The Bachelorette: Paradise Lost (episode 9)

All I have to say is CO-CO-NUTS. Was that a collective orgiastic nightmare we had, or did I just O.D. on my adult gummy vitamins? Are you telling me that the explosion of the show was reached at the very ending–and not in three intervals in the fantasy suites? Ring the damn alarm–Silly Jilly is an emotional masochist!!!

But before we sound off, we must start at the beginning. The Three Stooges and the Schlongette belly dance down to the breathtaking islands of Hawaii where the beauty of the land takes us high, and Jils’s grave insecurities, obsession for a diamond ring, and relentless piggy squeals bring us to an all-time low–(there’s also the case of Ed’s verdant daisy dukes, but we’ll get to that later).

Leap of Gay

Kipster and Jilly embark on an adventurous obstacle course for their date because the anxious bobble head thinks the challenge will scare him into giving her a sparkly. So what’s worth noting here? Pretty much zilch–although, did you check out his svelte feminine legs? He better get those lovelies insured…

As for the obstacle course, Girlfriend (a.k.a. Kiptyn) sashays through them with a snap. The Princess of Big Hair, on the other hand, practically pukes out her breakfast from the sheer horror of the heights. Acting like a helpless damsel in distress, she begs him to go first and then makes him promise to play tonsil hockey after every course. The last challenge requires them to balance on an eight-inch wide pole and then jump onto a trapeze. After much coaching from Kippy, Jils finally finds her balance but then lamely falls without even trying to strike a pose like Kip does. Of course, he gracefully hits the mark and floats like a butterfly in the air–if only he had his tight leotards to show off…

At dinner, she’s determined to find a flaw and asks him what gives. To which he replies, “I have at least one for sure.” (One vice. Wow. That’s a lot.) He admits to her he’s been impatient in past relationships (i.e. he has majorly high expectations). Although this should’ve confirmed her fears, her need to be convinced otherwise dominates her emotional IQ and she easily melts at his remark of having “a leap of faith” in their coupledom. (Note: He says nuttin’ about getting on one knee by show’s end.) Thankfully for him, Jils isn’t paying attention to his yapping now. She’s too preoccupied by her premeditated decision to bump uglies with Mr. Perfect. She pulls the overnight card out of her schlongette and says she’d regret it if they didn’t have some nasty relations. Unfortunately, ABC doesn’t show us what goes on behind closed doors, but we can only assume he asked her to talk like a butch on that lusty night.

“I Like You This Much”

After rolling out of bed with Kippy, Jils happily traipses out to meet Reid for a romantic sightseeing helicopter tour. Although picturesque waterfalls and vast greenery abound, the giggly twosome can’t keep their eyes off each other. The pilot, who is also an ordained minister, teases them by saying he could marry them right then and there, to which Jils so eloquently replies, “Let’s get this s%@# done!” Reid’s face immediately turns green and he desperately wishes he was at the Wailing Wall. Eventually, they land at a seaside picnic and that’s when Jils decides to bring on the demands about getting hitched. Since Reid isn’t the most reticent fella, he says, without hesitation, she’s putting a lot of pressure on him. She’s unapologetic, waiting for him to express his undying love (that doesn’t exist yet, bizatch). He squirms and equates himself to a four-year-old when it comes to expressing his emotions. “I like you this much,” he kids with his arms spread out. She’s hardly amused and compares him to “a magic eight ball.”

But never you mind all that. Ready or not, here she comes (no pun intended)! Proposal or not, the freshly laid Canuck is on the prowl to be de-budded once again, and she wants to compare shaboikens (although she doesn’t have to guess whether or not Reid’s circumcised–ahem). The Overthinker is nervous, but his rubber ducky is soothed when the lovebirds decide to start the all-night session with a bubble bath.

Ed Wears Short Shorts

Jils says she’s looking for a big sign from Ed while on their catamaran boat ride along the Pacific. Oh, and before they sail off, she gets one: the debut of his bronzed feminine legs accessorized with his green daisy dukes. WTF?! No man should have legs that girlicious! Although she snarls with jealousy, the skinny She-Bang Bangs shakes it off like a good sport and decides to return to the game she knows best–the You-Left-Me-Now-Feel-Guilty game. She reiterates how lovely it would’ve been to meet his folks, and again, he apologizes. To remedy the situation, he reveals his family calls him Richie. (Wow.) But Ed’s a sneaky little bastard; he’s got something up his sleeve (because we sure as hell know there’s nothing going up in his pants). After a few dives into the ocean, the sun-drenched couple return to the boat where the computer geek surprises her with “I’ve flown my parents out here to meet you!” Jils squeals with delight and then immediately asks if she can borrow his daisy dukes.

The Basket Case

Ed’s parents seem like normal folk when the couple arrive. Jils starts out with flying colors by blaming their only son: “You have no idea what your son has been putting me through!” Naturally, neither parent looks amused, especially with the fact that the chirpy stranger practically has her hand on their son’s family jewels.

The mother eventually warms up to her (we now know where Ed gets his looks from), but the biggest surprise is Daddy Cakes. While mom and Jilly have their scripted one-on-one time, Ed’s dad blurts out “What the hell are we doing here? What is going on?!” Ed tries to humanize his feelings the best way a robot can; he also adds that his job is secure, (which is a great indication that Ed still put his job first). His dad immediately calms down, encourages his son with a few megabytes of love, and then scampers over to the backwoods Canuck with a protective fatherly air. “Who are you?” he says incredulously. Moments later, Daddy Cakes is on the verge of tears.  What the hell kind of a bi-polar case did I just witness? I wonder in awe. Now, it all makes sense! The reason why Ed is devoid of personality and emotions is because his father has the franchise all to himself.

And then night arrives gift wrapped with an overnight card. This is Jils’s last attempt at spreading herpes. Before their bodies get busy, foreplay comes in the form of conversation:

Jils: “Now, you broke my heart…I don’t want to ever take a back seat to your PC.”

Ed: “I don’t want to check my email til 9 o’clock at night (He literally said that, no joke). I think you’d balance my life out. You’re the reason why I’m not working. I’m falling in love with you. I have very strong feelings for you.”

With that, she kisses Richie Rich, and they waltz to the bed. As he lay there looking petrified (we know he’s a virgin), she slowly goes to the restroom to fetch her diaphragm. “This chick is smokin’ hot and why does she like me?” he wonders. (We’ve been asking the same question, Ed.) She comes back with a sheer number on, and he’s dumbfounded. He starts massaging her legs with oil, and then before things get any more hot and heavy, Ed Junior decides to take a nap. Ed Senior is crushed. He bites his lip and wishes he had downed a bottle of Horny Goat Weed.

The Hardest Rose Ceremony Ever

After much begging and pleading, Chris, the host, convinces ABC to pay his way to Hawaii. He chats it up with the lucky brunette, and she intimates her fears about each guy:

About Kiptyn: Will he break my heart?

About Reid: Why can’t he tell me he doesn’t want to lose me?

About Ed: Can he get it up?

Chris, who’s too busy secretly cackling his ass off on his free ticket to paradise, tries to focus on her complaints but doesn’t want to deal. He shuts her up as a father would do to his kid by putting on some videos for her to watch. The snippets are of the boys’ last pleas.

Kiptyn’s plea: “Take a chance on me! I promise I’ll only break your heart the way a gay man can!”

Reid’s plea: “Pumpin’ the pasties with you was one of the greatest nights of my life. Keep your honey bear around!”

Ed: “You’re beautiful, intelligent, funny, sometimes inappropriate (OMG, did Ed tell a funny?)….and I love it. I love you. By the way, I can get it up, I promise.”

The L-word floors Jils. She makes that stressed mushy faced look–you know, the one in which she looks like she’s about to burp and her turkey neck swells.

The three men wait while she frantically tries to make a decision. She walks over and admits that she’s actually falling in love with all three guys but that at least she’s falling in love. None of them smile. She pauses and then suddenly asks Ed if they could privately chat. While Jils take him aside, Kip whispers to Reid, “She’s got a tough decision, I can’t imagine being in her shoes…I, too, would find it hard not to fall in love with you two,” he growls.

Jils’s convo with Ed goes something like this:

Jils: “First of all, what in god’s name are you wearing?”

Ed: “I wanted to look celestial for you.”

Jils: “Second of all, nevermind all the cameras, the millions watching, and your parents being here–I’m worried you have permanent erectile dysfunction.”

Ed: “Whatever you’re worried about, you don’t have to be. Trust me. Little Ed can travel north, east, south, and west and every where in between, I promise.”

And with that, Miss Gullible shocks and enrages all of America by sending her true mate, the honey bear home. The move is arguably the dumbest and most unfair she’s made to date. She convulses in tears while we all shake our heads and raise our fists screaming “Emotional Masochist!” at our TV screens.

Poor, poor fella. Although admittedly indecisive, he’s thanklessly the most honest. In true Reid style, he chatters in the limo ride home until day turns to night. He concludes that he’s to blame for what just happened. (Don’t worry, Pooh Bear, there are plenty of ladies out there who’ll be your Christopher Robbin!)

Next episode brings back all our faves–Toe Taps, Too Perfect, Angry, Latin Lover, Lucifer, and more! It’s the reunion! Whoo hoo!