And then there were eight. This past Monday, the long awaited redemption show finally arrived, chugging its way across the snowy Canadian wilderness on a luxurious train ride with Miss Cool and the Gang. But before the thought of frivolity could even emerge from our synapse’d neurons, Jils brings out the Ice Queen whip and lets all of America know that she means business–arrgh! The pressure is on for her to pick the right dudes because come next episode, she’ll be meeting the guys’ Fockers!
The Tracks Stop Here for the Dazed & Confused
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can get a rose,” says the naive bartender you’ve come to know as Robby (and whom I’ve come to know as Eugene Levy II). Although we know the real reason the Lush’d Lionness has kept Robby around is for his mixed drinks, she must now shake off being dazed and confused and realize that the young buck has those same attributes–only he’s sober.
It’s pretty obvious that Jils is concerned with being a potential Puma, so after asking him questions like “Are you ready to have my babies?” and “Do you understand the quality of my eggs are disentegrating as we speak?,” she realizes that the only thing he’s ready for is his quarter-life crisis. And she isn’t ready to babysit her baby Daddy.
So what’s a girl to do? Kick the poor boy off the train and leave him in the middle of the wilderness where he could be eaten by a big brown bear, of course. As humiliating as it is, it’s still doesn’t compare with Sasha leaving on a freaking public bus! (I can’t get over that.)
Tears of a Clown
As Robby slowly waves good-bye to the lads on board, Michael cries himself a river. He doesn’t want his lollipop taken away, too!
Rocky Mountain Release
After some snowshoeing and kiddie hide ‘n’ seek fun, the guys get busy releasing their sexual tension the only way they know how…
For Jake it’s in the form of creating a movie-like atmosphere with Jils and saying “Gee, golly, willikers” with a blushing grin.
For Michael it’s cooking smores with Jilly on the campfire. (Kids love sugar.)
For Kiptyn it’s getting to second base. (Love the finger-snapping music that comes along with the make out fest.)
For Tanner it’s massaging her toes and secretly pointing out that “if she’d paint them mango mango, they’d be a 10.”
For Wes it’s shamelessly admitting his vile schemes of self promotion. Here are a few of his obscenities:
“If there’s anyone who’s got a hidden agenda, it’d be me.”
“I’ve got nothing to lose, everything to gain.”
“The fame–it’s almost like I can taste it and eat it. It becomes a part of me. I got records to sell.”
Tanner in Two Parts
For some reason, the Toey Texan decides to come clean and admits to all the guys that he was the one who told Jils about the gf factor. Of course no one really reacts except the filthy Country Crooner. He blasts Tanner for being a rat and says it’s nobody’s business on why anyone’s on the show. (Wasn’t there supposed to be only ONE reason, my fiend?)
After the fires of hell burn out from Wes’s tongue and all the dudes bow their head in dismay, Jils rejoins the entire clan and they get to talking about what slinky stuff she sleeps in. Tanner decides to cool off and show her “what daddy wears” when he goes night night–and whoo doggie! was it a sight to see: tighty whiteys with a ginormous gift all snuggled up in a bunch.
“She knows I’ve got a foot fetish, but she knows that I’m blessed,” he says sincerely.
Aside from blushing and giggling at his big reveal, Jil’s real reaction?
“I’m not ready to see someone’s package yet…although it was huge.”
Reiding Revelation
Up until now, we knew almost nada about Reid. We just knew he was a mighty cute Philly boy with a bit of wit and porcupine hair. (And we likeyed the glasses). Well, Jils’s one-on-one with him is refreshing, and if I say so myself, he maintains the hotness factor.
Although the guys talk smack about Reid’s neurotic tendencies and the fact he over analyzes way too much, I just attribute that to their ape factor.
After the two lovebirds go snowboarding down a mountain and Reid, being that he’s a novice at the sport, willingly humiliates himself by constantly falling on his buttocks, they stride over to a lunch exquisitely set on ice sculptures and actually have some interesting exchanges.
Among them, the topic of red ears. Reid says they either mean you have high blood pressure or you’re horny. As they start snuggling up to each other, he says he has the former, and she cutely says she does, too. And then they kissey kiss. Awwww. A geniunely cute moment…and I hate it! I hate it!
The twosome take dinner indoors. Reid discovers they’re eating fondue; we discover he’s a bit of a hypochondriac and so does Jils, too. She looks at him with amusement as he describes how grossly insanitary it is to dip raw meat into boiling water.
And then there’s the list factor. Jils brings up indirectly that he isn’t anything on her ideal list of qualities she’s looking for in a mate. And with that he retorts (with a sista slide of the neck) “You weren’t on my list, either, girlfriend.” The small backwoods girl meows at the challenging, self-possessed big city boy. Opposites attract. Vehdy nice.
Nice Guys Finish Last & Big Packages Get Shipped Out
By the time the rose ceremony starts, Jils is still in a panic over whom to boot. She grabs Michael aside–which makes the other boys freak out and growl at each other–and asks him if he’s really ready for something serious (i.e. getting potty trained). He reassures her–in his twitchy nervous way–and of course, she is easily convinced.
In the end she de-buds Perfection (Jake) and Big Package (Tanner). (Yes, this means Wes slivered his way into the winners’ club.) All of America weeps and gnashes their teeth.
Future episodes promise to be spicy–a trip to Spain! Jake coming back to warn Jils about Wes! The hot dog that just can’t land the bun! A trip to Hawaii! Another surprise guest at a rose ceremony (Ed?)! Excerpts from the finale of a wavering Jils–she’s pulling a Mesnick! Oh, the drama!!!