The Bachelorette, Jillian Harris
After experiencing the pathetic emotional vacillations of Count de Slimeball, Jason Mesnick, on last season’s The Bachelor, third runner-up Jillian Harris–now famously known for her piercing insights into a man’s soul via his hot dog (we’re referring to the actual food)–seems to have emerged as the real winner. Now that the tables are turned, the down-to-earth 29-year-old Canuck has snagged her chance to romp around with many a desperate man and bring them down to their knees (figuratively, and of course, by show’s end, literally).
Just in case you missed the big she-bang (no pun intended), here’s a recap of last night’s two-hour season premiere…
First Impressions: Cast of Characters
Interesting and eclectic as some of the guys’ professions were–the show welcomed aboard a breakdance instructor, Olympic cyclist, country singer, and pole vaulter, to name a few–there were definitely some fuglies lurking about the love shack who we all knew had nil chance of getting past the first round–like Stephen, the lizardly New York lawyer, and Greg, the Peter Brady look-a-like fitness model. Ewwww. (Apologies, I’m getting ahead of myself.)
The limo meet-and-greet was a nail biter at times. Watching these vulnerable chappies trying to make memorable first impressions was as painful as pouring a scotch-filled neti pot through mine’s own nostrils. One dude in particular, a trucking contractor named David (who, by the by, looks like an albino version of The Rock), was so nervous, he just stood frozen, head down for several seconds, before nervously waddling away. Poor lug. For comic relief, Simon the Brit spoke…but no one in America knew what the bloody hell he was saying–hence, the need for ABC to tack on subtitles whenever he opened his mouth.
Of course, the show wouldn’t have been complete unless there were a few assholes in the pack. (So who was the biggest, you ask me so eagerly?) So far I vote Brian, the Atlanta, Ga, IT consultant who refused to cease on his ingenious namecalling of Jils as “Hot Tub Harris!” There was also the snobberific Juan (a.k.a Don Juan) who was fully aware of his tall, dark, and handsome features. But with every yin there were a couple yangs. The two that stood out to me were Cali business developer Kiptyn, who appears to have a six-pack sans the ego, and the innocent, good ole boyo pilot Jake.
Slivery Snakes
After the limo intros, the boys didn’t waste any time trying to mark their territory on the smiley brunette. Testosterone exploded from their pores! Choas ensued! It happened like this…
Ahh, yes, people, it got that messy. There was one slippery sucker named Tanner, who pulled Lady Luck away from the fray towards the pool–not only to get one-on-one time with her but also to sneak a peek at her footsies. It was kind of an Eddie Murphy Boomerang moment. His foot fetish ways had him shamelessly admitting he was looking for high arches, painted toe nails and (here goes the list): no crooked toes, eagle claws, toe jam, or corns. So his report card after checking the merchandise? “Phenomenal.”
PeaCOCKS
Snakes were abundant but there were also some obvious peaCOCKS in the bunch who wanted to shake their tale feathers. Breakdancing instructor extraordinaire Michael had a geniunely fun moment with Jils, who jumped at the idea of sportin some b-boy grooves. But then grossness-with-the-mostness fitness model Greg (the Peter Brady look-alike) stepped on in and did his backstreet moves, hoping he’d receive some wow factor. (No wow factor for you!) Sleepy-eyed country singer Wes stole the white gowned countess for a few minutes and serenaded her with his guitar. (Don’t know how he really feels about the Jils yet; I’m convinced he’s lovin the Mary Jane at this point, though.)
Surprise, Surprise
As with every Bachelor/ette season, there lay in a surprise. Unfortunately for the 25 guys who were barely feeling comfortable with their current competition, host Chris Harrison ushers in the bomb: Five more schlongs were joining the ranks! [cue girly scream]. Like a pack of wolves, the 25 seemed to gang up on the stragglers, booing one corny greaser and saying things like: “Can we physically fight them?!”
Kiss from a Rose
In a nutshell, Jils compassionately pinned the first impression rose on Dave, the tongue-tied trucking contractor. The other 19 roses were bestowed on some memorable and some not-so-memorable biatches. (All the characters mentioned above made the first cut–even the untelligible Brit.)
Highlights for the upcoming episodes include shockers like boys hurting each others feewings! and cwying!, as well as rumors of three playas two-timing good-natured Jils. Oooh, chile, it’s gettin hot in herrrr! Stay tuned…
One Comment
LOL. That snakes video had me rofl.