Non-fat, butter-free popcorn in one hand. Diet Coke in the other. And now: girly scream! The momentous love-fest is back and not without a few zingers. The last ‘Bachelor‘ season, Jason Mesnick was branded as the hot, single dad. But now, with this spanking new season, we have the chance at focusing on something deeper, stronger, and more difficult to penetrate: Jake Pavelka’s upper body.
But that wasn’t a huge surprise–nor was the egregious airtime (no pun intended) on his profession. Pilot outfit on–check. Shot of him in the cockpit about to fly–check. Cheesy aviation metaphors for love–check. Oh, and we got an extra dose of the latter, thanks to the pre-planned verbal take-off from the twenty-five bachelorettes (pun intended).
So what were the surprises? A football game with Jake and the ladies, sans the stilettos, and Jillian and Ed from last season showing up to “help” Jake toss out the first-impression losahs. Well, before I divulge–and digress–let’s get this show on the road!
Intro to Jake: Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Basically, this first segment consists of a montage of Jake doing the following: making breakfast, jumping rope, swimming, cutting wood (?!), running on the beach–HALF-NAKED (i.e. upper half, ladies, upper half). Oh, and then there were the ooey gooey love quotes:
- “Nice guys finish last; it’s been the story of my life.”
- “Love is perfect. It endures. That is what I’m looking for.”
- “Flying is like a drug–it gets you hooked…just like being in love.”
At this point in the show, my BF was giving me the Heimlich Maneuver to save me from choking on my salmon roll.
Quarter-Life Crisis: Meeting the Fab and Un-Fab-uh-lous Ladies
ABC gives us a good indication of whom the real contenders are. How so, you ask with crazed perplexity? The first ten gals have oodles more coverage than the others. I’m guessing if you just remember most of them, you’re set for the season. As for professional diversity, there’s a good mix–entrepreneurs, teachers, models, dancers, and even a couple pilots to boot. But what is up with the youngsters! Can we get some older ladies up in here? The vast majority of these chicas are in their early-to-mid 20s. No offense to all you beautiful 20-somethings, but we need some maturation, some wisdom, a few more wrinkles, a stray white hair, please! I personally would’ve liked to have seen a couple cougars to make things interesting, but I guess Jake isn’t feeling the Botox.
Jake Meets Women. Women Like Jake.
Instead of going through every single one of the twenty-five felines, here are some of the ones that stood out, either by actually being pleasantly sincere and warm (don’t hold your breath, there are like, three) or by embarrassing themselves in some form or other.
The Ego Queens
Rozlyn: A model of the most beautiful affectations.
Gia: Another model who walks like Angelina and knows she’s hot like Paris.
The Sweetie Pies
Ali: Sweet-natured Cali girl who is apparently sick and has lost a bit of her voice. (That’s okay, sick people get lots of attention and pity. Game on.)
Tenley: Good-intentioned, mushy divorcee.
Elizabeth: Pilot from D.C.
Dumbest Pick-up Line #1
Jesse (to Jake) as she squeezes his biceps: “Are you registered for these guns?”
The Token Minority
Channy: A Cambodian chick who says nasty things in her native tongue to the conservative country boy. (She actually tells him she wants him to land on her landing strip…Oh no, she di-int.)
Psycho #1
Ella: Mother of one from Tennessee, she keeps telling the cameras (and Jake) that she is convinced he is the one and they are “meant to be.”
Mean Girl
Christina: Brings a basketful of jellybeans and lets Jake know that they are parting favors for all the other girls because she will beat them all!
And the winner…
Dumbest Theatrics, Dumbest Pick-up Line #2, & Psycho #2
Michelle: She comes at Jake with arms spread out like the wings on a plane (and yes, even makes engine noises with her mouth) and says:
“Hopefully in the end I’ll become your co-pilot. I want to be a passenger in your plane.”
SORRY, FOLKS, GOTTA CUT YOU OFF HERE! TO READ THE REST OF THE RECAP IN ITS ENTIRETY, CLICK HERE ON Fancast.com!