America’s Next Top Model two-hour premiere is everything short of spectacular–five-feet seven and under to be exact. At least so far, Tyra’s woeful height handicap experiment is partially compensated for by the tall orders of pee-in-your-panties-laughing runway struts, the hoochie mama poses, and over confidence in the “midgetity” (I made that word up) of the contestants. (Oh yeah, and the fact there’s another Jesus Freak–this time, a dangerous psychotic one–is yet another reason to keep your eyeballs temporarily glued on this deliciously failed endeavor.)
Notable Naive Wittle Narcissists
Amber: (a.k.a. The Second Coming of London, from Cycle 12). Her proclivity to make uber affected sexy faces, cry and scream at a drop of a dime, enunciate so severely you wonder if she has special needs, and fervently proclaim her belief that she is modeling for the Lord Almighty provides enough comic relief to keep you in disbelief.
Jennifer: She makes herself feel special by pointing out she’s the only Asian model. (Whatevs. At best she’s a Monet if you know what I mean…ouch, I know. I’m bad.)
Sundai: The shortest dwarf in this cycle–5’3” she claims, although she looks a foot shorter. Her sob story? She was a foster kid, who has apparently been taught that you’re never too young to sport the Chaka Khan look. I feel for her.
Nicole: The ethereal ginger, nicknamed “Bloody Eyeball,” takes reticence to a whole new level. Sadly, she claims she sat by herself her entire high school senior year and is aware that most people find her incredibly odd. But knowing is half the battle, bizatches! Watch out!
Bianca: The bald and outspoken black chick’s self-importance is exhausting. Right from the beginning, she makes known that she believes to be intellectually superior than all of the other rug rats in the room. Girlfriend’s got enough attitude to be in a Toni Morrison novel. TROUBLE. But we likey. Makes for GOOD DRAMA.
In the Beginning
A few dozen wide-eyed chickadees begin to socialize and size each other up in a ballroom decked out with a black curtain and catwalk at L.A.’s Biltmore Hotel. And with more voice overs than we can bear, the munchkins convince themselves that the modeling industry needs shorties like them because they’ll make average women feel better. (Yippie! Surely we need the affirmation from a 15-year-old to tell us we’re worth it!)
The girls get their butterfly panties all up in a bunch when a bespectacled businessman suddenly walks into the room. He starts quizzing them about Cindy Crawford’s height and then starts dissin’ their short legs. The girls scream in protest, but before any of them have time to run to the bathroom to barf up their lunch, the megalomaniac herself, Ms. Banks, jumps out from behind the curtain to reveal an ugly French accent and her trademark histrionics. She banishes the man from the room and encourages the gullible gals that short is this season’s new black. The girls scream like Alvin and the Chipmunks and away they go to get their measurements by the two gay J’s! Fab-uh-lis!
Jennifer, being the smart one (because she’s Asian), observes that powerful, symbolic moment in which Tyra, who represents change in the industry, casts out the business man, who represents the status quo. One word for ya: Wow.
Hotel Holla!
More banter about how non-giant models are needed in the industry ensues. But then suddenly, all this short talk compels the girls to talk about their virginity–(perhaps shorter folk feel they get less bow chicka wow wow! than taller folk?) Anyway, the girls go around the room and take inventory on who’s still white as snow, but when it’s Holy Moly Amber’s turn, she hesitates. Everyone laughs teasingly. “It’s been two years…and so anyway, that burning passionate sensation you have should be for Jesus Christ!” she screams with eyes swirling about wildly. Bianca arches an eyebrow (too bad them eyebrows will be bleached by show’s end!) and bluntly responds: “It’s okay if you’re looking for attention.” Daaaang.
Panel Time
Tyra and the two J’s meet the girls individually for the first time and reveal a good number of nut jobs…and those who chop nuts off (no joke). Here’s a quick summary (going to skip those that left no impression):
Jennifer: She lets them know she beat up a girl once. Great. Just what we need. Another ghetto-fied Asian girl (Anyone see cycle 11′s token Asian?) Her bikini pose is whackness, looks like she’s doing the snake dance.
Courtney: The sweet gimp who broke her leg from a cheerleading stunt. Jay Emanuel likes her proportions. Tyra likes she has no boobs.
Amanda: About as red neck as you can get. She lives in a pop up trailer sans a bathroom, so she pees in her backyard. She tells them she does the #2 at a gas station.
Bianca: The reason behind her Mr. Clean look: Her bf did a Bruce Lee on her face, so in response, she pulled a Britney and immediately shaved her head.
Amber: She says she’s going to become “more loving-er in the Lord” as a model. Loving-er? She walks in with an inexplicable slinky walk. Tyra: “What was that?” Amber: “My catwalk. Meow.” The judges laugh their asses off.
Kara: A hippie bohemian chick who lives in Costa Rica. She once castrated sheep on an organic sheep farm.
Lulu: Sista girl says she’s gay. Miss J claps out of joy.
Laura: One would argue, another red neck. But I’d like to say in politer terms, country girl. Her Kentucky drawl and Southern hospitality makes her so syrupy sweet that the latter term suits her right. She curls her hair with paper towels and is also a nut cutter–of cows. She can cut about 100 a day. Miss J screams and grabs his jewels to keep them safe from her.
Rae: A beautiful young blond mom (she’s 21) who was abducted and sexually abused in her past. One of the more respectable–and mature–gals out of the bunch.
Rachel: Another chick with ginormous eyes (she’s refers to them as “Bambi eyes”) but unlike her cycle 12 predecessor, she isn’t into blood and being a freak-fest.
It’s in the Outfit
Next, the hopefuls are taken into a room where they are shown hangers with their names on them. If the hanger has an outfit on it, you’re in. If not, buh-bye. The 32 girls are cut down to 20.
But what’s another six more dreams dashed to pieces? After the girls make one more last ditch effort and walk the catwalk ridiculously, that’s what happens. Six hit the road, jack. And so we’ve got our 14.
In the coterie of 14, Hallelujah Amber is one of the Chosen Ones! Upon hearing her name, she exclaims out of joy “Thank you Jesus Christ! We’re gonna save the world!” (Saving souls by way of high heels and lots of make-up sounds pretty glam.)
Mundane Makeovers
Apparently, salvation doesn’t come. The girls are taken to a hip salon and before they get their makeovers, discover that “due to personal reasons” Amber decides to opt out of the competition. WTF?! How sad we’ll never experience Amber’s rapture. She probably forgot she was due for an exorcism–or a lobotomy–and had to make her exit. So who shall take her place? A forgettable, vacuous baby-faced girl named Lisa, whose puffy lips give Angelina a run for her money.
In a nutshell, the makeovers are uneventful. Sadly, we get no drastic boy cuts, which are a shoe-in for a cry fest. Just a bunch of iced blonds and darker brunettes–although Lulu gets a long weave, Sundai gets the Chaka Khan whacked outta her hair with a shorter look, Nicole gets a huge, even redder afro, and Bianca bitches about her eyebrows being bleached. (As any ANTM fan knows, Mister Jay hates bitching and scribbles in his mental notebook to tattle about her to Tyra.)
Oh yeah, after they’re done up, they move into their huge pad, but nothing to say here other than more of the gals picking up on Bianca’s chip on her shoulder.
Wah Wah
The lovelies’ first photo shoot is based on their baby pics. Bianca’s on a roll. Freshly teed off that her brows are zilched, she’s now unhappy about the way her make-up looks. (Mister Jay writes violation #2 down.) Her downer attitude is reflected in her photos. FAIL.
Rae, newly icy blond, achingly but uncomplainingly tip toes on 8-inch heels to resemble a ballerina. Hot shot.
But the red head shall get her revenge, dammit! Some think Nicole to be a fool, but this girl is calculating and ambitious. She brings out the kick-ass poses! The other girls look on stunned.
Second Chance, Short Journey
The afternoon of the elimination we find Bianca and Nicole dipping their feet in the pool.
Bianca: “Why don’t you talk?”
Nicole (in her usual drawl): “I get in my head a lot. I stop noticing things around me, and I stop thinking about stuff.”
Bianca: “Well, I think you’re weird.”
Check, please.
The official cut couldn’t come any sooner. Along with guest judge/model Chanel Iman, the regular judges end up placing Bianca (thanks to her ‘tude) and Lisa (thanks to her lack of personality) in the bottom two. Ultimately, the gal with the second chance doesn’t make the cut. I guess ‘tude is better than no ‘tude in this case.
Next episode promises to be a butt naked ride with the gals posing on horses in their birthday suits and a double elimination! (I just feel sorry for the horses.)