The Bachelorette: Testosterony Tattle Tales! (episode 10)

Reunions. They’re an amalgam of anxiety, excitement, and revelation–or, to rephrase it in the vernacular of the reality tube viewer, a mix of UH OHs, NUH-UHs!, and WHAT THEs?! And we surely howled a barrage of these verbal gems as we watched the boys’ tell-all slumber party unfold last night. Our frisky inquiring minds wanted to know: Is Dave still a jack ass? Is Juan going to get his revenge? Is Tanner going to suck Jilly’s longest toe on national telly? Is Jake going to get by one show without saying “Golly!”? Is Wes going to prompt the solar eclipse to come earlier tonight by singing his friggin song again? And is Reid going to say he regrets his reticence? Unfortunately, we weren’t able to answer the last two questions since Satan and Porcupine Head were MIA–the former for obvious reasons, the latter being prime time speculation.

Personally, I’d like to have seen more time devoted to the boys’ fiery convo! What a visual treat it would’ve been for the salivating greasy gals in the audience if the man barking could’ve resulted in a Braveheart battle scene with lots of clothes flying in the air! Oh, the bulging man boobs! Oh, the bubblicious butts! But I digress…

Despite some very unwanted guests–(let’s call them “M&M”)–and some boring cheesed-out edited scenes, the show did have its juicy moments–so tarry ho! Let’s discuss the highlights!

Couch Time with Chris

The night starts out with a prerecorded snippet of Chris going down the reject list of the show’s memorable characters with Jilly. Not a whole lot to mention here, but here are the notables that came out of her yapper:

1) She didn’t mind Tanner P’s toe luvvin. In fact, she’s discovered a new found love for her footsies.

2) David didn’t give her any r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

3) She’s convinced (finally) that Satan was on the show purely for his album.

4) She addresses the message board haters by saying she feels only love for her schnoz!

White Men Can’t Dance

Out of all the deleted scenes we’ve never seen, we give first prize to a tipsy Ed, who–after being prompted by Jils to answer a question–looks dazed and confused and slurs “You’re saying lots of words.” But it gets better: His bubbly overload prompts him to bust a Tin Man’s electric slide–an inexplicable, leg-leaning number (topped off with some randiness). Now we know the secret to finding his personality–just get him hammered and his circuits go buck whacky!

The second prize goes to Reid’s hula dancing attempt. Apparently, the honey bear never knew his hips existed, so to compensate for the swaying hula movement, he thrusts his shaboiken front and back. When he does try to move his bottom half from left to right, his upper half looks like it’s having a seizure. (Strangely, his horrendous attempts at being limber makes his cute factor go off the charts.) Jilly, take him baaaaack, you fool!!!

Unwelcomed, Uninvited and Who Cares?

Why are Molly and Va-Jay Jay stealing Jilly’s heat? And what’s up with Chris labeling Jason as “the most controversial man in America?” Hardly. More like the emotionally dumbest numb nut in America.

To show how committed and carefree they are, Molly sports not only a new dark red ‘do but also a furry little Sasquatch on her upper lip. (Note: Sightings of Big Foot have been reported in her hometown of Wisconsin.) To persuade everyone that they’re so happy slappy and genuinely good people, they drag us through “euphoric” pre-planned situations of the two and little Ty frolicking about in the grass and giving each other high-fives.

And then comes Jason’s defiant final lines: “You can’t mess with fate (fate being his small salami).” If people want to point the finger (more like give you the finger, brah) at me, and it caused happiness in the end, then I’ll take the blame,” he says, nostrils flaring with dignity.

Boys Will Be Boys

Frat boy central comes alive when the dudes are seated and tattle to Chris about who they hated and who violated Dave’s ape-like definition of Man Code. But like it or not, Chris brings on the ‘tude and his own verbal ammo to put some of these freaks in their place–and we likey. We likey a lot.

Tanner P starts out the discussion with the boys’ hygeine issues–he complains about their smells, their gaseous expels, and–of course–the fact none of them take care of their feet. More foot talk later…

Gosh, Darn It!!!

The first victim of the night: Jakester. Ticked off that they didn’t get enough air time, many of the forgettable characters go in for the kill. There’s the case of Mark (the guarded pizza dude) who keeps it on the mean with Mr. Perfect: “Go watch an R rated movie! You’re not a black sheep being a pilot when the rest of your family are doctors! Don’t let tucking in your shirt take three hours!” As for the balcony crying scene, the Other Tanner, Tanner F, screams: “He’s pulling a Mesnick!” Among the most angry is Sasha (and that’s because he was sent away on a dirty public bus). He displaces his anger onto the Leave-It-to-Beaver Blond by saying “You’re such a f&$@-ing actor!” And then that did it. With all the bad boy he could summon within him, Jake–dressed in his starched Eddie Bauer dress shirt and ’90s Wrangler blue jeans–exclaims: “Sasha, f*%@ you, how perfect is that?” The ladies in the audience drool. (Jake apologizes to Sasha after the show.)

Cave Man Time

Attempting to look even more menacing and ape-like than before, Dave took some time out before the reunion to swing on some vines in the jungles of South America. The result? A new tan, new beard, and the same ole roid rage. He jumps into the verbal ruckus and addresses his hatred towards Don Juan, the innocent affected Latin Lover from LA. The dialogue goes something like this:

Dave: “He’s fake. He wouldn’t drink. He changed into an argyle sweater. He broke Man Code–you don’t break it.”

Chris: “Now what the hell is Man Code, you big Gorilla?”

Dave: “Man Code is an unspoken set of rules. Like none of your buds should date your ex-gf…”

Chris: “But isn’t being on The Bachelorette breaking Man Code?”

Juan: “If Man Code is about getting drunk and belligerent, then that’s not being a man! Where’s my Mama Cita?”

Dave: “There you go with your fancy words again! What does belligerent mean?”

Tanner F [to Juan]: “There you go trying to start trouble again!” (Everyone ignores him because he’s not good-looking.)

Chris: “Why does Juan have to explain (not wanting to drink)? Who gives a crap?” (You go, Chris! Earn that free ride to Hawaii!)

Mark [in defense of Juan]: “We’re a byproduct of our environments. We’re (i.e. He and Dave) a byproduct of the midwest. He’s a byproduct of L.A.”

Robby: “I loves me some Dave! I’m his court jester! I agree with everything Dave says! I hate Juan, too! Yippie!” (Who knew Robby was such a prick?)

Sexual Harrassment Case

As for Dave’s boob grazing, forced smooch attempt, and especially Your-Ass-Is-Hot comment, the audience cuts him no slack. (Even the mass headshaking is audible.) “Boooooo!” they grumble.  The brute shrugs off Jils comment about him being “a little too raw” and retorts: “It had been a month. We’ve already talked about her eyes, her personality…you don’t like your ass complimented?” he asks the angry crowd. “Nooo!!!” the girls scream. And then Chris seizes another opportunity: “This mentioning of the Man Code, where in it is the respect for women?” (Applause ensues. ABC interns start looking at more airfares for Chris.) The hulky beast starts backing off and quickly changes his opinion by saying that maybe he was out of line. Some of the guys pipe up and agree that he totally stepped over boundaries. (We just hope some day his Man Code gets violated by prison inmates.)

More Gee, Golly, Willikers!

It’s Jake’s turn to be in the hot seat, and when he takes it, the greasy overdone ladies hoot and holler. He chuckles with that stretched-out dry lipped smile that screams CHAPSTICK!

Chris: “Where did it all go wrong?”

Jake: “Oh, my gosh! I can’t believe it took that turn…”

Chris: “Did you feel it was wrong to tell her about Wes?”

Jake: “Hell no.” (His attempt at being tough.)

Chris: “Would you guys agree?” (addressing the rest of the dudes).

Dave: “You barely knew her. And you’re crying and getting emotional?!” (gets booed).

Robby: “I agree with everything that Dave says! I worship you, Dave!” (Dave gives him a doggie biscuit and punches him in the head.)

Lashing Out on Lucifer

Wes get dissed left and right. Tanner F (the one we don’t like) spews that Wes told him all his songs were made for past women. Mike, the one with great hair, says Wes is stupid. Chris searches for Satantic supporters and can’t find any in the audience. He then calls him “The Man America Loves to Hate” and introduces a video tribute of the bad boy spouting off his publicity obssessed quotes from the entire season.

Hot Seat Harris

Watching all this backstage, Jillian has now seen the boys’ true colors and comes out to say her peace. She gives props to Juan for having conducted himself in a gentlemanly manner amid the frat boys’ anger for not being like them. With a shaky voice, she tells Dave that she ought to have told him that his offensive actions were a NUH-UH in her book. To her relief, he apologizes. As for the country crooning demon and why she kept him in the game so long, Jilly gets defensive and says she is smart, full of character, and that she figured things out in the end. The audience goes silent.

Michael changes the tone by saying he’s still not quite over the bobble-headed Canuck but knows he’s become wiser from the experience and about what kind of woman he wants. Juan raises his hand to speak and says, “Chiquita, Tanner’s onto something–your feet are actually muy caliente!” To which Jils confesses that Tanner’s toe advances gave her major “foot self-esteem” and that she’s wearing his fave color, Mango Mango. (Tanner grows faint and starts lewdly tugging at his toes.)

Outtakes

Out of all the outtakes from the show, Ed (yet again!) gets the blue ribbon! Because of his deep desire for the guys to be comfortable at the rose ceremony, he cuts off the tense energy by letting out some of his–from his butt. The toot heard round the world makes the guys laugh, encouraging them to toss out their bottles of Beano and just be themselves. Way to blow it out, Richie!

Next week’s season finale promises to be a cliff hanger–with the mysterious confession revealed and Reid returning with an engagement ring! What hutzpuh!

Final Quote of the Show by the Incomparable Tanner P:

“I might not be able to play a guitar. I might not be able to break dance. But daddy can suck a mean foot.”