Perhaps it was because the boys in the house numbered an unlucky 13 that this chapter brings–not tidings of joy–but rather, a bad case of despair and doom. Although the show flies out to peaceful Canada, there is nothing peaceful about what unfolds!!!!
Tonsil Hockey
Before the show goes to shiz, we’re taken on an adventurous one-on-one date with Kiptyn and Jils to–where else? Face-sucking land.
Apparently, in this land little dialogue is required and we all know by now that Kiptyn is the man for the job. (Btw, when he does speak, why does the kid sound like he’s wearing a mouthguard?)
If you missed this segment, no worries–it went something like this:
Jils: “I really need to buy carrots, onions, and…”
Kiptyn: “Your eyes are so pretty…” [face goes in for the sucking]
Jils: “Why is it that we’re both from the same continent but we say ‘out’ and ‘about’ differently?…”
Kiptyn: [does a black flip, flexes his calves, and then grabs her face for some more hypnotic sucking]
The heated love fest takes a momentary rest for a revelation–using words. The Cali boy admits he’s a go-getter in all areas of his life except when it comes to the ladies. Nooooo! For real?! (Translation: Kiptyn is used to girls throwing their ‘relations’ at him like frisbees.)
Well, by the end of the night, Jils flings one of her frisbees–in the form of a rose.
Group Date Curly-Que’d
A group date is summoned bringing the likes of Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Ed, Michael, Reid, Juan, and David to the ice rink. The spandex-wearing Canuck introduces the boys to Curling, one of the most forgettable of Olympic sports. The schlongs are separated into two teams. Team Blue consists of Wes, Ed, Reid, Mike, and Tanner, while Team Red is Juan, David, Jake, Jesse, and Robby.
Guys: “We have no idea what we’re doing.”
Juan: “Curling is about flexibility, balance, and touch–and I got all three.”
In the end, Jesse gets the glory and skillfully “puts the stone in the circle.” (Is it me or does that sound dirty?) Team Red wins a yacht night with Jils, and David’s demise begins!
Bleep! Bleep! and More Bleeps!
Jake gets major camera time, revealing to America that he’s not only a nice guy with an annoyingly crooked smile but also solidifying he’s one of the most boring Leave-It-to-Beaver mutha chuckas around. “I’ve been labeled as too perfect all my life,” he confides to Jils, who looks like she, too, is getting annoyed at his disease.
He tells David (out of all people) about his “problem,” and of course, the Man Code Upholder quickly agrees that the pilot comes across as too straight-laced and that Missy is looking for a challenge. You show ‘em how it’s done, Neanderthal!
Grabbing her for some alone time, David shows his “skills.” He starts out by going in for a smooch. Jils basically asks for a rain check. He pouts and says he’s never been denied!!! (Uhh, that’s because he’s a date raper.) Since that doesn’t win her over, he proceeds to tell her he had been checking out her spandex’d J-Lo all day long and liked what he saw. Jils eyes dart east and west nervously. And if that isn’t enough, he starts saying how hot she looks with her (T-word!) all falling out. Then he cops a feel! WTF?!!!
“She’s testing me and I love it–the game was on!” the numb nut exclaims. But we all know she’s feeling majorly disrespected, and it’s totally game over.
The night ends with Jesse (who looks like a Backstreet Boy wearing that po boy hat) getting the rose.
Two Rejects on a Mountain Top
Mark and Mike are chosen for the scary 2-on-1 date on top of a scenic mountain top, and by night’s end, Jils has to ax one of them. But because we all know that both of these invisibles are going to get the boot by season’s end anyway, it makes this segment all the more yawn-worthy.
For what it’s worth, Mark is somewhat of a pleasant surprise. While dumbfounded for most of the date, the mysterious pizza entrepreneur finally utters a few sentences to save his pepperoni’d ass from total rose annihilation to the loquacious Jose Conseco look-alike:
Mike barfs out his emotions in the sweetest way possible saying things like: “I might not be the most talented, most successful, or most attractive–but I want to take care of you.” Oh, Mikey, don’t know you know she doesn’t want a push over?
Mark slaps the girl around a bit by bringing on the tough love. Apparently, he’s been burned in the past–hence why his guard is way up. He keeps it real and in a roundabout way says he’s not in love with her but that he believes in love, and knows that no matter what happens, it’s out there for the taking. (I’ll have some extra cheese with that, please.)
That honest hard-to-get attitude wins him the rose–and breaks Mike’s heart. But at least he gets a gondola ride home, rather than a dirty public bus.
Dr. Jekyll, Mr. HIDE
It’s Jils’s cocktail party and she can cry if she wants to–and it’s ultimately Tanner’s caveat that brings down the waterfall. Fear and frustration drive him, Ed, and Jake to talking smack about the bad boys: Wes and David. Wes supposedly admitted to them that he’s got a girl back home, and David (like I have to explain this).
Wes is oblivious to his reputation and is too busy wooing Jils with his Satanic verses. As he whispers lies! lies! lies! into her ears, someone screams “Disgusting!” from the window. “It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” Jake says about the way Wes is with the boys and the way he is with the lady-in-waiting.
Tanner, being that he’s partially gay, gets some girly time with Miss Naivete, warning her that some of the boys have got some side toys. She’s devastated and pissed. “No more cocktail party for you!” she screams to the guys and storms out to figure out who she wants to kick off.
Manning Up
After the shock wears off, the guys start suspiciously looking at each other–some of them demanding that dudes better “man up” about gfs back home. Always calm and collected, Wes denies. Tanner twitches. This goes on for a couple minutes.
At the rose ceremony, more manning up is demanded but no dice. Jake starts the dialogue by saying he’s pissed off (oooh, I’m so scared!) and then Robby and Michael stomp their feet. All the while, Tanner looks like he’s about to faint and Wes keeps it cool. Of course, David turns the conversation from finding the culprits to trying to find out who the snitch is. The guys start sniffing around. Juan looks at Tanner. Tanner pees in his G-string and screams a few bleeps! at him to look away. Wes comes out saying he’s innocent…Jake shakes his head incredulously. Zilch progress.
And with that, Jils shows the door to David and Juan–the latter being a gentleman, the former being a brute. Who knows if Neanderthal ended up with a broken heart–perhaps more a broken ego. What we do know is his hatred is intact as he closes the show with paranoid thoughts of Juan sabatoging his chances and allows ABC to bleep! his poetic utterances one more time.
In the next episode, we get to watch white peoples engaging in the whitest white man sport–skiing! The snow soon gets heated for Tanner as Jils puts the pressure on him to unveil the two-timer! And Jils cries buckets in front of what looks like the unknown creep!
