Is it me or is each consecutive episode getting more and more el lamo? In this installment, it’s only until the very end that our eyes and ears perk up with some nuggets to yap about. The two-hour snooze fest brings us chapters of Jilly babysitting Michael, her undying paranoia about who’s playing games with her, her need to be inebriated to let her randiness come out, and Ed’s dilemma of choosing between possible lifelong hootchie cootchie or keeping his j-o-b. Ahhhh! I got a digital converter box for this mess?!
ADHD
After downing a bottle full of Adderall, Michael jitters over to Jilly for his long awaited one-on-one date in the snowy mountains. The older Canuck actually admits to viewers at home she was about to cut him off last rose ceremony and so her aim is to figure out if the b-boy has the ability to hold a serious conversation. But that’s just it: He’s a b-BOY. And at first it seems she understands this, referring to him as an unrestrained “puppy.” Unfortunately, her fun-filled ziplining experience with him knocks the wind out of her good senses (perhaps it’s the champagne at dinner as well), and she falls for his incoherent 8th grade answer about falling in love. (I suspect he also received some divine assistance since his eyes would immediately dart heaven bound any time she asked him an adult question.) Needless to say, the poster boy for Red Bull is “saved” and gets a rose.
Snow White & the Eight Dwarves
Still reeling from the gf rumor, Jilly takes eight of the dudes–Wes, Robby, Kiptyn, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid, and Mark–out for a snowmobile ride through the powder-filled forests. Each one-on-one time she gets, she questions each guy’s motives. With Tanner she directly asks him who the culprits are but to no avail. (If only she could have hypnotized him with her toes, but it was too cold for that.) Unfortunately, the suspicious brunette turns blond at the sight of Wes, who lays in the snow with her and professes his growing feelings…with dollar signs fading in and out of his red snake eyes. She dumbly buys into every word from his Southern drawl–damn, he wins again!
Twins of Lust & Lush-dom
After pitter pattering in the snow all day, the group enjoys a night hanging out around a campfire and taking turns making out with the increasingly tipsy princess in various rooms. Touch feely extraordinaire Kip-man looks like he’s had a few too many–as does the lady–and both squeal at the sight of each other. (I even saw his ears flirtatiously flap about at one point.). “Feel my butt,” she says–and so his grubby hands willingly obey. (If only David could see this “lady” get her mac on!).
Labor of Love
While Jilly is getting drrrty, Ed is outside with Jake looking like someone stole his computer–and actually, that’s just about what’s going to happen. We find out that his boss in Chicago called him with an ultimatum: “Come back to the Blue Balls Club or lose your job.” So geeky work-obsessed Ed is torn between his two loves–his HTML codes and this here brunette. The former being a sure thing–the latter not so much. A prescient Jake, being that he’s perfect anyway, tells America he doesn’t believe Ed will be at the next rose ceremony.
When Ed tells Jilly the situation, she gives him the rose to stress the hell out of him even more to stay in the game and then pulls out a sled to make all his worries go away.
Wine Boy in Da House
After shaking off the hangover from the night before, Jilly takes Jesse on the date of his dreams. The two ride a helicopter to a glacier and are left alone jumping around in the snow for an indeterminate amount of time–(I was hoping to see them panic and eat each other like on the movie Alive but that doesn’t happen.). It could’ve been the most boring date in snowlicious history but what keeps the mild fascination aflutter is the revelation that we have a Justin Timberlake on our hands (i.e. a white boy trying to talk like he’s a brotha).
Jesse: “So like, check it. When I turned six, I got me a Tonka truck and that was dope. But this–this is mo betta than a Tonka, yo.”
Jilly: “Sorry, what did you say? I was too busy fondling myself thinking about Kiptyn.”
After they jaggedly spell their initials in the untouched snow, they ride off to dinner where he admits he broke it off with his only love a mere six months prior and that he was a selfish bastard in the relationship. But wait! Before Jilly can cock an eyebrow of dismay, he tells her he’s a changed man and is ready to love again! They take a nice dip in the hot tub and steam surrounds them lasciviously. Before she moves in for the kill, he removes his beanie and a gold toof falls out of his mouth. Jonesing for a rose? Not this cat, he easily get it.
For Love or Money Amid an Economic Crisis? It’s All About the Benjamins, Eddie…
Ed’s a smart robot. He knows the lovely girl can’t pay his bills. He also computes that the probability of him winning this contest is slim–he’s got seriously stiff competition (no pun intended). So armed with his calculations, he pulls Jilly into his hotel room and tells her she ain’t worth going bankrupt over. Buh-bye. The hamster faced Canuck cries her brains out and gets really insecure with paranoid thoughts that maybe the other guys will jump on the Ed skeedaddling bandwagon. A montage of her moping about with sad rock music dubbed over ensues: close up profile shot with perfect make-up (check), body shot of her walking alone in the snow (check), riding a gondola with searching, lonely eyes (check).
Pizza Man Gets No Cheese
Since Ed leaves, only one man gets to walk the hall of shame. And in the end, taciturn pizza entrepreneur Mark gets canned. (That’s alright; we kinda forgot he was there.). Apparently, his lack of emotional output turns Jilly off. As he politely leaves the room, we find out (via his voiceover) he wasn’t just burned once as he had originally professed on the two-on-one date but that he was cheated on three other times! DANG! (Now there’s a show for you right there! Oprah, where you at?).
And you guys know the rest. Saving the juiciest morsels of drama for the last five minutes of the show was a wiggity wiggity whacked gesture on ABC’s part. We’re forced to suffer through two hours of a bunch of nuts ‘n’ honey gallivanting in the snow and then right before we go permanently cross-eyed–bam! We’re hit with the possibility that in the next episode Wes might reveal his evil publicity hound dog ways (although I have a feeling it was edited), Tanner perculates in his tighty whiteys in front of everybody, and that fear has taken someone’s sausage hostage!
