The Bachelorette: Matters of the Corazón (episode 8)

Gayness! Cuteness we love to hate! A desktop who knows not the human language of love! And wickedness finally revealed! This week’s adventure whisks us to Spain, a place where romance should be celebrated, but thanks to a couple numb nuts, we find it decimated. Now that Jils is down to four victims, her barren ring finger is getting a bit spastic. So what does she do to get her boys to barf out their feelings and hunger for her even more? She arms herself with the guns we ladies are born with: our yappers and our chastity belts. Talk about great balls of fire!

Issue 1: The Heartbreaker

Jils is afraid Kippy Skippy is out of her league and that he’s not as into her as she is in him. Unfortunately, she’s right on the money, but fortunately for her ego’s sake, not for the reasons she fears.

Ya see, I thought Kiptyn was simply a narcissist who was looking for perfection (hence, the heartbreaker attribute). At first glance, his washboard abs and his successful career were enough to explain his passivity towards pursuing the ladies; he knew they’d be throwing themselves at him before he had to. BUT after countless exposure to his odd careening neck movements, his need to be plastered every time he makes out with Jilly, his feathery voice, and them pretty batting eyelashes–not to mention his creepy Mommy Dearest–I realized that I was totally wrong about him. This home boy isn’t narcissistic–he’s just gay as the day is long! Voila! Mystery solved.

So it’s no big surprise that as they chit chat it up, he tells the eager-to-please brunette that he believes “a proposal [is] far off” (Kip, you’re gay and it’s okay!) Jils puts on a frowny face. So with all the intelligence she can muster, she tells him they still have lots of time (whoo hoo! three weeks!) and how totally “cool” it’d be to get engaged. (She also forgot to use the words “rad” and “gnarly,” but we’ll give her time to develop her vocabulary.)

No Paella But There Will Be Dancing!

Jils is determined to put Kipster into a state of vulnerability. So what better way than to force him to flamenco dance wearing overly tight costume pants and a red sash! (Psst, he secretly likes the sash!) Guided by a skilled flamenco dancer, the two learn the basic steps and proceed, with the help of a confused-looking accoustic guitarist behind them, to botch the beautiful art so embarrassingly that for a moment there, Kip thinks he’s straight.

Let’s Talk About Sex

After a moped ride down Madrid, Jilly and Kippy sit down to have dinner. But before the poor boy could spread butter on his bread, the lascivious Canuck dives into conversation about his tight pants and how it felt on his crotch and more specifically, his “boys.” Kip laughs nervously. She then immediately segues into “Do you want to have ankle biters?” and “So would your ex gfs say you’re too much of a softy?”  To which he replies: “Oh, don’t you worry, girlfriend, (snaps his finger and jerks his neck) I’ll tell you what’s on my mind!”

After noshing on snails and wanting to puke them out, the couple gets interrupted by a waiter who politely slips them the “overnight” card–a message from Chris, the forgettable host, who informs the two that if they so desire, they could freely pump the pasties in a fantasy suite.

Because Jils still isn’t quite convinced that Cali boy is really into her, she forgoes gettin’ it on and instead, settles for “teasing” him with a makeout fest, intertwined legs and all. For Kip to get through this one, he imagines he’s smooching George Michael.

Issue 2: There Is No Issue, Dammit!

Perhaps the most sticky sweet segment is Jilly’s time with Reid. What transpires between the two lovebirds is sincere laughter, joy, and witticisms…and I hate it! I hate it!!! Chemistry is at its all-time high with this pair, and honestly, to watch these two snuggle and giggle their way through Spain makes me want to Hershey swiss in my panties in revolt.

As they frolic from shop to shop buying picnic food, they reveal their henious Spanish: Jils condescendingly makes hand gestures to get her message across, while Reid, who tries to tell the butcher he’s doing great, mistakenly says to him “Soy grande,” which translates as “I’m big.” (Ay Carumba! Jils makes a visual note of that statement.)

As they eat their munchies on a bench, Reid shyly expresses his feelings to the squealy chica opposite him. “You know I’m not good at this stuff,” he says. (No worries, señor, Ed’s up next!) The spikey haired schlong does just fine and tells her he thinks they’re in a good position to be more serious, even though he never says the “M” word. But apparently, she isn’t frazzled by this; she’s just happy there’s at least one in the bunch who’s as verbose as she is.

Issue 3: All Work and No Play Makes Ed a Dull Boy

Like a computer, Ed is efficient. What comes out of his mouth is so succinct and repetitive that he saves me so much time in my synopses.

As the odd couple are carried off in a romantic carriage ride, this is the gist of their dialogue:

Ed: “Must. Have. You. Back. Feel guilty. You mean more to me than all the new apps I could ever download onto my Blackberry.”

Jils: (for the tenth time) “Like so how could you have abandoned me? How could you leave a complete stranger like me for a life in Chicago that took you years to build? Have you no common sense?”

Ed: “I couldn’t get you off my mind–I couldn’t hit ‘delete.’”

Jils: “How could you hurt me like that? “Why did you come back?”

[drum roll]

Ed: “I wanna be with you because I really wanna be with you…I was working and realized I just wanna be with you.”

They exit out of the carriage and strangely, saunter into a public fountain and makeout. Ed has one hand wrapped around Jils, while the other is secretly text messaging his team members back in Chicago.

For their dinner date, the two meet up and coincidentally, are both dressed like penguins. The tenacious piranha continues biting the good intentions of  Short Circuit by saying how wrong he was to forsake her. Despite her guilt-provoking onslaught, Ed easily manages to say the two things she wants to hear: He’s ready to get hitched and that of course, he’d like to produce some rug rats. When the overnight card is delivered, the tech guru says he’d gladly like a recharge. But to his dismay, she says the same schpeel about not giving it up. His eyes darken with disappointment, but she ends up making out with him in a hotel room. He manages to say “I wanna be with you because I wanna be with you” once more. (Repetition seems to be an ongoing theme with both parties.)

Issue 4: Lucifer

Jils isn’t happy with her demon lover. Her trip out to Austin and her surprise visit from Jake spun her into a tizzy. With this on her mind, she pouts as she waits for the slithery Southerner to arrive for their day date. Not even a pitcher of sangria could help her get into a better mood!

Meanwhile, Ol’ Unfaithful doesn’t have a care in the world. He’s enjoying his free ride to Spain, as well as the free publicity. In fact, the first words that come out of his chopper concerns his album and his band. But little does this snake charmer know that the dumbfounded snake is about to bite! Hissss!

The only quasi-happy moment Satan and Miss Pissy have together is when they bicycle through a piazza, but even then, the latter is analyzing every move he makes–and this time, his rico suave moves aren’t so rico suave!

Fall from Grace

While they’re nibbling on vittles outside, Jils notices Wes’s lack of intimacy and decides to go in for the kill. She brings up the idea of him moving to Canada; he looks at her as if she’s on crack. For the first time, he’s speechless. After an uncomfortable exchange of ambiguous verbage, he changes the subject by pointing out a “footless bird” he sees in the distance. His nerves get the best of him, and he knocks over a bottle of beer! (He was hoping that the spillage would prompt Jils to jump on all fours and lap up like a thirsty dog, but this time the bubbly doesn’t bring her into temptation. His schemes are waning!)

Numero Uno

At dinner the 101 questions rocket out of Jilly’s mouth–but not the kind that she had asked Flamboyant, Teddy Ruxpin, and Robot Man. Instead, she wants to know what the hell this bad boy is hiding, and this time, she’s not holding back. The unraveling ensues like so:

Jils: “So you knew your career would benefit from this…”

Wes: “I coulda been long gone, girrrl, but…They say love don’t come eeeasy…”

Jils: “Then why aren’t you making out with me like all the other guys?! How do I know you really care for me?!”

Wes: “I’m not here to hurt you–uhh, what’s your name again? But look, Numero Uno is most imporant here. Actually, I’m thinking of calling my next album Numero Uno.”

Jils: [cue shocked face with open mouth]

Jils: “So what’s the deal with this Laurel chick? She must’ve been really important to you.”

Wes: “Well, my girlfriend–I mean, my ex-girfriend….[clears his throat] Hey, did I tell you she was so happy for me when my album went to numero uno in Chihuahua, Texas? ”

Jils: [cue shocked face with open mouth]

[overnight card enters and Wes reads it.]

Wes: “I can push aside promotion right now for some poontang.”

Jils: “Be gone with you, Satan!”

The Easiest Rose Ceremony Ever

Hmmm…who in the world do you think went home last night?! After the disasterous date with the Evil One, the brunette-turned-blond-turned-brunette finally realizes that Satan can disguise himself in different forms and that she had to nip this one in the bud. To celebrate his demise, Jilly dresses in a swanky black leggy number, but before she she hands him the death certificate, he sneaks in one last shameless remark to the boys: “I’ll be back home having lots of sex.” They gasp–Kiptyn screams like a girl.

With the saddest face she can don, the punk’d Canuck takes the fiend’s hand and walks him to the car. He casually smiles and politely says his goodbyes. As an aside, she says she pities him, but he rejoices in the car ride home with these festive words:

“‘First guy who went to the final four with a girlfriend.”

“My acting days are over. I’ve got a radio tour…chains are coming off–clink clink! clink!”

“I’m in Spain, everybody’s gonna know my name.” (We hope he gets crabs before he heads back to Texas.)

Adios, Gringo!

And so the Three Stooges are left, and next week promises to be coconuts. Aloha to Hawaii!