The Amazing Race! The emergence of Satan! Man codes broken! Minorities emerge?! And Little Frank & Beans gets the pink slip! These are some of the gripping highlights of episode deux!
The Crazy Eight Do the Amazing Race
For her first group date, Miss Peppy chooses Tanner P (Footsie Guy), Michael (Breakdancer), Brian (“Hot Tub Harris!”), Mathue, Sasha, Wes (Country-singing Stoner), Brad, and Ed.
The eight are taken to the poolside where Jils is laying out in her itsie bitsie bikini. Hot bods are rampant as the dudes lounge about in their trunks. Mathue’s hearty muscular boobs do a quick jig for America. Suddenly, Michael scurries off upstairs with the cellulite-free Canuck and gets some alone time. They giggle like two little school girls and b-boy thinks he’s scored. Jils slyly goes downstairs and reaches for the awaiting rose. The guys are forlorn (NOOO! Not the Vanilla Ice Wannabe!)
Michael is just about cackling like a hyena, waiting for the princess and the prized rose. But wait! Jils zooms off in a car, nowhere to be found! Alas, they discover it’s time to rev up them engines! It’s a mad race to find Jils. The winner gets to grub with her…in a goddamn vault?! Whatevs. Vault it is!
This is where we start seeing the beginnings of Satan incarnate emerge (a.k.a. Wes). The sleepy-eyed Texan is paired with the nerdy Brad…frustration from both sides fog up the car windows. Win! Win! Win! I must! the Texan claims. (His eyes turn red.)
While the fires of hell spill over in one car, a match made in heaven is found in team Foot Fetish & Vanilla Ice. They squeal with delight, giggle, tug–so excitable are they to be paired together that Michael admittedly lets out a few pee pee drops in his drawers!
Brad’s smarts lead to Wes and him winning. But Jils feels the hubba hubba for the country-crooning demon and picks him over Brad. He smiles with his burnt red face as they enter the vault. Don’t do it, girl, he’ll take away your soul!
The Single Date Goes Country
For the one-on-one, the country loving girl picks Jake. She takes him to a western clothing store so he has an excuse to show America his obscenely tight torso. It gets a little nasty when she helps strap his belt into those rugged jeans. He suddenly jumps like he’s saying “Whoa!” and looks away from the camera bashfully (I can only assume Jake Jr. jumped out.)
Now, lots of folks seem to be into this dude, but I don’t buy it. He’s painted as this really nice, conservative sweetheart but as if it were so simple! I’m convinced this joker has skeletons in his closet–any of you guys hear of any shady pilot stories lately? They all have secrets, dammit!
Black People!!!!
What a wonderful gesture by ABC to diversify the show with some flava. Group Date #2, which consists of Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon the Unintelligible Brit, Kiptyn, and Juan, are playing some b-ball on the courts until [cue gasp]…black people show up! The Harlem Globetrotters kick the white boys’ asses. (The network wants to teach us that black people are good athletes.) Egos deflate. Who could pounce on a brotha?
Breaking the Man Code: Brawny vs Brainy
Meanwhile, David (a.k.a. The Rock, albino style) is counting thy sins of Juan, claiming he’s been “breaking man code, left and right.” What has he done? Juan cites poetry and uses his brain! WTF?! But the clencher for the hulky gadfly–all the while repeatedly preaching that Juan should be tied to a tree and beat–is when the Latin Lover tosses the contents out of his shot glass and pretends to drink amid a toast! FAKE! David screams. (He proceeds to suck his thumb and rock back and forth.)
Soft Toe Porn
Of course, last night wouldn’t have been complete without a follow up of Tanner P’s foot-lovin. He sits the princess on a couch and pulls her legs up to salivate over her red toesies. She’s starting to get that he’s got issues and is weirded out. I predict her reaction is a foreshadowing of his demise. Amen.
Frank & Beans: No Dice, Says Jillian
Fear grips the usual outspoken Brian. So what does he do? He decides to strip buck naked and jump into the pool for Jils and the rest of the chumps to see. Doesn’t matter if the pool was ice cold–apparently, the Canuck wasn’t impressed with the frank and beans before the plunge. In the end, he’s sent home packing.
Juan’s a Survivor!
Although there are some dudes who want Satan out of the game, his rose makes him untouchable. However, there are plenty unlikeables/threats the boys can vote off the tribe (oops, think I’m starting to sound like another reality show). The results? Julian comes in as #3, David as #2, and poor romantico Juan is enemy #1. (Why do the white dudes wanna take down the ONE minority up in this joint?!) Jils uses her veto power like a good litte fairy godmother and gives the Latin Lover a rose to protect his fragile, poetic frame from the rest of the snarling meat heads. Perfecto! Muy dramatico–we likey!
In the end, Brian (Frank & Beans), Mathue, Julian, and Simon the Brit were axed…(but at least Simon gets some laughs during the credits).
Episode tres promises more of David’s violent quest to take down his tall, smarter nemesis and Satan finishes his song to woo Jils as a promotional tool! Until next time…