ABC’s The Bachelor and The Bachelorette franchise were just two matchmaking reality shows riding into the sunset until the slippery, insecure heart of Jason Mesnick happened. Then, scorned women from around the country started tuning in by the millions, shaking their fists and gnashing their teeth at the pathetic fella who managed to break two hearts, only to ask for one back…but oh, how they loved to hate him! The proceeding season of The Bachelorette with Jillian Harris was another sure-fire hit for the network, thanks to memorable Ewww! characters with foot fetishes, anger-management issues, insatiable appetites for publicity, questionable sexuality–AND dudes with issues in da bed. Drama. Drama. Drama…
So it’s no biggie that just a couple days ago, our new sneak peak of bachelor Jake Pavelka’s season brought with it an “Oh no, she di-int!” moment: One of the female contestants is apparently pumping da pasties with a crew member (my guess is it’s a barely legal P.A. gopher from UCLA). Jake, being the obscenely boring “perfect” guy that he is, most likely won’t bring the wow-factor to the show; we’ll have to depend on the felines for shock value. If the girls are mealy-mouthed Puritans with the usual fake tan and boobs, then it’ll prove to be one of the cheesiest seasons evah. But if they get gangsta on us ABC-style, then you know what to expect: a couple dozen high-pitched cat fights that would make Elisabeth Hasselbeck proud.
In a nutshell, with all the shenanigans of the last two seasons and the ratings that rose with them, ABC’s formula to keep the franchise going is to inject balcony-cry-worthy drama–in the most natural way possible. Pressure. Seriously, how many more fresh, love-nut scenarios can the network instigate?
Before you start sounding off and coming up with your own ideas, I’m going to share mine right here (because I know you want to steal them):
1) A bisexual Bachelor with contestants made up of both men and women. The Disney network would love it!
2) Bring foot fetishist Tanner P (from last season’s Bachelorette) back as the Bachelor and see more pedicured toes of all shapes and sizes than you’d ever want to see–ever.
3) An all-star show where all former Bachelors and Bachelorettes who are still single (i.e. 98% of them) come together; play Spin the Bottle and Twister; compete in flirty obstacle courses (in which there’d be oodles of bottles of Bud Light involved); and have blind dates to see if they can fall in love with each other more than themselves.
4) And the scariest suggestion: have a Bachelor/Bachelorette season consisting of MINORITIES. What da hell-age?! Noooo!
You guys have any ideas?