The Bachelorette: Less Is More (After the Final Rose)

Stop the insanity. Why doesn’t this show end?! Not only did ABC re-play Monday night’s craptastic season finale but then there was–what cool Bachelorette fans like to refer to as simply–the “ATFR” show. I’d like to refer to it as the “WTF?!” or the “TMI” show but to each her own.

I’m gonna keep this short because I’ve got a day job and my hamster is waiting for mommy to paint his nails Mango Mango…

Here are the “highlights” (albeit there were so few) in keeping with my schnazzy “Less Is More” theme:

Less Audience Shots

Nobody wants to be eating their Chef Boyardee Spaghetti O’s only to find them barfed back on the floor. To prevent this, ABC must cease to pan its cameras over the audience–last night was filled to the brim with horny cougar Mary Kay consultants with bad dye jobs and leopard print halter tops. I thought I accidentally stumbled upon The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Ahhhhh! Gross! Puke! Boom! Bahhhhh!

Less of Last Season’s Characters

Looksie. We already know Melissa’s business. Plus, girlfriend didn’t seem to even want to be there–lest it transpire into one more phone call from a network to hire her on as a temp anchor.

Nonetheless, we appreciate her promoting Jessica Simpson hair extensions and giving one last “Hellz yeah!” when Chris asks her if Jason made the right decision picking Molly. (Melissa’s Bugs Bunny pearly whites will go unmentioned.)

Less Boring Characters Who Have Nothing New to Say

Kippy is a nice chappy, but he’s not entertaining–maybe just at pole dancing, but that’s another story. Being the sadistic fiend that he is, Chris decides to bring on as much drama as possible. With a sly grin on his face, he sprinkles some salt in Cali boy’s wound by asking him if the rejection is still raw, to which he affirmed it is. Kiptastic goes on about getting his heartbroken and that it sucks for both parties. Blah, blah, and blah.

Once Miss Heartbreaker comes out to join her former forlorn lover in the hot seat, Chris asks her if she knew he had had a sparkly in his possession. She says she knew once he patted his pocket as she escorted him down the bridge of shame. Kippy humorously replies he was searching for his heart.

Less of Jilly’s Dress…and Hair

If only Princess Oh Canada! got her white ruffly number to drape over her shoulder! Then she would’ve paid homage to Bjork’s swan dress–yippie!!! And what was the deal with the hot air ballon on her head? It gives new meaning to fly aways.

Less of Chris Trying to Be Oprah

Next up, Reid. Bored out of his mind, Chris tries to pull an Oprah on him by asking the same question a hundred different ways just to see if he’d shed a tear. But no matter how much pushing and prodding he does (with purposely awkward silent pauses in tow), he gets nuttin–Reid is a cool daddy-o made of steel. But the Philly boy does confess that he’s in love with Jils and that he was shocked that she didn’t pick him over the other two schmucks. He tries to nip the conversation in the bud by saying that–regardless of the outcome–he believes things are meant to be. The unrelenting host tries one more time, though, by asking “Do you feel like a piece of you is missing?” Then the camera pans in so closely into the poor broken-hearted boy’s face that his pores look like craters on the moon. “Yes,” he quietly says. “You loved her that much?” Chris pushes on. “Of course,” teddy bear says. “Well then, let’s bring out Jillian!” Chris happily exclaims.

The bouffant-headed chica walks onto the stage a bowlful of nerves. Her voice trembles and then she starts getting teary-eyed. Reid says there’s nothing left to say. She urges him to say something! (We know she just wants to torture the sad, dejected boy.) He says nothing would change the way she feels about Ed. Silence. Then suddenly (but not surprisingly) the excessive talker pipes up by indirectly asking if perhaps she gave up on him because he wasn’t schlong-tastic in the fantasy suite. The yucky women in the audience laugh coyly, wishing they could get a piece of his nether regions regardless of whether he was schlong-tastic. Jilly asks for the check, please.

Question in the audience! A girl who looks like a tween covered in Neutrogena tanning spray giggles and asks Reid if he’d date her. Everyone excitedly giggles with her. Reid pauses and then asks “How old are you?”

Less Happiness

Who wants to ever lay eyeballs on an exuberant happy couple? GROSSNESS!!! Ed comes out, showing his signature broomstick-up-the-ass stride. The lovebirds immediately cling to each other, practically pecking each other’s faces off. Chris tortures us with a series of clips that show the two freaks’ special moments with each other. The camera moves to an emotional bonita in the audience wiping away tears, revealing a cringe-worthy French manicure. (Call the cops!)

Ed announces that his fiancee plans on moving to Chicago into his apartment and that they’ll be hitched within a year. (Can I go to bed now?)

But no! I can’t! Because there’s a question in the audience! Whoo hoo! “What was up with those daisy dukes?” a gal asks Mr. Robot. Jilly immediately defends him by claiming she really liked them. The computer geek tries to jump into the convo as well, but Chris tells him to shut his trap: “This is my show! I’ll tell you when to speak, Richie Rich!” Cocking his eyebrow, the host glances at Jils and says “Whatever works for you, nut job.”

Another tortuous question in the audience! “Everything okay down there, Ed boyo?” Again, redneck Canuck comes to the rescue with a serious case of TMI: “Oh, for sure! We can’t stop humping each other!” Ed puts his hand over his face out of embarrassment…and with the other, he hides his secret place.

Voila! And there you have it! They live happily ever after. ($10 bucks says they’ll break-up within a year.) Adieu–seriously, this time!