s insecurities swell larger than her pie-hole as she watches Rozlyn and Gia hunker down in their natural environment. Incidentally, Rozlyn coolly notes that while she herself is more of a bridal model, Gia looks like she poses for lingerie–which is her way of intimating Gia’s more for mating than for marrying. Uh uhhhhh.
The Shot Seen Round the World
Rozlyn is the first gal to pose with Jake, and because she really wants to make an impression, she lifts one of her twiggy gams as high as can be and then BAM! CROTCH SHOT! Christina, who’s become BFFs with the bubbly to make the pain go away, looks on in shock as she catches sight of Rozzie’s secret place..which she refers to her as the blond’s “cha cha.”
Everyone’s having fun in the Kodak moment: strawberries are being lasciviously bitten, the girls are being romantically scooped up by the man of the hour, and G-rated tonsil hockey is taking place…and then it’s Christina’s turn.
Since it’s obvious she’s got more jitters than a newborn Chihuahua, Jake–in true gentlemanly form–walks up, showers her with compliments, and proceeds to slow dance with her. She melts like butter, prompting Valley Girl speak to emerge from her yapper.
Lust Me Tender
The fun times commence with a dinner party at the Shangri La. Jake takes Gia aside to get some one-on-one time, secretly wondering how much Restylane she’s had pumped into her frownies. While he stares at her inexpressive mouth, she confides that she wasn’t the popular girl growing up but rather more of the “artsy” type. But for Ashleigh (a.k.a. the Kyra Sedgwick look-alike), talk is cheap. And she wants to get even cheaper: bring on the itsy bitsie black bikini…Jake and Jake Jr. likey a lot. Splish spash! As her legs are wrapped around his waist in the pool, the other girls shortly emerge, scantily clad in their own swimsuits to join the amorous pair.
To get noticed, Rozlyn squeezes her fortified Double D’s together for Jakemeister to see. Then, before any of the other girls can pull his mind out of the gutter via cannonball dives, she grabs him for a romantic walk on the dock. With a blankey wrapped around both of them, Miss Thang goes in for the kill. And that’s when major face-sucking begins–more lewd than the face-sucking I saw on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve special. To make a long story short, Jake was “intrigued” and gave her the coveted immunity rose.
Planes, Diamonds, and…
While the group date is happening, a jewelry box is secretly delivered to the mansion. In it is a diamond necklace but no note! Oh noooo! What to do?!? The girls start to squeal excitedly like lost piggies, but steamin’ demon Michelle snags it and drapes it around her neck in hopes that doing so would win the individual date with Jake. The others girls contort their faces in disgust and pull it off her. “Ewww, it’s tainted!” they scream. Michelle’s eyes squint and glow fiery red.
Early the next morn, it’s revealed that Ali gets to wear the necklace and go on the individual date with Jake! Michelle’s horns poke out in bitter rage.
On the date, we discover Jake’s sadistic streak. Having just gotten over the flu, poor cherub-faced Ali–who openly admitted she was terrified of flying last episode–is forced to tinkle in her Victoria’s Secret V-string: Jake is taking her on a plane! Whaaaaat?!?
Surprisingly, she takes the ride in stride, and Jake is impressed. Ali says she’s on cloud nine, and before we can feel nice and fuzzy from her reassuring words, we get jolted out of our Ikea couches with Jeffrey Osborne’s deafening “On the Wings of Love!” Nonetheless, as we plug our ears and scream “Make it go away!,” Jake manages to land them safely in Palm Springs where they find a schnazzy car waiting to drive them off into the sunset. After what feels like ten years, the couple park in an open field and walk up to a nice little dinner awaiting them. Jake asks how many serious relationships Ali’s been in, and she names them: Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Notice the pattern? The “J” break-ups aren’t the best precedent for Jake, but he is undaunted: He gives her the vital rose! And then a make-out session ensues.
Back at the mansion, Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley, and Vienna find out that they’re up for the second group date. Although Tenley and Ella are forlorn for being left out, Michelle is slowly starting to get gangsta on us–Single White Female style. “I’m not ordinary like the other women,” she exclaims. (Yes, we know you have the ability to kill! kill! kill!)
SORRY, FOLKS, GOTTA CUT YOU OFF HERE! TO READ THE REST OF THE RECAP IN ITS ENTIRETY, CLICK HERE ON Fancast.com!
