The Bachelorette: Killing Me Softly (season finale)

[Cue swan song] And. so. it. is. The journey has ended. Jils has finally found her hot dog, her one true love. And yet…thanks to her yawn-worthy choice of a man–as well as a failed comeback from a rejected putz from Philly–the ending is ultimately worse than the beginning.

So before we wave our white flags in solemnity on this season’s insanity, let us trudge down this final odious episode together–hand and hand–and forage what  few good moments there were. Ooh da lay lee…

Canadian Fockers

It’s time for Eddie and Kippy to meet Jilly’s Fockers. And oh, was her family focked up to see the two potential sperm donors! First up, Ed. Pretty in pink, the computer programming extraordinaire enters a posh bungalow greeted by: Jils’s look-alike cousin (big hair runs in the family); Daddy Glen (now we know where she gets her schnoz from); Mommy Peggy (decked out in ugly American tourist attire); and Grandma (who doesn’t know why the hell she’s there).

Ed starts out by explaining in short, mechanical sentences why he skeedaddled off the show and why he came back. Hypnotized by his monotone voice, Mommy Peggy takes him aside and mimics his robotic chords, asking him “66″ questions (Whatevs. Actually, there were only three, Pegster.)

Mommy Peggy: “Do you want rug rats?”

Ed: “Affirmative. I believe robots should take over the world, and I want to be a part of that creation.”

Mommy Peggy: “Where do you see your relationship 30-40 years from now?”

Ed: “Retired. She’ll recharge my batteries forever and ever.”

Mommy Peggy: “What’s the glue that’ll hold you two together?”

Ed: “Honesty and love. Honesty comes easy to machines like me; we’re programmed that way. But love? Love is a foreign concept–but Jillian implanted a love chip in me when I failed at being the kind of machine she wanted me to be in the fantasy suite the other night. So I am good Robot. Robot loves Jillian.”

After the emotionally sodden exchange between potential mommy-in-law and son-in-law, Ed takes a walk outside to have some pappy time with Daddy Glen. He makes the right moves by quickly telling the sweet-natured senior schnoz that he loves Jils and asking if he could have her hand in marriage. That touches the dear man, and he tells Eddie that he likes what he sees in him and that he’d do “somersaults” if they got engaged. Then POOF!!! Suddenly, everyone is dressed in hay skirts and coconut bras, and both dad and potential son-in-law are bumping and grinding each other for a split second (no joke). (We wince in horror and pray for a commercial break.)

Jive Talking

Now it’s Kippy Skippy’s turn, and he’s ready to tell the Canadian Fockers how noncommittal he is! Surely, Jils has told them about his signature feathery voice and his awkward mouth movements he gets from Drew Barrymore! Dressed in a Brooks Brothers bright plaid short sleeve number, he greets them as affectionately as he does the giddy bobble head. (He even cops a feel of Glen’s luscious buttocks.) Mommy Peggy, donning more ugly American tourist florals, drags him by the hair into another room with her “66″ questionnaire in hand.

Mommy Peggy: “Do you want crumb snatchers?”

Kiptyn: “Yes. I want them to be like…like bee pollen in the summerwind. Gay and free, free and gay!”

Mommy Peggy: “How important is communication in a relationship?”

Kiptyn: “Come on, girlfriend! [waves her away as if she's foolish] You know we girls love to chat it up!”

Mommy Peggy: “Where do you see your relationship 30-40 years from now?”

Kiptyn: “Together of course, sister! Marrying my bf is fabulosity! I just hope I can fit into Jilly’s outfits even then!”

Mommy Peggy strokes her beard and asseses that he’s a flamboyant free spirit with similar energy output as her daughter. And what does Grandma think of all this?

Grandma: [with Irish accent] “Where the hell am I? And who are these blasted laddies?!”

While the ladies try to remind Grandma what’s going down, Kippy skips over onto Daddy Glen’s lap to have a one-on-one.

Daddy Glen: “Are you in love with my daughter?”

Kiptyn: “I’m getting there faster than I thought. I can see myself marrying Jillian. I like her backside–does that count?!”

Daddy Glen: “Jesus, Mary, Mother of God!”

But before he could answer, Jilly takes her lover boy by the hand and walks him out the front. Then the make out session begins and Kiptyn proceeds to do his sucking routine that he mistakes for kissing. Jilly’s voiceover comes on: “There’s just something (in my panties) that never wants him to leave!” (Yes, we know, silly girl.)

The family chats it up in a very PC manner about Kiptyn (i.e. saying the most boring shizatz known to man) that gives us no inkling what they’re really thinking. But Daddy Glen brings on the real by showing his bias towards more advanced technology (i.e. Ed) when he states that he’s ready for marital commitment and seems deeper than Kiptynite. Mommy Peggy retorts that “everyone is different” as a counter argument, while the cousin asks if she can have dibs on the California boy if Jilly doesn’t want him. Grandma slams her glass on the floor out of confusion.

The Volcano Finally Erupts

The obsessive overriding theme Jils is concerned with in regard to Richie is his unexcited pee pee. She wants to make sure it can ride with the punches and help plant an embryo in her flat tummy “within three years,” as she has so often reminded every boy throughout the season. To help get him in the mood, Jils takes him on a helicopter ride over an active volcano that’s spewing lava–oh the symbolism! Silly ABC makes a sexy funny!

Well, it apparently helps perk up Eddie’s carnal interest–not to mention the private lagoon they venture into afterward. With his gross Midwest accent, he tells the camera that Jils looks “hat” (he means “hot”) with the rain falling on her puffy mane. She also secretly flashes a SIM card from her bikini top before they go for a dip in the lagoon to keep him ready and randy. Speaking of the dip, we realize not only is Edward efficient, but he also recycles–his green daisy dukes come back to haunt us! All of us femme fatales shriek in horror at our flat screens–popcorn flies into the air! Rule to note for Robot Man: NEVER repeat an outift on national television! NEVVVVERRRRRR!

To make a long (and boring) story short, Ed takes Jilly back to his hotel and Action Jackson works this time.

Attack of the Eight-Pack

On his last date with Jils, Kiptyn satisfies all gay men (and many straight women) in America by showing his naughty body to their lusty eyes. The rock-hard nuggets in his ab area come to an eight-count…now if only he could do something about those girly calves of his…

A picnic on the beach and much snogging ensues. Then, the two decide to jump into the water and straddle each other on a surfboard. More snogging ensues.

“I’d be very hurt if I lost you,” he confesses at his hotel suite later that night. “I may move slower than some in this process…but I do see a future for us.”

More yapping about the enormity of marriage comes from Kip in the form of a voiceover. (We’re convinced that his verbosity is his way of trying to convince himself that he can actually follow through…)

Armageddon

The two men get to pick out sparklies for Princess Oh Canada! Kip goes for a square one; Ed goes for a big diamond shaped honker. And then ABC, in desperate need to fill out the 2-hour show, loops each character’s statements about love, committment, and marriage over and over again til we go cross-eyed and rigamortis sets in.

A stressed out Jils, dressed in what looks like a wedding dress, takes to the final stage and is greeted by Chris at the door. The host tries to keep from exploding with laughter as he knows a surprise guest will jack up her emotions even more. Ratings! Ratings! Ratings!

After she’s set to go, Kippy comes in first, donning a Willy Wonka purple suit. The poor chappy smiles as he walks the wooden bridge of heartbreak (unbeknownst to him). He’s nervous and starts saying really boring nonsense, but before he could land on all fours (wink wink) and pull out the ring, she starts wailing and says she’s in love with someone else. Always the gentleman, he says he’s hurt but that he wishes her the best. (Meanwhile, Chris is in the back playing a mean game of Connect Four with a producer.) Kip takes off in the limo and orders the chauffeur to drop him off the nearest Chippendale bar.

Minivan? Really?

A mom van rolls into the fancy pad’s driveway and takes away all the ambiance from the luxurious setting. And who steps out but a schlumpy Reid! Chris high-fives him and yells “Go get ‘em, Tiger! Play with her heart!” The confident Teddy Ruxpin, who wants to ask the bride-to-be to be his lady-in-white, strides into the house and over the bridge. At the sight of him, Jils’s tan body goes limp and starts convulsing. They embrace and do the whole forehead-to-forehead thing. It’s the hug felt round the world…cuz it goes on FOREVER and EVER.

Reid: “I was an idiot. I love you. Do you feel the same way?”

Jils: “Wha? What are you doing here? I don’t know what to think right now. I don’t know what to say.”

Reid: “I’m like a four year-old. You know how I told you I like you this much? Well, I love you this much.”

[Chris is on his walkie talkie telling Ed's driver to keep driving in circles.]

Reid: “I don’t see you with them. I see you with me…Jillian…” [opens the ring box and shows the ring]

Jils: “Wait a minute. I have to think about this….I have missed you a lot…I think I peed in my new Victoria Secret panties!”

Why Chris? Whyyyyy?!!!

Reeling from his assertiveness in the Men-Tell-All episode, Chris decides to play the role of Dr. Phil in this moment of potential emotional crisis–and screws it up for the Reid fans. By now Jils has skirted away from her honey bear and sits on a couch pulling her hair out with salty tears streaming down her made-up face.

Jils: “What do I do?”

Chris: “It’s still up to you. If you’re in love with Ed, you can stand by your convictions. But are you in love with Reid?”

Jils: “I dunno. How does someone do this?!!!”

Chris: “Snap out of it, you schmuckette! Now listen! You can do this. You know what’s right. Are you excited about Ed proposing? Do you see yourself with him?”

Jils: “I can’t let R2D2 go!”

And that did it. She sends Philly boy home. He looks at her with disbelief and keeps telling her he just can’t believe she’s not choosing a good mensch like him. Like an embarrassed little school boy, he waddles over to the oversized red mom van and shuts the sliding door behind him. “I have no regrets, but I’m not happy with the outcome. It just doesn’t make sense! I did what I had to do, but it wasn’t enough. It’s a shame!” he says. Shame indeedy, Reid. Shame indeedy.

Systems A-Go

To calm her tired heart, Jils humorously exclaims “Ed better not f@#*!-ing disappoint me!” He finally arrives, perplexed as to why it took an extra 20 minutes to get to the place. Chris runs out to greet him, with a napkin tucked in his collar and barbecue sauce running down his chin. “Go right in! She’s waiting for you, man!” he says with his mouth full and greasy chicken wing in hand.

Ed walks over the bridge of love and the boring dialogue begins:

Ed: “You may not have known how much you’ve impacted me…(Uhh, technically Ed, impacted is a reference to being constipated.)…you’re everything I could ever ask for in a woman–beautiful, intelligent, funny, confident…and you believed in the resurrection of my wiener. I know that I love you, but before we go any futher, I need to know that you love me.”

Jils: “There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m madly in love with your wiener and the sparkly you’re about to give me!”

Ed: “I wanna be with you forever…by the by, I’m wearing the daisy dukes underneath my suit. Will you marry me? ”

Jils: “Absolutely!”

Montage in slow-mo ensues of the two of them–minus the initial disapointing schlong debacle. (We all fall asleep before the show ends with tears in our eyes and drool dribbling down our mouths.)

Final Thoughts

Perhaps we wanted more drama. Perhaps we really wanted a different ending, but as they say “The show must go on” (and our lives, too!)

And so I say good-bye and thank you to all of thy sisterhood who have been kind enough to observe the art of hurried love with me. I’d say “It’s been real,” but that’d be a fib–it’s reality television for christo’s sake! So let me end by more accurately saying it’s been a: toe-grabbing, hell-raising, snobby, lushed out, b-boy hopping, and just about perfect ride! Until next time, I bid you adieu, doll faces!