Oh, winds of change. Why hast thou changed my mind and taken me hither? Hither being: 1) Jils’s self-righteous factor feeling like an old hemorrhoid; 2) Kiptyn’s awkward posture and sensitive tone screaming gay (and speaking of gay, why the hell are there so many queens on the show?); 3) David’s obscene bullying making me want to pet Don Juan’s head with pity; 4) and Tanner the Toe Freak’s honesty and comedic relief actually forcing me to kind of like him. This is my confession. Whyyyy!?! Why lawd have you forsaken me!?!
If you didn’t catch last night’s episode, consider yourself lucky. Pretty damn boring if you ask me. But here are the highlights.
Ed = Robot Love
Jils has two individual dates and one ginormous group date. Her first date is with Ed, who reveals himself to be a boring douche who’s the typical IT nerd, his mantra being: What are emotions, Mommy? (But he’s got great eyelashes.) The two land on top of a skyscraper via a helicopter ride where they spend most of the time doing the touchy-feely thing. Besides Ed hershey-swissing in his panties when he realizes they’ll be zip-lining from the top of the building to the bottom where a pool awaits, there’s nothing to note here, other than the fact she buys into his BS and gives him a rose.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
For her group date, Jils takes eleven of the boys–Reid, Wes, Mike, Michael, Tanner F, Mark, Brad, Robby, Tanner P, Kiptyn, and Juan–to a movie set, dresses them in cowboy gear, and forces them to get “out of their comfort zone” by acting with her in a Western romance, which is really her opp to pimp her lips out to the panting horny dawgs.
Helium-voiced Brad plants one on Jils exclaiming: “I gave Jillian one of the best kisses of her life.”
To which Tanner P says: “That was the worst kiss I’ve seen since 1988.”
Gay Cowboys
The ABC writers went Brokeback and forced Michael and Mike to exchange a few lusty lines with each other. The two played it off fine–even in the midst of the other dudes taunting them to kiss (I think I saw a few of them holding their pee pees out of excitement)–and ultimately scored points with Jils. But it was the lip-sucking scene with the schnozzed out bartender Robby that melted the acting out of Jils and brought on the real thing, baby! She likey. She likey a lot. (He eventually gets a rose.)
Toe Tappin’: “Touch ‘em, Suck ‘em, Feel ‘em, Twease ‘em” (Twease ‘em? Really???)
To celebrate the long day’s work on the film set, Jils takes the ego-battered chumps up to a rooftop penthouse for some hot tubbin. But wait! Tanner P’s only got his mind on some toe luvvvin. Grabbing the bikini clad victim’s foot, he obsessively rubs it all over his face while the other lads watch in total confusion. “I don’t have any special skills or special agendas. I’m here to suck on some toes,” he says. But, to his cred, he also admits he wants to know the woman behind the feet first and foremost.
Here he is making unintelligble noises and doing a jig for Jils’s piggies:
open source video, online video platform, video streaming, video solutionsMythical Unicorn
Poor idealistic naive Sasha. For the second individual date, Jils chooses the young Texan oil consultant who describes himself as a “wolf” looking for his “mythical unicorn.” After a fun speed ride in a Ferrari, she almost goes floral on him–especially with his traumatic car accident story bit–but stops short when he tells her he’s never been in love. WTF?! Never been in ruv?! (That was her reaction–secretly.). Because she fears she won’t be able to live up to perfection–the “mythical unicorn” he wants her to be–she not only dumps him, but she also makes the poor “wolf” exit by way of…a public bus! G-h-e-t-t-o.
Roid Rage
Where there’s love, there’s also hate. Of course, David takes it up a notch with Juan: Amid the roids and the shots on the rocks, it was an episode of Murder He Spoke–(cuz he sure as hell couldn’t write the damn thing). From bleeped-out after bleeped-out scene, the night is filled with his need to lambaste the Latin Lover and berate any dude who tells him to take a chill pill. His eyeballs go on swirl mode, his fangs come out. “I hate him!” he screams. “Stop being a cheese ass and be yourself,” he chides at Juan–then runs away. (His diaper comes undone.) Juan cooly takes a sip of his tequila while a maraca rattles off in the distance. El pollo loco, he thinks.
Helium Deflates; Blond Goes Bust
Although Jils’s decision to reject Sasha sends a ripple of nerves throughout the playgirl mansion, she does what we all know the inevitable was going to be: Girlfriend de-buds prepubuscent-voiced Brad (why the hell was his mouth red?) and the other Tanner. Sadly, nice guys sometimes do finish last.
Next week’s episode is going to get juicy when Jils tells David–who’s pushing her for some Action Jackson–that she ain’t that kinda girl. (I think he kills her in the end. Ya know, the whole Fatal Attraction thing.) What fun!