The Bachelorette: Dumb & Dumber (episode 7)

After last night’s episode, we all need to take a chill pill. Too much excitement, too much anger, too many surprise guests. But the suspense and stimulation was no match for the new character that emerged from the show! Who is this new character you feverishly ask? Why Jils, of course! She officially revealed herself to be an incognito blond of the highest caliber. Wes, whose slimy, audaciously deceptive ways usually possess me to writhe and foam at the mouth, is overshadowed by the Canuck’s self-deception–or is she just obscenely naive? Either way, I’m starting to think that maybe getting burned by Satan incarnate might inspire peppy chick to wake the hellz up! This week’s title is for you, Jilly!

Family Revelations

This show is all about Jils Meeting the Fockers. And every Focker fam she meets seems to be perfectly peachy keen–with lots of scripted dancing and singing to boot. Lameness! But what makes these little introductions so interesting is not whether Jils fits into the families, but rather, what she finds about each individual schlong.

Reiding Rainbow

Jils’s meet-and-greet with Reid’s fam in Philly is all sunshine and rainbows. (Btw, isn’t Reid’s dad a total mentsch?) Although she’s a Christmas celebrating gentile, the fact that she is a designer–which as Reid’s mother points out, complements Reid’s realty career–is kosher enough for them. The fam is quite taken aback at the level of affection the spiky haired “overthinker” openly shows to his potential precious, but we also find out that Reid, being the typical confused middle child that he is, seems to rely way too much on his family’s opinions rather than his own. Oy vey.

Twin Piques

America can barely handle the compulsive, explosive hyper twitchiness of Michael, but alas! surprise! we meet his identical twin mutant named Steve! After Jils meets the easily excitable clan and the twin freaks try to do a switcharoo on her but fail, she chats it up with his look-alike, who asks her if she’s alright with being a Puma. She readily admits the vast four-year difference between the two does give her reservations (like, hello, when he was a freshman in high school, she was a ginormous senior—RAPE!), but before she could say another word, the supportive bro jumps in to reassure her that Mikey’s young sperm want to fertilize her aging eggs now. Young fatherhood, he says, is both the twins’ dream. Goo. Goo. Ga. Ga.

Polished, Put Down, and Premature

Perfect Kiptyn takes Jils to San Diego to meet his perfect family in their perfect home. The parents intimidate the shiz out of the self-proclaimed country bumpkin by barfing out their intelligence, culture, and refinements, all the while trying to show they also have a sense of humor by sealing off their hottub in the back. (Apparently, the Hot Tub Harris moniker ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.)

If you think that’s tasteless, then get a tasteful of this: In a strange initiation of sorts, the folks direct her to two plates of lasagna and two glasses of vino, one lasagna being cooked by Kip’s stepdad and one glass filled with “acceptable” fermented grapes. She must choose the right combo or be rejected from San Diego high society forever! Luckily for her, she picks the right ones–although I think she secretly preferred the Stouffer’s lasagna.

Kip’s mom steals the lucky gal (and her confidence) away for a moment by asking her questions about what she regrets from past relationships. Jils answers with some jibber jabber about working hard for happiness to which the mom snaps with ridicule: “Working for your happiness is a contradiction of terms, you freakishly silly little girl. And didn’t I tell you NO WIRE HANGERS!!!” The potential daughter-in-law preemptively starts chopping off her locks in fear.

Meanwhile, a big bomb is about to come out of Kip’s chopper. In stoic Brando style, his ever cool sister takes her younger bro to the side and advises him to take his time, no need to jump into anything. He readily agrees with her and says the idea of proposing to the big haired brunette at six week’s end is a bit “premature.” The noncommittal nut muffin we’ve suspected all along finally speaks the truth!

Ice Man

We all know that Jils like to get her drink on so there’s no surprise she’s giddy to enter Jesse’s wine country world. But let’s forget the girl for a moment–I wanna know why the hell ABC never told us that Jesse is kid brother to Jesus! The fam calls him “Jacob” but they can’t fool us–we know Christ when we see Him–even a cynical one at that. Over dinner Jils asks “Jacob” if he’s dating, and he snidely says that women are expensive and that he’s putting his focus on the family business (yes, turning water into wine, we know, oh Holy One). Later, as Jils admits that Jesse was initially one of the more difficult guys to decipher, the older bro confides that it’s in Jesse’s character to be an “emotional ice cube.”  (Jesus Christ, that really helps.) Regardless of the discouraging words, Jesse’s family and a drunken Jils dance the night away. Did anyone see Jesse’s mom gettin her groove on? Who’s her supplier?!

Angels & Demons

And now comes the part you’ve all been waiting for. The fight between Good and Evil. Jils flies down to Austin, Texas, where Wes lies and schemes. Before she meets up with him, she tells the cameras that she senses “one of us is holding back” and that she wants to get to the bottom of it. Of course, she forgets her gut feelings and jumps up and down like a wittle girl when she sees her Southern daddy. As steam floats off his head, he slyly grins and introduces her to his “second” family–his band. He proceeds to plug in his 15 minutes, crooning a bunch of hee hawin mediocrity. And if it couldn’t get any worse, he sings that gnawingly horrid song that ABC keeps looping: “They say love don’t come eeeeeasy…” (I bashed my head into the nearest wall.) Miss Ignormus coos, falling deeper into his sinful claws!

While her soul is being stripped away, a guardian angel flies back to save her: Jake! With his signature Leave-It-to-Beaver voice, he tells America that he must do this to protect her from the Deceiver! He calls Tanner for support, and he gives the aviator his full blessing (…all the while gnawing at another woman’s toes).

From there the drama ensues like so:

Knock. Knock.

Who’s there?

Jake.

Jake who?!

Jake, Your Guardian Angel of Perfection. But just an FYI, you dumb biatch, I ain’t trying to get you back.

Shazaaam! Puttin the girl in her place! So after an unnecessarily long pause that practically constipates all the viewers at home, he spits out that Weasel has a gf named Laurel. Jils cries and gets mushy faced. Why meee?! she sobs. To make a long story short, Wes comes by soon after to take her to his fam’s house, she spills the beans, and of course, he denies Jake’s claims. Jils, being so easily confused, calls Jake in. And it’s showtime!

Alright, so the “showtime” is a bit anti-climactic. I was hoping there’d be marred genitalia flying in the air, but we get the G-rated version with Jake sitting opposite side of Wes with some verbal smack down between the two, interlaced with a few Southern man-to-man terms of endearment. Jake eventually gets up to leave, hugs the dumbfounded brunette-blond goodbye, and then cries on the hotel balcony. (Why do they all cry on balconies?)

Wes stands firmly on his lie that he’s telling Jils the truth, and he also throws in that he’d still like her to meet his clan. So what convinces her to meet them? Of course, like all women, she wasn’t gonna put her kick ass outfit to waste. GF or not, she was gonna buy some more air time and show off her duds, dammit!

Tardy and poker faced, the two greet the sea of Texan Lady Liars. Mother Evil shrewdly builds confidence in the ever hopeful bachelorette by saying that her son “doesn’t have three to four relationships going on at the same time.” (Righto. He has five.) The sisters blabber on about how wonderful and honest their brother is, while the one tadpole who signed him up for the show in order to get his band publicity, says he’s totally trustworthy. (She’s asking for 2% of his cut.)

Techie Tailspin

After the craziness in Texas, Jils flies back to LA with open arms. But before she can stir up a martini glass for old time’s sake, there’s a knock on her hotel door. Whoever could it be? [cue electronic music] It’s ED!!! In his best R2D2 voice he says: “My circuits were broken, but now I can function properly. Please take me back. I made a mistake. No disassemble Ed.” And with that, she tells him he may come to the rose ceremony.

B-Boy Breaks Down & Sour Grapes Go Bad

While Jils deliberates, host Chris Harrison invites Ed back into the rose ceremony to the shock of the fab five. There are a few snarls but mostly grunts of reluctant acceptance among the testosterone-filled room. The canary-gowned airhead floats in and starts dishing out the roses. Surprisingly, she gives Ed the second to last rose, which is an implication that he is–even without an intro to his fam–still high on her potential sperm donor list.

So who were last night’s victims? To everyone’s outrage, it wasn’t Wes, but rather The Poster Boy for Red Bull and the “Emotional Ice Cube.” So sad, so sad. Even if you were annoyed with Michael’s antics, his broken-hearted spiel made you feel for the kid. Looking at the bright side, at least he has his twin mutant to lean on when he gets back home…and Jesse has Jesus to talk to.

The next show promises lots of fun, romance, and paella. Viva la Spain!